Forever Close
by PurpleVampire
Summary: After Edward leaves Bella in the forest he buries himself in anguish until he receives a mysterious phone call from Alice who urge him to come back. Will Alice be able to find a way to ease Edward’s sufferings and make a connection between him and Bella?
1. Painful Speed

**Forever Close**

**The idea occurred to me on Christmas night and I couldn't fall asleep until I wrote on paper the words that were dancing in my head. Two days later I finished the first chapter of what I hope will be an extended story. Now, convinced by my cousin, I put this on the site, but with my pessimism I don't expect anyone to read it. Anyway…the story is from Edward's perspective and takes place after he leaves Bella in New Moon. He is unable to handle anyone's presence and loneliness seems to be his only choice, but Alice doesn't accept this decision and makes everything possible to get him back.**

**Well…I suppose this isn't enough for a preview but I think that everything I'll say from now on will contain information from the next chapters. I hope that it won't be considered too bad, if somebody will read it.**

**Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own anything. Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Chapter 1: Painful speed**

"_I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."_

This was the last promise I'd made her, a promise that shattered all my being, a promise that was stinging painfully in my dead heart. This was something that I could never fulfill and still I had to. My life with Bella was over and my existence was meaningless. Even if I was desperately longing to come back to her and implore her forgiveness I knew that my presence in her life was a catastrophic danger. I had to stay away and let her have a happy human life. I was sure that after she would forget me she could be happy, happy as I could never be again.

"_Take care of yourself,"_ I begged her, seeing her eyes for the last time and then I was running. Far away from her sobs and tears, away from my soul. I had no soul anymore. That if I'd ever had one. My world was falling apart piece by piece; any sense of existing was disappearing from my mind. I was empty. All I could feel was pain. I was still running, faster and faster, at a painful speed, but I didn't notice anything around me. If I had stopped even for one second all would have been in vain…her pain and my pain. Knowing that I'd caused her pain by leaving was destroying my will, almost convincing me to return. But no. This was the end of everything.

I took notice of my surroundings when I was already out of Forks and I couldn't hear or smell her…when I couldn't feel her anymore. I knelt beside a tree and let the misery have me. I was in no condition to face my family and I didn't want to either. I knew very well that they were suffering too, but I couldn't make myself feel sorry for them. Selfish as I was I let the pain overwhelm me.

It was pain as nobody had ever felt before. Pain that was consuming me second by second. It was torturing every cell of my numb body, burning my death heart, tearing apart my soul. I knew the time wouldn't make any difference for me. The time will be against me. I was immortal and I had to bear my loss eternally just that I didn't have any intention to live after Bella died. Human nature doesn't offer more that one hundred years to live and that in extremely rare cases. When the time would be up for her I would follow despite the fact that I couldn't reunite with her. I had no place in heaven. That was for sure.

If I could trade this for a walk in hell I would most willingly do it. For once the fires of hell would have appeared like sparkles of heaven. My pain was nothing imaginable.

The night was falling coldly on my shoulders, but I remained motionless without breathing. Why breathing when I had no reason to live anymore, when everything was black and cold, even for me? Why breathing when I couldn't inhale the most fragrant perfume of all. I was numb even if I could feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. Probably it was Alice wanting to know how Bella took the news or Esme wanting to convince me to give up. I couldn't speak with either of them.

Long hours passed after the phone had rung for the last time. The sun was rising but not for me. Worms and spiders were crawling up my body and I didn't care. Nothing had importance to me; nothing could move me from this place…just the thought of Bella showing up. When had she been predictable? Never. It wasn't impossible for her to appear here and any sight of her would have been enough to forget the danger I represented for her.

Trembling, I rose to my feet and I looked once more towards Forks where she was and where I was forbidden to come back. Unconsciously, I sprang into an insane run exactly like the one when I left her in the forest. Everything was a blur around me, nothing had color anymore, nothing could hold my interest in this miserable existence of mine. I had no idea of where I was heading to and I couldn't concentrate about that either.

The wind was blowing hard in my face, signaling that the rows of trees soon would become rarefied and the forest would remain behind me like a veil of broken dreams. An inexplicable voice in my head cautioned me to slow down and walk at a human pace. It was deserted everywhere I looked, that meaning in my front, but it seemed that the responsibility of protecting my family's secret remained inside me. I slowed down as the voice warned me and I kept walking along the road. Without my consent, my mind began choosing the places most appropriate to go and none was near my family. I couldn't do that to them. I couldn't let them see me in this state. They were suffering enough without seeing the wreck I'd become. I wasn't about to add more to their already vast sufferings.

As my decision took a solid form the phone rang again, now with no intention to stop. I took it out from my pocket and on the screen was written Alice's name. Sure enough she had seen when I decided to split up our ways and apparently she wanted to hinder my attempts. I didn't need to be near her to read her mind, I already knew what she was thinking and so I was confident that I was aware of the reason of her insistent calling.

I pressed on the green button as I lifted the phone to my ear and a wave of astonishment caught me. Her voice wasn't irritated and eager to know about Bella…_ahh, I couldn't stop the mental wince_…but anxious and understanding, loving even.

"Edward…" she said as if trying to make sure that she was talking to me, "stop that. You have to come back to us. You can't go anywhere else. It won't be any good for any of us. Please stop thinking these stupidities."

"I can't…you don't deserve…" My voice broke and my legs quivered till I fell, face down on the ground. I was perfectly right that I couldn't face them. I was almost afraid to do it.

"Stop the car, Alice!" I heard Emmett yelling from around her and then again her voice was in my ear.

"Don't move, Edward! Stay where you are. We're coming for you."

"Don't, Alice, don't. I can't be around anyone…" It was excruciatingly painful to speak. Every word was knocking me down, every word said aloud made the knowledge of losing Bella to sink in even further. To rip me.

"Too late…Em is on his way and I'll arrive fifteen minutes after him." She was trying to distract me, to help me go through this, but she should've known better than that. They were coming to rescue a man who didn't want to be rescued, a monster who was carrying out the punishment of loving the most adorable human being.

"You shouldn't…" I finally gasped.

"It appears that you get me wrong. I don't do this for obligation's sake, Edward. I do it for you. Because I love you…we all do."

Then there was silence.

The guilt was pulsing through my veins. I hadn't thought for one minute that they would give me any attention after what I'd forced them to do. Especially Alice. Besides me, maybe she was the most affected by my decision. She loved Bella too and she left her as well because of me. It stuck in my mind the memory of Alice trying to persuade me, to show me all the facets of the problem. And still I rejected every argument she'd given me.

"_Edward," _she'd told me, just days before_, "you won't be able to stay away from her. You know that. Why leaving if it's impossible to fulfill what you have in mind?"_

"_No, Alice it's not. I have to go away even if my heart remains behind. I can't hurt her anymore."_

"_But, for God's sake, Edward, you are not hurting her. You saved her life time and time again…"_

"_And every time was my fault that she was in danger. Alice can't you see? My very existence is a danger for her."_

"_And she loves you. How in the world do you imagine she will pass over it? You will hurt her by leaving not by staying."_

She had been right but what options had I had? Living with me seemed to be impossible even if I loved her like no one had ever dared to love before. Transforming her into the monster I was just to be able to keep her for all the eternity and never let her go was inconceivable. Leaving was the most suitable decision that I could think of. Without my interference in her life she should be safe.

Arguing with Alice hadn't made it better because she had been showing me every reason to stay. Yet, for every of her reasons I'd had an answer. Or almost for everyone.

"_She will suffer at first but time will heal her wounds and eventually she will forget me and meet someone who can make her truly happy." _I had spoken the words through gritted teeth. It was unbearable to think of someone else holding her, whispering to her _I love you_.

"_Do you even listen to yourself? How can you say that? You speak like you don't know her. She will never forget you, Edward."_

"_She's just human…"_

"_That doesn't mean she will forget you. That doesn't even mean she will believe your lies."_

But she had believed each and every one of my lies there in the woods. With astonishing fastness she had thought that I didn't love her anymore. Like I could survive without breathing her in.

"_I will make my best to convince her."_

She had pleaded with me for hours and hours before her eyes dropped to the ground and her hands laid crossed in her lap. Something was wrong with her and her mind was blank until she finally spoke again.

"_It's Jazz, isn't it? You are mad that he lost control of himself?"_

"_Alice…" _I had tried to stop her.

"_You know that he didn't want to. That was stronger than he could be, Edward. And after all we stopped him. Bella is alright."_

"_No, Alice it's not that."_

"_Don't lie to me. You know as well as I do that after that scene you made your mind in one way or another to change something. And this change is because of Jazz."_

"_This change is because I'm a danger for her. Because she can't be safe and untroubled with me by her side."_

"_Fine then…we will leave. Me and Jasper will leave if that makes things right, but you don't have to leave her."_

"_No…" _I couldn't stop myself to hug her. If she had been able to cry she definitely would have. It had surprised me to see this reaction from her but that was not the right thing to do.

"_At least let her have a word to say in this matter…"_

"_She has no word to say, Alice. Or do you think she will agree with our departure?"_

"_No, of course not. And I'm counting on that."_

"_I'm doing the best for her."_

"_And what's best for you?" she had yelled, trembling in front of me._

"_That doesn't matter. And you will leave tomorrow. I'll stay behind to say goodbye."_

"_You'll stay behind to lie to her."_

"_And if I tell her the truth, will it be better? Will I ever be able to leave?"_

"_There's no need to leave…"_

"_Enough, Alice…" _I had dismissed her with my hand and she'd known that it was enough.

She hadn't convinced me to stay in Forks and I could tell that she had been angry with me and yet she was the one coming to save me from my solitary misery.

I could hear the wind whooshing around Emmett as he ran toward me. I could hear his thoughts. For once his joyful mind and ludicrous thoughts were concerned.

"_It will be OK. Esme will take care of you. Maybe after a while you will find someone else…or at least you'll come back."_

I've barely had time to lift from the ground and face the opposite direction from where Emmett was coming that he was already calling my name. I was coward enough to let him approach me first. I didn't want to show my new appearance willingly. His footsteps drew near and hesitating he called my name again. This time with a supportive tone.

"Edward, bro…" He ran out of words as he faced me. I could see my face in his mind and it surprised me to see how bad I looked. Of course my aspect was not even close to how I was inside, but it was bad enough for anyone to see. Especially for my family.

He threw his hand over my shoulders, holding me tight, like he was trying to keep me in one piece. It was astounding to see Emmett so serious. I tried to walk along the road with him, but it seemed that my fuel was flowing out of me.

"It will be OK. Alice is on her way. She will be here at any moment." I knew it was hard for him, but he was doing his best. Seeing that I was incapable to respond or to even have a reaction he let the silence float between us. It might have been better if I hadn't been a freak who was hearing every thought that was passing through his mind.

We waited for Alice to arrive and, as she promised, fifteen minutes after Emmett had found me, she was rushing out from Carlisle's car towards me with her hands outstretched. She grabbed me in a strong hug and directed me to the car. I heard her reassuring thoughts, but I couldn't find it in me to thank her. To thank them both. I was exhausted. The life was drained out of me.

I kept the silence between us and they didn't break it. At least not verbal. Their minds were full of worry which I didn't deserve. I could see my face in Alice's thoughts and unfortunately she could perceive much more than Emmett had. My features were screwed in an aching grimace and trying as I may, I couldn't make them look smooth. I was stubbornly avoiding her gaze, looking out the window, without seeing, without feeling, just realizing that I was really leaving the only place that I could call home.

Alice was holding my head in her lap, with her hands embracing my shoulders and looking deep into my face. She was trying to block me out from her mind singing a beautiful song in ancient Greek, but it was hard not to slip when she was so disquieted. I wanted to tell her to stop worrying about me, but I couldn't find my voice. I was nothing. I didn't deserve anyone's concerns.

From time to time she would hold me tighter, caressing my arms and my cheeks with feverish love.

"_You'll find a solution to all this and you will be happy again. You have to be. And I'll be here supporting you through everything. I'll make you smile again. So help me God I will. Even if it is the last thing I'll ever do. I will have my brother back."_

She was not even mad at me. She was actually trying to make me feel better. So Alice, to make plot after plot for my heart's rescue. I didn't know if I will ever be able to recompense her love and devotion.

Emmett had been driving for a long time when I heard him thinking _"We're getting close now…30 more minutes and we are there."_ Alice seemed to respond to his thoughts raising her head, probably for the first time, and looked out the window.

"_25 minutes" _she thought with certainty, _"We're heading to Denali…to Tanya's."_

I knew she was informing me but the news didn't have any importance. Maybe it was accelerating my rupture from them. If I couldn't handle being in my family's presence, how was I supposed to handle Tanya's clan too? Immediately Alice's head turned, her eyes flickering on my face. She must have seen that. How hard it was to hurt her even more, but I didn't intend to stay too long. I had to be alone. I didn't need an audience for drowning in my pain.

Trees buried in snow were left behind us and the landscape that I'd once considered beautiful seemed to me just an extension of my cold body, a metaphor for my emptiness. The car came to a halt and none of us dared to disturb the tormenting silence.


	2. Reunion

**Chapter 2: Reunion**

"_Edward…" _she called my name for the first time since we departed and as they always did, my eyes found hers to see the answer to her calling. It stunned me the sadness I saw in her eyes. It was unthinkable to let them suffer with me. _"We're here…if you…we could go inside."_

Most certainly she wanted to say: _"if I was prepared to go inside"._ I wasn't but what else could I do? I lifted my head from her lap and I opened the door, keeping the silence and stepping on the icy floor of snow.

Alice ran to my side holding my arm with gentle force, keeping her eyes on my face as she'd done in the car. If I hadn't been able to hear their thoughts or smell them I would have thought that the house was empty. We stepped inside with a grievous slowness and their minds filled up with relief. Instantaneously, the living room was crowded. Even for a vampire it was hard to register everyone's movements. For me it was impossible. The sight of them caused me a new kind of pain, something that I couldn't explain.

Esme caught me first, kissing me motherly on my cheeks and holding me close to her heart like she wanted to steal my pain away. I was like a ghost, even worse than a ghost. She led me to the sofa, throwing a quick glance at Alice, but she didn't say anything. She just kept moving along with us.

What was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to do? I just wanted to be buried somewhere where I couldn't feel anymore, where I couldn't hurt anyone.

They were all concerned about me. Shock was imprinted on their faces. Even Irina, with whom I didn't have much contact, had compassionate thoughts towards me. Carlisle was on my side too, scrutinizing every part of me, plotting like Alice to do something for my benefit. And it was silence, just like it had been ever since I left _her_, with me incapable to say a word or at least look them in the eyes.

Surprisingly for my nature, my eyes were aching. Everything happened so fast like they had rehearsed their movements before. I let Esme place me on the sofa where they couldn't see my trembling legs and I covered my head with my hands squeezing hard, but it wasn't enough to make it explode.

I was in a trance of unconsciousness, but still Rosalie's thoughts made my head snap up. She was the only one that didn't feel pity for me, the only one that accused me for what I've done. And she was perfectly right.

"_YOU STUPID MORON! What was in your mind to leave? Who gave you the right to decide for all of us? You have no rights. You are just a masochist mule. Just when we had a life, something that was so close to humanity you had to ruin everything. To take everything from us. From you…Have you seen how you look? You're lifeless, Edward, lifeless."_ Her mental yells were absolutely justified and I wasn't going to argue with her or make her stop. _ "And you come here like a martyr begging pity when you left her of your own accord. You're shameless, Edward. How do you dare to suffer when you left willingly?" _My face twisted in pain and I couldn't stop it. It was much stronger than me. Everyone's eyes were directed toward her shooting her with reproachful looks. She was right in accusing me, but she didn't know what she was thinking. I would have never left willingly _her_ side.

"STOP IT, Rosalie, right now!"

I was startled like a child by his strong and angry voice. Emmett had never called her Rosalie; she has always been Rose for him, never shouted at her. I could see that it had hurt her but the rage was stronger.

"_Great Emmett, defend him, defend him because your poor little brother needs it,"_ her thoughts continued with an ironical tone, _"What you need, Edward, is to face the truth. As much as I don't want to admit it, she is probably suffering much more than you do right now and who cares about her? No one. Not even you. You left her. Now deal with that. Do–"_

The truth of this shot through me arrows of burning grief. And it was more than I could bear, more than I could hear.

"Enough…" I said as I rose to my feet. My voice sounded so weak it could have been confused with an echo. Almost I couldn't recognize it. The attention turned back to me. Everyone seemed shocked to hear me speak again, except for Carlisle and Alice. They were relieved, almost grateful.

"_Ohh…it's not enough. Don't you dare make me feel compassion for you. You knew very well from the beginning that this will end badly. And you should be grateful that it didn't end as bad as I'd expected. She's alive and you will be able to continue your life…WITHOUT MAKING ME FEEL SORRY FOR YOU."_

"Enough…" I repeated closing my eyes for a second and Emmett sprinted toward her pulling her out of the room. I didn't need Jasper's ability to feel the anger emanated from her.

For a moment it was just silence, but now I needed to talk. To make my way out.

"I'm sorry," I said under my mother's affectionate stroking.

"No, Edward, no…" she hurried to interrupt me. "You don't have to be sorry. Whatever Rosalie was thinking it's the result of her anger. Please, don't pay attention."

"She was right…in one way or another she was right."

Due to the family conversation that was on the point of commencing, Tanya came close to me, patting my shoulder.

"We don't want to interrupt you and I think it will be best for us to retire. Edward, my dear, you know that you are always welcome here. Your room is ready and I hope you'll stay with us." Kissing gently my cheek and looking into my eyes one more time she retired along with her family.

I sat on the sofa and looked every one of them in the eyes before I spoke gain. They all had looks of kindness and understanding which made me feel guilty that I'd accepted to come here. Finally, I decided that the truth was the only way I could use with them.

"I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I made you leave and that I ruined your lives, but I didn't have another choice."

"_It was all my fault. You should have banished me. I would have understood. I wouldn't have complained. You don't deserve…it's my…"_

"No, Jasper, it is not your fault." I knew that my words wouldn't make him feel better or convince him, but it was my duty to make him understand that I meant them. "I was the only one who put her in danger on every possible occasion. And I had to go away."

"But this is killing you."

"As long as she is safe I will be fine." But fine was infinitely far from how I was. "I want to thank you for your kind thoughts. I don't deserve any of it," I continued, in spite of my voice that was shaking visibly. Word by word I was coming closer to the truth of my intentions while Alice was repeating in her head _"You won't go, you won't go, you won't go"_. Eventually, I had to say it out loud. "I don't know if I will be able to stay."

"You'll stay, Edward!" she clutched my arm with all her force. If I'd been human my arm would have turned to dust.

"I don't think you're seeing that, Alice." I knew exactly what she was seeing. According to her visions I was to leave three weeks from now but it was difficult to think that I will resist for so long.

"As you can see I'm not much of a company and I don't want you to pass through this with me. It's not fair for you and I won't…"

"Edward, stop." Carlisle's voice was strong and firm. I couldn't do anything, but listen to him. "You are not putting us through anything. We want to help you. We love you, Edward. We don't do anything because we have to. We do it because we want to."

"I know…I know. But that doesn't cover the fact that I need to go. I'm sorry…"

"At least stay for a while, maybe you'll reconsider, maybe you will not need to go away…after a while." Esme's internal thoughts confirmed me that she was hoping for me to reconsider to come back to Forks_…to her. _They didn't have the slightest idea how hard it was _not_ to come back.

"I'll try," I promised her and I had to try. I owed them that much.

I felt like the earth was split up in two, like I couldn't handle the situation for much longer and I knew that my time was up. I couldn't repress my anguish for too long. I rose to my feet while Emmett was entering the room alone. I felt guilty again, seeing how I was creating conflicts between the ones that I called family. Alice and Esme rose with me, neither of them letting me loose. I kissed both of them, first Esme and then Alice who promised me again "I will make you happy, Edward. I swear I'll find a way." I would have given everything to believe her, but I couldn't. Nothing could make me happy again. Nothing, except Bella. But she was an impossibility.

I turned my back on them and they didn't make anything to hold me back even if every one of them thought almost the same thing _"He must not stay alone."_ I embraced Emmett on my way out and whispered in his ear "I'm sorry." I didn't know how to express my regrets. I was a plague and my calamities were spreading out on them.

I made myself invisible on the stairs and in five seconds I was closed in the room that Tanya had offered me. Everything was arranged in thoroughly order, with all my belongings, with everything I liked, even a piano. Unfortunately for their efforts to make me feel comfortable, I wasn't going to use any of the objects in the room. I just wanted to crouch myself in some place where I couldn't see again the light. I sat beside the couch, curling into a ball, and closed my eyes.

Instantaneously, like nothing had ever changed, Bella's face appeared under my eyelids with a peaceful smile on her lips, running with her arms outstretched. I scraped the floor with my nails as I realized that she was running toward me. My nature didn't allow me to sleep or dream, but apparently I could make dreams of my own. Having her so close in my mind eased to some degree the pain I felt.

She was roaring with laughter the moment she reached me and she threw her hands over my neck, kissing me ardently, then she was dragging me in a circular place in the woods. Our meadow.

I gasped as the memory thrilled my heart. The mixture of feelings that I had in that moment was impossible to explain. Excruciating pain and unparalleled joy. It stunned me. Without thinking of the consequences I opened my eyes. And I was alone, crouched on the ground. The anguish hit with unimaginable force directly in my empty chest. I didn't have _her_. I will never have _her_.

Like an addict I took refuge in the memories I had of Bella and the dreams I made up because there were just dreams, without a chance to become real. I ignored the days and nights passing. For my own sanity, I lost count of them. I was sitting in the same position with my eyes closed, adoring Bella. But one of the disadvantages of being a vampire, in my situation, was that I could hear everything, even the unsaid words.

Downstairs Emmett and Rosalie were fighting again because of me.

"What was in your mind Rose? What were you thinking?"

"Oh…so I'm Rose now?"

"Don't change me the subject. You haven't told me what were you thinking and I want to know."

"I wasn't thinking anything I shouldn't. I was just telling him the truth, meaning that he is guilty for this entire situation and that he has no rights to complain."

"Oh…Rose, for God's sake what's gotten into you? He is suffering. Don't you think that he needs a bit of understanding?"

"See, that's the thing. He hasn't the right to come here to beg pity or comprehension."

"Shut up. He isn't begging anything. We love him and for that we want him to be happy. We are trying everything even if it's not working. And I'll try my hardest, Rose. I'll do everything to erase that shadow from his face. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I love him too…"

"It doesn't look like it."

"…but that doesn't mean that I will feel compassion for him. He made it with his own hand. Now he has to deal with it."

"Exactly, Rose. And you are making it harder for him without any necessity."

Through Rosalie's infuriated eyes I saw Alice dancing across the room with a gloomy and serious expression on her face. What was I doing? I was blasting their happiness with my sorrow, I was taking away from them every smile or hope.

"Would you shut your mouths up? Both of you!" she said after she sat on the sofa with her legs crossed. "You are not making it better if you fight. He still can her you and I can assure you that in this precise moment he is blaming himself for every disaster in the world. Besides, I can't think with you chattering all day."

"He wouldn't be wrong in blaming himself."

"Rose…" both of them hissed at her with menacing looks.

"If you can't control your thoughts around here," Alice continued in her speech, "it will be better for you to make a voyage or something."

"And now I'm cast out."

"No, you're not, but I won't permit you or anyone else to disturb him in any way."

Without a word Rosalie left the room exasperated.

"Go and stop her." Alice told Emmett. "I don't want to have her on my conscience for what stupidity she might do." Before Alice could finish her sentence, Emmett was already out of the door racing after Rosalie.

I didn't need visions of the future to know what will happen next. The answer was right there in Alice's head. In a minute she was on my door, knocking hesitatingly. I've barely had time to lift myself in an acceptable position that she was inside whispering my name with fear in her voice – fear to not break me.

"Edward," she murmured and she came to my side, taking my head in her lap like she'd always done when she was trying to comfort me. We sat still for a long time, the only thing moving was Alice's hand stroking my cheek. Finally, the stillness was broken and she began whispering again.

"You didn't think that I was going to let you here alone for much longer, did you?"

"I don't know if I'm able to think anymore."

"Oh, Edward." She kissed me on my forehead scrutinizing my features. I lay in her arms like a child and to my utter astonishment it felt good. It was like a ray of hope that I had gripped after so much time. I was sure, though, that it hadn't passed too long since I left Forks. However, to me it seemed like an eternity. "You shouldn't stay alone," she went on. "We could do something…go somewhere." It was a long pause until I've managed to respond.

"It wouldn't make any difference. Probably it will just create more discord and quarrel between you."

"I knew it," she said aloud, then she continued in her mind. _"I knew that you were listening to what they were saying, but you should know by now how Rosalie is. Don't pay attention to her. She realizes she's wrong even if she doesn't admit it."_

"The fact is that it was wrong to come here." She took my head firmly in her hands, looking me in the eyes and closing her mind. As always it was frustrating to not know what was passing through her mind, but it wasn't so difficult to imagine. I was wrong in leaving Forks, she would have said. I didn't want to believe that because if I had had the slightest doubt regarding my decision, I would have come back quicker than in a heart beat.

"What are you thinking?" I asked her more out of habit than of curiosity. She swiftly avoided my gaze, making it look like she was glancing outside the window, but I knew better. She was keeping something from me. Something that she knew it wouldn't be good for me to know. A sudden wave of anxiety caught me. In a flash I lifted from her lap, searching the answer in her eyes, but it lay well hidden behind them. I couldn't make myself stop thinking about the worse.

"Alice, stop translating songs in Cyrillic, you are driving me mad."

"At least you have a reaction," she tried unsuccessfully to distract me.

"What are you not telling me? Please say it, don't spare my feelings just say what you have to say." I was begging now, but not begging for what she had to tell me. I was begging to hear something that didn't contain the confirmation of my thoughts.

"I don't know if I should tell you. Maybe it's too much for you –"

"Alice…" I interjected, anxious by the second.

"After we left," she began and I was terrified that my fears will be corroborated. "I kept checking on her. To see how she is handling. To see if she's keeping her promise."

A flash memory came back to me.

"_Don't do anything reckless or stupid."_ I had implored her before I left. And she had promised me with the most sincere look in her eyes. I'd believed her entirely. She couldn't have gone back on her word. Shaking my head I listened to Alice.

"And she kept it so far. But Edward, even if she has no immediate plans to break her promise I don't know for how long she will want to do it. She's a mess…No, not a mess. She's lifeless. Just like you. Do you think this will–"

"It has to be right, Alice."

I fell involuntary to the ground. I wanted to tell her to go away, to leave me alone. I couldn't hide anymore my pain. It rushed over me like thorns of fire.

"I knew I shouldn't have told you," she started while she was pulling me toward her.

"N-no…y-you…" I stammered, incapable to form a sentence. "I want to be alone…please." She almost began to argue but as she caught my eye she rose to her feet and whispered slowly before she left the room. "I love you. Don't forget that."

If I'd considered my pain unbearable, the knowledge of Bella's pain was agonizing, devastatingly torturous. I remained still as the pain sunk in, my bones seeming to melt inside me. It was beyond me to allow something to hurt _her._ And that something was _me._ I had to remember all the reasons that hurled me away from her arms, to not spring to a run directly toward Forks.

To continue to exist I lost myself again in the dreams that helped me survive. For the most part I was oblivious to my surroundings or the people that inhabited the house. Everything was colorless, except her smile that I was always finding behind my eyelids. Time was passing. Even if I wasn't particularly conscious about it, I could feel it. She entered the room like a goddess from a fairy tale, without knocking this time. Again, I felt relieved to see Alice beside me.

"You should hunt," she commanded as she dragged me upwards. I was about to tell her that I didn't need to hunt, that I'm not thirsty, when I saw her deeply sad eyes. "It has passed more than three weeks since the last time you hunted."

I had to digest carefully the information before I was able to understand the source of her sadness. Three weeks. Maybe she knew better than me or maybe she was entirely wrong because I hadn't put any thought in leaving. Yet.

Still, the expression on her face was grieved and certain and in her eyes I could see that she felt betrayed. It irritated me to discover that she was getting better at closing her mind. She was thinking about the most unimportant things when her eyes and reactions showed something completely different.

"Don't you bother to tell me that you won't hunt! You are coming with me and Jazz."

She looked away from me, trying desperately to hide her feelings by being cold and detached, but I knew her perfectly well. My hand grasped her arm automatically.


	3. Hunting

**Well…I've just finished writing this chapter and I still have Edward's image in my mind. As much as I enjoyed writing it and as many daydreams I might have I don't think I'll manage to write soon due to my lack of time, but every time I will have a chance I will certainly take refuge in writing the next chapter. I'm so anxious to write the chapter (or chapters) in which Alice will find that solution to Edward's suffering. I just hope that I won't write it on my test papers. :))**

**To my surprise there are people who actually read my story and I want to thank them for that :***

**Chapter 3: Hunting**

"What is it, Alice?"

"Nothing…just that I think we will have to make a trip to Canada to find something appetizing."

She put a smile on her face, but even the most ingenuous child would have known that it was fake. She turned gracefully, directing me toward the door. The words slip from me without my consent.

"Maybe I shouldn't…" I couldn't finish the sentence. She turned furiously to me, trying to repress all the words that she would have wanted to tell me and just ordered through her gritted teeth.

"Don't."

I followed her down the stairs into the living room where everyone was gathered. Or almost everyone. Rosalie was nowhere to be seen. As soon as Esme caught sight of me she came to my side, kissing my cheek.

"_No, he doesn't look better, but at least he's not worse."_ Her thought surprised me. I expected to look worse than ever, but fortunately I was wrong.

"We are going hunting," Alice announced them with the same decisive tone in her voice and immediately I could feel the atmosphere in the room becoming relaxed.

"So if we are going to Canada we should drive to the frontier and, then we can run."

"You can take my car." Carlisle offered and gave Jasper the keys, all the time keeping his eyes on me.

I didn't know if I should have said goodbye since they were all thinking the same _"Come back."_ and I wasn't sure if I would come back. Coward as I was I avoided their eyes and I left the house behind Alice and Jasper after I thanked them for their patience.

Even if Jasper was driving at maximum speed, the car was moving irritatingly slow for my liking. It was like I'd come out from a coma and I needed to move. Bewilderment took over me. I didn't expect to have any instincts left in me. Jasper's dwelling thoughts caught my attention as I was moving my fingers inattentively on the bench. He was wondering if it was a good time to speak with me.

"Spit it out, Jasper." He turned his head toward me startled by my sudden vociferation, then he composed himself and looked at me through the rearview mirror. It was a long pause until he decided he should talk.

"You know, Edward, maybe you shouldn't leave," he began but Alice cut in.

"It's not set out, Jazz. Don't give him ideas."

"I don't understand," I finally managed to say and it was true. I barely understood what they were talking about even if Alice was showing me her vision.

I was in the forest hunting and then something disturbed me and I began to truck that something. This is when her vision got hazy and I couldn't tell what happened. The result of it was that I was telling them to go to Carlisle and let me finish the job. Before I could ask the stupid question _"Who was I trucking" _Alice interrupted again.

"I don't know. I can't see. Firstly I saw that you were leaving us in a forest and telling us not to worry for you, then the vision became more complete and you were hunting with us, and now you truck something. I don't even know what forest was that or if we are in any danger. I just felt that we should go hunting, but now I'm not that sure." She threw herself in her seat frustrated that she couldn't see. It intrigued me beyond my will.

"But, it is a chance that nothing will happen, right?"

"Yeah, I suppose."

"What I wanted to say, Edward," Jasper spoke watching me all the time in the mirror, "is that we don't have to split up. We can go with you."

I didn't know what to say considering that I had no idea what was expecting me. Sparing me to answer Alice warned us that we should park somewhere the car and begin running.

I was relieved to move my feet, but I couldn't erase the hollow from my chest. It was incrusted in me forever. We were deep in the forest when I felt the scent of a mountain lion. I crouched behind a tree and I let it approach. As it came directly into my view I took a leap and I collided with the poor animal that was fighting for its life. My teeth penetrated its throat and the blood filled my dry mouth. I let the instincts take over me, but my mind had full space to think about anything else. And I couldn't stop thinking about _her._

I moved through the forest oblivious to my siblings, remembering the last time I'd been in one. Despite of Alice's information of the future, nothing had happened. I had sucked the blood out from four lions when I heard Alice's internal scream, at least one mile behind me. I hadn't realized how deep I'd run.

"_Noooo, Edward, no. Stop!"_

My teeth were sinking in my fifth prey when it hit me. It was not the scent of an animal or a human. It was the scent of one of us. A vampire. I inhaled deeply to make sure that I wasn't mistaking. And to my disappointment I wasn't. It was her. It was Victoria.

As Alice predicted I sprinted to a run. I was faster than a bullet and I was following exactly her trail. Most likely when she caught our scent she ran away, but I had to catch her. I was certain that she was planning something. Some miles behind me I could hear Alice and Jasper racing and their confused and alarmed thoughts.

And then suddenly I couldn't hear just their thoughts but Victoria's too. She was lurking somewhere close enough for me to read her mind and the only thought that was rushing through her head was _"I have to escape. He must not find me. He will not know."_ She was referring to me. I could be certain of that. But, what was she thinking? What didn't she want me to find out? Why was she so frustrated and angry about?

Sure enough she had been James' mate and probably she wanted revenge, but I couldn't let myself think about what she could do. I'd felt it before I knew it. She was after Bella. The hatred made me run even faster. I would never let her get close to Bella. She should have known that. Before she had come one hundred kilometers close to my beloved I would have already annihilated her.

I was controlled by pure scorn, but fast as I run and still I couldn't catch her. It was staggering after all this time to be on the move. All of a sudden I had a reason. A reason to come out from the pit in which I was falling.

Finally, Alice and Jasper caught up with me. She had been right. When hadn't she been right? I turned toward them with my features twisted in rage. Uncharacteristically for her, she misinterpreted my rage.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I couldn't see. I didn't know," the words were flying out from her mouth and she looked impressively shaken.

I griped her shoulders unconsciously as I desperately asked her "Do you know what she is looking for? What she wants?"

I noticed that I was shaking her only when Jasper put his hand on my arm and told me coldly "I think there's no need to dismember her, Edward." I took away my hands from her shoulders, carrying apologies in my eyes, but seeking urgently the answer to my question.

"I don't know what she wants. But she will hide from you. I can see her now, but it's difficult. She keeps changing her mind like she would know…how…my visions…work." She spoke each word separately, shock imprinted on her face. "That's it, Edward. She knows. She knows exactly how my visions work and she kept her distance. She didn't step in our lives because she knew I would see."

"And she didn't expect us to be here. She didn't plan it. She was taken by surprise," Jasper seemed to function, to deal with the events. I was frozen, straining all my efforts to not think of the possibilities of what Vitoria would want.

"Yeah…and now she's confused or maybe she is changing her mind intentionally. Anyway…the only two things that I can see most clearly are that she is looking for a place to hide and that she will meet other vampires in Ontario. And guess where in Ontario?"

"In Kawartha Lakes…" I whispered after the answer had popped up in her mind.

"Formerly named County of Victoria," she continued. "Either she loves her name so much that she has now meetings in cities with that name or she is planning something. It has to be a connection."

"I'm going after her," I said after a pause and I almost darted after her, but both Jasper and Alice caught my arms and hindered my attempts.

"You can't go alone, Edward," Jasper told me. "She is acting smartly and she definitely has a plan whereas you have no idea what to do or where to look for her."

"Besides, she won't be alone. And I can't tell you for sure how many will meet her." She was speaking with confidence, already leading the way to the car, like she knew that I would accept their offer.

"_Yeah, I know you'll say 'yes', but even if you hadn't, I would have still gone with you," _she thought.

"Maybe I will say _'no'_ eventually." As soon as I said the words I was sorry for speaking out loud. She winced slightly and the grievous sadness returned on her face. I regretted more than I could have said. _"You'll do…eventually. But not now."_

In ten minutes we were at the car, but I still didn't understand the necessity of it.

"Why driving when we could run?" I asked, dropping out the subject of me going alone.

"Because we have to remain inconspicuous and running I don't think will help us." I climbed in the passenger seat even if I wanted to drive. Jasper's thoughts showed me that he wasn't willing to let me drive and another argument would only put more distance between me and Victoria. I kept on swinging with my fist on the board until Alice grabbed my arm irritated.

"I'm sorry I'm breaking off your concentration, but will you stop demolishing the car? I need to see and with your _'bum bums'_ in my ears it's rather difficult if you understand what I'm trying to tell you." She was speaking so ironically and was so serious that three months earlier she would have made me laugh. I stopped as she requested, but I couldn't be silent. I knew almost nothing and I needed to know as much as possible.

"Where is she now?"

"I don't know where she is now," she said annoyed by my interruption. "But she will be in three days in Victoria and she will meet three of them."

"It's a bit weird, don't you think?"

"Yeah, Jazz, it is. It really is," she answered him with a peppery tone. All this sudden jumpiness at her made me wonder if she thought about something else too. Her mind was so accessible in these moments that it would have been impossible to repress anything. "It's something obvious here, but I can't figure it out."

"Yeah, Alice, thanks." I retorted. "I can see it's obvious and I can't figure it out either. Very helpful indeed." She stuck her tongue at me then went on.

"It's coming clearly now. I don't recognize them. There's another woman and two men. What I can't understand is that they are surrounded by humans. They will meet at the Victoria County Museum in Lindsay." I was stunned. What on earth was Victoria planning and why did I have this feeling of burning necessity to kill her?

"We should accommodate somewhere further away," Jasper told us with a decisive note in his voice. He was used to be the leader in crucial moments. After all he had been a soldier.

"I don't need accommodation, Jasper. I just need to catch her and know what her plan is."

"To catch her you need a plan too. And as I said, she is acting smartly. She seems to have been trained to escape. You can't be unprepared with her, Edward." It was frustrating to wait to make a plan, but I knew that he was right.

Silence fell among us and it gave me more time to think, more time to feel stabs inside me. It was hard even now, when the hatred for Victoria resurrected me, to suppress it completely. I was doing my best in focusing just on Victoria. There wasn't time to mourn. If Victoria represented a danger for Bella I would exterminate her.

The few pieces of information we had were enough to see that something suspicious was going on. Victoria was hiding from us, especially from me and she was going to meet three vampires in exactly three days from now, in a city that once had born her name. What did she need from them? Was she looking for help or was I so mad that I was seeing dangers for Bella where there wasn't anything to fear? I doubted it.

We have been driving for two hours at full speed when I registered the thoughts of two cops waiting in the wings for us to pass beyond the speed limit. At the same time with Alice I warned Jasper.

"Slow down," we said under our breaths and he seemed bewildered.

"You will speak with a cop in two minutes," she hurried to enlighten him, but she seemed oddly cold. And as she'd predicted, in two minutes a tall woman in uniform with a badge on her chest stopped our car wishing to see Jasper's driving licence. As much as I had on my mind and still the covetous thoughts of that woman invaded me.

"_He's so beautiful and good looking. He even has a dangerous tint in him. Ooh…I almost feel ashamed that I stopped him, but what a pleasure. Oh my God…look at the other one. He's brilliant, even more beautiful. Handsome. Charming._ Amazing. Breathtaking. Angelic. Ohh…I'm gonna pass out. They are so…so…so gorgeous. _I think I fell in love."_

"Miss…" Jasper said, raising his eyebrows and waiting for the woman to say what she needed from us. "I don't think I was driving above the speed limit."

"_Of course you weren't, but she thought she will have a nice chat with you." _Alice thought sarcastically. I turned my head toward her and accidentally I met the poor woman's eyes. I was almost prepared to tell Jasper to gather her from the ground.

"_Oh God, what eyes. What brilliant eyes he has and they look like melted chocolate. And the voice…exquisite. I wish I could hear his voice too."_

Suddenly she woke up from her reverie and eyeing us both with the dreamiest look on her face she tried to steady herself.

"I have to make a..err…registration. Wait for me here."

As she headed toward her car, Alice imitated her, no longer appearing detached: "'Wait for me here'"

Even if Jasper didn't answer her, I knew that he felt every emotion that Alice was emanating, and he would have blushed if his body had permitted it. I didn't want to interpose between them and I sat silent watching the shocked woman writing some papers that she definitely didn't need to write.

"_What can I do to keep them a little more here? Oh Sasha if you had seen them. They are so utterly beautiful. I couldn't even speak right. Oh…I would give anything to see them again. I think…Yeah…I think that I will leave them my number. Right here on his driving licence."_ And she wrote it without shyness. _"402-552-1112," _she thought,_ "After all I'm a good-looking person myself."_

As she wrote her number on Jasper's driving licence, Alice uttered strange sounds of rage. Once it would have been exceedingly enjoyable. She returned to us, walking slowly, careful not to fall, and handed over to Jasper the document.

"_They are otherworldly…"_

"We can go now?" Alice, suddenly, asked her with irritation in her voice. 'You know…we might have some business to attend to, if you don't mind."

"_And who is that? She is a...girl. And she is with them. But she cannot be with any of them. Not in that sense. She is so insignificant, so dull, so common…Ergh...I can't fool myself. She is splendid. As breathtaking as they are. But…oh yeah…they must be siblings. What a relief."_

"_What a relief indeed,"_ I thought as she was taking her hands away from the door.Moving away, she nodded, still day-dreaming.

"Have a good day," she said.

"Hmm…"Jasper began, "I wondered if you could suggest me a place to accommodate. We are visiting the region."

I didn't pay much attention anymore to what she said but Jasper looked in her eyes attentively, to Alice's great despair, and after he thanked her for the information we left.

Throwing away the licence, Jasper put his hands on the steering wheel, still ignoring Alice. At least apparently, because he was thinking about her reaction.

"_She can not be jealous. She should know better than that,"_ he was repeating in his mind and he was right. Why was Alice so sensitive?

" 4 0 2 – 5 5 2 – 1 1 1 2" she told him with unsuccessful indifference.

"You are insulting me, Alice," he whispered with a final tone in his voice. I knew he didn't want to fight for such a thing in front of me, especially now. And Alice seemed to understand his wish. She remained with her arms crossed on her chest until we arrived to the place indicated by the policewoman and after she got out of the car she led us with tangible coolness.

"Alice," Jasper tried to reason with her, but she cut him short.

"I'm thinking Jasper. I'm trying to see."

And she tried hours and hours to see something more but nothing came to her mind, not a single vision. She grew frustrated by the moment and I would have soothed her if I hadn't been so anxious to know Victoria's next move.

"She will definitely be there. I can see that clearer and clearer. WHAT I CAN'T SEE IS WHY SHE HAS A MEETING IN A PLACE FULL OF HUMANS." She finished yelling and I had to intervene.

"Alice, you can't see everything."

"But, I had to Edward. Don't you think that I care about this as much as you do? I love Bella too, Edward. And she is in danger."

This knocked me out. I couldn't feel the ground under my feet, I couldn't see my surroundings, I was again that wreck that needed to be buried alive or just buried, considering that I was long dead according to humans' science. I couldn't think or function anymore. All my self-control was gone. I couldn't hide the pain or erase it from my face. It was unbearable how she had put the problem. Hearing it out loud and confronting with the fact like it was something unstoppable frightened me beyond imagination.

_"If leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."_ I'd once promised Bella and now I was away from her in the attempt to keep her safe from my nature. But it seemed that it was coming after her time and time again. I'd hurt myself deathly to stay away, how could Victoria possibly think that she would pass my protective barriers?

Alice hurried to my side, taking me into a strong hug.

"You know that I didn't want to hurt you."

"I know," I whispered. If she had been capable she would have cried. "I had to go at that meeting."

"We will go too," Jasper cut in. "But before that, we had to think about something else too. I had to tell you. I don't know how much sense will make what I'm going to say but anyway…" Neither of us dared to interrupt him. "I don't know if this will help us but it's worth knowing. The County of Victoria was founded centuries ago by vampires and it was one of the most daring attempts to make a world for our kind. There were 200 of them gathered to put the groundwork of the county but in the end there were left just 140 of them and everyone made a community with his or her own name. Now the most are ashes, but there are enough of them that still exist and they have a certain tendency of protecting their community as well as the entire county, like the Volturi. I wouldn't be surprised if Victoria is one of them. They were called The Brilliant Ones…The Shinning Ones. They had once represented hope for our kind and even now I don't think there are many who will be willing to fight them. Edward, if my presumptions are true and if she…" his abrupt pause made me lift my head and look at him, but he was just searching for the right words. "If she wants something for us there will be impossible to attack first or even offer resistance."

"It can't be impossible," I said shocked by what I was hearing.

"And if she is one of them she is the leader of two communities: Victoria Place and Victoria Road. If that's true she might have some kind of leader status. We should go to that meeting but we must not approach them. Of course they will scent our presence, but we will have an advantage that the most of them probably doesn't. Despite of their great ambition and power they weren't gifted. There were just five of them gifted and I don't think that their existence will bother us. They must be ashes as well. The Volturi would have never permitted a coven so developed to have gifted ones too. And we should be as near as necessary for us to know what they're thinking, feeling and planning. With so much breakable company I think it will be enough. Certainly, they won't meet there to massacre all of the people gathered, but we can't expect them not to defend themselves if we make a wrong move. And I think we all know what that will mean. Not only innocent people dying but us too. We have to keep our identity secret as much as we can to find out what is going on."

Everything was silent. None of us breathed. None of us moved. He had a point, a point that was terrifying. Sometime in the night Alice managed to lift from the ground and move like a blur around us. She returned with a folder in her hands and handed it over to us.

"The Victoria County Museum," she began "it's organizing a party for their faithful sponsors and visitors on October the 15th. It's a chance in a lifetime don't miss it," she finished by quoting the subtitle that was written on the first page of the folder.

We remained like rocks without moving, just looking stunned at each other.


	4. Vampire Party

**Chapter 4: Vampire party**

We were still facing each other when the sun went up and there was no sign that one of us intended to break the tormenting silence. As Jasper had said we needed a plan for our upcoming _night party_, but we had nothing, except for the details of his story. A story that was unlikely to fit with our case. The uncertainty was absolutely crushing my mind. I wasn't willing to let her escape this time around. My only objective was to finish her and for that, I had no limits. If only it had occurred to her to harm Bella, she would to pay.

The sun rays were penetrating the room graciously. Alice moved, heading to close the curtains. Like we had been bound, we moved in synchronization with her, each of us sitting on the sofa and sinking in the folder Alice had handed over to us.

There was written the entire history of the county, but nothing could help us or give us a clue about what we were facing. There were only pieces of human information. Who would have thought to mention one of us in there, when our existence was unacceptable for them? That naivety that humans had was maybe their greatest weakness, not that they would have been stronger if they had acknowledged our presence in their world.

It was meaningless to keep on reading that pages. It was something that I already knew.

"It's human history, Alice," I said as I gripped my head trying to find the answers that were eluding me.

"If you remember, I told you that there will be humans there–"

"So I have to know about their past and how deep they are rooted in this place to not hurt their feelings. Touching…"

"What you have to know," she continued exasperated, "is how to behave and why you will be there. And if you look more carefully I attached to the folder three invitations for the event."

"Talented as always," Jasper told her, trying to ease the atmosphere, as he was touching the faked invitations. She danced across the room, smiling to Jasper like all her jealousy was something forgotten in the past and then grabbed some money from her handbag, a little too much even for her.

"You didn't think that I was about to let you go to a party with those clothes on you, did you?" she asked with an innocent smile spreading on her face.

"Alice, this isn't a matter of fashion as you can see. We are talking about exterminating Victoria," I said, emphasizing the last words. I could feel the anger growing inside me, but it wasn't directed to Alice. All the anger was for me. Because of my selfish being that for its own good and pleasure had come close to a human, now that human maybe was in deathly danger. Seeing the surprise on their faces as I uttered the word _exterminate_, made me realize how determined to kill I was. Alice repressing her thoughts kept me out of her mind again, but for Jasper it wasn't that easy to hide his thoughts. He could feel exactly what I felt and I knew that he would talk about it later.

"I know what our focus is, but that doesn't mean we are going to show up at a party like tramps. Anyway, we must have a decent appearance."

I let her get her way. I was too weak to argue with such nonsense. There had been left just hours until I was supposed to face Victoria and her company and I wasn't sure if I could control myself.

Every minute, every second was elapsing exasperatingly slow. I just wanted to move again, to do something because as long as I was motionless without doing anything I was running the risk to drown in my pain.

"It's time," Alice announced us and I was surprised to hear her voice.

"For what?" I asked, but Jasper seemed to understand and was already on his feet.

"To go shopping, of course."

I looked toward the window and to my surprise the curtains were opened again. I hadn't even noticed someone doing that. The sun set and she was safe to wander in the city without spreading sparkles everywhere.

"I'm coming with you," Jasper informed her as she was heading to the door.

"I don't think it is necessary, Jazz," she said in a whisper, throwing him a meaningful glance and thinking with all her might _"Don't leave him alone," _but Jasper couldn't hear her internal indications, whereas I could. Still…I didn't know what to say. "And I won't be far," she tried to reassure him. "Edward will be able to hear me." Kissing his lips with the softest touch she disappeared from the room.

We stood in silence, at least an external one, while I listened to Jasper's thoughts, something that I hadn't been doing often. It was a sure way to not think about my own thoughts. His mind, always so wide, was like a fountain full of mysteries, a chain of intricate meditations that were hard to keep up with.

From time to time he would ask me what Alice was doing and every time the answer was the same "She's still looking for something that will suit us. Relax, Jasper. She knows how to protect herself." Nevertheless, he was anxious and I could understand him. I would have felt the same for Bella. Actually, I was feeling the same, perhaps a little more by an _insignificant_ degree of boundless proportions. I was despairing to know Bella safe.

"_She has to come any second now…" _he thought, _"What's taking her so long? It's like she does it on purpose to torture me."_ Like every time I listened to his thoughts about Alice, I felt like an intruder. There was so much love and care between them, it hurt me to see, but I was happy for them. _"And we are here because of me,"_ he began blaming himself. I wished I could stop hearing his thoughts, but it was impossible. _"All of this started because of me. All could have been fine for him if it hadn't been for my filthy lust. If only I had kept my instincts in control, he would have had her in his arms now and we wouldn't have been here hunting some unknown vampires. And he's so angry, so sad and empty inside. His only desire is to destroy or to be destroyed by the magnitude of this pain that I caused. I don't know if he will be in control of himself with Victoria so close. Maybe…Should I…"_

"Edward…" he suddenly called my name with a slight hesitation in his voice.

"Yeah, Jasper."

"I was wondering if…"

"If I'll get a grip on myself," I continued in his stead.

"Yeah, you can sum it up this way," he said with wary eyes. I wished I could have told him that I will control myself, that I was fine, but I wasn't and he would have scented the lie so my only choice was the truth.

"I don't know. I don't know if I will be able to see her face without mutilating it."

"That's what I thought. Edward you know very well that I can feel everything you feel, and you're not fine. You can't keep all inside. I'm not trying to tell you to confide in me, but you are killing yourself by this self-imposed isolation."

I didn't answer him. I wasn't prepared to speak about that with anyone.

"Is there anything to talk about, Jasper? I don't think so."

"I'm sorry," he apologized, but I knew the apology wasn't for what he said previously.

"Stop blaming yourself. Please just stop."

"The point is," he continued straightening himself, "that–"

As I heard his internal thought _"You shouldn't come"_, my head turned abruptly toward him.

"I will come no matter what," I said through my clenched teeth.

"I know. It won't be any good if you won't be there to listen to what they are thinking, but don't you think it will be better if you stay at a reasonable distance away from the museum. Just to be sure you won't explode in there."

"I won't," I replied and despite of the ache that was causing me I let the words fly out of my mouth, "If I kept myself from killing Bella in that first day, I think it won't be a problem to keep Victoria alive. At least for one night. Because if she has the slightest intention of hurting Bella, I would kill her and you won't stand in my way."

"I won't. I will help you."

"There's no necessity to do this. You can come back to Carlisle and Esme at any time you want."

"How many times do you want to hear it? Or how do you want us to tell you that we love you and we are going to support you through everything?"

"I want you to understand that you are not forced to put yourself in danger for me. I made this mess now I'm the one who has to solve it."

"Yeah, fine, as you say but still we are going to do our way…so comply with it."

"Alice is coming," I let him know after I inspected his face for a sign of denying to what he said, but there wasn't any. He rose to his feet and waited for her at the door.

Like a hurricane she entered the room with two suits for me and Jasper and an evening dress for her. They were too eccentric for the occasion or maybe I thought so due to my lack of interest in the matter. In those moments, clothes were the last thing I could think about. It would have been perfect for me even if I had been forced to go naked.

"What took you so long to steal these rags?" Jasper asked her half annoyed, half amused.

"You…argh," she looked shocked hearing Jasper using the word _rag _for something that she had chosen. "Don't you dare call my clothes rags! The problem was you not me. As soon as I entered the shop I found what I was looking for me, but for you it was a nightmare so in the end I decided that for you the best choice would be a gray suite and for Edward a black one."

"Like my mood," I interjected as I checked the hour. To my disappointment I had to wait another unendurable twenty four hours. She ignored my sullen retort and strode past us to the bedroom where she left the suits and her dress, then she returned with a serious face. I froze in my place as I lifted my head to see her face.

"_We have to call Esme and Carlisle. We have to let them know what we are going to do. It's not fair for them to be pulled out."_ What wasn't fair for any of them was the situation that I had put them through and I still did. I was sure that they would come immediately if they knew what was going on.

"I don't think it's a good idea, Alice," I told her before she could say it out loud.

"Well, I don't think we are talking here about a bad or good idea. This is something we have to do. Esme and Carlisle have the right to know about us. They are looking for us. They are worried."

"She's right, Edward. We should have called them long ago. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea if th–"

"No," I shouted, not being capable anymore to control my guilt. "It's bad enough that I dragged you two into this. There's no need for them to be here."

"That's for them to decide, don't you think?" Alice dialed, her eyes piercing into mine. It had rung just once when Esme answered with a restless voice.

"_Alice,"_ she moaned, _"Where are you? We are going crazy here. What happened?"_

"Calm down, Esme, we are fine," she tried to comfort her, all the time looking at me with an I-said-you-so expression on her face. "Put me on speaker, this is something all of you have to know." As she said it she made the same thing and put the phone on the table then sat at Jasper's feet.

"_Finally you bother yourselves to call. Very nice. We are utterly grateful."_ Emmett was really irritated by our mysterious absence.

"There hasn't been time to make phone calls. We are fine but we came up against some problems." No one interrupted her. "As we were hunting, Edward scent Victoria's smell and he started tracking her, but she succeeded in getting away and then my visions became clearer and I could see where Victoria was going."

"_So where are you?"_ Emmett finally burst out. Fortunately Alice went on without responding him.

"We think she is planning to do something to Bella," as Alice pronounced her name, I could hear Rosalie's loud snarl followed instantaneously by Emmett rejoinder _"Shut up, Rose."_

"So we tracked her here. We are in..er..." she looked at me to see if she was allowed to reveal them where we were. I nodded. "We are in Victoria, Ontario. And Victoria will meet three vampires at the Victoria County Museum tomorrow evening. We are going to show up there too, to find what she wants."

"_We are going too,"_ Emmett replied decisively.

"No!" I bellowed with total opposition. There was silence and then Carlisle's calm voice filled the room.

"_Edward, you'll be outnumbered. It will be cautious if we'll come. At least one or two of us."_

"There won't be necessary," I said, trying to control my shaking voice. "We won't attack her. I just want to know what she wants. If she is planning on…on going to Forks."

"_Maybe she isn't planning anything or else we can go to watch over Be–, her,"_ Esme offered hopefully, but this was intolerable.

"No!" I shouted louder than before. "I don't want any of you to come back there." It wasn't a request. It was an order.

"If she hadn't been planning anything, then why is she hiding from us? From Edward? She knew how my visions work. She kept her distance."

"_This is dangerous,"_ Carlisle tried to reason with us, or maybe just with me. "Jasper do you know the history of the place?"

"Yeah, I know. I told them too, but we can only presume. To make sure of these facts we have to be present at that meeting. I promise you that I will make everything possible to keep things relaxed. I won't let him get in trouble. No one will be hurt."

"_Hurt? Who can be hurt?"_ Carlisle sounded surprised.

"Humans," Jasper replied with ice in his voice.

"_There will be humans there?"_ As we three answered in the same time "Yes", I could hear Esme's startled whimper.

"_Fascinating,"_ Emmett began ironically, _"I still don't understand why we can't come."_

"Because I couldn't tolerate to drag you too in this. It's enough already. After all of this is over they will be able to come back to you." My last sentence didn't pass unnoticed, but none of us said anything.

"We'll call you tomorrow," Jasper told them and the conversation was over.

The hours wore on frustratingly slow as I expected and when Alice told us "_It's time_" I felt absolutely relieved. In two minutes we were in the car heading to the museum.

I couldn't tell exactly how I was feeling. I was angry, anxious, thirsty to kill and craving for revenge. All of this chaotic combination made Jasper to be on thorns. I knew that before we would arrive there he would caution me again.

"Edward," he began looking me deep in the eyes. "As I said, you have to control any impulse you might have. You have to be aware of the people present there and focus yourself to listen to their thoughts. And no matter what you hear, just don't jump at her throat. I don't want to use my abilities against you, but if I am forced to, I most certainly will. You know very well I can let you lethargic in a moment."

I knew he wasn't threatening me and I knew how hard it was for him to say those words and most of all I knew he was right. I had to control every cell of my body to not kill Victoria and anyone else if my presumptions became true.

"I know and I'll do my best." This was the most I could promise him.

The path to the festivity hall was illuminated with rows and rows of bulbs like candles and the lofty doors were adorned with flowers. Happy couples were entering in the hall with smiles upon their faces. They had no idea what could happen in that night. I was already shaking with rage. Among the dozens of human scents, I could precisely recognize two vampires. Two of them had arrived, but Victoria wasn't there yet. I would have smelled her immediately.

"Try to act human," Alice warned us as we crossed the threshold of a promising party. Every pair of eyes turned toward us in an instant and Alice pulled us in a corner but it was impossible to avoid their amazed eyes. By accident I caught sight of my fairy sister. She was unreal. She was spectacular, but I couldn't compliment her, not when I sought frantically the threat to my only love. Her pink dress was matching perfectly with her features and she was driving all the men present crazy.

Even if I tried with all my power to block out everyone's mind except the vampires', I still heard their thoughts and it was nerve-racking.

"_Ohhh, Shannon look at these beauties, they are out of this world. Maybe I should go and talk to them. And look at the reddish brown haired one. He is so beautiful. I can't breathe. He looks like he's in pain."_

How ironic. Until now the one that looked like he's in pain was Jasper, not me. And why should I always stand out? It never bothered me more than in that second.

By the time I managed to focus on the two vampires' minds, they already sensed us, but they had no intention to approach so we stood still at our table. I couldn't see them. Once this wouldn't have troubled me, but now it was an exasperating disadvantage. The party had started, but I didn't give the slightest attention to it. Humans after humans, especially dreamy women were passing past us, but I didn't move. I was concentrating on one thing and one thing only. And she was keeping me waiting.

Suddenly the ground beneath my feet quivered and the table in front of me was on the point of falling down. Voices whirled in my mind, the laughter of people I'd never known clouded my awareness and one prominent scent was suffocating me, burning my throat. I wanted to kill her, savage and unrestrained desire to kill. Victoria was dancing in front of me. On the other side of the hall she was walking slowly toward the vampires that looked so at ease. If it hadn't been for Alice and Jasper that were holding me in place with all their strength I would have killed her without thinking.

"SIT DOWN NOW!" Jasper's authority didn't impress me. I was out of control. Little by little I was losing touch of my surroundings. The anger I felt was overwhelming.

"He's losing it. Do it, Jazz, just do it," I heard Alice telling him from far away. She was just behind me clenching my arm.

"Please, Edward, sit down. You are attracting everyone's attention." I couldn't listen to him. I just wanted to be free, to be able to tear her to pieces. "If we fail at this, we won't know if Bella is in danger." It shot through me like an arrow of resurrection. I fell involuntarily in the chair. It took me some minutes to compose myself and then all I heard was their voices. With all the uproar, I knew that Jasper and Alice could hear their voices too, but not their thoughts. That was my job to hear.

"They are here. The Cullens. We should go. They must not know," Victoria hissed as she was looking over her shoulder.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Victoria. I don't care if they know what we are going to do. They won't dare to stop us."

"I wouldn't be so sure…"

"Who are they, anyway?"

"The ones that killed James. The ones that someday I will kill myself."

"It's a desire to be very much admired of you, but we have no time for this stupid revenge thing. Understand?"

"I understand," she replied, her face twisting with rage.

"Finally, Omemee thought it is a good time to come. Impressive."

A tall, dark haired man approached them with a silly smile on his face.

"My dear ones, I'm so glad to see you again after all this time. Victoria…Lindsay…Bobcaygeon…" he said as he hugged them. His behavior was human enough if it wasn't for his repulsive thoughts.

"_It's full of fresh blood here. And it smells so good. Without a doubt I will taste some after this meeting is over."_

"We can see that you missed us and that unbearable desire to see us again made you come so late."

"You are hurting my feelings."

"So, Bob…" Victoria began, still uncomfortable by our presence. "You think that we should discuss our matters here in front of them and let them know everything, right?"

"Oh, you've got married…how sweet!" the man called Omemee said with a mocking expression upon his face. Victoria froze and I could feel Jasper beside me clenching his fist. He was experiencing Victoria's feeling and she was "_Utterly angry."_

"You stupid useless dog, don't tell me you can't smell them. It's all over the place."

"You dare to call me dog when I'm centimeters away from you?"

"Yeah, I do," she bellowed.

"Stop that," Bobcaygeon intervened. "Some friends of Victoria honored us with their presence. Isn't it sweet? But they should have known that this is forbidden territory." I knew this was a warning. It didn't affect me in the slightest.

"They are no friends of mine," she jeered at him. _"If he thinks that his leadership means something to me he is totally wrong. I still want to rip him apart for what he's done to me. I'm the true leader here. I'm the one who should take the decisions not him. I hadn't deserted. I had just followed James. They will pay, of course they will. As soon as I'll have my own army, the war will begin."_

"Whatever you say. So we are gathered here to talk about whether or not we will make an army of newborns"

I was shocked. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. They wanted to create newborns? But why? What was their purpose?

"I can't believe it," Victoria protested. "This is illegal as you know. The Volturi will kill us as soon as they will know that we thought about it. And who, do you think, will let them know? THE CULLENS YOU IMBECILE INGENUOUS."

"They won't or if they intend to they will be dead before us. You can be sure of that. And Victoria, I want to remind you something. Some years ago, you ran away with your dear…what is his name?"

"JAMES," she shook with fury as she said the name.

"Yeah, James…was his name, sorry. I forgot he's dead or better said ashes."

"Don't you dare insult him in front of me."

"As you can see I dare. My point is that when you ran away with him you lost all your rights here. You are no more the head of the Brilliant Ones. You're now following my orders. And if this is not all right with you, you can leave. I won't stop you. So…listen to what we have to discuss and STOP CONTRADICTING ME. UNDERSTAND?"

"Yeah," she said through her teeth.

"Lindsay, my beloved, you haven't said anything. Delight me with your beautiful voice, please." She smirked and then began speaking with the most insignificant voice in the world.

"Our main objective is to create as much vampires as we possibly can without the Volturi's knowledge. Of course, it is a risky job to start, but it wouldn't be the first time we've tried. As soon as we'll make them, we have to keep them focus on our goals and obviously we must satisfy their needs. Food won't be a problem. Just look around. It's plenty for everyone."

"And meanwhile we should satisfy our needs too," Omemee vociferated his earlier thought. They all laughed at that, even Victoria, but suddenly Bobcaygeon became serious.

"Now we shouldn't be covetous. As Lindsay said the creation of an army is possible, and when we'll have that maybe we will make possible the breakdown of the Volturi too."

They kept on discussing the same problem all over again and I'd listened to every calamity they thought. It had caught me by surprise when they changed the subject. Horror took over me. Until that moment, not one of my assumptions had become true. I prayed for things to stay that way. I prayed, without being sure that God had time to listen to me, for Bella to be safe and all my anxiety to be meaningless.

"Have you heard from Sonya lately?" Victoria asked Bobcaygeon looking in the mirror in front of her to see us.

"Don't remember me about that stinking slut. She thinks she is special with that gift of hers. She thinks that with her stupid ability to make someone hear in their heads what she wants she's precious or something. Oh, but I'll find her someday. And when that day will come she will be sorry. Now I think our meeting is over. Please Omemee, let our guest know how pleased we were that they attended to our tumultuous discussions. Or Victoria, do you want to do that?" Her lips curled above her teeth and she gave him a hostile smile.

"_The only thing I want is to kill them. And I don't care you heard me."_ I smiled defiantly and I knew she'd seen me in the mirror.

Omemee approached our table with a smile on his face, like any human would have done, and without asking for permission he sat down.

"I'm in a little disadvantage and I don't think it's fair. See…you three know my name, whereas I know you just as 'The Cullens'." He laughed mockingly and the temptation to erase that laugh off his face forever was spinning in my mind. I smiled too, showing my teeth.

"I think it's enough, Omemee…" Alice's constant grip on my arm kept reminding me where I was. Surprisingly, I felt relaxed to talk to the scum.

"Hmm…I was trying to be agreeable. I didn't want, for example, to offense the lady, present here–"

"What do you want?" Jasper cut him short?

"As I can see there is no possibility for us to have a pleasant conversation so I'll get to the point. I together with my friends discussed some serious business tonight and as you probably heard we will react and not to your liking if these matters will come out of this hall. So if you are kind enough…just spare us from slaughtering some vampires."

"Have you finished?" I asked as I kept my defiant smile.

"Yeah, I think I have."

"Then you can disappear from my sight." He sat up looking at the three of us and turned to leave, but I knew he wasn't done.

"Ah…I almost forgot. You have an hour to leave our territory."

They disappeared from the hall as ghosts and after that we headed toward the exit too. We'd had enough.

As I felt the familiar interior of Carlisle's car I knew that all was over. My frame shook with happiness. There wasn't any danger for Bella. Nothing threatened her. It was just my overreaction that dragged us here. She could continue her life as I wanted her to. Everything was fine. Relief rushed through me, washing my empty chest. Alice smiled at me, but it was a sad smile and all of a sudden all that happiness was gone. Terrible ache was pressing the hollow from my chest. We were leaving and directing toward a destination where I wouldn't find what I needed.

"_I would never see Bella."_ I thought even if it shattered me. I was alone. I was damned to be alone for all eternity.


	5. Frozen Hell

**Chapter 5: Frozen hell**

The car was leaving behind all my worries, everything that made me move from the darkness that now was swallowing me up again. My trembling was growing by the second, but it became a different kind of trembling. Of course, I had no one to return to. Of course, the abyss was now wide open in front of me impatient to devour me. It was insupportable, like I was living that wretched day again and again. Flashes came back to me to torment me even more.

Bella with her puzzled expression suddenly replaced by a grieved one, me on the forest, Emmett and Alice running toward me, Esme and Carlisle seeing me with supportive eyes and all the period I laid useless in Tanya's house were dreadfully alive in my mind. How much I hurt them. I was hurting everyone like a pastime, everything I had ever touched I'd hurt it too.

So this was what Alice had predicted. There had been three weeks and I had to go. I needed to go. I knew that I was going to hurt them once again, but I desperately craved to go as far as I could. Like the masochist I had always been I wanted to be able to sink in that consuming pain. I wanted to feel it all, even if it was burning me up. It was the only way to remain close to _her_ without hurting her more. As long as I was suffering she had to be fine.

From time to time Alice would have hardened her grip on my arm even tighter and pressed her lips on my forehead. She was trying to keep me by her side. By their side. But as she clearly knew I was going to leave them. It was a necessity.

"Stop," I commanded in a faint voice. Without asking or turning their eyes to me, the car stopped and they got out. We were beyond any doubt alone and I could tell that we were halfway back.

It was silence and I had no idea how to begin. They were standing in front of me with their backs at me, being still.

"You don't have to do this," Alice moaned, but I cut her off. Any kind of supplication wouldn't have helped me. It would only have made it harder.

"Yes I have to. I know that it is hard for you too, but I won't be able to handle anyone's presence again, not that I'd been until now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, but I must be alone for a while. And I don't know how long this _a while_ will be." As I was speaking, the thoughts in her mind were spinning at the highest speed possible. Even for a vampire it was difficult to keep up with. At first I'd tried to understand what she was plotting, but then I concentrated on the few words I could say.

"Do you remember what I told you three weeks ago?" I nodded, but she continued, telling me once more those words that I didn't deserve. "I told you that I'll make everything possible for you to smile again, that I'll have you back again, no matter what." She took my face in her hands pressing on my temples with her icy fingers like she wanted to sink the information in my head. "And I'm going to keep my word. Don't you think that I will let you stay in misery for the simple fact that I let you leave today. I won't. And you'll be back."

Her thoughts were distracting me even if I didn't want to be distracted. She was recalling visions, in which she was meeting new people, most likely vampires, and she was somewhere far from home with Jasper by her side. She was looking for something like her life would depend on that. And then, there were gaps in her visions. She couldn't see what she was looking for. The more she remembered the clearer I could understand. She wanted to find one person in particular and in the hunt for that I was constantly in her mind. I frowned for a moment, but I let it go. Maybe she will look for something in the near future, but it wasn't necessary to be for me. Maybe the worry she felt now, was clouding her mind.

"Thank you," I said as I looked them both in the eyes, "But I don't want you to do anything. Just come back to Carlisle and Esme and tell them to not worry for m–"

"If you think that we won't be worried," Jasper cut in. "You're dead wrong. We will be worried for you every second of every day. We are family, Edward. You have to understand that once and for all. You're not an outcast. You are a part of us."

"I know this too and I'll try to call from time to time to see how you're doing. But before I leave I want you to make me a promise." Jasper looked at me at a complete loss and Alice sighed. "I want you to promise me that none of you will come back to Forks, that you won't interfere in her life by any means. And Alice I don't want you to watch her future anymore." I waited for them to say something, but nothing escaped their mouths. Finally, I could hear an answer from Alice's mind.

"_I would have promised you anything, but not that. You know that I can't stop it when I want to. I'll still have visions of her future."_

"Then you'll try to block them out." With small steps I began to retreat and their eyes filled with sorrow and regret.

"At least take the car," Jasper pleaded even if he'd certainly foreseen my answer.

"Where I'm going I won't need a car." I answered dryly.

"But where are you going? I can't see anything. You don't know where you are going. You'll just wander the world."

"Probably," I said as I realized that she was right. I had no idea where I would leave or arrive.

"Edward, you know that after Jasper's, your future is the one that I can see most clearly," she continued closing the space between us. "So don't you dare to do something stupid, something to harm yourself in any way because I'll be there to prevent it."

"I won't," I promised not entirely sure that I wanted to keep my promise.

Under her peering eyes I went on with my retreat. "Be safe," was the last thing I was capable of saying and then I could hear Alice telling Jasper that they would come back to Denali and after that they would make a journey. I couldn't understand why and I didn't bother myself to do it. Then, I was gone…running through the unknown.

Again running, again alone. Pain was clouding my senses all over again. If that was my punishment I was willing to receive it. If all these months that I had with Bella had to be paid with my torture, then I'd happily accept it. It is said that sooner or later everything ends, but every end means another beginning. For me there was no beginning, just an end and my memories.

I wanted to crawl, to bury myself deep into the ground. Maybe without me on this world something would be better, someone happier. I was running faster than if I had been chased by hell hounds.

**********

I'd been running and hiding and running again for days, until I decided that it was time to stop. I wasn't precisely sure where I was. Probably far from the US border, far from all that I'd ever loved.

The small village where I'd stopped was almost uninhabited, but I could sense somewhere around some living beings. Living still, but it wasn't known for how long with me near them. I brought myself nearer to the dilapidated hut in front of me that it seemed abandoned. It was a nice place to live when all the reasons to keep living were gone, when all you'd ever lived for was far away from you and eternally forbidden.

I crossed the threshold and threw a negligent glance to my surroundings, then I closed the door behind me. It didn't matter that the room was full of dust and mud on the ground with a table and a chair full of grease and spitting and that the cobwebs were hanging everywhere. It did matter that I was alone and no one could see me. It did matter that finally I was able to drown completely in my terrible pain.

I coiled up in a corner and waited for the ache to press me with all its force. Maybe to destroy me once and for all. I breathed once, twice, thrice…and that was it. It hit with indescribable power. It knocked the breath out of me. I couldn't breathe anymore. I laid there in my own kind of unconsciousness, God knowing if I would ever be able to lift up again.

I closed my eyes sinking deeper and deeper, seeing in my pitiable disillusion her beautiful face, her heart-breaking smile. The remembrance of how it felt being beside her, having her in my arms, made me tremble uncontrollable until I fell facedown in the dirt. My fingers were scratching the floor of their own accord. I let my memories come back in angelic flows.

I missed every part of her, every word she'd said and I wanted so bad to come back. At least to see she was safe and happy like I wanted her to be. But she deserved much better than me. She was an angel from heaven and I was a monster from the darkest pit of hell. I wasn't worthy of having in my arms such magnificent creature, not even in my mind.

If only I had the ability to turn human for her, if there was a solution to this, something that could have made me less dangerous for her, something to keep her safe with me around her, I would have done everything. My mind went back to the days I'd been human and Bella hadn't been even born, when I'd been absolutely alone, just like now.

I couldn't put the blame on Carlisle for turning me to this horrendous nature. He had done it with the best intention possible. If I should be grateful to someone, certainly Carlisle would be that someone. Every time I needed him, he'd been by my side, supporting me. I was the one who refused everyone's help, the one who couldn't bear to be vulnerable or breakable and now I was more vulnerable and breakable than I had ever been. I was a total wreck.

I wanted to feel her, to hear her, but she was so far and I had to keep her that far. She was the light to my soul when all the other lights had faded away. I was falling inside the depths of a burning fire, knowing that I wasn't allowed to ever come back. She was all I wanted, all I needed and still I couldn't have her. I was longing for her like a dying man for another second to live. She was my life. Without her, I didn't want to keep living.

I was suffocating in my own prison. I was numb with anguish and the silence around me pressed even more upon my troubled cold heart. Everything around me was getting colder. Everything I'd touched it had withered, even my own body.

I was lying lifeless on the ground repeating again and again her name like she was going to appear in front of me if I kept muttering her name long enough. I knew she wouldn't. Of course not. I was like a paralytic trapped in his soul, trying to find a way out of his sufferings, but that way wasn't to be found. That way didn't exist for me.

I didn't take notice of the time that was certainly passing by or of the surroundings of the hut where I'd sheltered myself. I didn't care if someone knew that I was there. I couldn't care about anything else, beside the face that was dancing behind my closed eyelids.

So beautiful, so healing to see hear features drawn into a splendid smile. I was the pain and she was the healing. As long as I was able to see her face I could exist. As long as I knew she was breathing somewhere in this world I could be. But I couldn't function without her. Without her I was nothing.

I was still slipping in the cracks of this hell that was putting me into chains. I was still clinging desperately to my memories like a drug addict. _"You are my brand of heroine"_ I told her once. She was more than that. Her absence was cutting into me like swords of fire, but still I was numb and cold and still on the ground.

The pressure of my pain was growing more and more and faster every time. It tortured me beyond belief.

"Bella, my love," I whispered to the dark, "I need you…I–I"

But she couldn't hear me. She would never know how much I love her and how much I suffered to be away from her. She would never know how difficult was for me to tell her that I didn't want her anymore. It was pure blasphemy. My greatest lie, a lie that she accepted so easily. After all the times I repeated to her that I loved her with all my being, she believed the lie instantaneously.

I wanted to break out from this pain that was rushing through me again and again, stronger every time. I wanted to escape and still I wanted to feel every part of it. To have Bella close. Because that was all I could have now. If suffering meant to have her close, then I'd rather suffer forever, than have her further away still.

Out of the silence a wounded scream sounded and echoed for hours. I was shaking violently and my mouth was wide open. It was me. It was me the one who had screamed. The devastated sound that was flowing in the night was my grief-stricken voice. I couldn't shut my mouth. I couldn't erase her name from my lips. Like a mentally deranged person I kept screaming for her, breaking each time into tiny pieces, and thousands of ghosts parted from me and carried her name far away, but not far enough for her to hear it. I knew it and it broke me once more.

"_It's something in there, someone…I saw him long ago when he arrived, but he never left. He's still in there."_

"_Maybe something it's happening, maybe we should go and see–"_

"_Or maybe he is an insane man. He seems dangerous. No one in his right mind would have screamed like he did last night. It's frightening to hear._

"_Oh shut your filthy mouth. It broke my heart. He is definitely suffering. If I could help him in any way. And he screamed for a woman. Bella…maybe she is dead or something."_

I froze, paralyzed in my place. SHE WAS NOT DEAD. She couldn't be. It took all my efforts to not scream back at them that she wasn't dead, that she was alive, and happy if God permitted it.

Apparently I was heard in my agonized moment and the place was not safe anymore for me.

"_I think we should make him leave. This place has always been safe for us. We don't want an unknown wanderer to ruin it. Anyway what is our business if he's suffering or not. He may kill us all as far as I know."_

"_You know nothing and I told you to shut up. Why in the world will he want to kill you? Do you even listen to the stupidities you are saying? I think I'm going to offer him my help. Anything I can, just to do something to ease his pain."_

"_Oh, come on. What can you do except going willingly to him so he can fuc–"_

"_Don't you dare insult me. Out of my house. And I don't want to see you near that hut, you stupid hopeless ass. OUT"_

I rose to my feet, still shaking, almost collapsing to the ground, but miraculously I made myself move. I wasn't going to let them find me in this state. One way or another I was forced to leave. It took me several minutes to steady myself so I could leave the hut and run again to that torturous unknown.

I was walking like a drunk man with my eyes fixed on the soil and I wished I could sprint to my delirious kind of running, but I couldn't. Not as long as someone could see me. There were noises behind and in front of me, but I was too intoxicated with the pain I felt to clear them up. I could feel eyes upon me, looking at me like I was a freak, but I didn't care. Maybe it was my imagination.

I kept on moving until I heard a terrified scream and I stopped like a rock. It was a scream of someone I'd never met, but it was a voice that I'd definitely heard…once. I strained every nerve of my body to remember when I'd heard that voice and finally it came to me. It was the voice that I heard minutes ago, defending me. It was a pleasant voice to hear even in this nightmare I was living.

Like I'd been struck I turned my head toward the place the scream came from and I couldn't control all the anger that filled me. Without consciously thinking what I was doing, I sprinted into a run and in a second I was clenching his throat. A filthy, disgraceful being was trying to force that girl to do something repulsive, truly hideous. I could have killed him so easily. One finger would have been enough to put an end to his disgusting life. I wanted to do it. It felt almost good to be at his throat ready to kill, but the girl sighed and in a whisper commanded me to stop.

"Stop, please," she begged. "Let him go. He is a scum. You'll do him a favor." It was so peaceful to hear her voice. To my surprise, there were people on this earth who deserved to live. I threw the wretch as far and hard as I knew will be enough to hurt him with permanent injuries. Once out of my grasp he made everything in his power to run and be out of my sight. He took the right choice because every second he was in my view I was entertaining the impulse of killing him.

I remained unmoving in that place with my arms by my sides as the poor girl was buttoning up her chemise. She moved in front of me with sheepish steps and looked into my twisted features.

"Thank you," she said and only then I realized she was speaking in Portuguese. "You were so brave to save me. I don't have words to thank you for what you have done. If it's something I could do for you…" Her words trailed off as I lifted my head to see her eyes. She was tall and thin, with blue eyes and dark hair and she was speechless. How could she be worried for me when she had definitely seen that I wasn't human? Maybe she didn't know exactly what I was, but she had to presume that I wasn't normal. I'd run at full speed in front of her. Surprisingly even to me, I wasn't concerned that she could expose me.

"_He is an angel. An angel from God. And he came to save. Oh my God he is astonishingly beautiful. How can such a beautiful creature from God suffer? Why is it permitted such a crime? I will be forever grateful to him, but I doubt I can do something to smooth his beautiful face. I can read the pain in his eyes. I feel like I love him already."_

I definitely was no creature from God. To be accurate I was a fiend from hell. I didn't know if it was right to fly away from her compassionate gaze or wait for her to say something more. Maybe if I had disappeared from her sight she would have believed that everything was a dream. Maybe she wouldn't be forced to remember the hands of that _scum_ on her. Nevertheless I couldn't move.

"Thank you," she repeated with more concern in her eyes and I nodded. She seemed relieved to see me reacting. I wanted to tell her to take care of herself to be more careful even if she was living in a deserted place, wretched people existed everywhere and craved beautiful girls like her anytime of the day, but the words wouldn't fly out from my mouth. I scrutinized her face to make sure she was alright. I nodded again and then I turned to leave.

"Stay," she said and I obeyed. _"He is definitely miserable. Maybe it will be better for him to be alone and I have to let him go, but I need to know,"_ she thought with kindness. "At least tell me your name," she continued in that pleading voice. Who was I to refuse her that? Who was I to not fulfill her desire? No one.

"Edward," I answer in an awkward voice, but it seemed to impress her even more. She didn't breathe and I didn't say anything else. I continued my run leaving her behind.

**********

I knew that I was running back and I knew that I should make myself stop, but it was too late. I was heading to the US frontier and something moved through me. It was dangerously close to hope. I run faster as my need became more pronounced and the control on myself weaker by the second. I was about to make a huge mistake, something that was unpardonable. My legs started quivering and slowly my mind connected to my body.

"_STOP"_ I shouted in my mind. I had to stop in that precise second. And I stopped in the middle of more dirt and fell down again. Like an insect I crawled to a corner. Again, I was alone like I needed to be and again time was passing without me noticing it.

I didn't know where I was or if the world still existed. I only knew that every second was harder to stay away. I so desperately needed to feel her presence, to breathe her like oxygen. I felt broken beyond repair and all I needed, all I wanted was a glimpse of her face. Would it have been so wrong to lift from my misery and go to see her? Just to see her. I wouldn't have approached. But I knew that I shouldn't let my mind wander in those directions. If I had seen her, I would have wanted to touch her, to feel her and it was impossible.

"Grasp that," I moaned to myself.

Somewhere inside my head I knew I couldn't stay away for much longer. I didn't even know how long I managed to do it, and the idea of seeing her again was arising and I needed all the efforts that I could find to make myself understand that I couldn't see her again, but the necessity was so strong, almost was giving me hope. I was trying to convince myself again and again that I had to maintain my distance, that I'd made a promise and I had to stick with that even if it was ripping me apart. Her beautiful smile, though, was always behind my lids inviting me to her. I knew that this was only my longing imagination, but I couldn't repress it. It only made me more eager to let myself controlled by my impulses. It would have been so healing.

The thought was pumping in my heart and every part of me was ready to run toward Forks when all the memories with Bella being in danger because of me came back in my mind. Something like that could never happen. Not as long as I could avoid it.

The pain was pulsing through me like flames and the knowledge that I couldn't see her again was clearer second by second. It hurt me even more. Each time was harder, each time the pressure of this ache was taking a part of me away. I wanted to scream again, but it wouldn't do any good.

I was burning, though I was still cold. I was buried in my personal hell. Lost in a frozen hell, fighting all the demons that were screaming at me _"Come back"_. I knew that I shouldn't even think about it, but my will was slowly weakening. Nothing had changed for me as the time had been mercilessly passing by. The silence and the darkness were still the only ones present to my anguished existence. I couldn't hear a sound or see a ray of sun. Not that I wanted any of that without _her_. But suddenly something broke the stillness that I was so accustomed to.

The phone in my pocket was ringing insistently.


	6. Lightening the darkness

**Chapter 6: Lightening the darkness**

I didn't want to talk to anybody but still I was forced to. At first I'd tried to pay no attention to the persistent ringing and the irritating vibrations the phone produced, but realizing that it won't stop until I give in and answer it or powder it with a slight touch of my fingers, I decided to answer. Or at least to see who was calling.

Like a worm I scrambled until I managed to stay in a sitting position and with shaky fingers I squeezed out the phone. I closed my eyes before I answered and then fearfully I opened them to look at the flickering screen. Shock rushed through me and there was something more, something that was dangerously close to disappointment. Why did I feel so relieved and in the same time so saddened to see Alice's name on that screen? What had I expected? What the hell was going through my mind? I was losing it. I could feel it deep inside me, but I had to offer resistance to my pain, to my desires.

Still not knowing if it was wrong or right to answer her I pressed the green button and she sighed. In spite of my efforts to say something I couldn't find my voice to speak. Just then I remembered that I'd promised them to call from time to time, but I hadn't called them at all. I didn't even know how long I'd been away.

"Edward," she finally said with chime in her voice. She sounded concerned and relieved, but her voice had a tone that I couldn't recognize, that was hard to comprehend. There was a long pause until she managed to continue. Listening to the silence between us I couldn't imagine that I will ever be able to articulate a word. The pain was splitting me into pieces. "I was so worried…no, no…'worried' is not the correct word. We are insane here, not knowing what you're doing. And it passed so long. You can't stay in this condition much longer. I know that it is meaningless to ask how you feel, but…Please say something, Edward…something, anything, just speak for God's sake."

"Hi." It was surprising even for me that I'd been able to speak. There was another pause and I could hear from behind Alice voices and sighs. It was Esme for sure, Esme that didn't deserve the pain I caused her.

"Edward, you should come back. You should at least try to feel better not the opposite. What you are doing, this self-imposed isolation, is torturous. You're destroying your life."

"My life is already destroyed, with or without any help from me. And what could I do Alice? How in the world do you imagine that I could feel better?"

"By trying everything possible to be happy. By coming back to us."

"No," I said sternly.

"Oh, Edward…Actually I'm not trying to convince you or to invite you to come back. I command you to _come back_," but she was pleading not ordering and it broke my heart. It was insupportable to hear Alice sad. "Do you even have the slightest idea how long you've been gone? Do you even think of how much I miss you and how badly I want you to return?"

"I'm sorry…"I breathed, but she continued without paying attention to me.

"Almost four months you kept your distance, and in these months you've been in only two places. That's not life. You won't live on like this. I won't let you." Suddenly her voice became serious, almost furious. And I couldn't find the strength to make her understand that I won't come back, that I wasn't able to come back.

"I won't come back, Alice," I told her through unmoving lips.

"Oh, Edward, you are coming home or I'm coming to get you and yank you back here. You choose."

"I choose that you stay there and let me stay here." She was already hissing in my ear, but nevertheless I continued. "And as far as I can remember, Alice, we have no home and that's because of me. We haven't a life anymore because of me as well."

".YOURSELF. It's not what you need right now." Her voice transformed into a total mystery for me. It was so frustrating not to be able to hear her thoughts.

"And what do I need right now?" I asked her, somehow sarcastic.

"To come home because when we are all together we are home, no matter where we find ourselves. And you need to be open-minded about what I'm going to tell you." So there was a point to this enigmatic call. And I needed to be open-minded about it too. Almost instantaneously I knew that I won't like it.

"And what is that?" I asked, expecting her answer with less interest than I should have.

"You come home first, then I–"

"I won't." As decisively as I could I cut her off, but she didn't give up. Of course she didn't.

"You want to know what I have to tell you. It's important and it's for your good. At least that you can do." She was clouding my mind. What was she talking about? What was so important that she wanted to tell me?

"Then say it, if it's so important…"

"No. I can't tell you this way. We need to talk. Face to face." More and more was sounding like a trap for me to come back.

"I'm not coming back. I can't come back."

"By 'can't' you mean "don't want to'?"

"Both," I responded her sincerely and I could tell I hurt her.

"Edward, it just doesn't make sense your isolation. We truly want you here. It will be easier for everyone. Just come back we'll sort this out."

"No, Alice. If you want to tell me something spit it out. Don't wait for me to return."

"Fine then…"she spoke through her gritted teeth, "be stubborn how much you want, I can be too. It's about Bella."

I was dumbfounded, struck by lightning.

"What did you say?" I groaned, still not believing my ears.

"It's abou–"

"I heard what you said, Alice. You don't have to repeat for me. But…oh…how could you? Why, Alice? I begged you to not watch her future anymore. I want her to go on with her life without us."

"Do you?" she asked sardonically. "I haven't watched her future…yet. First you have to come back. There's more I have to tell you. Now…do you want me to come and get you?"

"No!" the possibility of not returning didn't exist anymore. She must have seen that. She'd had an ace up her sleeve and she'd used it successfully.

"Then I'll meet you in five hours."

I've barely had the time to put the phone back in my pocket that my legs were sprinting into a wild run. It seemed that the only thing I was capable of doing lately was to run at full speed.

The wind was whooshing past me like a tornado and my feet were merely touching the ground. Just the sound of her name was enough to make me move again and run back like a madman, but I knew I'd taken the wrong way. I couldn't allow myself to take the short way to Denali. That would have meant crossing Forks. _Ahh,_ I sighed and the pain was so strong that almost broke me in pieces, but I'd changed the direction before I could think too much about the curing possibilities of crossing, just crossing Forks.

So, instead of taking stupid risks I took the long way, crisscrossing Canada and running faster as I slowly approached Alaska. If I would still have had a heart, a pounding one, it would certainly have flight out from my chest. Not knowing what Alice wanted to tell me, was usually frustrating, but not knowing something about Bella that Alice could have told me, was utterly insufferable. Her stubborn refusal to make clear what was going on until I was face to face with her was a torment for my already tormented existence.

My anxiety was growing as I passed the frontier and I could feel familiar ground beneath my feet. It was unfair after all I'd been through to suffer even more, but nevertheless I deserved it. I needed more speed. I needed to run faster and surprisingly I realized that I was coming closer to Alice and implicitly to the truth that was going to solve the mystery.

I was a blur leaving everything behind me when I heard her voice.

"Stop!" she said in a pleading and still ordering voice. I stopped.

Alice came slowly from the depths of the forest and she was moving toward me with infuriating slowness like she was afraid to scare me. For God's sake, couldn't she move faster and put me out of my misery? I pleaded with my eyes for her to elucidate the mystery, but she made no attempt in doing it.

She touched me with her fingertips to make sure I was real and then she embraced me in a suffocating hug. She trembled, sobbing violently and I hugged her too, trying to comfort her. I was safe. I felt like home in her arms. It was so unlike her to react like that and I rubbed her back with the softest pressure. She was so fragile now, even emotionally. Her mind couldn't offer me any clue about the answer I was looking for. She was so relieved to have me in her arms that I could feel the happiness emanating from her.

"Finally," she breathed, "finally you're here. Oh, Edward, I missed you so much. I thought I'll go insane without you. You're here. You're here."

She seemed so shaken by all this. I wondered if this state of hers had something to do with what she wanted to tell me.

"Shh," I tried to calm her down, "shh, I'm right here. Don't worry. Everything will be fine."

"It's not fine. You're not fine. You are far from fine."

"I know that, but nothing can be done about it." I looked confused in her suddenly angry eyes and then it was clear. The thoughts were rushing through her mind.

"_Of course something can be done. Did you honestly believe that I was going to sit with my hands crossed and wait for a solution to fall from the sky? I did everything I could think of, everything that was possible and I'll do more if I could make you happy. I will take away the happiness from everyone just to see you smile with your whole heart for a second. Nothing matters, Edward, when you're gone. Nothing has color when you are lifeless inside. So don't tell me that nothing can be done for you. I won't accept it. I won't permit it."_

It was too much for me to hear her thinking in this way again. Perhaps it would have been better if she blamed me for what we've lost, for what I forced her to lose, just like Rosalie had done. But no. Alice was the personification of love and compassion and she was making it harder for me. Harder even to stand my own person. I tried to take a rigid attitude to estrange her from me, but it was impossible. She was determined to do something and I wanted to know what that something was.

"What are you doing here, Alice? Why didn't you wait for me at Tanya's?"

Moving slowly and thinking about every gesture she made she lifted her head to peer deep in my eyes.

"I thought it will be better this way, to meet you half way home and…and tell you." A tint of embarrassment or something else I couldn't recognize blossomed in her eyes. _"I have to tell him everything before he sees her." _The thought escaped from her mind without her to be able to suppress it.

"Who should I see, Alice?" She didn't respond and I felt flames in my chest. What had all this to do with Bella? What was the connection? Or it was no connection and Alice made me come here deluding me with Bella's name. No. I couldn't accept that. Alice wouldn't make something like that to me. "What are you keeping from me?" I asked her again more anxious.

"You have to promise me you'll take it easy and you'll consider it. It's just a possibility."

"Alice, I don't think I'm going to handle this for too long so spit it out. Say what you want to say so I can leave."

"WHAT? What are you talking about? You are not going to leave, no matter what you have to say about my solution. You are going to stay with us, Edward. You'll stay even if I'll have to chain you."

I rubbed my temples with my thumb and my index finger as I waited for her answer, but it didn't come.

"You told me it's about Bella. What is it Alice?" Slowly I was losing my grip and I spit the words through my teeth looking at my feet. I realized we were walking just when she pulled me down on a stone.

"It's about both of you. I don't think that at this stage we can talk about you separately." I raised my eyebrows waiting for her to continue.

"After you left," she began and I knew that now was the moment, that she was going to elucidate the mystery that was burning me inside. "Jasper and I came back to Denali to inform everyone about our unexpected trip, but the days were passing by and I couldn't live in peace. I had in my mind one thought and that single thought was spinning round and round in my mind. I can bet you don't remember or better said you didn't pay any attention to anyone else beside Victoria at that weird party and I can understand the confusion in your eyes. That night they mentioned one of them, a member of the community they had founded, that was still alive and had a gift. The words of Bobcaygeon remained imprinted in my mind. _'She thinks that with her stupid ability to make someone hear in their heads what she wants she's precious or something. Oh, but I'll find her someday. And when that day will come she will be sorry.'_ These were his precise words and I repeated them over and over again and every time was sounding more conspicuous like something was wrong. The only thing clear was that one of them left the place and therefore the others wanted to destroy her. The desire to find her was unstoppable by the moment and I couldn't even explain it to myself. I was definitely attracted by her gift, even if I didn't know exactly how it worked. And I hadn't any idea how to find her either."

"I still don't understand," I cut her in, being more puzzled than ever.

"You're so impatient," she retorted with motherly love in her eyes, but continued immediately. "As Bobcaygeon said, she could make someone else hear what she wanted to, so I thought it was worth to find her to discover how it really worked that gift of hers. Of course, Jasper knew something was wrong with me and I couldn't hide my thoughts for too long. I was surprised to see that he embraced my opinion and even offered me some clues about how we can find her, but this was a job for many people and as soon as we made our plan we left Denali. We found out from old friends of Carlisle's that she can be in Europe, but at the same time they told us that they had seen her in Australia and some countries of South America so Rose and Em have gone to Switzerland to look for her in the mountains, Carlisle and Esme to Argentina, but it looks like they've been misled, and me and Jasper decided to make the long trip to Australia."

"Once or twice we thought that Rose and Em found her. It was so close or at least it seemed that way, but each time they found other vampires, many of them having no knowledge about American vampires. I don't see the point to recount you all the events, sure is that every one of us found leads more or less important, but in the end everything was helpful."

"Carlisle and Esme were the first to return and they warned us to protect the identity of this unknown vampire we were seeking. We were not the only ones wanting to find her. The Brilliant Ones wanted her too so if they found our intentions most probably they would have tried to benefit from our efforts. It became more difficult to look for her as we had to keep our attempts a secret, but we didn't stop."

"Jasper made a plan for us to visit the old places where he knew once had lived vampires to see if we found any to help us find her, but the ones we found didn't know or heard about her. We almost left Canberra when a dark figure with brown eyes approached us. She had at least forty years when she'd been transformed and yet she seemed stronger than many vampires. We were stunned waiting for her to speak. Jasper almost jumped at her throat thinking that she wanted to protect her territory and that she was trying to harm us, but I couldn't see that happening so I stopped him. She was our salvation, the only one that truly helped us."

She made a pause taking my hand in hers and then she opened her mind for me.

It was dark as she'd already said and I couldn't condemn Jasper for believing that they were in danger. The woman was standing in front of them waiting and her bizarre appearance assembled nothing I'd ever seen. She was not of short stature, but she wasn't tall enough either. Her beautiful face could have melted every human that would have dared to look at her, but not Alice and Jasper. They stood firm with tense position scrutinizing every move of the strange woman. Exceptional as she was and still she seemed untrustworthy, dangerous even.

She gestured for them to follow and Jasper took the lead holding Alice tight by his side. How much I wanted to do the same with Bella. To have her in my arms. Her memory switched fast showing me a room that seemed to be empty except for them, with candles at every window and they sat in circle looking at the books opened in front of them. With wary eyes Jasper began to question her.

"_Why are you helping us? Who told you about us? What do you have to gain if you help us?""_

"_Oh, easy tiger,"_ she answered in a squeaky voice, _"I'm just trying to be a good Christian helping my fellows. I'm a sweet person you don't have to mention it."_

Hearing her ironies Jasper became more uncomfortable. Actually he was on edge.

"_I don't think we came here to listen to such stupidities as a vampire who drinks human blood can be a follower of God, so spare us. You said you can help us. Is that true?"_

"_Yes sir. But before I began to tell you what I know I think it will be better for you to show me some respect. Y–"_

"_Don't you even try it,"_ Alice warned her as she took a defensive position shoving aside Jasper's hand. Simultaneously I could see the vision Alice had. The woman was intending to grab Jasper by his collar and bump him on the ground. The three of them changed nervous looks, and then the atmosphere eased slowly. Jasper's doing, of course.

"_I consider it is a good conduct if we introduce each other and by the way Jasper, stop squeezing the table. You'll break it and it's from my grandmother."_

"_Could you get to the point?"_ Alice intervened again as Jasper asked her _"How come you know my name?"_

"_It wasn't hard to find out. Every vampire from this region knows that two American vampires are here on a trip and as I was informed of your name I was informed too about your affairs. You are here–. Oh, I was forgetting again. My name is Misha. I'm Sonya's sister. Unfortunately."_ Ignoring their bewildered expression she went on. _"As I was saying you're here to find her. Could I know why? Not that I really care, but I'd love it if you're here to exterminate her once and for all. It will be an inconceivably precious gift to humanity and me of course."_

Both Jasper and Alice looked stunned, but miraculously they reacted good and in synchronization.

"_If you're her sister then you might be involved too. You obviously know about The Brilliant Ones, right?"_

"_Exactly. The ones she'd run from and the ones that make her hide here today."_

"_We've been sent here by Bobcaygeon." _

"_Awesome. It's fantastic news. Finally, I'll be spared of seeing her filthy face. Finally, she will pay for what she had done. Can I ask you something before I tell you where she is?"_

Alice looked astounded and horrified by what she was hearing, but Jasper seemed to keep his calm and negotiate the problem with his mind rather than his soul.

"_You can ask me, but I can't guarantee you that I'll carry out your request. You see…we don't have much time. We should have come back by know with Sonya."_

"_No, it's nothing to keep you here. Just please promise me. Promise me that when you'll kill her it will be something excruciatingly painful. I'm begging you. And send my regards to dear Bobcaygeon. I hope he's not mad at me too."_

Looking for the first time bothered by Misha's words, Jasper tried to gain his composure and continued in a whisper.

"I see you despise her. May I ask you why?"

In a second she became an erupting volcano. She was uncontrollable, ready to kill if that was possible, but Jasper let her lethargic immediately.

"Calm down," he commanded.

It took her some minutes to get a grip on herself, but she did it.

"_I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted like that. It has passed so long since I thought about it. How can I explain to you so you can understand what she'd done to me? Hmm… In a few words she killed the one being I'd ever loved. She drank from him without caring about my devastated heart. She killed him just for satisfying her filthy, disgusting thirst. She's the most repulsive creature that lives in this world. I hadn't killed her myself then because he begged me on his last breath to not forget who I was. To not forget him and that he'll always love me, no matter where he will be. So I haven't killed her as you see, but I prayed every day of my existence for her end to come. It looks like finally it is here."_

"_So why didn't you turn her in?" _She growled then answered.

"_Because of the same reason."_

Alice moved closer to me as she began to speak to me again. She already knew that I hated that Sonya too.

"Don't let her words fool you. She was grieved by her loss, but I assure you Sonya is not like this. She is truly repented of what she has done."

"Alice," I cut in again, surprised that I still was by her side, "You haven't mentioned Bella's name, not even once."

"I didn't. So we went and found Sonya and she was terrified, but soon we made her understand that we were not really sent by Bobcaygeon and after many attempts to convince her she gave in and came with us. She told us how her gift works and is better than I could have imagined. It's perfect, unbelievably flawless. She's able to make everyone hear what she wants with every voice she wants, at any time she want, no matter the distance or how close she is to that person. We tried it, just to make sure, on Esme, and she heard everything I told her…well Sonya told her for me. Sonya said she has to focus exclusively on the person that send the message and that's it. Message sent."

"Nice Alice. Very nice. Could you now explain why you made me come here?"

"Oh, don't tell me you haven't realized by now. What Sonya can do it's perfect. She can help you. She can keep you close to Bella and Bella close to you. She agreed to send for you any message you want. In fact, she's very thankful we accepted to take care of her, to hide her from Bobcaygeon and the others."

"But I don't want to do that. I can't do it," I said even if every part of me was longing to do it. The emotions rushed through me at full speed. That was the only solution that could ease my pain and still I knew I had to reject it. But how? How was I going to reject it when I wanted so bad to have her close. Of course I couldn't have her in my arms, but at least I could make her hear me. I was on the point of breaking my promise and I was happy.

"I think you want to, Edward," she said and she was definitely right.

"I promised that I won't interfere in her life again."

"You won't. You'll speak to her when it will be necessarily. You left, but you still love her and care for her so you'll want to protect her. Don't tell me that she won't be in any other dangers just for the fact you are not there. She will and you'll be able to save her, Edward. Beside…you'll feel better. I'm sure you'll be."

"I don't know. I have to think it through."

"That's what I wanted to hear," she shouted and big grin was spreading on her face. I wasn't in the mood to respond to that. It was too much for me.

She raised me on my feet and then she took my hand as we were flying through the trees.


	7. Sonya

**I don't know why, but I really like this chapter. It was so easy to create Sonya's story. It was almost like I was speaking about my past. Everything flowed in the right order. I have to say that initially Sonya didn't exist and her role was assigned to Tanya, but I realized I wanted something more for the story. So I found Sonya and now I feel like she's my little sister. I know I sound crazy, but reading again this chapter makes me love her more. I hope it will not occur to me a crazy idea to make a tragic end for her, because I want to keep her for the chapters to come.**

**Chapter 7: Sonya**

I let myself be steered by her toward the house, but I felt it deep inside me how hard it would be to see my family again. Alice said I'd been away for almost four months, a period that could have passed unnoticed for a vampire, but that certainly was not the case for my family. Time passes even when you think you will not see the run rising again; even when the breath is knocked out of you and every reason is lost. It passes for everyone, but for me its passing has left unforgettable scratches in my empty chest…wounds that would always be etched in my mind.

I was already debating whether I should leave or listen to Alice and go back to them. I could tell she saw my intentions. Sometimes I wondered if she could read minds or if her visions had gotten more accurate. She turned her head away from me when she spoke.

"You're ridiculous. You know everyone wants you back. You shouldn't even have thought about that or feel like that. How in the world do you imagine that we'll reject you? You don't know anything," she finished with a disappointed expression upon her face.

"Tell me, what should I know?"

"That we missed you like hell, that I couldn't live a day without you." She stopped and threw herself in my arms. I was overwhelmed by her immeasurable love. "That I don't want you to leave again. I'm not sure if I could handle it again."

I had no weapons to fight with that.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Fine then," she said as she tried to smile, but she didn't fool me. My words hadn't convinced her.

As we got closer I caught her scent. It hit me powerfully and my nostrils were filled with it. It was too sweet for me and I didn't like it. I tried to assure myself that I wasn't prejudiced, but I wasn't too sure about it. Still I didn't expect to be very opened toward her. I was tense already.

"She's a nice person, you know? And she's nervous too. She said she isn't sure if you'll accept her."

"Then she's right," I said bitterly, but she rolled her eyes and ignored me. "You'll like her more after you hear her story in her own words. Sometimes not anything is like it appears."

"Alice, you're talking like I've made my decision already. I don't know if I'll ever do this." As much as I tried to hide it and still my voice was imprinted with a desperately craving to see my Bella. Just once. I shook my head, annoyed by my desires, but the possibility was right there in front of me and the temptation was stronger than anything I'd felt in the last months.

It would have been so easy to do it, to accept Alice's solution. Just the thought made my dead heart flutter in my chest. It would have been so healing to know Bella safe and most of all to know that I was in her mind, that she hadn't forgotten me. The conflict between my feelings was devastating, increasing my pain in every second. I'd promised her I won't interfere in her life again, then why did I have the necessity to know that she hadn't forgotten our love? And still I wanted her to forget. I wanted her to be happy, even if her happiness meant my torment and my funeral.

"Edward, behave!" I heard Alice whispering in my ear. Just then I realized that I'd stopped in the middle of the road, unmoving like a stone. I was stiff and worried and my pain couldn't be hidden. Seeing myself in Alice's head and understanding her command I realized she misinterpreted my posture. She'd thought I was going to attack that woman or something.

"I'll be good," I guaranteed her as I began to walk again. I had to change my features in a peaceful expression before I entered the house. It was my obligation to spare them from suffering.

"Are you ready?" she asked as the house came into view. I wasn't. Of course I wasn't.

"I don't think so," I answered her truthfully.

We approached slowly at a human pace trying to catch every sound from the house. But it wasn't any. If it hadn't been for their smells I would have believed the house was empty. From all their minds, Esme's stood out. She was so happy, ecstatic even. It was difficult to believe how much she loved me despite my imperfections…despite how much I'd hurt her. Angels couldn't love like her. Angels should worship her, kneel at her sight.

With a strange kind of fear in my heart I made myself go into the house with Alice by my side. I moved slowly, looking at the ground. When I heard a sight my head snapped up and then everything was blank.

I knew I couldn't be unconscious. My nature didn't allow such advantages. Yet, I couldn't realize what was happening. Something around me moved constantly or flew, I couldn't tell exactly. And there were voices, many voices, all of them agitated, drown by violently sobs. I was somehow disconnected from everything, but how was this possible?

My senses were numb, my mind was the captive of a strange shock and I couldn't move or speak. Everything around me was a haze. I couldn't understand what the voices were saying or see the people speaking. I was wrapped up into an overpowering mist that was carrying me into nothingness.

Not knowing what was really happening to me I let myself dragged in that nothingness as my pain was stolen by an excruciatingly beautiful angel. I was petrified. I couldn't do anything except for looking at that delicate angel that was flying in front of me with her hands outstretched waiting for me.

I wanted so much to be able to lift up and run to her, to fly away with her and leave all my pain behind, but I couldn't move. The numbness became anger. What was happening to me?

I tried to relax, but I didn't know if I was succeeding in it. The world was far away from me and still worried voices were echoing in my ears. I tried to come back to reality. Nothing. I waited knowing in every second that I couldn't be unconscious. Something like that was not possible for me.

My angel was beside me caressing my cheeks with her warm hands when suddenly she disappeared leaving me alone as I'd left her alone four months ago.

The reality came to me in shockingly agonizing waves. Everything was back, intensified by the pressure of my ache. I tried to breathe and unfortunately I could. I wanted that sensation back, even if I didn't know its source. It had been better than this.

"He's back," I heard Alice saying and then Carlisle slowly shook my head.

"Edward, son, are you alright? Can you hear me?" I moved my eyes down to his face. He seemed relieved but worried still. "Are you in pain?" _Yes. _"Are you in physical pain?" he corrected himself.

"No," I answered flatly. "What happened?" I was as bowled over as they were.

"You froze in place. You seemed like you weren't connected to the world for a minute. You were just staring straight ahead. Are you sure you feel alright?"

"Yeah, I'm…I'm fine."

Regaining my ability to move I tried to shift in place and then I took notice of Esme embracing me. I returned the hug. She was so fragile and lovely, like the mother I couldn't remember.

"Dude, if you'll ever leave like this, I'll hunt you and wrestle you down like a fuming grizzly." Turning my head toward the door I saw Emmett walking to us with Jasper behind him. They both clasped me and they were all happy I was back, even Rose.

"I was waiting for you," she said as she moved toward me. She threw her hands over my shoulders and kissed my cheek. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I shouldn't have ever said that, I'm really sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry, Rose." I tried to smile and their minds confirmed me that my attempt wasn't so pathetic.

There was no point in having a conversation in which everyone welcomed me back so we got immediately to the point. Sonya was somewhere in the house, I could smell her, but she wasn't moving or breathing. She was just waiting.

"Alice told me everything," I began, but she cut in.

"No, that wasn't everything. I think Sonya wants to tell you her story in her own words. As I told you, the story is a little bit different from what Misha told us. Your opinion about Sonya will change after you listen to her. Now, if you're ready she can come here." As she said the words, she looked at every one of us and then her eyes lingered on me. I didn't know if I was really in control of myself, but after all Sonya wasn't my enemy. She was just a stranger with whom I had yet to decide if I wanted to come in contact. I closed my eyes for a moment concluding that keeping my mouth shut it will be the best way to go. I sat on the sofa between Esme and Emmett, who was holding Rosalie in his lap, as Carlisle sat in the armchair and Jasper behind me. Alice flew up on the stairs and in a second I could hear her timid knock on the door.

"Can I come in?" she asked respectfully. A musical sound answered her. It was too lovely not to like it.

"Please," she said. I could distinguish shyness in her voice, but I could definitely not believe she was shy. I hadn't imagined her like that. I saw her more like the most heartless and spiteful being on earth. Like a total malicious person. And all that faded away as I heard her voice.

The door closed behind Alice, but that didn't stop me to hear their conversation.

"He's here and he would like to see you. I've told him almost everything, but of course he needs to hear it from you too."

"I'm not sure…I know I'm rather silly right now, but do you think this is the right moment? Maybe he needs to be alone for a while, then…"

"Sonya, you're way too nervous. He won't bite you. He might be a little reluctant at first, but I can assure you in a few days you'll get along just fine. I even dare to say that you'll impress him in a good way and usually I don't make mistakes in my presumptions."

"If you say so, then be it."

I couldn't believe my ears, she was really nervous like Alice had said, but I couldn't understand why. Most certainly I wouldn't have harmed her. I wasn't that unbalanced.

Light paces came closer to us and I waited, my eyes glued to the ground. As the last stair was descended Alice cleared her throat and slowly with attention I lifted my head to face her. I couldn't say a word as Carlisle invited her to take a sit and Alice moved along with her sitting beside her.

She was so beautiful sitting there with an innocent expression upon her face. You could have thought she was the most naïve person on earth. Her eyes inspected my face as she was clenching and unclenching her fingers in her lap. We stayed in silence as we both scrutinized each other. She was of Alice's stature with chestnut hair and beautiful features. She assembled more the Russian type of woman. Her white skin seemed so easily broken; her entire body looked so fragile despite the fact that I knew how strong it was. My eyes moved up and down on her body until I've finally met her eyes. She had deep crimson irises. Instantaneously my body tensed and Jasper felt it.

"_Relax…it's fine,"_ he thought.

What were we exactly doing here? Why was I supposed to talk to her? My mind closed again just for a second but it bothered me nonetheless. I couldn't take my eyes off of her and not because she represented something special for me, but because I saw in her some kind of danger. Was I going insane or seeing dangers in everything became my favorite pastime?

"Sonya, I want you to meet my son, Edward," Carlisle introduced us and reflexively like an old gentleman, I lifted approaching her to shake her hand. She held out her hand looking me in the eyes. "Edward, she is Sonya." What should I have said? _'Nice to meet you?'_ It wasn't that nice.

"I'm glad to see you," I said, surprising myself how believing I'd sounded.

"Me too," she replied with that tone of fear in her voice.

"I usually don't bite," I said as I sat between Esme and Emmett again. Jasper and Emmett chuckled silently and Alice gave Sonya an encouragingly smile.

"You're free to speak, Sonya," Alice announced her. "You can tell him your story like it really happened." They changed significant looks and finally Sonya made herself speak.

"I don't want to change the opinion of any of you or try to make you feel sorry for what had happened. I'm so grateful for the help all of you are offering me and this is the least I can do. Before I began please try to understand that this had happened in my first years of being a vampire. I almost don't remember it. Everything was like a dark haze that was weighing on me with all its force. In many of my actions I was ruled by the instincts of my new nature." I nodded to assure her that I could understand that part so she went on.

"I was born on 16th July 1856 in Louisiana and you can say I was fortunate to belong to a reach family. I was the youngest child of the family and sometimes that position bothered me because I was the one that had to follow mom's orders. Most of the time I was alone, not being able to become friends with my sister, so usually I enjoyed the company of our servants, having many loyal friends at the age of ten. I don't remember much about that period, just that all my family had been affected by the war, our cotton fields destroyed, and I've suffered a strange kind of shock that has never disappeared completely."

"I can say I've never been a teenager. The times made me become an adult at an age most children were still playing innocent games. My first nineteen years of existence have been meaningless, just a time of waiting. At that age in those times I was already considered old, but I couldn't feel like that."

"I kept on rejecting the advances of the men surrounding me, waiting for someone that could truly warm my heart and somehow I felt that I would never find him, but he came into my life like a tornado and that was the moment when my solitude ended, when my life took a totally different course. As I was falling in love with him, I became another person and that was something even Misha noticed. She didn't like it. She has always disapproved of my comportment. I wasn't happy with the fact that she kept on opposing to my joy, but it didn't matter that much anymore."

"What was important to me was that I absolutely loved him and I could feel his adoration for me. My sphere of happiness was from another world, almost illegal to those times, so when he proposed me in that beautiful morning I felt like the sun was brighter than ever before and that I could fly with him."

"'_Yes' _I repeated to him over and over again as I saw a huge smile spreading on his face. He'd asked me first even if the tradition said that my father was the once to decide. None of us cared about that."

"To our immeasurable bliss he accepted as Brian was considered a good match for me and I was looking forward to becoming Mrs. Wilson. I felt like a princess and he was my charming prince. My heart, my entire being was his and I didn't care at all about anyone else. I could feel their envy burning on my back, but it was nothing that could affect my magical world. As happy as I was, I couldn't think of anything that could darken my life."

"I couldn't picture fatalities in my destiny…our destinies. However that was until late 1877. I became a vampire in a cold night as all my dreams faded away. It was a beautiful night with stars on the sky and the cold air was nothing compared to the warmth my fiancé and I emanated. We were so happy and thankful to God for our fate. Not many people in that period could say they were marrying for love. We were ones of the few and we truly loved each other. I couldn't breathe without him and I knew in my heart that he felt the same. I didn't doubt his love not even for a second. Maybe I was overconfident or self-conceited, but that is how I felt. He was my universe and every minute with him was a blessing. My mother used to tell me I'd waited too long to marry, but my rebellious mind had never agreed. For me the age of 21 was perfect for walking down the aisle."

"After we got engaged my parents allowed us some intimacy, but of course it wasn't enough. It was far from that. So every night at 8p.m. he would have appeared on my door and I detested when the servants were getting to the door ahead of me. I loved to open the door for him, to invite him to wait for me in the living room as I finished making myself pretty for him. I could tell he was delighted every time when he saw me opening the door for him and I was happy for that."

"In that night I was the first to hear his knocks on the door and the first to get to him. I told him as usual to make himself comfortable as he waited for me."

'_I won't stay long, my love. Wait for me."_ I told him radiating with love.

'_I'm always here for you, my sweet angel,"_ he told me as he pressed his lips on my burning cheek.

I run to my dormitory screaming for Kendra to come and help me and she came immediately. She was my best friend and it was hard for me to know that I was like a master for her. I loved her like a sister. Behind her with an arrogant expression on her face came Misha, chuckling sarcastically.

'_So you too are going for a walk again?'_ she asked me and I couldn't understand her tone. Sometimes I believed she was jealous of me, but why? She was as pretty as I was, even more. She could have had anyone she wanted. The problem was that she didn't want any of the men that kept on courting her. But even if she was insupportable sometimes I loved her. She was my only sister and in those times I couldn't hold anything but love in my heart.

'_We are going for a walk, yes. Are you thinking of accompanying us?'_

'_No, of course not,'_ she answered somehow irritated by my allusion that she might want someone to love of her own. _'I was just hoping that you've realized how wrong it is for a young woman to walk alone with a man. Especially at night. But it seems you forgot your family and its reputation.'_

'_For the name of God, why is it so wrong? We love each other. We are about to get married in a couple of days. Besides I have my principles and he respects me. He would never do anything I don't want him to do.'_

'_I don't care what principles you have or how much he respects you. I care about the fact that everyone is speaking about this.'_

'_It's not illegal. Mom and dad have given their permissions. I think it's enough'_

"She looked at me as I rose to my feet and walked to the door. She knew she couldn't separate me from my loved one for too long. I left her fuming behind me, knowing that I will find peace in the arms of my beloved. I went downstairs flying, but I remained fearful at the foot of the stairs. My father was talking to Brian. Why? What was happening? I quickly panicked and I almost began to cry as he caught my eye and smiled. He motioned for me to go to him and my father noticing my presence turned his head toward me."

'_Sweetheart," _he said,_ "I was just telling Brian you two should stay home tonight. Some friends will come over and it will be a good opportunity for you to meet them.'_

"I was relieved. He was not going to prohibit us to have a time for only the two of us. I was cheerful again, even if I had to decline his invitation. I hoped Brian had made the same."

'_I'm sorry, dad. I'm really sorry, but you have to understand I haven't seen him since last night and I'm dying to have him only for me. I'm too selfish at the moment to let others have the pleasure of seeing his face.'_

'_Both of you are selfish then,"_ he said as he tried to show me that I'd hurt his feelings. He was so funny when he was doing that. No one believed him.

'_We are honored for the invitation,'_ Brian let him know and I melted at every word he said. _'Maybe we'll return in time to have a nice chat with your guests.'_

'_It will be wonderful.'_

"But we weren't going to return and refusing my father's invitation was my greatest mistake. If only I had restrained my desire to be alone with him, maybe now I would have been in Heaven by his side, far from this world."

"We took the same road as always, going to the lake. It was my favorite place to be with him. So peaceful and picturesque. It was perfect for our love. He held my hand as we moved slowly absorbing each second of that time. From time to time I would have brushed my fingers over his lips and he would have kissed me softly. I was overwhelmed by that happiness. I couldn't imagine that something could destroy it and that something was lurking in the dark so close to us."

'_Do you love me?'_ he suddenly asked. I couldn't hide my surprise.

'_Of course, I do. Why would you doubt that?_' He didn't answer. He lifted me from the ground encircling his arms around my waist and kissing me passionately. I didn't stop him. I couldn't even if I wanted and I didn't want him to stop. I pressed his face closer to mine and I felt complete. He was my life and he was mine entirely.

'_I do not doubt it, my love. I just wanted to hear it.'_

'_It's fine then,' _I said, smiling as I kissed him again.

"We reached our destination like we were in a dream and we sat on the same rock as we did the other nights. I lay in his arms watching the stars sparkling on the sky and hearing his even breath. It was paradise for me."

'_Do you know what I want to do after you become my wife?'_

'_What?'_ I inquired laughing.

'_I want to make you the happiest woman alive. And I want to have children as beautiful as you are.'_

"What could I have answered to that? All I managed to say was _'I love you'_ and it was the purest truth."

'_I want you forever and never to have to let you go.'_

'_So do I,'_ I answered and these were the last words of love we told each other. Looking back it was exactly like a farewell. A strange voice echoed from the dark and a silhouette approached us.

'_So sweet and moving. It melts my heart.'_

"Automatically Brian raised and he placed himself in front of me, trying to protect me. I was petrified as I watched the man drawing closer to us. Even in that blinding darkness I could distinguish his eyes. They were bloody red."

'_Who are you?'_ he asked and the man came to a halt.

'_I'm the one who will end your life. Ohh…and who is that beautiful girl?'_

'_You won't touch her,'_ he threateningly hissed.

'_Actually I will,'_ she said flashing a terrifying smile, but I couldn't make myself fear for me. My heart was in pain at the thought that Brain could be harmed. _'But you should thank me. I'm too thirsty to play with my food so I'll make it simple. I kill you and then if I'm able I'll change that beautiful creature into an immortal goddess. It would be a waste to kill her too. See? You should really thank me.'_

'_You stay away from her,'_ he shouted and that was his end. The man jumped at his throat taking the life away from him like he was a helpless bird. I didn't even have time to beg for his life. Then, with the blood of my beloved on his lips he turned to me approaching with premeditation as if I would have run if he had moved too fast. I was frozen. All the reasons to live were gone.

"As he prepared to bite me too a voice from behind us called my name. It was Misha and for once I saw concern for me in her eyes. I couldn't blink as fast as the man moved. I felt an agonizing pain in my neck and then I was slipping into unconsciousness, burning as I changed into a vampire."

"When my transformation was completed and I could open my eyes and move my body, I reached out for Brian. He was cold and motionless. He was dead. Beside him stood Misha looking dead too, but the pain I felt wasn't for her. It was all for my angel. And he was stolen from me."

That was the first time Sonya stopped. She was visibly shaken by all this and I could understand her completely.

"Jasper?" I said and he understood what I wanted. I couldn't see her so miserable when I knew how hard was to bear something like that.

"No, please," she refused. "Don't do it. I can handle it."

We waited for her to compose herself and when she was able she continued.

"I could not bear to see his face like that, knowing that he will never speak to me again. And I ran far away from that image, though I could never erase it from my mind and that was a new reason for Misha to hate me. She couldn't conceive the fact that I left my beloved behind, but I couldn't conceive that he was dead."

"Maybe you wonder where our names came from. Well…the mother of our father was Russian and though we had never met her we thought about her. Apparently the Russian character was deeply rooted in our hearts. As I learned what I had become, my fury and my pain hadn't held me back from killing innocent people. I couldn't feel sorry for them. Little by little I was becoming a monster and somehow I despised myself."

"I met others like me and soon some strange things happened to me. It wasn't normal to hear in my head the voices of other people so I got scared. I tried to close my mind but it was in vain. One day, without consciously trying I thought something and the vampire beside me froze in place."

'_What have you said, Sonya?' _he asked bewildered.

'_Nothing,'_ I answered as bewildered as he was. Actually I had said something but that was only in my mind. How could he have heard me?

'_No, you said something. In my mind.'_ he insisted.

'_I don't know what you're talking about, Don"_

'_It was your voice.'_

"In some way I suspected what was happening, but I didn't dare to say it out loud. It would have sounded completely weird and it would have made me more of a freak than I already was. Looking really satisfied with that new revelation he formulated the sentence that made me realize I was gifted."

'_You talked in my head, you're gifted. Try again. Do it again please.'_

"He was so excited I couldn't understand why. Don was the one that helped me develop and define my gift. At first I'd been able to just make people hear my thoughts, but then I realized that with intense concentration I could send messages from other people too. It wasn't much, but it was a gift nevertheless."

"After almost a year I ran into Misha. We both have been shocked to see each other again, but her shock quickly turned to rage. She blamed me for what she had become, but I couldn't feel like it was my fault. I wasn't the one who put her to follow me that night. We stayed together some time and I could tell she wanted me to leave. She was definitely hiding something from me."

"One day I decided to chase her to see what she was keeping from me and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her in the arms of a man. He was human. I don't know why, but I felt betrayed. Despite my own pain and increasing insensibility I knew that what she was doing was totally wrong."

'_You don't want to do this,"_ I told her, but she wouldn't listen to me.

'_I love him. I know what I'm doing.'_

'_No you're not,'_ I insisted. _'If you'll lose control of yourself and kill him, do you have any idea of how you'll feel? If you lose him, do you think you'll be able to go on?'_

'_Oh, shut up. Not everyone has your fate.'_ That was more than I could tolerate so I left that night with the thought to never come back to her.

"I ran as fast as I could further and further away and I stopped in Canada. I met there many vampires and we decided to found a community. There was a group of four that wanted to overthrow The Volturi and the possibilities of doing it were not that reduced. Besides, if we'd failed in our attempts I would have died. I was almost glad about that part."

"That's how I met Victoria, Bobacaygeon, Omemee and Lindsay who was like a wife for Bobcaygeon. Thanks to my gift I became one of the pillars of our society and I was respected, but Victoria was the boss. She was the one who had found the place and cleared it off other vampires so we named our community after her name, _Victoria County_, and we began to establish little towns after our names. At first we'd been ten to create such towns, but not later after we began, another man came to us. We were like a council. None of us could take a decision without the others to approve of it."

"When I saw the face of that new vampire I froze. I couldn't think anymore. Bobcaygeon was telling us how much he appreciated him and how much he will help us. He was gifted too. He could protect an entire vampire army with his shield so that was the advantage of keeping him on our side. I couldn't allow him to be alive. He was the one that took my angel away from me. He was the one that changed me to this miserable nature. He was Eldon, Bobcaygeon's favorite."

"I don't know how I managed not to kill him in that instant. I'd been waiting for a week when I knew it was too much for me. He was alone when I approached him with a terrible smile on my face."

'_So we meet again,'_ I told him without a hint that could have made him see the pain I felt.

'_We do,'_ he agreed. _'And this time we are on the same side. By the way, I must say you are extremely beautiful. I hope to see you often,'_ he said smirking.

'_Too bad,'_ I replied still smiling defiantly. '_Because you won't have another second to live.'_

"As I'd said it I jumped at his throat and without more ado I killed him. I knew it hadn't been as painful as he deserved. Staying there was pure insanity. I knew Bobcaygeon will want to take revenge on this so the instincts of self-preservation made me run far from Ontario. And I ran back to my sister, where I'd promised myself I would never come back. That was my second greatest mistake. "

"I found her in the kitchen with her hands over her nose and in a corner that man she loved curled up into a ball. What had she done? But I couldn't finish my thought or understand the situation that I was already at his throat and he was dead in seconds. I remained lifeless behind his body with Misha's teeth at my own throat. Everything was over for me. I was a real monster. One that should terrify everyone."

"She fought me and I would have let her without objection to kill me. But she didn't do it. She heard the last words of that man _'Don't' forget who you are. Don't forget I will always love you.'_"

"I had no idea what I could do for her to feel better. I knew the agonizing pain that I put her through and I wanted to do everything to stop it, but she rejected my help. She didn't want my regrets. She has never believed me that I was repentant for what I've done and maybe she will never know how sorry I still am. I know she has hated me ever since."

"Understanding that her forgiveness wasn't to be gained I went to Australia and for some unknown reason to me she came there too in the fifties. Maybe the distance eased her pain. I don't know."

"Meanwhile I'd tried a new diet. I'd once loved too and I didn't want to continue to be a monster, to continue to separate people from each other. I tried to feed on animal blood, but the guilt didn't go away and the next time I saw Misha she kept blaming me so I saw no reason in continuing to do that and I gave up. And here I am a monster again. I guess this is the end of the story."

I stood frozen watching Sonya's face. She was composed now like she'd finished talking about someone else, not her, but her mind was as devastated as I felt too. I couldn't have anticipated this. She was a victim of a cruel destiny and she was in pain despite the years that had passed.

Without difficulty I understood every thought she had. As Alice predicted, her story was very different from what Misha had told and I could forgive her that stupid instinct that led her to commit that murder. She was suffering too. How easily I could take compassion on her now. I don't know why, but for a second the intensity of my own pain diminished a little.

Sonya's resigned face was worse than accepting death. She knew that she could never love again and I knew that I would never be able to love someone beside Bella. We were alike and in the same time so different from each other. I still had a chance, whereas for her everything was lost.

As I dropped my gaze to the ground she lifted from her sit to leave.


	8. Consolation

**Chapter 8: Consolation**

"Don't go," I hurried to say and she stopped turning her head to me. She was so sad that the pain she felt was more than evident. I could feel it like my own. I knew that probably she wanted to be alone, but what good would have been for her? None. I knew from my own experience how hard it was to go through something like that. I didn't want to even imagine how it would be when your loved one didn't exist anymore. Just the thought made my insides hurt. It was unacceptable to think like that. Bella must live no matter what. "Stay," I continued and I wanted to tell her anything to ease her pain, but I couldn't find the right words. I just stood straight in front of her watching her features.

"Edward is right," Alice told her. "You don't have to go. We're here to support you."

"And you don't have to feel embarrassed, Sonya. We all understand the situation and what you have been forced to go through. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn't something premeditated. It was just an unlucky impulse of the moment." I could feel the sincerity of Jasper's words. He knew the feeling of killing innocent human beings and the remorse that he felt afterward. He could understand her too.

"I don't know how to thank you for your tolerant attitude and kind thoughts, but I really need a moment alone. I'm not much of a company right now." As she said the last words she looked right into my eyes, pleading to let her go and I couldn't be against her will. Alice tried to stop her from leaving, but I caught her before she could.

"Let her go," I whispered.

We remained in silence after her exit, not risking to speak. I didn't want to disturb her even more. I knew that sometimes silence was a refuge for ache. I continued pacing as I listened to her thoughts. I felt like an intruder as I always did, but I needed to know how she felt. Maybe there was a way to make her feel better. How much I would have given for the pain I felt to be vanished from my soul. It was a necessity to help her, like if I could make her happier I could feel happier too. It didn't make any sense, but that was the feeling pulsing in my body.

She almost couldn't think right. The only thought crossing her mind was the image of Brian lifeless on the ground. I felt miserable knowing that it was my fault. I was the one who forced her to remember. I was the one who considered her a danger and wanted proofs of her trustworthiness. I was on the point of running to her door to beg her forgiveness, to supplicate her to not think anymore about that heart-breaking memory when Tanya entered the room. How easily I'd forgotten where I was. Apparently my isolation made me deal with people a lot harder than usual.

"You're here," she said greeting me with her arms outstretched. _"God, thank you. He's here and he's unharmed. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, Edward…"_ As she embraced me her thoughts were full of kindness toward me and I felt again a little embarrassed by her never-ending love for me.

"Thank you," I told her, expressing my gratitude for her warm welcoming. She smiled her contagious smile. It was nearly strange to interact with people.

"So you spoke with Sonya?"

"Yeah…she told me her story and I think I'll have to apologize for my lack of trust."

"She'll understand. She's a charming creature. I'm very happy we met her."

"Yeah, me too." Alice came by my side rubbing my back with gentle strokes. She knew I felt guilty, but I was right in feeling that way. If only I could have been more convinced about what she already knew, that Sonya was a nice person, I wouldn't have wounded her by reminding such terrible memories.

"Maybe someone should go to talk to her," I said not tolerating anymore the thought that she was alone and suffering.

"I don't think so. She needs a moment alone. You said it by yourself."

"It has passed more than a moment, Alice…"

"Then she needs more moments," she replied exasperated by my concern. "You're getting alarmed too fast. She'll be fine." As she said it she moved away from us inspecting the room. "I've got work to do," she cried trying to sound casual. Tanya muffled a laugh and I wondered why was she so happy to have the house devastated by Alice's caprices.

"Alice is amazing. She's as busy as a bee."

"Mhm… tell me about it. And you are really letting her demolish your house…" She paused looking at me with an amused expression on her face. I could read in her mind that she was pleased that I was able to have a normal conversation.

"Tanya," Alice called for her, "Can you, please, come and help me with these?"

She was redecorating the house which made me feel more embarrassed about the fact that we were invading their privacy and she needed help to change the place of some furniture. Huh. What a good joke. When had she started to need that kind of help? Back home she was a tornado flying through the house and changing the furniture's place at a blink of an eye. I knew she didn't need help. She was just trying to make a normal atmosphere for me.

"Of course," she answered her and then turned to me. "Looks like it. I even help her out."

"Have fun, then."

She flew toward Alice with happiness on her face. She had no objection on the fact that we'd occupied her house for more than four months.

I headed to the sofa to take my sit again as Esme smiled to me and patted my shoulder with maternal love. The silence in the room was broken, but I could still hear Sonya's sobs. It was driving me crazy because I knew perfectly well I couldn't make it better for her. I knew that as hard as I would try, the pain she felt would never go away. Just like mine.

I was drumming my fingers on the arm of the sofa inattentive to my surroundings when Carlisle called my name.

"Edward," he addressed me with wary eyes, "can I have a word with you?"

"Sure," I answered as I rose to me feet to follow him.

We walked in silence until Carlisle thought it was safe to speak and that we won't be heard by the others. His attitude was a little bizarre and his thoughts couldn't make me see what he wanted to tell me.

"I wanted to speak with you about what happened earlier," he murmured, breaking the silence. Obviously there was no need for him to scream so I can hear what he was saying, but still…why was he whispering? Like he was afraid to tell me what he wanted.

"What happened earlier…" I replicated his words, "I don't understand."

"Edward, you have to know that we all are extremely happy that you've returned, but I can tell something it's wrong. It's like you didn't recognize us at first, like something or someone frightened you."

"It's not true. I recognized you and I wasn't frightened by anything." Although I was telling him the truth I knew that something had been wrong with me, that something strange happened with me and I couldn't explain what was or how it occurred. What was even stranger was the need to deny it, to conceal it from Carlisle.

"Fine, maybe this theory it's not the right one. But son, don't try to fool me. You'd been disconnected from the world for a minute. Something like that doesn't happen to us."

"Exactly," I told him trying to delude him.

"And still it happened to you."

He was so sure about what he was saying. I knew he won't stop until he will have the answer to this mysterious event and I felt weaker by the second. I felt the need to speak to someone, to get a part of that pain that was boiling in me off my chest. Carlisle would have been the ideal person to talk to. He would certainly have understood me, but what should I have told him? I didn't know what had happened even if something happened and it had disturbed me, but in the same time was a sensation of relief. I had felt Bella near me for the first time in a long time. Probably it wasn't something good in medical terms, if something like that still applied to me, but if I could have it back, I would eagerly have accepted it.

I was confused, not knowing exactly if I should tell him, but I needed to. I desperately needed a shoulder to cry on. My own necessity surprised me. I hadn't known this part of me or if I could let my feelings flow out from me. I had been working for a century to keep them invisible to others. Now it was hard to open my heart, but I'd done it with Bella, why not doing it with Carlisle too?

"I don't know what was going on with me," I began as Carlisle was watching every move I made, "I heard Esme's sobs and then I saw her face and that was the end. A sphere of light hit and it was so bright I couldn't resist. I knew in every second that I couldn't be unconscious, that something like that couldn't occur to a vampire, but still it was impossible for me to understand what was happening around me. Everything was a blur. I could only hear noises, feel anxious movements around me, but nothing was clear. And then I saw _her_. Or at least I imagined I could see _her_. She was standing right beside me smiling at me and caressing my cheeks. It was so pleasant to be able to have some kind of contact with her. I almost didn't want to come back. I wanted to keep that moment with Bella, but I couldn't. The sensation left me as fast as it came and all my senses have been intensified for a second. Then, I could hear Alice's voice, I could feel you shaking my head. Everything was normal. And it happened once more after Alice and Sonya entered the room, just for a second I couldn't see or feel anything."

Carlisle kept his eyes on me as a whirl of thoughts marched into his mind. Either of us couldn't say anything. It was too strange to say something, but now, after I'd told him everything, I needed to know what he thought too. What was happening to me? Finally, that pain that was increasing in every second seized me and drove me insane? Probably. I wouldn't have been surprised if he came to this conclusion.

"This is something I've never heard of," Carlisle finally spoke. "It's strange. Very strange." He looked frustrated that he couldn't give me a diagnostic, but after all it wasn't his fault. I was a rare type of miserable and monstrous being. Why on earth should exist a diagnostic for me? "The only thing that seems likely in this case is your lack of interaction with people in the last months. But I don't think that's the cause. Nomads don't interact with people for ages if they can't avoid it."

"Except of their preys," I added.

"Yeah, except of their preys, but that can't be considered an interaction. Of course for you is totally different. Maybe that was how you protected your mind. Maybe an internal security system closed your mind for protecting you. But I don't know why."

Looking at him I understood that he couldn't see what had happened to me like something good, but for me it was an enigma and still I wanted that sensation back.

"If only I could have it back," I said not helping myself.

"No, Edward," he retorted furious. "That cannot happen again. It's something that we don't know about. We don't know how it works or what the cause is. You have to promise me you won't make anything that could bring that _sensation_ back to you."

_We don't know how it works…we don't know how it works…_

His words remained in my mind smothering my brain. It was something that we hadn't thought about. It was something that couldn't be true and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be true or not.

"Carlisle," I said, "would it be possible to be the beginning of a new ability? A gift?"

"No," he answered too quickly and my hopes were crumbled again. Somehow I dreamed of that to be true. Maybe that would have been a possibility for me to have Bella close. "I don't think it would have surfaced after all this time. Usually a gift is seen immediately after the transformation, not a century after that. I can't tell for sure, but taking in account your strange disconnection it can be anything."

A sort of disappointment filled my heart and the memory of Sonya's saddened face came back to me. I had to talk to her.

"Maybe it's nothing," I concluded, but Carlisle wasn't thinking the same. He made plans to investigate my case, to find an answer. "You don't have to bother yourself for this. Maybe it's nothing or my mind was trying to protect itself as you said."

"Edward, you have to promise me you won't try to bring that back or if it will happen again you'll tell me."

"I promise," I responded as we turned toward the house. We walked at a normal pace and for some minutes it was silence. Carlisle was more than a father for me and he always knew when something was wrong with me. Sometimes I didn't get it how he knew my thoughts, but in the long run I realized that it must have been another sense of his.

"Something is bothering you," he said and it wasn't a question.

"I think I should talk to Sonya. I doubted her credibility and I'm sorry I made her remember those memories. I think it's my duty to apologize." He looked at me for a moment, his lips forming a gentle smile, before he spoke again.

"I'm glad you understand and accept her."

"Could it have been different?"

"I guess not," he said patting my back and then just whispered to me "Go!" and I was flying toward the house.

As I entered the living room I found Tanya, Alice and Rosalie working on their project to redecorate the house and I was grateful that they didn't stop me. I went upstairs and led by her scent I quickly found her room. It was right beside Alice and Jasper's room. I stopped for an instant not knowing how to begin or how to apologize and realizing that she had probably felt me by then I knocked on the door. She almost touched the ground as she approached the door to open it for me.

"Hi," she saluted me and I was shocked by her appearance. She was not devastated and broken beyond repair as I expected, but smiling and looking cheerful. I felt dazed by this sudden change of emotions and I looked deeper in her eyes. How could this be possible? How could I have believed, even for a second, that she was really cheerful? She was not. The sorrow was like a shadow within her eyes.

"Can I speak to you for a moment," I finally managed to ask her. She opened wide the door for me, but she looked surprised by my question and her thoughts confirmed that.

"_He was supposed to be mad at me, to hate me. Why is he doing this?"_

"Because I'm sorry I've distrusted you," I answered her thought and she looked even more surprised. "Would you go for a walk with me?" I requested before she could invite me to come in. The only room of a woman, beside my sisters', in which I'd set foot on was Bella's room and I wanted to keep it that way.

"Yeah," she accepted as she shook her head, but her thoughts didn't leave her mind. She was evidently confused by my behavior.

As we descended the stairs no one seemed to be aware of our presence, but they all were happy because of my decision, especially Alice who already knew the ending of our conversation. She was flying around the room. I opened the door for Sonya indicating the way, then I followed her. As Carlisle had done earlier I didn't speak until I was sure that no one could hear us.

We stopped near a frozen lake and I knew I should begin to speak, but still I wasn't entirely sure that I could find the right words. She sat down on a stone with her hands in her lap looking in the distance. When the silence became disturbing she broke it.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" I was caught by surprise and I needed a second to realize what she was talking about. "The view…it's beautiful," she said more explicitly.

"Yeah, it is. Too cold, though…"

"You're right. And we will probably freeze considering the fact that we wear just a t-shirt and a pair of jeans." Who would have foreseen that Sonya would be able to make me smile? Not me, for sure. I was amazed how well she was hiding her feelings. "Why don't you sit? It gives you another angle to admire the scenery." I did as she said and I looked where she was looking. If you wouldn't have known you would have said that we were old friends enjoying the day. I turned my head to see her face and she was still looking in the distance like she expected someone to come to her.

"I think I have some apologizes to make," I said and instantaneously her eyes found mine. They were warm and understanding.

"And I think you don't have to make anything," she said smiling with kindness.

"But I want to…"

"Really, Edward…" As she pronounced my name her eyes moved down looking to the ground like she was ashamed of saying my name. "You don't have to apologize for anything. It's nothing, really…"

"Yes, I have and I want to apologize because I doubted you. It's something I don't normally do, but with you was different and I'm sorry for that. I usually have an inside of people's mind, but this time I haven't waited to know you, I've just judged you and it wasn't fair. And most of all, I'm sorry I've made you remember. You don't have any idea how regretful I am." I waited for her to say something and as she spoke the smile on her face didn't disappear.

"You don't have to be sorry about that. It's something I'll always remember so saying it out loud didn't hurt me more. It's almost like I grew immune as time went on.

"That doesn't make me less culpable."

"So that's it. You feel some kind of guilt, right? I think we should make a deal. You quit saying 'I'm sorry' and I'll continue to speak with you."

"But I am sorry," I tried to make her understand. It seemed like it was something funny for her, but I knew it wasn't. She was too nice and I didn't deserve it.

"Fine then. I'll forgive you, even if it's nothing to forgive, if that makes you feel better." I looked a long time at her before I spoke again.

"I'm really sorry. I should never have distrusted you."

"Yeah, I know," she answered with a serious face.

We remained in silence looking again in the distance and I was surprised by how easily I could speak with Sonya. I found no efforts in talking to her. It was normal, like breathing in and out.

"You're incredible, you know?"

"What?" she asked confused by my sudden interruption.

"You're amazing how you're handling all of this. I wish I could be like you."

"You can't be like me because you have a chance that I see you persist in rejecting it and as long as you'll know she is there somewhere you'll dream about being with her. You'll always want to be with her no matter how hard you'll try to forget."

"The point is that I'm not trying to forget. I don't want to forget."

"See…that makes it more difficult. Because you love her."

It was astonishing how well she understood me. It felt like she had been inside me and felt every of my emotions.

"Are you sure you can't read minds or emotions?" I asked her with a little smile on my lips.

"Mmm…no. I think you are the mind reader and Jasper is the emotions reader. I'm the one with the messages' delivery."

We looked at each other amazed by how well we understood each other. It was like I'd found an old missing friend.

"I hope it will work," she said with a dreamy air in her eyes and the reality flood back in my mind. She was here because Alice thought she could help me communicating with Bella or at least to have a connection.

"I don't know," I responded, still insecure about the idea and for the first time she looked wounded by my answer. "No, don't get me wrong," I tried to repair my mistake. "It's not because I doubt you, it's because I doubt it will work on Bella. See…I wasn't able to read her mind, and your gift I think it works like mine does too. It manipulates the mind so I'm almost sure it won't work on Bella."

"Almost," she repeated with a thoughtful voice. "You don't know for sure but you hope it will work. You want this to work, why are you denying it?"

"Because I promised her I won't interfere in her life." I was on the point of collapsing and I didn't want to do it in front of her, but I was so close to fall again in that solitary abyss.

"But do you think this is the best solution? Do you think this is best for her?"

"She's safe."

"But is she happy?" I couldn't answer that. I wanted her to be happy. Of course I wanted that. But in the same time I wanted her to love me. "Because I can see you're miserable," she continued. "I won't try to make you change your decision, but why not to try this? At least it will make you feel better."

I knew she was right and I wanted so desperately to listen to her.

"And what if she forgot me like I intended for her to do?" I couldn't suppress the pain that was stinging in my chest and she noticed immediately.

"That's something Alice will be able to tell us, but I can bet she's still thinking about you. Besides, Alice had a good idea. You don't have to do this daily. Just when she really needs. It can be a way to protect her. "

I stood beside her processing the information. Would it have been so wrong to do it? Maybe she would never receive the message or maybe like Alice and Sonya had said, it was a way to keep protecting her. As I thought about that I felt a breath of life arising in me and taking away the haze off my eyes. I had to thrust my fingers deep in the ground to remain on my place and Sonya remarked my unexpected behavior. She put her hand on my back patting me with supportive touches and said nothing. I wanted so bad to have Bella in my arms, but I knew again that it was impossible.

The flames inside me were burning the last breath I had and I couldn't fight back for much longer the need to make something to have Bella in me.

"Sonya?" I asked, "how does it really work? Your gift."

"Well, it's probably like you said. Manipulates the mind. It's pretty simple. If I want to send a message I focus on my thoughts or the thoughts of the person who wants to send the message and the person who has to receive the message. For example, you tell me something to send and you want that message to be delivered three days from now. Don't ask me how I can send a message days later after was said because I can't explain it even to myself. And once the message has been heard by the person I intended I know about it. It's like an electric current pulsing in me for some minutes."

"But, what if you don't know the person to whom you send the message?

"It doesn't matter, she'll still receive it."

"Interesting," I said not finding other words to appreciate this unique gift. It was something that I'd never seen before.

"We can try it on you if you want," she offered smiling.

"Hmm…I don't think it will work in such close proximity considering that I'm already hearing your thoughts."

"Oh," she sighed surprised like I'd confirmed her I was invading her privacy.

"I'm sorry," I tried to apologize, "it's not something I can get rid of and as hard as I'm trying I can block the thoughts surrounding me out."

"I understand," she replied amused. _"It has to be really exciting to read minds," _she thought.

"Or really uncomfortable and even infuriating sometimes. But it's something I wouldn't give up if I would be forced to."

"And how does it work?"

"It's pretty simple," I quoted her. "I can hear every thought in a radius of three or four miles and as I know or care more about a person I can hear the thoughts of that person on a larger area."

"Alice said you can hear just what a person is thinking in that moment…"

"True."

She remained thoughtful for a moment remembering our meeting earlier today, remembering that she had been afraid of me and realizing that she was wrong and what impressed me most of all was her constant thought to help me. I had so many questions for her and I felt like I was running out of time.

"If I would have been able to hear every thought you'd ever had I wouldn't have put you through that. I wouldn't have made you remember."

"Hey, we made a deal, remember?" she surprised me again with her attitude. It seemed like it was easy for her to hide what she was feeling, but I knew how hard it might have been and I didn't want to remember her more about that.

"Yeah," I acknowledged as I scrutinized her face. "Can I ask you something?" I whispered after a few seconds.

"Of course, what is it?"

"Why have you been afraid of me?" I could tell the question took her by surprise and she had to tell me the truth, not that I wouldn't have found out from her thoughts.

"I was afraid you'll bite me," she joked delaying her answer. "I wasn't physically afraid of you," she began serious. "I was more afraid of the fact that you'll despise me like Misha does, like almost everyone does. I found in your family something that I've lost centuries ago and I was afraid that I'd be forced to leave. Around you I can feel human again and I didn't want to lose that."

"I'm sorry I made you feel like that."

"Oh, Edward. The deal…" she said trying to sound furious, but she wasn't. She was more relieved that I'd accepted her and ashamed that she pronounced my name again. It was the second time she had said it and it sounded so familiar.

"Yeah, right. The deal." I remembered. It was socking to be able to smile, even a little. "Anyway Alice wouldn't have permitted you to leave. If I'd had the disastrous thought of making you leave she would have cut me into pieces first." She laughed and I smiled back at her. "Can I ask you another question," I inquired serious again.

"Yeah."

"Why do you want to help me?" she became serious too, studying my face to find a sign showing that I already knew the answer. But I didn't. Her mind was blank.

"Is it not obvious? It's a necessity for me to help you because I still believe in love and you adore her. Why not to do this little thing? No one helped me when I needed and now if I can help you, of course I'm going to do it. Besides I think is a way for me to feel less guilty for what I've done."

"Thank you," I responded overwhelmed by her sincerity.

It had passed four months of torment and now I had a chance to smile again, like Alice had promised. My wounds were bleeding but not cutting deeper into me anymore. I was alone, without my beloved, but I'd found someone else to understand my feelings and to my astonishment it was lessening my pain. I couldn't see the sun, like I'd known I wouldn't see it without Bella, but I could see life surrounding me.

I closed my eyes and her beautiful face came beyond my lids. I loved her farther than anyone could have imagined and I needed her. I breathed as I opened my eyes to admit that something in me had changed in the past hours. I felt hope at the thought that I could protect Bella even if I was away from her.

I was sitting near Sonya, but my mind was far away in the arms of my only reason to live. Bella's bed was warm as always and she was curled up at my side with her hand caressing my cheeks like she'd done million times. As I watched her angelic face she was drifting into a profound sleep and I was there beside her for the entire night. From time to time she would have moaned my name and I would have felt like my heart could beat again. Her voice, her scent, her everything were imprinted in my soul for eternity. The memory of Bella in my arms was so powerful like an antidote to my anguish.

I was so engulfed in that memory that I froze in place when Sonya's head snapped in the direction from where we'd come. Instantaneously I crouched ready to attack and I froze again when I saw the silhouette approaching us like a bullet.

"What's wrong, Alice?" I asked as I drew myself up.

She was gasping for air even if she didn't need it. Her face looked confused and her whole body was quivering like an earthquake. She looked at me and then at Sonya and I felt the need to take her in my arms. She looked like she was going to fall down on the ground.

"Calm down, Alice. What's going on?" She couldn't speak. I was almost afraid that she was in shock. Immediately my thoughts went to my family. Had they been harmed? The waiting was beyond torture.

"Alice," Sonya tried to deal with her and Alice's eyes flew to her face. She looked like she was pleading for something that I couldn't comprehend.

"Dear, are you alright? Is it something wrong?"

Of course it was something wrong. It was more than that. Alice had never reacted like that. I felt like the ground was melting beneath my feet. I take her head in my hands and I begged for her to tell me what was going on. Why on earth was she blocking me out from her mind?

Her eyes were fixed far in the distance and after my own shock of seeing her in that condition faded away I realized that she had had a vision. I composed my face even if every part of me was petrified and afraid of the answer that I was going to hear.

"What have you seen, Alice?" she sobbed and the thought invaded her mind. _"Bella"_

"BELLA," she finally cried with desperation in her voice.

I let her go and that strange unconsciousness swallowed me up again.


	9. Connection

**This chapter and this story exist because the first time I've read New Moon my desperate desire for Edward to come back made me believe that he was really speaking to Bella and even when I realized that my assumptions had been wrong I still wanted that to be true so this is the result of my imagination. Little by little I'll put Edward out of his misery because I love him too much to see him in pain**** and I hope to have time to continue this story…**

**Chapter 9: Connection**

I followed them, running back to the house like a ghost, barely noticing the darkness lying around us, and repeating in my mind over and over again the vision Alice had had. It was incomprehensible. Bella had made a promise. Why was she trying to break that promise now?

I wanted to find more about that vision, but Alice, in her turn, was overwhelmed by the news. She couldn't think about anything else except the vision. She's seen Bella in Port Angeles with Jessica watching a movie then the vision abruptly changed. She was arguing with Jessica and she was approaching some unknown men, like she wanted to repeat that terrible experience from the same place so much time ago. If I had thought about that two days ago I would have said that I'll be shocked to see Bella's face again because Alice's vision seemed so real, like it was happening right beside you. But I wasn't shocked by that. I was stunned and outraged by her decision to throw herself in danger's wings. Why was she doing that to me?

As we entered the house everyone was gathered in the living room and I was already meditating whether I should go back immediately and pull her out from that horrifying attempt or just come back and put someone else to take her home in safe conditions. All my thoughts were focused on returning to her because I could endure everything, but I couldn't endure to know that she'd been harmed. The mongrel, who would have dared to do it, was going to be extinguished.

"Carlisle, it happened again," Alice said as soon as she caught Carlisle's eyes.

"Oh, come on, Alice," my fury exploded in tiny pieces as I heard her worrying about me. "Who gives a damn about me when Bella is in danger? I don't care if a strange hole will absorb me and I'll become a paralytic or if I'll die tomorrow. All I care about is Bella and she's in danger right now." Every pair of eyes was directed to me waiting for my every word.

"Alice, explain to us what you've seen," Carlisle solicited as I felt a light attempt of Jasper to influence my emotions, to help me relax, but I didn't want to be relaxed. I just wanted to see Bella safe.

"Stop, Jasper," I hissed through clenched teeth and he didn't obey me at once. He first looked for Carlisle's approval.

"Stop," he murmured and I could feel all the pressure of my new anguish. It had been impossible to believe that my pain could grow in intensity, but it did. The pain of leaving her and not having her in my arms was nothing comparable with the pain of losing her forever. After my short disconnection with my surrounding all my senses had been strengthen and I could think absolutely clear about what I had to do. "Alice?" Carlisle asked her again and she sat on Jasper's lap before she began to recount what she'd seen.

"It's so strange. I haven't watched her future since Edward told me not to do it and I haven't had any involuntary visions either, like she haven't made a conscious action for four months and now all of a sudden it hit me. She was in Port Angeles with that girl, Jessica Stanley, watching a movie and in a few seconds another vision jammed in my mind. She saw a group of men and she was trying to approach them and Jessica told her no to go near them, but Bella wouldn't listen." As time went on she became more and more anxious, just like me. "Actually it's not right to use the past tense. This is going to happen in exactly fifteen minutes. That movie is probably ending right now."

I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts. Fifteen minutes. I had just fifteen minutes to save her and it wasn't enough.

"I'm going back," I said, frightened that I couldn't make it there in time and I knew it wasn't enough time for me to reach my destination.

"You have no time," Alice said as she jumped from Jasper's lap. "Fifteen minutes won't be enough to get to Port Angeles. Not even if you'll run."

"I'm fast, I can get there in time," I retorted realizing my own desperation.

"Edward, you can't fight geography. It's too late and it's too far to arrive there in fifteen minutes."

"Oh, watch me," I shouted with a violent edge in my voice as I prepared to take flight. "I can fight everything as long as I know she'll be all right and don't tell me it's too late." I couldn't think about that. I had to save her, no matter how, but I had to save her. I needed to.

"But it is." Carlisle's firm voice came from behind us and for a second I stopped, turning to face him. How could he tell me that? Didn't he realize I could die, disappear from this world if Bella ceased to exist? "Son, it's too late for you to go to Port Angeles. Look, if Alice's vision is accurate this will happen in less than ten minutes now, so you realize you won't be there to save her if it's something to save. Have you thought that perhaps nothing will happen to Bella, that maybe she'll mistake them for someone else?" No. And that could not be true because deep inside me I felt that she was in danger, I felt it even when I was sinking into that unconsciousness. This feeling was imprinted in my soul and nothing could have made me change my mind. Bella was definitely in danger and I had to save her even if the entire world was against me, even if this was the last thing I was going to do.

"Carlisle, she's in danger. I know that. I can feel it."

"No one said she isn't," Alice cut in and acknowledging the fact that my Bella was in danger like something insignificant was beyond anything I could handle.

"Oh, thank you Alice, very helpful," I screamed in extreme anxiety, but she turned her back on me and called Sonya who came closer looking straight in my eyes.

"I think Sonya can help us." In that moment it seemed to me like Alice wanted to play a childish game with me in which she wanted to be the winner. She was all for using Sonya as an intermediary, but I couldn't see how she could make a connection between us. Bella's mind had some kind of protection that couldn't be penetrated so why even think about that? It was not helpful and I needed something certain, something that could guarantee me Bella was going to walk out from this safe and unharmed.

"And how do you think she can help us, Alice? Last time I checked I couldn't read Bella's mind so why would Sonya be able to send her my message?" I was boiling with rage, but somehow I was sorry for treating her like that. She was only trying to find a solution.

"We can try," she pleaded, but I wasn't in the mood to try anything. I just wanted to be sure she was fine.

"It's not the time for stupid games. I can't afford to risk and try this. I have to do something that will put her out from harm's way." As I was speaking I could hear a clock ticking in my mind. If any of those men was going to put a fingertip on her, I was going to destroy them.

"It's the only option you have," she exclaimed seriously.

"It can't be," I whispered, but I knew that it was the only option and it killed me not to be able to do something more. The anguish crushed me suffocating me, but my mind was clear. "Do you at least see if it's going to work?" I asked, slowly complying with her wish.

"I can't see because you haven't made your decision yet and I focus my mind on Bella. Three more minutes." It sounded like we were waiting for the beginning of an entertaining show and it made me feel more powerless.

"And what should I tell her? Why would she even listen to me?" I asked with disbelief in my voice, but Alice didn't have the time to answer me because another voice stood out from all the little noises around us. It stunned me to hear her speaking so flatly and with such authoritative certainty.

"Because she loves you and she will never do anything that will hurt you." Rosalie's eyes were full of understanding, even if she was trying to hide it with anger, something that had never happened before. She spoke like she had no doubts about what she was saying and it surprised me that she was thinking that way. "I think if she will receive your message she will stop from doing anything reckless. No matter what you'll say to her she will listen to you."

"And what if she doesn't receive my message and she ends up hurt? What I'm going to do then?"

"We should call Charlie," Alice thought aloud and I couldn't help myself.

"Yeah, we should call Charlie and say we miss him," I said ironically. "'Hey, Charlie it's me Edward. I wanted to inform you that your daughter is right now in Port Angeles and my sister have just seen that she will approach some unknown men and we think she might be in danger. Can you please check if she's all right? You would be doing us a great favor. Thank you.' That's what you want me to tell him? Oh, please, Alice." It was not the right moment for mocking, but her stupid idea made me even madder than I already was.

"I wasn't thinking about that," she retorted with fury. "Anyway she wouldn't make it there in time to avoid this, but he's her father and he should know."

"And he's human. He can't do anything," I responded helplessly.

"But he's a policeman," Esme tried to soothe me.

"That will matter after she will be already hurt." The thought made me shake with rage. Why was she trying to do? Had she already forgotten what she'd promised me, that she won't do anything stupid or reckless? Maybe that was the only thing that kept me on this world and now she was trying to take that away? Why? Why was she seeking danger? I was blinded by the pain I felt but not incapacitated as I would have thought. Somehow I could function and I knew the answer for that. I couldn't leave this world until Bella was safe and sound. My only mission in this life was to protect her. It was the fuel that helped me to exist.

In an infinitesimal second Alice's eyes popped wide open lost in distance. She was wrapped up in her vision. A new one. A complete one.

"It's happening," she whispered under her breath as she fell in Jasper's lap.

I felt spasms of fear shuddering inside me and for a second the veil of my unconsciousness fell down on me, then I could see everything in Alice's mind. It was clear like water. And to my great surprise I didn't break into pieces right there. I felt stronger. I felt happy and I felt worried.

Bella came out of the theater doors alone and she sat down on a bench looking like she was in pain. It was so hard not to run immediately back to her, but the desire to make something to save her kept me in place. However, I was in a trance and I almost believed that I could touch her, that I could smooth her face. Sonya grasped my arm and for a moment I remembered where I was and how far I was from Bella. I couldn't understand why was she clutching my arm so hard and it annoyed me, but I couldn't react. I was completely lost in Alice's vision. I could see Bella and this was enough for a lifetime. Except…I wasn't sure she will be fine. I strained every muscle in my body as I absorbed Bella's every move.

She shook her head like she wanted to forget something and then she caught sight of Jessica who was coming out from the theater looking worried and in search of Bella. As Jessica saw her she became irritated and she addressed Bella with an ironic tone that made me want to rip her head off.

"_Was the movie too scary for you?"_ she asked Bella, still ironical.

The knowledge that I was going to hear Bella's voice again send a thrill through my body that revived my cold heart. It made it tremble with pleasure.

"_Yeah,"_ Bella answered with the sweetest voice I'd ever heard, _"I guess I'm just a coward."_

I was fascinated by the beauty of her voice, a voice that I hadn't heard in so long. It was like a balsam for my pain. I closed my eyes to keep her voice in my head, but Carlisle whispered to me "Be focused, Edward," and he was right. I had to be focused.

"_That's funny,"_ Jessica continued with a frown on her face. _"I didn't think you were scared. I was screaming all the time, but I didn't hear you scream once. So I didn't know why you left." _That made me wonder what movie had they seen. Apparently it hadn't been on Bella's taste.

"_Just scared,"_ she shrugged and I was overwhelmed again. I was able after all this time to hear her voice, but in what conditions? She was in danger and I wanted to scream for her, but I knew it wasn't the right moment. Not yet.

_"That was the scariest movie I think I've ever seen,"_ Jessica said as her irritation with Bella almost vanished. _"I'll bet we're going to have nightmares tonight."_

"_No doubt about that,"_ Bella consented and I knew from her voice, from her moves that she was hiding something and that something disturbed her.

"_Where do you want to eat?"_ Jessica asked, looking around her, maybe to find some admirers.

"_I don't care,"_ Bella responded with indifference and I could tell she wanted to come back home.

Jessica began to talk about the movie and the actors, but I couldn't concentrate on her. All my attention was on Bella. She was so beautiful as she walked beside Jessica, but I was bothered by her lack of attention. I could clearly see that Bella wasn't aware of her surroundings. She let Jessica lead the way and babble as they went, but her mind was in another place.

It was dark and it seemed so dangerous for my Bella to be alone there. My frame shook at the thought of what was going to happen next and what I had to prevent. It was maddening to have to rely on something so improbable. Would Bella really listen to my pleadings? It was close now and Sonya's grasp on my arm became stronger.

The sidewalk where they were walking was unlit and all the shops were locked, except of the one across the street. Noises of drunk men and broken glassed floated to them and the first to notice their risky situation was Jessica. She suddenly stopped talking and became wary, walking faster as Bella continued to be quite. It took her too long to realize what was happening and that she should follow Jessica and move away as fast as possible from that wretched road.

When she became aware of her surroundings she followed Jessica's gaze to that shop where beside the door were standing four men. I froze as I remembered the thoughts of those low-lives who had tried to harm her in the past. They couldn't be the same and as Alice concentrated to show me their faces I realized they were not the same.

Bella stopped in the middle of the road looking at them and one of the four men looked at her in interest. I was going insane. I clutched something that became dust in my hands to be able to remain in that place and not run toward Port Angeles.

"_Bella,"_ Jessica whispered with anxiety. _"What are you doing?"_

Exactly. What was she doing? What was in her mind?

"_I think I know them,"_ she muttered, but I knew she didn't know them. She was just remembering precisely what I was remembering too.

She stood unmoving and looking at them like she was waiting for the danger to embrace her. I damned myself for being away from her when she needed my protection. The memory stung into my mind like acid. They were outnumbered and they couldn't do anything if those men wanted to harm them. _Run, Bella, run…_But she couldn't hear me screaming from my abyss.

"_Bella, come on,"_ Jessica whispered with panic, but Bella ignored her and moved forward. What was she going to do? All my efforts to keep her safe hadn't mattered at all? Did she really seek danger to torment me or it was a new pastime for her? I'd traded all I had, I'd given up my happiness to keep her safe and now she was going to hurt herself. No. I couldn't stand that. They fury boiled in me like lava.

To my desperation she was approaching them more and more and she was already halfway across the street when Jessica gripped her arm and hissed at her.

"_Bella! You can't go in a bar!"_ I was clinging to the hope that Jessica will reason with her, but the determination on Bella's face destroyed my hopes. The fury inside me was on the point of exploding.

"_I just want to see something…"_

"_Are you crazy?" _Jessica asked annoyed._ "Are you suicidal?" _The question hit me directly in my chest and I couldn't breathe. What was going through her mind? She'd made a promise. She'd promised me that she won't do anything stupid or reckless. Was she now going back on her word? _No, please God, no…_I wasn't sure that God has time to hear me, but Bella was an angel. He has to save her. Not for me, but for her.

"_No, I'm not,"_ Bella answered with that stubborn tone in her voice that I knew so well, defending herself, even if the question had been rhetorical. _"Go eat,"_ she continued as Jessica looked at her with wide eyes, _"I'll catch up in a minute."_

Then she turned back to the men that were enjoying the moment. It was too much for me. The anger was seething in every cell of my body, making me insane. How could she even think to put herself in danger? How could she dare to do this?

"Bella, stop this right now," I screamed irritated. I was like a ball of flames. I could feel the rage emanating from my body.

And for a moment she stopped. I couldn't allow myself to believe that she heard me. I wasn't sure about that. I could only pray. She seemed confused and looked around herself shocked. Maybe she finally remarked where she was. Maybe she was finally realizing that she needed to leave that place.

"Go back to Jessica," I commanded, even if I had no right to command her anything, but this was for her own good. Something clasped my arm with unbelievable pressure, but I was too focused on Bella. I wanted her so much to hear me and to listen to me. "You promised, nothing stupid," I reminded her, not knowing if she could hear me.

She was standing motionless in the middle of the street with Jessica a few feet away from her and those men watching her. She shook her head like she wanted to hurl my voice from her head, that if she'd heard it. It hurt me to think that she didn't want me anymore.

"Keep your promise," I begged her as a wave of pain crushed me. Maybe it was true. Maybe she didn't want me. Maybe I'd hurt her so badly that she decided to put me out of her mind and now I was invading her thoughts.

Se remained still waiting for something and it surprised me to see that she looked disappointed. Why? I couldn't know. She was clearly debating on doing something and I grew more alarmed by the second. Was she in shock? Had she realized that she was in danger and now she got scared? I couldn't know and the anxiety burned into me.

Suddenly she took another step forward and I clutched something or someone near me tearing it into pieces.

"Bella, turn around," I growled, suffocated with worry and she looked relieved.

The men across the street kept on watching her with curiosity and they were smiling like stupid imbecile dogs.

"_Hi,"_ one of them said and I could have killed him just for his idiotic tone. It wasn't hard to imagine what he was thinking. A snarl escaped my mouth as I concentrated on Bella and she smiled. Was she smiling at that cretin man in front of her? Did she like him? The unknown was insupportable. _"Can I help you with something? You look lost,"_ he said grinning and winking at her.

"_No. I'm not lost,"_ she answered certain of herself.

"_Can I buy you a drink?"_ he insisted. If I would have been there I would certainly have made a salad out of him.

"_I'm too young,"_ Bella responded automatically and I was pleased with her reaction. She began to function as she needed to. _"From across the street, you looked like someone I knew. Sorry, my mistake."_ Her mistake? It wasn't a mistake. She'd done it on purpose.

"_That's okay. Stay and hung out with us,"_ the moron invited her, but Bella refused again to my utter pleasure and reassurance.

"_Thanks, but I can't."_

"_Oh, just a few minutes,"_ he persisted and the words flew out from my mouth without my accord.

"She doesn't want to stay, you stupid useless being…"

Bella shook her head and turned to Jessica. _Thank you, God._

"_Let's go eat,"_ she mumbled without looking at Jessica. Finally, she was making a clever decision. I felt relieved, but I couldn't allow my body to relax. I wasn't sure yet that she will be fine. I wasn't sure of anything.

As they moved away from that place Jessica let her exasperation surface.

_"What were you thinking?"_ she shouted. _"You don't know them. They could have been psychopaths!"_ As much as I wanted Jessica to respect Bella and not scream at her I couldn't blame her for that. Not now. And I wanted to hear the answer to that question too.

_"I just thought I knew the one guy," _she shrugged. Yeah. Simple. Just that it wasn't convincing. She had never known how to lie. Not to me, at least.

_"You are so odd, Bella Swan. I feel like I don't know who you are." _Bella didn't answer immediately and somehow I felt like Jessica was right. Bella was acting very strange. She was changed. She was not the same person I'd left in the forest and she was dangerously close to break her promise. But she should have known that I wouldn't permit it. If I had to fight with her to keep her safe, I was going to do it.

"_Sorry,"_ she said and they walked in silence for a few seconds and that was all I had left. Just seconds for me to see her beautiful face. The vision from Alice's head came to an end. Too quickly and too abruptly.

"What's happening, Alice?" I yelled at her and just then I've realized that I was lying on the ground, behind the sofa and clutching hard its back. It was ruined. I had to buy Tanya another sofa, but I couldn't care about that.

"I don't know," she said, worried too. "It stopped. I can't see anymore."

"Then concentrate and see again," I retorted like a spoiled kid. Then, it was silence. Everyone was looking at me and they had the same expression upon their faces which I couldn't understand.

"Edward," Jasper finally spoke, "She has seen more than ever. Fifteen minutes of what was happening in that precise moment. She isn't a channel of television that broadcast Bella's life. Give her a break. Maybe the danger is over and that's why she can't see anymore."

"No, no. He's right," Alice agreed. "I have to see. I have to concentrate harder," she explained as she pressed her little fingers on her temples.

I stood there unable to process what was happening, what had just happened. I wanted to see her again. To be sure she was really safe. Even if in my heart I knew she was out of trouble, I needed to see her face. My elixir. My angel. My entire universe…

I was aware that the avalanche of feelings was on the point of blowing up inside me, but I wasn't ready yet. I had to know that she was home. I knelt beside Alice and I locked eyes with her as we stood there waiting for her to see something, but her mind was blank except of her constant thought _"I'm sorry." _I grabbed her hand pleading and reassuring her in the same time. I wanted so much to see Bella again, but I couldn't stand to see my sister breaking into pieces either.

It seemed like an eternity had passed when I felt Alice clenching my arm harder. My head snapped up and her eyes were lost in distance again, though her mind had nothing new to offer me. She was just remembering what had happened earlier.

Immediately I became worried. Had she been mistaken? Was Bella still in danger? I took her face in my hands looking deep in her eyes and like waves of relief, the vision came.

Jessica stopped her car in front of Bella's house and she kept a hostile silence between them, making both of them to look awkward. Bella brushed her fingers through her hair not knowing what to say to break the silence and deciding that it was better to leave and wait until Jessica will pass over the experience of that night, she opened the door.

_"Thanks for going out with me, Jess,"_ she spoke softly. _"That was…fun." _The anger caught fire inside me again. How could she use the word _'fun'? _It hadn't been fun. At all. Maybe tormenting me to insanity was fun, but definitely it wasn't fun when she was in danger. How could she be so uncaring about herself?

"_Sure,"_ Jessica muttered impatient for Bella to leave.

_"I'm sorry about… after the movie," _Bella tried to apologize, but Jessica ignored her looking furiously out the windshield.

"_Whatever, Bella,"_ she responded resentful and I couldn't condemn her. Bella's behavior hadn't been exactly like it should.

_"See you Monday?"_ Bella tried one more time to make peace with Jessica, but she answered hurried, eager to leave.

_"Yeah. Bye."_

Bella got out of the car shutting the door without force like she was tired. She went into the house leaving Jessica's memory behind her.

"_Hey, dad,"_ she saluted Charlie with a dead voice. It hurt me.

"_Where have you been?"_ Charlie demanded on an authoritative tone that caught me by surprise. Hadn't he known about Bella's idea of fun?

_"I went to a movie in Port Angeles with Jessica. Like I told you this morning,"_ she defended herself and Charlie grunted something intelligible as he probably remembered that Bella was right. I hoped that she had informed him about her escape to Port Angeles and most of all I hoped that he won't permit it again.

"_Is that okay,"_ she asked as she moved toward the stairs.

_"Yeah, that's fine. Did you have fun?"_ Suddenly the word _'fun'_ was getting on my nerves.

_"Sure,"_ she lied. _"We watched zombies eat people. It was great."_ Great meaning awful. I didn't want Bella to see such movies. I didn't want her to put herself in danger and I had to do something about that too. He disapproved of her answer like I expected narrowing his eyes, but she moved past him whispering _"Night, dad,"_ and hurried to her room. She threw herself in her bed and lay there looking in the dark. The vision ended and I wasn't furious with Alice because of that. I was grateful that she helped me and I was blissful that Bella was safe and lying in her bed in perfect conditions…physical conditions at least.

I rose on my feet and I looked around me noticing everyone's relieved faces. Alice gave me an overjoyed hug and then she was dancing around the room. I was happy too, but something in me didn't let me enjoy the moment like she was doing. Something inside me was still worried. I lifted my gaze to see Sonya watching me attentively.

"Okay, movie time is over," Rosalie uttered trying to look bored, but she wasn't. She was as relieved as anyone of us. She rose, dragging Emmett after herself and Tanya with her sisters moved too, followed by Esme, like we were maintaining the human charade, but no one really left the room.

Beside me stayed Jasper and Carlisle, who was planning to speak to me again, but I couldn't concentrate on his thoughts too much. I was searching for answers in Sonya's mind. Alice took her in her arms and danced with her toward us.

My eyes had never left her face and hers never left mine. Both of us were searching something.

Even if it seemed a stupid question to ask in that moment when Bella was out of harm's way and even if it didn't matter anymore, I was dying to know the answer to it.

"Has she heard anything?" I asked her in a bleak voice. I couldn't expect anything. I couldn't afford to hope that she'd heard me. I couldn't be as arrogant as to believe that she'd run from that danger because she heard me. And what I was afraid of enunciate clearly was that I couldn't be so conceited as to think that she still loved me.

"Everything," Sonya responded as a huge smile spread upon her face and joy emanated from her being.

Bella had heard everything I'd told her. Everything…


	10. Recovery

**Chapter 10: Recovery**

I was confused and the mixture of feelings I felt was overwhelming. After all that time that I'd stayed motionless without a real feeling pulsing through my veins I got used to be numb. Every new feeling was astonishing for me. It was like I was learning to feel again.

And now it was coming to me one after another and I was shocked. First, Bella had been in danger, second, I hadn't had any chance to save her except of talking to her and third, she'd heard everything. Maybe there was a fourth point too, but I was too bewildered to realize it. I was so thankful that she was right now in her bed and that nothing was threatening her that I couldn't understand the doubt in my chest. I had a strange feeling, something unexplainable and the first to notice was Jasper.

"What's bothering you?" he asked me. There were so many questions in my head, so many impossibilities that still had happened. And I wanted to find the answers for every of them, but in that precise moment I wanted to be alone. To feel my elation as I'd felt my pain.

"I need a moment alone," I said as I moved with slow steps toward the exit. In a second I caught every movement in the room. Emmett looked at me disappointed, not knowing why I'd requested a moment alone.

"_I hoped he was going to feel better after this, but I guess I was wrong again. I miss you, bro. Don't go away again."_ He pleaded. I knew he'd missed me. Now I realized that I'd missed him too, that I missed everyone.

Rosalie, Tanya and her family looked at me with more confusion than anyone else and Esme stood frozen on a chair. She too thought that I was going to leave. Just now did I realize how much I've hurt them. It hadn't been the best choice to leave their side, but I knew that it was the best choice I'd had. If I'd stayed with them I would have made them miserable like I'd been, especially Jasper. He could feel everything I felt. He was the only one that knew how I'd really felt.

Alice, just smiled at me, as she had a new vision. With me this time. I was going to run to that frozen lake I'd been earlier with Sonya and when the sun will be up I was going to return to the house. I knew that she probably was right. I truly had no intentions of leaving. Not now when I felt a thrill in my chest for the first time in a long time. Carlisle and Jasper nodded in the same time and I was off, but not fast enough to block out their voices or their thoughts. My hearing was too good and I wasn't far enough not to hear them.

I could see through Jasper's mind, Esme rising on her feet and approaching Carlisle with a heart-breaking expression and at the same time Rosalie sitting on Emmett's lap like she wanted to comfort him. He looked like a defeated man. Not at all his type.

"Why didn't you stop him?" Esme sobbed as Carlisle was stroking her arms and he wanted to answer her, but Jasper cut in.

"Have a little faith in him," he replied. "He's coming back if that's what it's worrying you. He just needs a moment alone as he said. He feels fine. Actually, I don't remember him to feel so happy since then."

In an instant Emmett lifted with Rose in her arms and his relieved laughter rang out to me, then I shook my head and I kept running, a pleasant run, not that desperate run that I'd been running lately.

I sat on the same rock and I let my thoughts drift in circles around me.

I'd left Forks more than four months ago and in the instant when I turned my back to _her_ my entire existence became meaningless and my being hollow. I'd left everything I had in me with her and I was damned to never find it again, to never come back to her.

The pain had consumed me every second that I run away from her. It had burned and tortured me to insanity, but by a miracle I'd survived all the anguish that had blazed in me. It was hard to remember, not that I had something to remember. Everything I could recall was the feeling of suffocation I'd had for months. It was in my mind like a scar, a painful, unforgettable scar.

I'd even parted with my family for a time and I couldn't make myself be repentant about that. They'd suffered in my absence, but they would have suffered even more in my presence so with that I was sure I'd taken the right decision. Everything, that had surrounded me, had been full of pain and everyone suffered because of me. I was like a plague that withered everything that touched, but now that intense feeling of guilt decreased in its weight. In fact, the only feelings that I'd been able to feel lately were agonizing pain and overwhelming guilt.

Now everything had changed like a heavy cloak had been lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe the air without bursting out. I could notice life around me. I could exist among people.

I was still suffering, but the pain had decreased considerably in its force since I saw her fascinating face. She'd touched my soul again and stolen my pain away. The image of her face, the sound of her voice was deep inside me. I was repeating again and again her voice in my head and it was so healing, so delightful to hear it after all this time.

_My Bella, my only love…_I knew she was safe, but I didn't know if she was happy like I'd intended for her to be. As much as I wanted to think otherwise she hadn't looked happy in Alice's vision. She'd looked unconcerned of her own safety, like she didn't have anything to lose and to my desperation she looked sad. I didn't know why and I couldn't allow myself to think that it was because of me. Maybe she had already moved over me. This hurt and it was something irreplaceable. I knew it will always hurt me, but in the same time I had to keep my promise.

My mind was fixed on her face and as the seconds passed I wanted more to be near her, to have her in my arms. The pain was almost gone and quickly desire took its place. I wanted her so much. I would have traded everything to be with her. If only it would have been a chance for me to be human…but it wasn't and I had to keep my distance.

The feelings in my soul were twirling at an infuriating velocity. I almost couldn't catch them. I was sort of happy, but not entirely happy because I didn't have her and I never will. I felt better because I'd seen her and I knew for sure she was protected. I wanted to believe that I didn't have any reason to worry, but why did I have that feeling in my chest that was aching and telling me that something was still wrong. I didn't have any real motive to worry, but I couldn't convince myself that everything was fine. Something in me denied that and I had to check to make sure. I wanted so bad to run to Forks…just to see, just to check.

The confusion squeezed my soul. I couldn't differentiate if what I was feeling was desire to see her or necessity to ensure myself that there weren't any dangers threatening her. Even when I'd fallen into unconsciousness I felt like I had to save her and I saw her face pleading for me to come.

I was at a loss, not knowing what to do. If I went to Forks I was going to want more and it was a slim possibility that I will be able to keep from appearing on her front door begging her to take me back. I was on the point of darting into a run, but somehow I remained glued to that rock. It was icy cold like me.

I stayed there motionless, just thinking and breathing in and out. I had so many questions without an answer. What was she thinking? How could she hear what Sonya has sent and why couldn't I read her mind? After all Sonya's gift was working almost like mine. It manipulated the mind. Once, this would have intrigued me to an absolute obsession, but now I was more than grateful. If it hadn't worked I wouldn't have been able to make her stop from doing a stupidity. I wanted to understand so much about what had happened in the last few hours, but I didn't have any clue and solitude had been my companion for months. Who would have thought that I'll become sickened by it?

I rose to my feet, stretching, even if I needn't have done it. I wanted to speak with Carlisle, to Alice, to Sonya…to everyone. I'd missed so many things that now I had to catch up. As I run back to the house I knew I had to act differently. Of course I couldn't fool everyone. Jasper will always know how I feel, but at least I had to try to feel better. For them, for my family. They had done everything possible to help me and I had to do the same to assure them I was better. Even the craving to have Bella was burning inside me I could function and this was a start. A new beginning.

Alice made me see that not everything was lost. I couldn't ever have Bella again, but that didn't mean that I couldn't protect her. It was my only solace. My only reason to go on.

I hadn't time to finish my thoughts that I was already in Tanya's living room, which was freshly decorated to Alice's taste. It looked welcoming and Tanya wasn't bothered at all so I didn't feel guilty anymore that we occupied her house like it would be ours. Everyone was grouped there and I felt home. Sonya was the first to lift her eyes to see me, but Alice was the first to speak with her chiming voice. She was skimming through a magazine absentminded and looking like she was bored, but actually she was happy due to my change of mood.

"So…do you like my latest artistic work?"

"As long as Tanya won't cast us out I think it's fine." They all smiled a little and Jasper from across the room grinned at me as he scrutinized me in detail.

"That doesn't answer my question," she replied still looking bored. It was unbelievable how fast Alice could change her mood. Not that I couldn't, but I was more constant in my feelings. She could be ecstatic and depressed in the same second, but she has always been there for me when I needed her. And as she'd promised she'd made everything in her power to make me smile again. I wasn't whole and without Bella I could never be, but I wasn't destroyed like I'd been either. I was functional. And everything was thanks to Alice. I didn't know if I will ever be able to recompense her for her unselfish support, but I knew that I had an eternity to thank her. Jasper smiled kindly as he sensed my gratitude.

"Everything is more than beautiful, Alice. He should see the rest of the house as well." Esme was the kind of person, whose life had been destroyed, but she kept going and the cruel fate that took away everything from her hadn't succeeded in making her a heartless being. But the opposite. She was the most loving and kindest being on earth and she'd never turned her back on me, even if sometimes I deserved that. She has always loved us like we were her children, and she has been our mother like we were truly hers. I owed her so much.

I embraced her with all the love I had for her. It was like we met again, like we began to know each other again. Little by little I could feel like a part of them again and maybe someday I could erase that empty spot I caused. I let her guide me toward the sofa and I sat beside her keeping my arm over her shoulders and throwing my other arm over Alice's.

"Well, Esme it's right," I agreed and instantaneously Alice beamed with satisfaction, not looking bored anymore. She'd always enjoyed others' appreciations. "But I have to say," I began, but she cut me off, already knowing what I wanted to say.

"Yeah I know it's new for me the Egyptian style, but I had to try it. I think if I'll redecorate another house I'll do better than this…"she trailed off, thinking about a trip to Egypt to buy some furniture and maybe some clothes too.

"Yeah, especially if it will be a house in Antarctica. It will be a perfect match with the climate and everything," I joked and Emmett's laughter sounded in my ear.

"That's my bro," he shouted, smacking my shoulder.

"Of course that was the idea. To be something different, special. Who else has a house in Alaska decorated by me and with Egyptian design? No one, obviously. You're the most eccentric person around here, Tanya."

"Oh, yeah. I think I am," she responded with a smile as she admired her new house.

"And I want a new table here…dark brown I think will be perfect and this model is so beautiful. You like this Tanya?"

Without my notice I was in the middle of a normal discussion and atmosphere. The atmosphere of a family. I realized what they were doing. Again. They were trying to provide me with a common ambient and in particular they were trying to make the events of last night look like a dream. Something that has never happened. Just that it had and I was still feeling mysteriously worried. Jasper sat on the cushion in front of the sofa still examining every twist of my features and Alice along with Esme, Tanya and her sisters were thinking about new possibilities for adding more Egyptian style to their house.

"I feel kind of worried right now, but I don't really know why and I have an inexplicable urge to save Alice from something which I don't know either. What's wrong, Edward?" he asked as he studied my face in case I was going to lie to him, but I wasn't going to do that.

"I'm still not sure if everything it's in right order," I whispered. Everyone present in the room had heard me, but no one turned to me, just Carlisle drew nearer to us. I was thankful for their attitude once more. "I think I should check on her to see if everything it's fine," I continued, but the uncertainty was imprinted on my face. I was at the point when I didn't know exactly if I wanted to run to her or just linger in the wings to protect her.

"Son, you want to make sure she's fine or you want to come back?" that was the question that had whirled in my head for hours and now when it had been said out loud by someone else made me realize how much I wanted to see Bella. And for that I couldn't return to Forks because I was sure I won't be able to stop from craving more.

"I don't know," I muttered. "I feel inside me that something it's wrong, but I can't explain it properly. And I feel that I have to return, but I don't know if I will be capable of keeping my promise if I step on those grounds again." They looked at me trying to understand my incoherent thoughts. It was hard even for me to do that.

Alice turned and looked toward us without speaking. At least not orally.

"_Why are you still worried? If anything had happened I would have seen it. If anything will happen I'll see, I'm sure. I checked on her after you left to the lake and she was still at home. I don't think anything threatens her. Take into account that you may overreact this time." _

I shook firmly my head. I knew I wasn't overreacting, but in the same time I didn't have any real reason to be worried. It was just a feeling inside me that pounded with desperate force and was screaming for me to come back.

I kept my eyes on Alice's face, avoiding Jasper and Carlisle. Maybe after all I was going insane. Maybe these were the effects of seeing Bella again and knowing that I can't have her.

"Maybe someone should come back and check if that's what it takes for you to be sure about her safety," she verbalized and in that instant I frowned unintentionally. I knew I couldn't refrain from seeing her, but could they do it? I wasn't so sure about that either. Alice was already full of enthusiasm.

"When I made that promise I said I won't interfere in her life again. And when I said 'I' I meant every one of us."

"That doesn't mean we will interfere. I think for us will be easier to leave Forks without letting her know we had been there." She tried to look detached as she talked, but she was making plans and of course it wasn't going to be easy for them either.

"It would be so easy that you doubt you'll leave Forks again without saying to her goodbye." She winced as she remembered and I closed my eyes to block out the memory. It was clearer with every second passing that I needed to verify that she was in safe hands.

"Edward, what makes you think she's still in danger?" Carlisle asked in a thoughtful voice.

"I feel it. When I fell into that strange unconsciousness the only thing I knew was that I have to save Bella and now the feeling remained in me. It's like a signal, but I don't know if it's accurate."

He looked at me, thinking, and no one disrupted the silence. As I read their thoughts I saw that they understood me and didn't consider me an insane person.

"So if this is such a big problem I'll make the trip to Forks," Rosalie mouthed and every pair of eyes turned to her. She didn't look surprised to see the shock on our faces. On my face. I was stunned. Had I really heard well? Had she offered to do me a favor? I didn't have the right to be so harsh on her, but she'd never liked Bella much and she hadn't understood my feelings either. And now she wanted to help me. "I think I'm the only person here of whom you can be sure won't approach Bella if it isn't necessary. I can go there and do my job without any nostalgic attacks." She was right and I had to believe her.

"And I'll come with you," Emmett interjected. "We can be back by sunset, not that it's much of a sun here, but anyway. Bro, we can do this and you can keep your promise." At that point I wasn't sure about anything and Alice's sudden disappointment didn't help me at all. I knew she wanted to be the one returning to Forks, but she had to be honest with herself as I'd been with me. Neither of us could return there and keep the distance. I looked around me and then was the first time that I realized Sonya wasn't in the room. I sensed the agreement of everyone that Rosalie and Emmett should go and I knew that was the best decision I could make. They were the perfect option, but still I craved to go back myself.

"And we'll call you as soon as we'll make sure she's all right," Rosalie continued. I couldn't understand her sudden wish to help me, but I had no other option, so of course I was going to accept the offer.

"Give her some credit," Jasper encouraged as he tried to hold Alice still. She was annoyed that she couldn't go back to Forks herself and I understood her well. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers as I closed my eyes. She was there behind my lids, smiling as always. I was so weak and my will was fading. I almost gave in to the temptation, but I couldn't afford such errors in my self-imposed restraint.

"Fine. Be it." I approved. In my peripheral view I could see Esme smiling as she hadn't done it for too long.

"Take my car," Carlisle proposed, but automatically I went up against that.

"No," I almost shouted. "It has to be inconspicuous."

"It's just a Mercedes. I don't think it will stand out," he murmured, looking at me with profound attention to decipher my thoughts.

"Yeah. A Mercedes which Bella knows its every piece." He looked at me for one second more and then he understood. I was right this time. None of our cars could be used for a trip to Forks. "If Tanya would be so kind as to burrow us a car," he began, but Tanya consented immediately.

"Of course." I looked her in the eyes to see if everything was all right and she nodded. "It's not a problem, Edward."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"That being said I will go upstairs to pack some things," Rosalie stated indifferently.

"To pack?" Emmet asked puzzled.

"Yeah to pack," she repeated ironically. I didn't know what she wanted to pack either, but her thoughts made it clear. _"You think you'll leave me with my clothes in one piece?" _she thought. God, why should I hear their thoughts? Sometimes it was horrendously embarrassing. I chuckled, not helping myself and it was enough for Emmett to realize that I knew something.

"What is it, bro?" my smile grew larger as I saw the perplexity on his face and at once Rosalie turned her head to me.

"If you say something," she threatened, but didn't continue out loud. _"I'll make an exposé of you at the international club of naked puppies for unsatisfied women."_

"No, thank you," I declined respectfully. "I rather be dressed."

'Urgh," she snorted as she ascended the stairs.

"I promise I won't tell you've told me, but what does she want to pack?" Emmett inquired eagerly and I could hear from upstairs Rosalie's snarl. It was something natural for Emmett to be curious and it was even more natural for me to not satisfy his curiosity.

"Yeah, like she couldn't hear me anyway," I replied sardonically.

"_You can write it on paper,"_ he thought as he handed me over a notebook. It was a good idea, but I had to admit that I didn't have the guts to get on Rosalie's nerves. Not now. Besides…I didn't want to spoil her surprise.

"I think you better wait to find for yourself," I told him and obviously Rosalie heard me. Living in a house full of vampires meant no privacy. At all.

"What a wise judgment you have," she mumbled in her room.

"What's taking you so long?" Emmett complained after a few seconds, but she cut him short with a nice "Shut up."

She appeared at the foot of the stairs as fast as she'd disappeared even if Emmett's anxiety made it look different. She wore blue jeans and a matching sweater and in her hand she held a large purse. It was funny to see how she was playing with Emmett's nerves. I would have enjoyed it more if I could have erased that feeling that was troubling my heart.

I went nearer to her and from the corner of my eye I saw Tanya handing over the keys to Emmett. I knew that I had no chance to ask Rosalie why she was doing this, without being heard by the others, but I needed to now. Except the obvious reason for her to go away for some time I wondered if she had others too.

"Thank you," I began and she nodded. She seemed to be very perceptive because I didn't need to verbalize the question. She was already answering it in her head.

"_I know you wonder why I'm doing this and I know that I don't deserve your trust, but I don't plan to do anything wrong or anything that you would disapprove of. I just want to make up for my mistake. I'm very remorseful for what I've told you before. I know I shouldn't have and I'm sorry. So if this is a way to mend that, I'll do it. And don't tell me I don't have to do it because I have to. I won't come close to her. She won't even know we've been there. We'll just check and then we'll call you. I promise."_

Naturally, our silent conversation didn't pass unnoticed, but no one asked anything. Emmett grabbed Rosalie by her waist and clanked the keys in her face.

"If it's not much trouble we could go."

"Don't' do anything thoughtless," Carlisle cautioned.

"We'll be two sweet angels," Emmett assured him as they were heading to the door. _"Believe me. Everything will be fine. I promise,"_ he told me in his mind.

I walked them to Tanya's car and when I felt like I had enough I mumbled a hurried "Thank you" and I turned my back on them. I didn't need a car to go to Forks that was for sure and I had to convince myself again that I wasn't allowed to go there.

As the car became a blur in the distance, Rosalie's thoughts returned to their usual form. I could still hear her.

"_I'm sorry that I've judged you so insensitively back then, but if I'm doing this don't you think that I agree with your decision. I don't. I still think that you've done the greatest stupidest mistake ever and that we all should come back home. And I don't think you've gained anything by this. I'm sure she isn't any better than you are, but it's your decision and your life, after all, so I'll try to respect that." _

I entered the house with her words ringing in my ears and then I caught sight of Alice standing alone in the living room. Even if I had been a vampire for so long, it never ceased to surprise me how fast things happened in our lives. In a second all our family was gathered under the same roof and in the other everyone was gone. I could tell by the scents that were still powerful that I was alone in the house with Alice and Sonya. I'd wanted to speak with her, but now nothing was more important than Alice. She really looked devastated.

The glass door was left opened and she was staring through it absentminded, with her hands in her lap and her legs crossed. I could imagine nothing more painful to watch in that moment than Alice. Her resigned face and tearless eyes were more heartrending than any other human who could cry, especially because she usually was a cheerful person. I couldn't stand to see her like that. Immediately I felt the need to comfort her.

"Where's everyone," I asked as I sat on the sofa beside her, though I knew it wasn't the best tactic to begin the conversation.

"Gone," she said and it sounded like they all had died, not that they were just away from the house. Maybe hunting I guessed. It was strange to guess when I was able to read minds, but in the course of time Alice learned how to block me out. She'd kept her still posture when she continued. "They went hunting and I made Jasper leave too. He didn't want to leave me, but I couldn't have him here feeling the same as I do and constantly trying to change my mood."

I pulled her to my chest and for a second we stood in silence as I stroked her icy arms. I knew that if I was going to delay it for much longer she will become even more irritated with me, so I thought that it was best to get to the point. But I didn't know how to phrase it so as to not hurt her more.

"I'm sorry, Alice. You know I am. But I couldn't let you go back there," I muttered and it sounded frighteningly outspoken. Her head snapped up to face me and her eyes were piercing deep into mine.

"Why not? What could I have done wrong? You wanted to make sure she's all right, so why wasn't I good enough to check on her? I wouldn't have appeared on her front door to announce her that I've been in the area to see if things were in their right order," she cried desperately.

"You're sure?" I inquired skeptically. "Ask yourself how much it would have taken not to appear on her front door. Do you think you would have been able to go to Forks without wanting to approach Bella? I don't think so. Sending you there it would have been almost like going back myself. Neither of us can handle this."

She continued to look in my eyes, but her stare soften. It wasn't cold anymore. A kind realization filled her expression. She couldn't deny that I was right. As much as it hurt, I was right.

"I wanted so much to see her again," she sobbed in my chest. I gritted my teeth to hold back the pain as I answered.

"I know. I want that too."

She was supposed to fight with me, to ask me why I didn't go back, to throw everything at me, but it wasn't her nature to do that. She lay in my arms breathing silently as we both thought about Bella in our own way. It hurt me and it hurt her, but we didn't mention the subject again. We stood there unmoving, watching the sun set and waiting for the phone to ring, but it didn't.

"We should talk to Sonya," she finally said, remembering me that I'd wanted to speak with her too. Unhurriedly, she pulled herself out of my grasp and stretched her legs, avoiding my eyes. "I'll go and get her," she whispered, but she didn't need. Like a shadow, Sonya appeared in the room.

"I'm here," she said as she sat on the chair in front of us. "I think I have some explaining to do. Right?" I wanted to find out more about what had happened, but her mode of expression was not the right one. She wasn't here like a convict who deserved a punishment. She was here like a gift from the gods and I was immensely thankful.

"No," I replied and I wanted to find the best way to clarify to her that she had no obligation and she was free to do whatever she liked. "Actually, I was wondering if you could give us some details about what happened."

"As I said, she has heard everything I sent her. Even that guy received a message." I frowned, not remembering exactly what I've uttered in those moments and she read my confusion. "_'She doesn't want to stay, you stupid useless being…'_", she reminded me, smiling as she imitated my voice. Repeating in my head the memories from last night I remembered how angry I'd been and Sonya reproduced that anger pretty well. "Actually, you've been angrier than that," she tried to joke and I managed to give her a faint smile.

"But how is this possible," Alice meditated. It was the same question that was spinning in my head, the one I couldn't find an answer for.

"I don't know," Sonya responded. "You've said her mind was different and that Edward couldn't read her thoughts, and I have to admit that I felt her mind different from the others I've manipulated. At first it was like a shield was protecting her thoughts and hindering my attempts to send Edward's message, but then I could penetrate it. Though I succeeded to access her mind it was harder than ever before. It felt like I was squeezed from all sides, like that shield of hers was trying to push me away. And when I reproduced Edward's voice, the muscles of the shield relaxed instantaneously like she wanted to hear his voice. Even if it had become easier to make the connection between you too, I couldn't lose focus. For a first time I think it went pretty well."

I tried to process the information. So it hadn't been so easy to send the message, but by a miracle it had been possible in the end. Now that everything was over I could sit and analyze the facts. Bella's mind wasn't a closed book after all. It was closed just for me. Maybe the problem had been all the time my gift and not her mind. Maybe I was the one that hadn't had a developed enough gift to read her mind. I let my thoughts wander for a moment, but then I came back to the present. Why did it matter if I could hear her thoughts or not? I would never be close enough to her to try again.

"You gripped my arm," I remembered. "You've told me that you need just to focus on what I tell you so you can send her the message."

"Yeah, I have to focus on what you tell me, but I thought that it will be better if I have a close contact with you, considering it wasn't exactly sure if the message will be delivered. And in that way I've been able to send with the message your emotions too. I mean, beside the words, she has felt your anger and anxiety too."

I looked at her stunned. What I was listening to, seemed even beyond vampire nature, but it was real. I felt happy again and again a thorn stung into my chest warning me that something wasn't how it should be.

"Thank you," I uttered with all my heart. "You have no idea how much you've helped me and how thankful I feel for that."

"I know," she answered simply and her tone contradicted what I'd said. Maybe she understood me better than I thought.

I was lost in her eyes, trying to decipher the mysteries of our existences when the phone rang. Sharply and persistently. I flipped it open without looking who was calling. My eyes were fixed upon Alice's face. It was unprecedented to be with Alice in the same house and not know that the phone was going to ring.

"_It's Emmett,"_ she thought too late.

"Hello?" I said, anxiously waiting for him to speak.

"Edward, we're in Forks. There have been complications."


	11. Explanations

**I've been very busy lately due to the birth of my sweetest niece and I didn't have time to write since I can't stay away from the little baby. I'm so happy that I think I'll create another character that will bear her name, jut to have her closer to me. Of course I have to debate whether or not I should introduce a new character to the story because I don't want to spoil the future events and obviously I need this new possible character to be a positive one.**

**Besides this I have the bad habit to lose interest in something after I thought about something else and now I'm in such a situation. In my mind has begun to bloom another idea and I'm afraid I won't finish this story, but I'm trying hard not to stop and make time to write as much as I can. So…I can't wait for certain chapters that will come and I hope I won't shorten the chapters just to get where I want. **

**Chapter 11: Explanations **

Despite the anxiety that was dragging me down to my knees and tearing me apart, somehow I managed to stay in one piece and not break the phone in my hand. _There have been complications._ It was beyond anything I could bear. I wanted to know everything, but his words didn't come out as fast as I wanted to.

"What complications, Emmett?" I hissed at the top of my lungs.

"When we arrived to Forks we left the car at home and then Rose run to Bella's house to make sure she was fine as you wanted, but the house was empty so we followed her scent and it led us to Mike Newton's store. Rose was the first to catch a sight of her and she looked pretty well, but we thought it will be better to wait and see what she's doing–"

"Emmett, what's going on?" I yelled as the desperation took over me. In that precise moment I wasn't able to listen to the whole story. I wanted him to get to the point, but he went on, ignoring me. It was maddening.

"She got in the truck, but she wasn't heading to Charlie's house. She… she was going to La Push and we couldn't follow anymore so believing she was safe enough we returned home." Even if I hadn't said anything I'd noticed his hesitation. She'd done something else in that time, something that Emmett considered proper to hide it from me, but I was going to find out as soon as he would be close enough to me to hear his thoughts. "We tried to call but the phone was dead and we began to do _other_ things and we lost track of time. So to make it short," _finally,_ "before we decided to leave we checked again on her and Rose run to Charlie's house and Bella was in her room sleeping. After that Rose was supposed to meet me at the way out of Forks, but she run into someone on her way to me. Hopefully she'd gotten close enough for me to hear her so I knew something was wrong. Immediately, I was by her side and as I'd expected she wasn't alone. Two other vampires were crouching in front of her ready to attack. I didn't have time to think or try to discover what they were doing in Forks. I jumped to their throats and in five seconds both of them were dead. Taking into account their strength and their unskilled moves I'm sure they've been newborns."

Relief rushed through me, filling every piece of me. My anxiety hadn't been justified. Bella was safe and I had no reason to worry anymore. My soul was telling me that now I could be sure about her safety. I didn't have that feeling that was squeezing my heart anymore. But still the situation was strange and something definitely had gone wrong, but I couldn't make myself feel sorry for those vampires. They'd been caught on a claimed territory so they'd been punished. I shook my head as the thought crossed my mind. I couldn't think that way. Carlisle had taught me better.

So the complications hadn't concerned Bella, but those strange vampires had tried to attack Rosalie. The information sank in my head and every part of me was reacting to that information. She was truly safe.

"And that was everything?" I asked as he made a pause.

"Edward," he said, "Do you think that this was something without importance?" he asked with a tone in his voice like he was questioning my sanity. I was selfish enough to be really reassured. And then was the first time when I realized what all this was about. He felt ashamed of what he'd done. He was remorseful and I was a total stupid for being oblivious to his angst.

"No, I don't think that," I answered, but the relieved tone didn't want to disappear from my voice. "But you've done what you thought was right. You've protected Rose."

"The problem is that I haven't thought about anything. I simply let the instincts take over me and I killed them. I couldn't read their minds to know what they were intending to do and still I killed them without blinking. I'm not so sure I've made the right thing." In his voice was not even a trace of his usual happy self. He sounded like a dead man speaking and I couldn't stand to hear him blaming himself that way. Not when I felt inside me an unexplainable feeling of gratitude because he'd killed those vampires.

"Where are you," I asked as I heard the car stopping.

"We're almost in Denali, but I can't come back now. I can't face Carlisle."

"Em, you've done nothing wrong. Come back right now. Besides, you'll have two hours before Carlisle and the others will come back from hunting," Alice informed him as she took the phone from my hand. He didn't say anything else. He just started the car and then Alice put the phone on the table without looking away from my face.

"He'll arrive in ten minutes," she whispered as she took her place beside Sonya again. She looked frustrated as she always did when she hadn't seen something of importance for our family. I knew how irritated she felt with herself, but it wasn't her fault. Now when I could be sure that Bella was really safe, I could see more clearly. Alice had to watch our futures and sometimes when it was too much for her, the visions were less accurate. Apparently, now was that exception and she took all the blame on herself. There was no need for us to blame her anymore. She was her own worse enemy in this case.

I took her in my arms to comfort her, but she kept her rigid posture. Of course. She'd already seen me doing this.

"_So I can see you taking me in your arms, but I can't see that Em and Rose are in danger I couldn't see Em killing two vampires. That has to be the most normal thing possible," _she thought exasperated.

"Alice. Hey, look at me," I said as I forced her head to turn to face me. She looked like she was on the point of crying. "I forbid you to blame yourself. The future changes, right? And you have to watch too much already. It's normal that your visions have holes. We understand that."

"Would you have understood if Bella hadn't been safe in her bed?" she asked infuriated. I paused. I couldn't answer immediately and in that short silence, Alice read the answer. Of course I wouldn't have understood as well as I was doing now. "No, you wouldn't and you would have been right. I don't know what's happening to me. I can't see anything lately," she sobbed.

"It's not true," I contradicted her. "You've seen what Bella was going to do and you helped me to stop her. You are doing more for us than anyone else, Alice. You can't blame yourself." My attempts to soothe her appeared to be pointless. She was too stubborn to believe my words.

As I was stroking her arms, Jasper got into the house, swiftly like a ghost. There hasn't been time to explain that he had already taken Alice in his arms. With desperate moves he tried to find her eyes as he absorbed every of our emotions.

"What happened, Edward? Why is she feeling like that?" he inquired, barely hiding his accusatory voice.

"Because she doesn't want to listen to me. Because she's determined to think that is her fault Emmett killed those vampires," I cried the words out loud and as soon as I finished I realized my mistake. Jasper, Alice and Sonya looked at me with horror in their eyes. I stood shocked in front of them while I analyzed my words. It had sounded dangerously close to a condemnation, but I wasn't reproaching anything to Emmett. How could I think badly of him when I felt so relieved because he had done it? Inexplicably I felt that emotion increasing in my soul and instinctively my eyes flickered to Jasper's. He had felt that and he frowned confused.

"I cannot read minds. Could you please explain? There has to be a mistake in all this," he murmured meditatively.

"There is no mistake. Emmett himself told me and I think there is no need for me to inform you. They are on their way. You can already hear them." He concentrated harder, taking in every sound. The car was the only sound that betrayed their arrival. In exactly three minutes they entered the house, Rose standing close beside Emmett looking like she was supporting his entire weight. It was probably the first time when I'd seen him looking so devastated. The guilt was like a scar on his face, wringing his features into an anguished grimace.

Rose stepped forward making Emmett move too and he wished to apologize to me, but I didn't understand why. In my opinion, he hadn't done anything wrong. Rose threw him a quick glance and she seemed to know that he won't be able to do or tell anything, anytime soon.

Vampires couldn't be in shock. Theoretically. But he was and it let us speechless. It was so much worse to see him in pain for the reason that we were used to his overjoyed self. On his face has always bloomed a smile, even in the darkest times and now he looked as if he was lifeless. I couldn't stop from thinking and asking myself if that was how I'd looked after we left Forks. Perhaps. But I doubted it. I was sure I'd looked even worse.

"We'll wait upstairs for Carlisle and Esme to come back," Rose announced us and in the moment she offered him the way out he darted to their room and she immediately followed.

"_I've made him see reason, but he can't handle it. He can barely face me. He isn't ready to speak with you. He feels too ashamed of something he should be proud of. Obviously I could have taken care of myself, but nevertheless I'm grateful for what he'd done. I'll try to make him understand and when Carlisle will arrive we'll come downstairs." _She had already closed the door of their dormitory when she finished her thought. It wasn't necessary to translate for them to comprehend what was in Em and Rose's minds. They knew very well.

We let the silence fall between us and for once the waiting was not tormenting. I could be patient and I felt guilty for that. How selfish I was. How worthy of disdain. In my peripheral vision I saw Jasper shaking his head.

"_You're not selfish. You've never been,"_ he thought.

Even if I wasn't in the room with them I could see every move they made so I had an inside that Alice and mostly Jasper didn't. Emmett was sitting on the bed with his head in his hands and Rose between his legs was trying to lift his head, but he was too strong for her and he was squeezing his head with too much pressure. It wasn't supposed to be like that. He had always been the warlike type. He had always wanted to fight and now when he'd really fought and killed those monsters he felt ashamed and remorseful.

"_I betrayed Carlisle's trust. I let my stupid instincts take control of me. How could I have done it? What will they say?" _he yelled in his mind.

"Em, stop acting like that," she whispered in his ear. "You're being childish." He didn't move as she embraced him and pressed her lips on his. He seemed to be frozen in that place. "Oh, for God's sake," she burst out screaming. "You have no right to blame yourself. You saved me. Do you think I would have had any regret if I'd been the one killing those vampires? Of course not. I would have been proud. You should be proud. I'm thankful for what you've done. Look at me and be proud. Stop mopping around."

Quicker than I expected I felt like an intruder in their privacy. Throwing him down on the pillows, she began to cover him with kisses and it appeared to work. Slowly he gave in and started to respond to her kisses, but his thoughts remained the same. Worried and ashamed. I couldn't stop from thinking that somehow I had a part of fault. If I hadn't sent them back to Forks, he wouldn't have felt guilty for anything now. Jasper shook again his head and called my name in his mind. As always, I turned my head to him.

"_Don't begin you too, to feel guilty. I'm going to blow up. Besides none of you has to feel guilty."_

I nodded, trying to apologize, but it wasn't so easy to erase certain feelings from one's soul. Sometimes they lingered more than you'd wish.

"That's what it makes it worse," I heard Emmett's voice from upstairs. "I don't feel any regret. I feel fine and I shouldn't. I murdered someone."

"It wasn't murder. They were not innocent people. They were vampires. Thirsty ones, if you looked in their eyes. Probably they were hunting when I run into them. They've certainly murdered before so why should you feel guilty because you've ended their wretched existences?"

"Because it was wrong. What will Carlisle say?"

"He won't blame you. He will understand."

"I know," he answered gloomily.

"_They're coming back,"_ Alice thought as she gripped my arm. I tried to concentrate harder to be able to hear them, but they weren't in my radius line yet. I knew Carlisle wouldn't blame Emmett, but in his soul he was going to feel pity for them. These were the moments when I perceived the great differences between me and Carlisle. He could feel pity even for the worthless being on earth whereas I couldn't. There was no pity to feel for those blood craving monsters.

Em and Rose were not speaking anymore. She was lying on his chest looking at him and an image that could be so romantic for me seemed macabre. He looked dead and I couldn't think of him like a dead man. He was my brother. He was the happy and irresponsible one, not that serious and desolate man standing on the bed.

When Carlisle and Esme along Tanya's family entered in the room they already knew that Rose and Em were back. I could read the confusion on their faces as they saw just the three of us.

"Where are Rosalie and Emmett," Carlisle asked even if he knew they were in their dormitory.

"Upstairs," I answered like a machine. "Carlisle, I think Emmett wants to tell you something." he knew me well enough to recognize that something had gone wrong. _"What is it?"_ he asked me in his mind and in the same time Em thought _"It's time."_ Apparently I didn't have to inform him. Emmett was a man and it was his duty to report to Carlisle.

Moving in synchronization they descended the stairs and as they sat on the armchair Sonya rose to her feet to leave.

"I should go," she murmured and my head snapped to her.

"You should not," I replied too harshly and it sounded like it was a command. "You're part of the family," I continued, trying to make my voice softer, but it still was severe.

"Edward is right, "Carlisle agreed and under his eyes she sat again beside Alice and Jasper, but nevertheless Tanya with her sisters left the room.

Emmett was not the kind of person who deviated from the subject. He was frank and he liked to get immediately to the point. Although he could have drowned in his fears he knew perfectly what he was going to say. I wanted to make him understand that none of us would ever reject him.

"I'm sorry," he began, watching Carlisle in the eyes, who looked even more bewildered.

"What is it, son?" he asked him with overwhelming kindness and Emmett winced.

"I've just killed two vampires." As he said the words, Carlisle froze in shock, but didn't move and I could feel an electric current piercing in my body. The only one who had a reaction to his words had been Rosalie.

"No," she hissed. "That's not the right choice of words." I knew what she was trying to say. '_I've just killed two vampires'_ sounded like he really was a murderer and he was not. But he strongly believed he was and the only one who could make him believe otherwise was Carlisle.

"But this is the fact," he hissed back.

Carlisle watched him for a while and when he spoke again, Emmett breathed relieved.

"Tell us everything from the beginning, son," he solicited, emphasizing as much as he could the last word. It was hard for Emmett to remember, but in the same time he wanted to get over with all this.

"As soon as we arrived in Forks we went home and then Rose run to Charlie's house, but Bella wasn't there so Rose called me and I met her in the woods, then we followed her scent which led us to Newton's store. We saw her getting into the truck and I would have come back home, but Rose said that it will be better to follow her. To make sure she was really fine and prove Edward's fears wrong. And we did. We expected her to come back to Charlie's house, but she didn't. She was heading to La Push and when we realized that, we stopped from following her. We tried to call Edward as we came back home, but the phone didn't have a signal so we got into other things and when we thought it was time to leave Forks we decided to check on Bella one more time. Rose run again to her house and she was due to meet me at the way out of Forks, but she was staying too long so I became impatient. When I heard her voice in the distance I thought it was too late for me to get to her in time. She was discussing with two people and their scents betrayed them. I knew they were vampires and Rose's voice had been too sharp for a conventional discussion. When I get by her side those despicable beings were crouched in front of her and I could see nothing else. I was sure they were trying to attack her and I didn't stop to think. I jumped at their throats and I killed them."

For a moment there was only silence and I wanted to break it, but I knew for sure that Em needed Carlisle to speak not me, so I waited for him to meditate.

"_It was wrong and reckless and he shouldn't have done it, but after all, he's done it to protect Rose. I would have done the same for Esme. Without thinking or asking questions first. And he is so rash. He hasn't done it just to kill. He saved his loved one. That has to be understandable." _

"Son," Carlisle began, "I can't say you've made the right thing, but I can't blame you either. You saved Rose and that's something all of us understands. You don't have to feel guilty. You are not a serial killer."

"_I could have taken care of myself and I could have killed them myself. And now he wouldn't have been so miserable,"_ Rosalie thought and I could feel how hard was for her not to say this out loud.

"But I betrayed your trust," he said watching both Carlisle and Esme and they answered him in the same time.

"No," they replied and for once I could see Emmett's lips twitching into a smile.

"In any case I don't think you've done any damage. You've made a good to the world even. They were not innocent people. They were not even people. They were just thirsty vampires and taking into consideration their crimson eyes I bet they were hunting. Humans." I shuddered. Hunting humans in Forks? With Bella so near. The feeling of gratitude became stronger and Jasper couldn't stop himself.

"_You don't feel even the slightest trace of pity or anything like that because he killed them. You are happy. You're thankful. Why?"_ he asked confused. I just shook my head. It was not the time to explain this.

"Please say you forgive me," Em pleaded looking into Esme's eyes. Like and angel she approached him and took his face in her hands.

"There's nothing to forgive. You watched over Rose, that's not to be condemned."

All of us have thought about this as an irrevocable fact, but no one has taken into account that probably those vampires were in one piece by now. Emmett has never mentioned to burn them and as far as I knew our race was immortal and able to make itself whole again. So what was the possibility for those two wretched beings not to be wandering the world in this precise second? In the instant I thought about that Alice cried with a strange kind of enthusiasm.

"Edward's right," she anticipated, but I ignored her.

"You've just ripped them apart?" I asked in a cold voice and he nodded so I continued. "Have you thought that maybe they are whole right now? That they are in one piece continuing their hunt? They are not worthy of your remorse," I concluded almost infuriated because he felt regret. Jasper's expression confirmed me that I was right. He was experienced in this kind of situation and for sure he had seen vampires regenerate. Our head turned to him and he began speaking with a businesslike voice.

"I don't know why I haven't thought about this earlier. It's true. Regeneration is something that happens very often for our kind. If you have just dismembered them, you probably left them with two or three scars, but nothing more. I'm almost sure they are fine. Well perhaps they're looking for revenge, but that's not something that should bother us."

The memories came back in Rosalie's mind. The two vampires standing crouched in front of her and then Emmett quickly finishing them. They have been newborns. There was no doubt about it. Blood thirsty and irrational. I could tell by their every move. And they left them together with just a broken head and a torn out arm. Almost there hadn't been any damage at all. They've offered them a gift. They've made them sleep. How much I would have traded to be able to sleep.

"But why couldn't I see them? I should have seen them. Oh, Rose, Em, I'm so sorry. I should have concentrated harder. I'm sorry. I really am," Alice suddenly burst out. Rosalie rolled her eyes then answered with a bored voice.

"Don't begin you too. It was to be expected. You have already too much to see."

"That doesn't explain why I haven't seen. You are my family. I should have seen. Especially because you've been in danger." She looked at us like she wanted to make us understand how it bugged her that she hasn't seen. For her it was like she was blind when she couldn't see something and I understood her because I felt the same with Bella. Every time I'd been with her I had the sensation I was deaf, but for me it had been the most pleasurable situation I could ever be in.

Under our eyes she began to plot and imagine possible reasons why she haven't seen those vampires running into Emmett and Rosalie, but I didn't pay attention to her anymore. It wasn't the first time when Alice hadn't seen something and then because of her frustration she saw dangers where there weren't any.

I should have told her _'It's human to make mistakes'_, but it wasn't the best mode of expression for us.

"It's normal to mistake once in a while," I edited the sentence.

"No, it's not," she hissed glaring at me.

"Stop. All of you," Carlisle ordered. "None of you is guilty for what happened today. It has been an unlucky event which we will leave behind us. I'll go back to Forks right now to check." He hadn't finished the sentence when my eyes snapped to his and Alice's head turned abruptly to him with that infuriating happiness on her face. She wasn't going to return to Forks, for crying out loud. A growl was building in my chest and it took all my control not to erupt.

"Why. Do. You. Have. To. Go. Back. There?" I asked, pausing after each word to make certain I wasn't going to snap.

"_Behave,"_ Alice warned. Oh…but I was behaving.

"Son, we can't live with the uncertainty. We have to know for sure whether they are alive or not. And I won't run the risk of letting any of you go alone there."

"But you can't go alone either," Esme objected and all of us agreed with her.

"I can take care of myself. Nothing will happen. Besides it's not something to be debated. I'll leave in a few minutes. Alone."

He was too determined for me to change his mind. I could read in Alice's thoughts what was going to happen. Her vision was too strong to doubt that Carlisle was going to go to Forks and she felt that disappointment again. It was irritating.

"If I'd seen it, nothing of this would have been necessary," she lamented. At that moment I was almost expecting Emmett to begin again apologizing, but luckily for me he was returning to his usual self, little by little. His thoughts were less worried. He was happy that Carlisle and Esme hadn't cast him out. What a stupid thought to have.

"Looks like you have to deal with two blaming themselves," he addressed me smiling a little. "I'm sure you feel very excited, doesn't he, Jasper?" he asked him, now smiling with his whole heart.

"Yeah. We are so excited that this excitement is bugging me with its power," he replied ironically.

"Imagine if I begin to feel guilty too," I joked smiling too, even if Alice was frowning at me. "We will have the greatest party of miserable vampires around here."

"Huh," she grunted as she rose to her feet dragging Sonya after her. "Come, Sonya. Apparently these three have a sick mood of joking now." She followed obediently, but she smiled back at me as she turned her back on us. Kissing Emmett on his lips and whispering in his ear "I told you," Rose followed them too.

I couldn't get used to the idea that another member of my family was going back to Forks, so near to Bella and I wasn't that member. I knew too well that I had no right to come back there, but still the pain of being unable to see her, to feel her, was burning in my chest, was drowning me again in my anguish.

Her warm skin, her soft lips, her beautiful eyes, her enchanting voice…all of that was far from me and impossible to have again. I chocked the air out as I tried to keep her image in my mind. It was the most beautiful thing I have left.

I felt how I was slipping through the cracks and I remembered the promise I'd made to myself. I wasn't going to make my family suffer again. They'd suffered enough because of me. I tried to compose myself, but it was already too late. Jasper was sending through me waves of relief and happiness, but they were too weak to function on me. Nevertheless I didn't want him to do that. He knew it.

"Jasper," I said with a cautious and pleading voice.

"What a party we have," he said reminding me my words as he stopped.

"Thanks," I murmured, exactly in the second when Carlisle appeared again in front of us.

"I shall go," he said. "I'll be back in no time. Please, Edward, don't lose sleep. Jasper will bite," he joked and I tried to smile. It wasn't such a good attempt. The truth that he was heading to Forks was spinning in my head, leaving me unable to process anything else.

He left immediately after Esme kissed him goodbye and I knew I had to concentrate on something else, unless I wanted to become again a wreck. She gave each of us a kiss on the cheek and then she left us alone, going upstairs to Alice's room.

Even if he was returning to his usual self, he was still feeling ashamed and uncomfortable. He looked with wary eyes at both of us, expecting us to reproach him what he'd done. Obviously he hadn't expected to hear my words.

"Thank you, Em," I told him sincerely. He was stunned, but he hadn't lost his sarcasm.

"Are you sure you feel alright?" he asked puzzled.

"Yeah, actually I really feel fine. And that's because of you. I know Jazz is boiling here because of me. I can't even explain it clearly to myself, but after you've told me you killed them I felt relieved. Like the dangers I'd seen threatening Bella were gone. I guess I should feel sorry because of that or apologize, but I can't." He kept looking at me perplexed for a second, thinking about nothing so I was right in believing that he might slap me, but he surprised me in his turn. He boomed with laughter as he always did.

"Bro, you're awesome. I was almost sure you'll kill me yourself and you're trying to thank me. That's something to remember."

"Miracles happen," I joked and I could feel Jasper relaxing by our sides, but to his discontent I couldn't help myself for much longer. I'd looked into an invisible distance before I turned my head to Emmett, any trace of humor disappearing.

"How was she," I asked and all of a sudden he strained himself and evidently he was trying to suppress certain thoughts, but he didn't have Alice's ability to keep me out of his mind. Sooner or later I was going to find out, but I preferred it to be sooner.

"What do you want to know," he murmured trying to play the fool, but he knew what I wanted.

"Everything," I answered in a dead voice. I had to work more on the part which implied the hiding of my emotions. He sighed like I'd asked him to do the most painful thing in the world and he opened his mind for me. It was clear that it would be easier for him to remember than put into words what he'd seen. In any case I was grateful to him.

He remembered just what he knew it was vital for me. As I saw her wonderful face I melted with desire. It was dreadfully hard to keep from collapsing right there. She got out of Mike Newton's store, making her way through the rain to her truck with a sad yet charming expression on her face. She got into the truck and started the engine, driving slowly as she always did, but her lack of attention bothered me. I knew her well enough that I could tell even from another's memory that her thoughts had been miles away from her. She continued driving without paying attention to her surroundings and I froze when accidentally she'd met Emmett's eyes. He'd been to far from her to see him, but he'd caught and conserved her image perfectly for me. It was delightful to see her, but in the same time her grieved face tortured me beyond imagination.

As the memory went on I could see Bella's features twisting into a deathly agony that I could not bear. Why was she suffering? Who was the one responsible for her pain? I couldn't think it was me because if I did think about that I would have returned immediately to Forks. Maybe she'd been just upset because I'd intervened in her life again. _Or maybe not… _I thought hopelessly.

It had caught me by surprise when Emmett's memory ended abruptly.

"_Sorry man,"_ he thought. _"But I can do it. I can do this to you." _So he was trying to protect me from seeing Bella suffering. No. I didn't need protection. I just wanted to see her face, to suffer even more as I saw her grief.

"Yes, you can," I said, my voice being hardly above a whisper. "Please, Emmett, continue," I pleaded with the same dead voice and he obeyed.

The memory started again and she was driving, but suddenly she pulled over and her pain was my pain. It overwhelmed me once again. She curled over, pressing her face against the steering wheel and she tried to breathe. She looked devastated and I felt powerless knowing that I couldn't do anything for her to feel better. Why was she in this state? My will to stay away from her broke into pieces. I couldn't be away from her anymore, but the decision I'd taken was not supposed to be for my benefit. I'd taken the decision because I knew it was better for her. So why did I feel that it had been the wrong choice to make?

I studied her every move and it was like a sword had crossed my heart when she thumped intentionally her head against the steering wheel. The desperation was evident on her face. She laughed humorlessly, but it was a dark laugh, a laugh that cut into me with its soreness.

She'd looked out the windshield for a long time before she got out of the truck. It was raining and it must have been cold for her, so why was she standing there? She has never liked the cold. Just when she prepared herself to get into the truck again, something appeared to catch her attention and she turned again her back to the truck. It took me a second to remove the crushing veil of her presence and recover from the drowning in which I'd fallen the second I've seen her face. As I took notice of her surroundings, I saw what caught her attention too. Two motorcycles standing across the road with a _For Sale_ sign.

She approached like she'd been bewitched and scrutinized the two objects in front of the house. What was in her mind? I tensed as I realized that she'd intended to buy those. Probably she had already done it. A boy opened the door and went to greet her.

"_Bella Swan?"_ he asked surprised, but she wasn't in the mood to have a nice chat. She got to the point.

"_How much do you want for the bike?"_ she inquired with her irresistible voice.

"_Are you serious?"_ he demanded even more surprised.

"_Of course I am,"_ she replied too confident on herself and I wondered what made her take that decision. Bella on a motorcycle…it was terrifying just to think.

"_They don't work."_

"_How much?"_ she asked again with impatience in her voice.

"_If you really want one, just take it. My mom made my dad move them down to the road so they'd get picked up with the garbage,"_ he explained. It wasn't surprising to me that Bella had chosen those decrepit bikes, but it annoyed me to desperation that she'd chosen to put herself in danger by riding such things. As I really thought about it I relaxed myself. Charlie would never let her drive a motorcycle so she'll have to throw them where they belonged.

"_Are you positive about that,"_ she questioned, looking at the bikes.

"_Sure, you want to ask her?"_

"_No, I believe you."_ The eagerness to become the possessor of those dangerous objects could have been read on her face. Why had he let her take them?

"_You want me to help you,"_ he offered. _"They're not light."_

"_Okay, thanks. I only need one, though."_ Like that wouldn't be risky enough.

"_Mind as well take both. Maybe you could scavenge some parts."_ Oh, great. Was he insane? How could he offer her to take both? The necessity to protect her arose in me, but I had to remember that there was no way to protect her. At least, not a way which involved being close to her.

"_What are you going to do with them,"_ he asked curiously. _"They haven't worked in years."_

"_I kind of guessed that,"_ she responded with the most sensual voice I've ever heard. _"Maybe I'll take them to Dowling's."_

"_Dowling would charge more to fix them than they be worth running."_ She couldn't contradict him. He was right and she was not the one who would waste money unnecessary.

"_You know what?"_ she said with an air like she'd remembered something. _"That's okay. I know someone who builds cars."_ For a moment I couldn't process right the information. Who was that someone that she knew? I couldn't remember anyone who knew how to build cars beside Rosalie and I couldn't understand the sudden feeling of jealousy in my chest. Jasper stretched his legs uncomfortably and I tried to control my emotions, but it was an already failed attempt.

"_Oh. That's good,"_ the boy said smiling as Bella headed to the truck.

She drove quicker than before and she was directed towards Charlie's house. I was surprised to see that since Emmett had told me that she went to La Push, but it was understandable. He had wanted to keep these memories from me. She entered into the house and immediately called his father. But she hadn't called him to inform him of the precious acquisition she'd made. She wanted to know how to get to La Push. That's when Emmett's memory ended.

"That's about everything," he whispered not sure if I could hear him. His voice startled me and I woke up from the trance that had gotten me close to Bella.

It seemed that all I had now was the memories and visions of others. It was hard to realize that I was somehow the third wheel and not the protagonist anymore. It was unbearable to accept that I would never see her anymore. This was the truth that had accompanied me since I murmured my last words to her and it was a reality that I could never accept. It didn't matter if I was ten kilometers away from her or on the other side of the world. I still needed her and in the bottom of my heart I felt weakness and desire.

I knew that soon enough something was going to change in my life, but I was too confused and inundated by her face behind my lids to realize what it was.


	12. Catch me if you can

**Chapter 12: Catch me if you can**

I hadn't run from them like I used to. It was pain and a trace of happiness in my soul. I got near to the glass wall to look outside, feeling Emmett and Jasper's eyes glued to my back. Breathing slowly in and out and moving with exaggerated slowness like a man woken up from a long coma, I found that I could manage differently my pain. There wasn't just pain. Now, after I'd seen her face I could feel my scars healed a little, though I knew that soon enough they were going to bleed with an anguish that will put me on fire.

Nothing moved outside and neither did I. The stillness was natural for my kind and even more natural for me. It helped me to relax a bit and when I've finally felt able to face them I turned slowly as I tried to arrange my features into a detached smile. I wasn't in the mood to smile, but I had to keep going. For them…

"_You're putting a brave face,"_ Jasper thought sympathetically. I nodded absentmindedly like I'd used to do with Alice. Somehow I was missing those silent conversations between me and her.

I sat again beside them, but I couldn't stay in silence anymore. It would have been so easy to drift back to my thoughts and I couldn't let that happen. My eyes moved from the phone to the clock and back again. Most certainly Carlisle was on his way back if everything had gone well. I had to wait just a little more time to be sure what happened with those vampires and then…Maybe then I could dream about my angel.

Thoughts and feelings were pulsing through me and suddenly just one feeling remained more prominent and stronger than the others. Carlisle. Why had I permitted him to go alone? Maybe the one in danger was him. If anything happened it would be only my fault.

I got up and out of the blue I was in front of the glass wall again. I couldn't bear the anxiety I felt. All this time, I'd been so absorbed by my own feelings and worries that I neglected one of the two most precious things I had in my life. My family. Carlisle was more than a father for me. I owed him everything and now maybe he was in danger because of my stupid indifferent attitude.

I was pacing up and down like a maniac when I felt Alice's presence in the room. I turned my head toward her and she was speaking with Jasper. Not a normal way of speaking. They knew each other extremely well and it was a natural thing for them to understand what the other wanted just by a look in the eyes.

"_His emotions are over the edge,"_ he thought. _"This time it's not for Bella. It's for Carlisle. I'm sure."_

"_Hm…That's what I wanted to say,"_ she responded with a thought as she slowly rolled her eyes. "Carlisle will be back in half an hour," she continued out loud. "Now, you can calm down. I think." The _I think_ part caught my attention.

"You think," I asked, monitoring her movements and thoughts.

"As it was expected there has been nothing to find there. The place was empty when Carlisle got there."

Surprisingly it didn't worry me too much that those vampires were alive. If they wanted revenge they could come and get it. I would give them revenge. I laughed to myself a low laugh, but all of them noticed my amusement.

"Anything funny," Emmett asked with that tone that was questioning my sanity. It didn't bother me. I didn't know anymore if I was sane or not.

"It might be funny if they want revenge," I verbalized my thoughts. "You'll have your part of fight for the month." He chuckled too, but we stopped as Alice shot piercing looks to both of us.

"That's not funny," she said firmly. "We shouldn't involve ourselves in fights like these." We shouldn't, but I wanted to fight. I wanted to kill and I wanted to destroy if it was necessary. The thought surprised me, not that I hadn't had it already, but it had passed a long time since thinking about it. Jasper shook his head disapprovingly.

"You sound like a little girl," Emmett told her, booming with laughter.

"Argh…I see your sick joking mood hasn't passed yet," she retorted as she turned to leave again. Alice had never liked to be the object of our jokes.

"Oh, come on. Don't be such a sulky dude," he told her, continuing to laugh.

"I'm not a dude, Emmett. I'm a woman," she growled, but it didn't affect him and her temper became even worse.

"Oh right, you're a dudette," he concluded mockingly as both Jasper and I rolled our eyes, cautioning him to stop. It wasn't such a good idea to get on Alice's nerves.

After she disappeared from my sight I remained a couple of seconds looking into nothing and then I turned to face the nothingness from outside. My entire life was made up of nothing. The hole in my chest ripped wide open and a flame of pain began to smolder inside, scratching my soul with its power. I couldn't stop the gasp that escaped from my throat.

In the glass wall I saw Jasper frowning and it felt like I'd woken up from a dream. Suddenly, the room was full and everyone was sitting in their normal places like they hadn't even left the room. The only ones standing were Carlisle and Esme. His presence almost startled me. I'd been so rapt by the wave of pain that wrapped my heart that I didn't hear him coming.

He didn't say anything. He just looked me in the eyes for two seconds, just the time he could keep his mind empty, and then he kissed Esme like he'd always done when he came back home. It took him a slight effort to make his voice casual and it could have passed unnoticed if it hadn't been for me and Jasper. We knew he was worried.

"You should hunt. All of you," he told us turning again to face me. _"Especially you, Edward,"_ he thought and as I saw my reflection in his eyes I knew he was right. When was the last time I'd hunted? When was the last time when I'd had a hunting trip with my family? For a second everything seemed so far away, so unreal… I had to strain every muscle of my body to not succumb to the pain of realizing once again that I didn't have Bella anymore.

"I strongly agree," Emmett consented with a serious tone in his voice that was on the point of becoming a deafening laugh. I was surprised at how fast they equipped for the trip, considering that they had previously hunted. I didn't even have time to say anything. When I've finally managed to open my mouth all of them were already in the cars.

"You're coming or what," Alice cried over her shoulder and I caught the smile upon her face.

"Go," Carlisle encouraged me and dazzled like a little child by all the movements around me, I turned to join them. As I got near her, Alice grabbed my arm and began to walk in her dancing style by my side.

"We'll have fun," she muttered confidently. I wasn't sure if fun was going to be a component of my life anymore. I nodded, not wanting to be a kill-joy, but she was too perceptive. "You don't believe me, right? Then, I'm glad I'll prove you wrong. You're capable of having fun, Edward. Just let us amuse you. It won't be so hard for Emmett for example," she chuckled and I laughed with her.

Emmett got into his jeep with Rosalie and Jasper and I got in my Volvo with Alice and Sonya. I knew it was going to be exhaustive to dissimulate and hide my feelings from Jasper. Still…it was worth the try.

I clenched my fingers on the steering wheel like a man does after a long period of numbness. I'd been numb for more than I could remember. The only things that were keeping me on this world now were the responsibility I had for my family and the need to protect Bella. Thinking about these I could function.

Out of mere habit I stepped on the gas and quicker than it took Alice to move her head to see if Sonya was well settled on the back bench, the speedometer showed eighty miles per hour. I smiled as I became used to the experience again. A human would have said that it was in his blood. I couldn't say the same. For me this was in the core of my being. I needed speed. It was an elementary necessity for vampires.

"Old habits die hard," Alice uttered beaming at me.

"Yeah, especially when your little sister assures you that the day will be great," I answered smiling in my turn.

"You'll see," she said in a kind of threatening tone which almost made me laugh.

"Hmm…I should be afraid," I thought out loud and Sonya from behind us giggled like an angel. I turned my head to see her and I had the impression that she would have blushed if that had been possible.

"Knowing Alice," she began with her magnificent voice, "both of us should be afraid. I think she's planning something," she accused and Alice immediately reacted. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have time to think about something else. As soon as she thought about it, I knew it too. She was planning on making a trip to some exotic island. Most certainly Esme's island. The astonishment made me forget that I should tell Sonya what Alice was thinking. "Could you, please, enlighten me if it's not an intrusion from my part?" she asked jokingly as she noticed the sudden unexplainable tension in my body.

"Apparently Alice doesn't like the cold anymore. She wants to take a holiday to sunnier places. She wants to lie on the beach all day long," I finished sarcastically as she stuck her tongue out at me and Sonya giggled again.

"Oh, that's wonderful," she whispered between giggles. "You want to be the fairy among the humans," she asked her, pinching her shoulder and then a chill went through me.

"_Not alone,"_ Alice thought. So she hadn't thought about going alone. She wanted all of us to go.

"Alice, are you sure you're feeling alright?" I asked still sarcastic.

"Like a pale bird which needs to be tanned," she answered in a false dreamy voice.

_Like you could tan_, I thought, but I didn't verbalize it, not wanting to be rude. "And why should that involve all of us?"

"Because the bird will be sad if she is alone." There was no point in arguing with her unless I wanted to fight over something without importance.

"Whatever you like," I murmured and the disagreement was clear in my voice, but it didn't have any effect on her. She was the cheerful Alice I'd always known.

"Exactly," she approved too confident for my liking.

I kept my eyes on the road even if it wasn't precisely necessary and let Alice and Sonya's conversation flow around me. Everything seemed so peaceful and, still, everything was pressing upon my heart. Slowly but surely, I could feel the pain taking hold of me. It was something normal not to be able to exist for too long without feeling that crushing pain. I should have gotten used to it by now. But it was impossible to get used to it. Every time was more painful than the last time.

I shook my head and from the corner of my eye I saw Alice's face. Why did it surprise me that she'd caught my second of tormenting anguish? It was natural for her to know what was going on with me. I blinked, letting her know that I was fine, but she knew that I wasn't. I couldn't fool her even for a second.

As I tried to connect with them again I realized where her sudden desire to go to the beach was coming from. She didn't want a family trip as much as she wanted to distract me, to keep my mind occupied with something. Like always she was looking out for ways to help me and I'd never thanked her for what she'd done for me. Not even once.

I would have chosen a private conversation if that had been possible, but she already knew what was coming and there was no need to avoid Sonya. After all, she'd done for me as much as Alice and I had to thank both. I tried not to listen to Alice's thoughts. I wanted just to say what I had to say, but her constant repetition of the same word was truly audible.

"_Don't…don't…don't,"_ she kept scanning in her mind.

"Alice," I whispered her name, ignoring her thoughts. "I know that everything you're doing is for me and I know how much you've helped me. Not only now, but always. And yet…I've never thanked you like I should have. I've never told you how important were each and every action you've made for me. I've never thanked you for making me smile _again_." I paused as I run out of words and I smiled trying to make the smile as real as I could. I knew it had sounded weird all of a sudden to open this subject, but it felt like I would never have been able to thank her if I hadn't said it now.

"_But it's not enough…yet,"_ she thought and a slight frown appeared on my face.

"Yes. It is," I rapidly contradicted her, afraid of what she might intend to do and then I turned my head to Sonya. "And Sonya…thank you too," I began, but she cut me off with a shake of her head.

"You shouldn't have thanked for anything," Alice mumbled like a whimpering child. "Now, I'm not the fairy anymore. I'm real," she complained and I couldn't stop myself from laughing.

"And who do you prefer to be?" I asked teasingly.

"Tinkerbell, of course. And Jasper would be Peter Pan. And we don't have a Wendy. How sad," she finished in a false tone of disappointment. I laughed again when I saw her satisfied expression. She had always gotten what she wanted and now I was so grateful for that. Grateful for bringing me a reason to keep going. "You can be Tootles," she meditated.

"Yeah, and we'll bring a new other level to fairy tales," I murmured between laughs.

I let her have her fun for a while, but when Emmett's jeep appeared in my rearview mirror I realized I didn't know where we were heading to.

"By the way," I said in a casual voice. "Where are we going?" Right after I finished the question I had to admit how idiotic it had sounded.

"Dancing with the lions," she breathed the words, which had been like an insult for Emmett.

"And the grizzlies," he yelled.

"Yeah, and the grizzlies," Alice agreed.

"More precisely?" I asked rolling my eyes.

"Just keep driving. You're on the good way," she instructed, trying to keep her cheerful attitude, but she couldn't fool me. She'd become tense as soon as I asked where we were going. In response I tensed too, my mind making up possibilities which I prayed to be wrong. She couldn't do something like that to me. _We are not heading to Forks, for God's sake_, I screamed in my mind. I would have noticed, wouldn't I?

"_We've just passed near Forks,"_ she thought reassuringly and I almost broke the steering wheel. _"We'll hunt in Canada."_

I tried not to be mad at her, after all she had no fault. Nothing had happened. Absolutely nothing. I couldn't believe how powerful the ache was. It had erupted in searing flames and now it was consuming me again. I'd been so close to her, I still was, but I could do nothing, see nothing, and feel nothing of her.

"_I'm sorry,"_ Alice thought and then I realized I should be in good spirits or at least try no to be gloomy.

_Enough_, I thought to myself, but it was easier to just think how I should be than actually make myself feel differently. The need was growing by the second and there was not need for blood. There was need for Bella and I didn't know how long I could keep up with being away from her.

Emmett got ahead of me, breaking my swarm of thoughts and his voice echoed like a thunder.

"We'll beat you there, darlings," he shouted with laughter. _Yeah, sure. _Like I was going to let him. I stepped on the gas reaching the speed limit in a heart beat and so the race began. I didn't have fun. Not yet. It was something I was doing for them. I had to be a good actor. I had to make them believe I was fine. But the problem was if I could be such a great actor that even Jasper could believe in my façade.

Of course, I couldn't deceive him. Why had I even thought about it? He was sending waves of relief to me when I'd outrun the jeep and not stopping myself I flashed a frown at him.

"Don't bother, Jasper," I told him. I understood that our emotions were his emotions and especially mine hadn't been a pleasure to feel lately, but I couldn't stand when he was doing his thing on me. I was a masochist by nature. I wanted to feel every emotion that was coming from my love for Bella. Strangely, but it was a sweet pain, even if it broke me each time I felt it.

"_Can't help it,"_ he thought and I nodded in his direction.

We kept racing like we used to, so long ago and we stopped just when Alice informed us that we should pull over. I wasn't in the mood for a great day as Alice had predicted, but I was trying as hard as I could. I got out of the car with a forced smile on my face and I held the door for Sonya, looking over her head directly into Jasper's eyes who was already by Alice's side.

"_If you would just let us make a way into this wall you've created around you, maybe then you could really have fun. Just try to be wholly here,"_ he thought.

"I will," I responded out loud and no one gave me any attention, except of Emmett.

"See, it's not fair. Don't begin with the mind reading again."

"Are you afraid that I'll beat you this time too?" I retorted and immediately I was sorry for reminding him such a thing.

"Ohoo…my brother has a little fight in him. Go for it, tough guy," he shouted with enthusiasm, preparing himself to spring in my direction.

These little fights used to be our favorite pastimes when Esme wasn't around to reproach us anything and I'd enjoyed them every time, but now something was holding me back from having fun again. I'd been on the point of refusing this little pleasure to Emmett when I remembered Jasper's thoughts and when Alice ordered in a serious voice: "Behave. We've come to eat."

"Yeah, but I won't be able to feed myself properly without a fight."

"You'll fight with the grizzly," she answered simply and he sprang up from his crouch going into the forest.

For human eyes we would have appeared like a normal family hiking, but we were far from normal. Alice's wondering eyes would have deceived anyone and brought the prey to us willingly, but we were not hunting humans. We had our special diet and fortunately Sonya had decided to begin again this life. I felt somehow awkward walking by her side, but her thoughts were peaceful and almost eager to let her old life behind.

I took all the scents in and I could distinguish deep in the forest what I was looking for. Mountain lions…My lips twitched into a smile and my thirst, forgotten for so long, immediately invaded my being. My throat burned violently and the pain stunned me in place. I squeezed my throat with my hand and just then I realized that the need for blood was shaking my whole frame.

In that moment I was totally out of control, my mind was focused on one thing and one thing only. My prey. If a human had crossed my way I would have killed him without a doubt. The power of my need seized my brain and I couldn't see or understand anything else. I needed to hunt, to fill the blood on my lips…As soon as the thought passed through my mind a flood of venom filled my mouth and I knew I couldn't resist for too long.

My entire silent meditation hadn't lasted more than thirty seconds, but everyone noticed my sudden moment of trance. I moved unsteadily as I registered their faces and I was grateful they were not reproachful. Alice was even encouraging me to hunt as much as possible, her only regret was that she couldn't organize us anymore as she'd planned, but she was decided to follow me.

"_I don't want to be apart,"_ she thought. _"We've come here like a family and we'll hunt like a family. I really miss those times when we hunted for days together."_ I missed them too, but now I wasn't in the condition to think about them. Maybe after I would have finished four lions…

"I think I'll hunt," I spat through my teeth and I didn't stop to see their reaction. I darted into a run embracing what I was. A predator. And in front of me were my preys.

I run until I caught sight of the first lion and then I stopped behind a tree absorbing its scent. It wasn't as sweet smelling as a human's would have been, but it was good enough for me. I crouched, moving slowly with my eyes fixed upon the animal and in a few seconds I could feel the presences of my brothers. I moved another step and the lion turned its head toward me, looking directly into my eyes. There was no fear. Its massive body moved toward me with arrogance and so the dance began.

I moved to the left while the lion moved to the right and then I took a step forward as the lion did the same. I smiled defiantly and a growl escaped my lips, but the animal didn't lose concentration. Its big dark eyes were inflexible, not even the sound of Jasper colliding with another lion made him move his eyes an inch from me.

I inhaled one last time the smell that was making my throat burn and then I made the decisive move. I needed just a leap to put my lips on the back of its throat and suck its blood out. In a second the lion was still in my arms, groaning for the last time.

I finished too quickly to really feel the taste of the blood and I was far from being done. I needed at least three more. I rose to my feet and searched around me for the others and I couldn't stop rolling my eyes when I saw Emmett.

He was hopping up and down with a grizzly in his arms, like a child with his new toy. He would almost have looked funny if it hadn't been for his too revengeful thoughts. He'd never passed over his first fight with a bear. He never forgot that he'd been almost killed by a grizzly and inevitably he hated them and now it was a full time occupation to torture its kind.

Rose sighed bored when she'd seen him and then she tried to ignore him, but the crashing sound of the grizzly striking the ground shuddered the entire forest. I couldn't stop from thinking what would have been the reaction of a human seeing Emmett in that hypostasis.

"Emmett," Alice yelled. "You're disturbing my deer."

"Sorry, sis," he laughed. "Some of us are truly hunting."

"_Or truly tussling with the poor animals,"_ she thought.

"Can you, please, eat for once in your life normally?"

"I can't digest properly if I don't shake the soul in those inoffensive bears," he answered to her exasperation.

I chuckled silently and then I moved my eyes from him, trying to accept his primitive way of feeding and continuing my own hunt. I was faster than the others and if I was going to let my instincts take over me I would have finished straight away.

Nevertheless, I flew into a lope toward my new prey and I found it as quick as the last. The lion felt my presence immediately and darted in my direction without thinking. Most certainly Emmett's hunt was disturbing the whole area. The animal was determined to attack me. I needed just a second to look the lion in the eyes and understand where this revengeful attitude was coming from. I'd just killed its female. I let it approach at full velocity and when he got close enough to me I jumped behind its body, crouching and growling. I was debating whether I should just kill it or let it have its fight before dying and the answer was in its eyes. Fight…

I waited patiently for the angry animal to approach me again, ready to clinch it in my arms and I didn't move when he was in front of me. It wasn't in my plan to let it ruin my shirt, but somehow I didn't have any reaction when he kicked me. I fell flat on my back, feeling the weight of the lion on my body. If I'd been human this would have been the end, but I was not human. I was a vampire. And I was thirsty. I needed just a fraction of a second to change the places with the lion and put again my lips at its throat.

Blood filled my mouth and it was even sweeter than before, maybe because now I was focused not only on feeding, but on feeling the taste as well. When I finished with it I threw the carcass behind a tree and I removed the dust from my shirt, preparing to move to the next prey I could find.

I'd seen no one around me and when I did see Emmett coming, he was already all over me, laughing noisily. It wasn't the first time when he'd collapsed over me, throwing me into a swamp of mud. He knew this was the perfect way to get on my nerves while on hunting. I hated to get dirty when I was eating.

When I'd lifted up from the ground he was already a blur in the distance, but I wasn't going to give up so easily. He wanted a little brotherly love? Touching. He was going to have it.

I darted after him, guided by his laughter and in a few seconds he was in my radius. I had two options: jumping on his back or outrun him, which would mean another lost race for him and he hated to lose. The two were too sweet to pass over so I took the middle way and in any case there had been a long time since we played leapfrog.

I took a running jump and as I flew over him I pressed with all my force upon his head, making him lose his equilibrium. In a second I was twenty meters in front of him, laughing with all my heart. At first it had been natural like breathing, but after the first sensation I almost felt guilty for laughing, but still I didn't stop.

When I turned to him he was lying with his face in the dirt spitting mud and fuming. The image was too charming to be forgotten so I pulled out my phone and I took a nice picture of him. My body was trembling with laughter when I showed the picture to Alice and Jasper.

"So you're playing dirty," Emmett shot out as he wiped off his mouth.

"I'm just offering you the right ambient for eating," I answered, preparing to fly into a run again.

"How cute," he growled and darted after me, but fast as he run and still he couldn't catch me. Laughing my lungs out I took advantage of it to annoy him.

"You're out of practice, dude. You move like a snail," I shouted as the wind blew in my face.

A strange sensation crossed my body. It was like little by little the pieces of my soul were put together; like that wall that Jasper had been talking about was melting. I tried to enjoy the feeling as much as I could because I knew it was going to disappear sooner than it came and I knew that it was going to leave another scar in my unhealed heart.

"Me? A snail?" Emmett squealed behind me, making me concentrate only on him.

"Or do you prefer something slower?" I asked mockingly and that had done it. Someone should be out of their minds to mess up with Emmett's pride, that if they dare to get close enough to him to try. For me it was a pleasure.

I run faster and I changed direction, taking the way back, exactly when I knew he wouldn't expect it and his giant strides to catch me resulted to be useless. I laughed harder, seeing his efforts to catch me and for once I had to admit that it felt nice to be among them. It was easier.

"Edwaaaaard," he howled, but I didn't stop until I saw Alice, Rose and Sonya waiting for us in a small clearing, which they'd just finished making. I closed my mind cautiously, not allowing myself to remember. I couldn't think about why this seemed so familiar unless I wanted to be again a broken man.

"The grizzly is coming," I announced, ceasing to run and contented myself with a normal walk. Alice was looking at me with a huge grin upon her face and was counting silently like she wanted to keep the accounts of something.

I didn't have time to make three more steps that I felt Emmett jumping on my back and throwing me again into mud and in the same time Alice yelled graciously "THREE". I chuckled gloomy at how good she'd gotten over the time with hiding her thoughts from me and now she'd done it intentionally.

"Thank you, Alice," I gasped from Emmett's strong grip.

"You welcome," she answered unscrupulously. "You would have known he was coming if you'd paid attention," she giggled with Sonya by her side.

I decided that as long as Esme wasn't around, I could let Emmett have his part of wrestles for the day so I made his game. I dragged myself out of his grip and I jumped like a little elf on the nearest branch and he immediately followed. We could have been invisible for human eyes or just points in the trees, but for our siblings we were the day's entertainment.

"Is it show time already," Jasper asked from below us.

"Yeah, do you want to join?" I told him as I landed with a big thud and he smiled provocatively. I wondered if now I was against the two of them or if Emmett was supposed to fight with both of us. Once he got on solid earth again he wondered the same and his facial expression was priceless. I needed to take another picture.

"Say cheese," I instructed him as I pressed on the button.

"Milk," he answered sarcastically, trying to pull the phone out of my hand, but Alice was too quick for both of us. When I turned my head in her direction she was dancing with my phone in her hands.

"That's for the family album," she said maliciously and I was sure what was coming next. "And there should be photos of all of us. Including dear Edward," she finished bursting into laughter.

I tried to seem relaxed, but I was ready for Emmett to jump on my back again so I moved precociously around him. Apparently I was the only one who hadn't finished eating and I really needed more blood. I deliberated in my mind whether it was safe to continue my hunt without Emmett making a joke as it was his style or not and I decided that I should wait for a while.

I could tell that Jasper was finally at ease in my presence and that he was really enjoying the moment. He was willing to get involved into our little _brotherly_ fight and was making plans of how he could piss Emmett off. I smiled inside me and I tried to do what he'd asked me. I was trying to be wholly here with them.

Emmett's big golden eyes were monitoring every step I took and to his desperation I was hearing every thought he had. Probably his emotions were too sharp because Jasper rolled his eyes, smiling.

"You need a little help with your emotions, Em?" he asked teasingly.

"Why? Am I too sluggish?" he inquired ironically and all of us broke into laughter. He kept his eyes on me, making me laugh harder as I read his thoughts.

"I know what you're thinking," I cautioned him, smirking innocently.

"Then you know what's coming for you," he roared as he jumped to grab me, but his thoughts gave me the right amount of time to escape his snatch. I climbed again in the trees, jumping from branch to branch with Emmett on my heels and Jasper on my right. It was unexpectedly funny.

"You believe you can fly," he began to sing, "Like a monkey in the sky…" And I was the monkey from his song…

I was still leaping from branch to branch when I smelled that sweet scent again. My head snapped in the direction where it came from and all of us froze as I've seen the lion immediately. It was lurking behind the trees and I was lurking above them. Venom crammed my mouth as I set my mind. That lion was mine.

I'd begun to crawl down the tree when a hiss deafened my ears and startled my prey. For God's sake, pumas weren't supposed to get scared. I turned my head to see what was happening and I could have been late if I'd turned it a second later. Rosalie with her skirt all torn to pieces was shaking the tree in which Emmett was climbed up and he'd fallen as soon as the tree began to move.

"Come on babe, let the man hunt," she ordered in a sugary voice which showed exactly the contrary. She was irritated that the whole day Emmett had ignored her. I chuckled under my breath, letting my eyes search for my prey.

"As I said…out of practice," my lips whispered without my accord.

"That doesn't count," he mumbled, not admitting defeat and taking Rose into his strong arms walked back to the clearing.

I didn't have to search for long. The lion was looking at me how I was making my way to the ground. With slow moves I began the waltz that was going to represent its last minutes. Like before, I remained crouched on the ground waiting for it to come to me, but this one was not as strong-willed as the last. He sensed that I was dangerous.

I approached with small steps and I let a growl escape my mouth before making the lethal step to its throat, but a voice which couldn't be mistaken penetrated my ears.

"Alice, you see? Edward is playing with his food," Emmett cried like a spoiled child, his voice echoing in the woods.

"At least he's not wrestling with it," she answered at the same time when she jumped on a deer. "Gotcha," she whispered with satisfaction. I chuckled as I did the same.

In five minutes I made the tour of the forest draining in my way the blood out of another two lions and then I knew I was full. Not bothering myself to hurry I made my way back to the clearing. I felt again like an intruder when I saw Emmett and Rosalie having a too-intimate-moment-for-others-to-see and I tried to keep my eyes away from them, but turning my eyes to Alice and Jasper I found something even worse. For them it wasn't necessary to kiss and hug to emanate love. For them it was enough a look in the eyes.

I looked for Sonya, but to my astonishment she was nowhere to be found. I was on the point of asking where she had gone when I felt her throwing her arm over my shoulders.

"Were you looking for me," she asked, appearing surprised.

"Yes," I answered too directly.

"I was just finishing my meal," she murmured with an embarrassed tone, which made me smile.

I continued to walk and just then I realized she was struggling to rise at the same level with me.

"You're too tall for me," she remarked. "I think I'll have to wear heels," she meditated.

"Rose will be a great guide," I whispered knowing that she will hear me and I indicated with my eyes the shoes she wore. Like always…five inch heels, even when she was hunting.

"It seems like Alice had been right when she predicted that it will be a great day," Sonya uttered, looking for something in the distance.

"Yeah," I murmured and she smiled satisfied.

"So you had fun," she concluded. There was no point in denying it.

"Yeah, I had." Not like I used to have, but I had as much as possible.

I was about to turn back when I've seen Alice in Jasper's thoughts whitening for a second. My head snapped to her like we were connected with an invisible wire.

"Oh, great," I heard her moaning, but it wasn't a moan of despair. I could distinguish a trace of calmness and strange happiness in her voice. "Edward, Sonya…it's time to send messages," she called to us.


	13. Ride to insanity

**Chapter 13: Ride to insanity**

The vision in Alice's head was like a movie in slow motion. She was showing me every detail, even the last drop of blood spilled on the grass. My body seemed to melt under the overwhelming pressure of my fear and a gust of wind blew in my face taking away from me the last breath I could force out. I felt like I was suffocating inside me and for a split second I knew what was coming next. A veil of darkness fell on my eyes, numbing my senses and I was the prisoner of my own temporary incapacity.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to run, but in that damned second I could do nothing, except waiting. It was the first time when I really understood why I had those kinds of swoons. Because every cell of my body was terrified at the thought of Bella getting hurt. Even in the slightest way, I couldn't conceive something like that.

By the time I woke up from my unconsciousness, Emmett had already taken me to Alice, and every one of us scrutinized her expression. I wondered if she was really trying to get on my nerves with that almost happy face of hers or if she couldn't distinguish anymore between good and bad visions, but I didn't have the time to let my thoughts stray in that direction.

"When will it happen?" I asked, my voice so strong and angry that it surprised me.

"Twenty minutes. Thirty at the latest," she whispered, frowning at me. _"Why are you so agitated,"_ she asked me in her mind.

Oh…right. I had no reasons for being agitated. Just that my angel was going to hurt herself deliberately. Why on earth was she doing this? She'd just promised me that she will take care of herself. Why was she trying again to break that promise?

"Hey, slow down. Can you explain so we can understand too what you are talking about," Jasper required. I rolled my eyes angrily, letting Alice tell the story.

"I've just seen Bella riding a motorcycle. And as we all know her, this new experience will not end up well. She will…get herself hurt," Alice finished hesitantly, begging in her head for Jasper to calm me down.

Just the concept of waiting for her to hurt herself was beyond agony. How was I going to bear seeing her riding that bike and knowing exactly what was going to happen, and still do nothing? Or I could come back to her in that instant and make her keep her promise, but that would have meant that I was breaking my own promise.

"But she will be fine, right?" Emmett asked preoccupied, his euphoric mood gone.

"If fine means a cut on your forehead which is pouring blood, a visit to the ER and seven stitches…yeah, she'll be fine."

I knew Alice had no intention to make the situation worse for me, but her words cut through me like razors. Sharp and cold. The wound in my heart was bleeding and so was Bella going to do.

"I have to come back," I mumbled like a hypnotized man and their eyes met mine. I could see my reflection in their minds. I was like a man burning on a stake.

"You don't have to come back. Not in this situation," she said through gritted teeth. It was hard for her to dissimulate. She wanted more than anything to come back to Forks and if I was coming back she would be free to do the same. "Don't look at me like that. It's true that I want to come back, but not because you've been forced to. You will return if you feel is the right thing to do and we will be right behind you. Until then all of us will respect your decision. She'll be fine after she'll get seven stitches for her cut or you'll talk to her and maybe there won't be a need for stitches."

"And what will that help," I exploded. "What good will it do to her if she hears my voice? Will that keep her safe? I don't think so."

"You don't think so because you don't open your eyes to see. Of course it will be good for her if she hears your voice. She'll know that you still care about her." Again her words froze me in place. The pain was crushing me for the hundredth time with even more power.

Back then, when I'd told Bella that I didn't want her anymore I expected her to think I was joking. I thought I was going to lie to her for hours to make her believe what I was saying, but she believed my lie instantly. That hurt as much, if not more than it hurt to let her go. It hurt because she'd let me go. Now I was feeling once more the pain of realizing that Bella believed I didn't loved her. Like that was possible.

I tried to forget my pain and concentrate only on what I was supposed to do, even if I wasn't sure if it was going to work. I lifted my eyes to the sky and I prayed to God with all the power that was left in me. Of course, he wouldn't listen to me, but I had the consolation that I was praying for the most beautiful and caring person on earth. He had to listen to my words.

I let myself fall beside the nearest tree and I took in every part of the vision. It was tormenting to see Bella mounting the bike and riding it for the first time at full velocity. Every time the vision came at the point when she was going to fall from that bike I wasn't able to breathe anymore and the fury was boiling inside me. Alice was beside me moving her fingers on my arm in gentle strokes, but I couldn't pay attention to her.

"Why is she seeking danger?" I finally snapped, sensing the agony clear on my face, and both Alice and Sonya seemed to be startled by my sudden outburst. For a moment it was only silence and no one dared to answer, not that I expected an answer. It took me by surprise to feel Alice's hand clenching my arm and hear her flood of words deafening my ears

"Isn't that obvious," she cried exasperated. "I don't think I'll be mistaken in saying that she loves _you_ more than she loves _them_. In one way or another she does. Of course she would sacrifice her life for them, but she could live without them. With you, Edward it's different. She would die without you and I think this is more powerful than anything else. She's fading away little by little. Maybe when she lost you, she lost all reasons to live too."

The abyss was ripping wide in front of me, swallowing me up. I could take my pain and somehow deal with it, but I couldn't even imagine a world in which I could handle thinking about her pain. I couldn't accept that I caused her pain and in the bottom of my heart I knew Alice was right. I could feel it. But selfish as I was I had to deny it. I had to keep my mind away from that thought if I wanted to preserve my sanity. For a little while longer at least.

Hard as I tried and still my mind was drifting to Alice's words. I couldn't believe how insignificant it seemed all of a sudden what once had been the pillar of my faith. When I'd made her promise that she will take care of herself I felt the need to bind to the promise the responsibility she had for Charlie. And she'd promised that she won't do anything stupid or reckless and I believed her entirely because I knew she couldn't do anything that would hurt Charlie or Renee. The only hope I'd had left was based on that belief, but now…Now my whole world was falling apart. Now I could see clearly that she wasn't bound to that promise anymore.

I choked as a sharp and unbearable thought crossed my mind. Had she forgotten me? The ground seemed to be trembling beneath me, but I could recognize the earthquake inside me. I had to remind myself that I needed to be focus now and not let my pain overwhelm me, but it was sucking the life out of me.

Was not this what I'd intended in the first place? Was not this what I'd wanted for her to do? Move on and have a happy life. So why now did I wish to be buried deep in the ground, to not feel, to not think…It was too much for me to endure and maybe because of that, in my heart had blossomed a glimmer of hope. What if it was like Alice had put it? What if she wanted me back?

My muscles froze and the world stopped for a second as I imagined Bella in my arms again, then everything happened in fast motion. It took me less than a second to tear up by the roots the tree behind me and smash it in another. Rose gave a snarl of annoyance as half of a branch hit her head, but everyone else remained silent looking at me. I was on the point of turning again into a wreck.

I couldn't hope that she still loved me, but in the same time I couldn't think about the possibility of not having her love anymore. It was awfully painful.

My eyes were searching deep in the forest, but they weren't going to find what I wanted to see. There were just trees, ferns and nothing that could catch my attention. After a moment, it surprised me to realize that I was staring in Jasper's eyes and he was staring back at me, pleading to let him comfort me and for once I gave up. The waves that he was sending to me were filling my whole body, but the effect was not as powerful as I wished it to be. Jasper's internal grimace confirmed me that I was a special case of masochism.

"_On everyone else would have worked perfectly, but on him…"_ his thought trailed off. Of course, on me it couldn't work properly. It was my sentence to feel this pain. It was the only thing that could prove me that I was alive and I had to suffer to keep Bella safe. This should have been stamped in my mind from long ago.

"You can't feel that way," Jasper whispered disapprovingly.

He was right, but not in the way he meant it. I'd left Bella for her own good, destroying myself in that second, but now everything seemed without importance. I was far from her and she was going to hurt herself. She was going to be harmed and I couldn't do anything to protect her. How stupid could I be to wait to say some words to her? How could that help her in any way?

I held my breath and I turned my back to them squeezing my eyes, but there was no other solution for me. All I had was the time against me and my inexistent patience that was crumbling into pieces.

I opened my eyes again to see that I was as powerless as all my preys, but here, it wasn't my life at stake. It was Bella's which was infinitely more agonizing for me. I would have traded my life instantaneously if I had been able, but I had no life to trade. I was dead like the stone in front of me and by a bad joke from the destiny there were few ways in which I could be killed.

I crossed my hands behind my neck, lifting my eyes up to the sky. There was no hope for me. Just anguish, anxiety and helplessness.

"God," I whispered under my breath, not helping myself and I stood like that for who knows how long. When I heard Alice's voice I jumped in place.

"There are three more minutes," she announced me, putting her little white hand on my shoulder. I gently patted it, looking for her eyes. To my excruciating agony they were serene. "Calm down," she whispered, but she knew I couldn't do that. Not until I knew Bella was safe and she wasn't going to be.

I counted the seconds as I looked into Alice's focused face. Sonya moved by my side grabbing my arm and I abruptly turned my head to her. I was too worried for Bella to be able to control myself, but she had to know that I wouldn't hurt her no matter what the situation was.

"_I think it's better. To be sure,"_ she thought eying her grasp. I nodded, turning my head back to face Alice. Her eyes were closed, but fortunately her mind was fully opened to me. I counted in my mind the last seconds of my tormenting waiting and I was on the point of reaching out to Alice to beg her to see quicker what was happening. I was certainly going mad.

As my internal countdown was over, Alice's eyes popped up wide open and I could see through her eyes everything. Everything that I knew it was going to kill me.

I could have easily forgotten where I was if it hadn't been for Sonya's grip on my arm. That was the only thing that was keeping me in that forest. I tried to concentrate on the vision and hope that it was going to work. Just like the last time…

I froze when I heard a guy's voice. Who was he? His face seemed to be familiar, but I couldn't tell exactly who he was and in that moment I couldn't care a bit. There she was…my Bella. With her beautiful eyes, lips, hands…everything. I could almost smell her. I could taste her sweet scent on my tongue. A sigh escaped my lips and I realized I had to concentrate harder. It wasn't the moment for me to fall in the pool of my desires.

"_So are we going to ride or what?"_ the tall guy asked and even his voice seemed familiar. I could neither explain why I felt that strange antipathy against him nor why it felt normal.

"_Let's do it,"_ Bella answered. My body petrified and my head tried to function between the shock I felt to see again her face and my wild anxiety. I didn't know if I still was on this earth. It surely felt like hell. And the only angel that was there was going to be hurt. I flinched as more pain pierced my heart.

With just one gracious movement she climbed the bike. I couldn't help to think how sexy she looked like that. There was a tint of stubbornness on her face and even fear, but there was something more and it was driving me crazy because I couldn't read it.

She looked so fragile and helpless and uncertain when the bike began to move under her weight. It was clear for me that she had a hidden reason for wanting to ride a motorcycle and she wasn't doing this for pleasure's sake either. I frowned as the thought of her wanting to please that guy crossed my mind.

I hoped he wasn't as stupid as force her into doing something she didn't want to because he was going to run with his head between his legs if that was the case. Bella eyed the monster beneath her, under the scrutinizing stare of that guy and I could see how she was forcing herself to look ready. But she wasn't.

How many times had I told her she was a bad actress? Why was she trying to hide her true feelings and play the brave? And why that stupid guy was letting her drive?

"_Okay where's your clutch?"_ he finally inquired. Oh great. So she was only in preparatory stage and she wanted to ride already? When had she started liking those dangerous things? She used to be frightened by my driving and now she wanted to drive by herself something even more dangerous?

She pointed to the lever on her left handlebar, but seeing that, she, at least, knew the components of the bike, didn't have the comforting effect of lessening my anxiety. It was even worse. This was something that she'd learned. It was something premeditated.

Being a magnet for catastrophes, she couldn't afford to be unfocused, but to my utter desperation she already was. With an inattentive gesture she let go of the grip and the motorcycle began quivering under her. For a second her face was covered in a fearful expression as she didn't know what to do to keep the bike steady. I enjoyed that in the same time I was terrified by it. Why didn't she stop playing with my heart?

She grabbed the handle again with a slight frown between her brows, focusing now, but it was not enough for me.

"_Jacob, it won't stay up,"_ she moaned and I couldn't breathe right. Whether it was the emotion of hearing her voice or the fact that I'd finally recognized the guy, I was trembling convulsively. Quicker than I expected I felt calmed down, but the sensation wasn't coming from the core of my being. It was coming from Jasper.

Jacob…Jacob…why hadn't I realized before? Obviously, he was Jacob Black, grandson of Ephraim Black and in all probability, my enemy. I gasped as all my instincts warned me that he was taking something away from me. He was stealing my Bella. I gasped again, knowing that Bella was not mine anymore and consequently he couldn't steal her from me. It was too painful to bear that in that second, but more painful it was to know that she was free to choose him. She was free to love him.

"You can't know that," Jasper interrupted me. In his voice was a note of irritation that I could think about something like that and he almost sounded like he was defending Bella. In the same time he was trying to convince me I was wrong. Maybe I was or maybe not. The uncertainty, however, was killing me.

"_It will when you're moving. Now where's your brake?"_ he continued the interrogatory.

"_Behind my right foot."_ It was unbelievable that I could still fell like I was freezing. She couldn't use that brake, for crying out loud.

"_Wrong,"_ he promptly contradicted her. The ease I felt was almost imperceptible. He took her right hand and curled her fingers around the lever over the throttle. I was so selfish that I felt a stinging ache inside me when he'd touched her.

"_But you said,"_ Bella began to argue, but he cut her off.

"_This is the brake you want,"_ he instructed. _"Don't use the back brake now, that's for later, when you know what you're doing."_ It was so easy for me to read her face. She couldn't fool me. Under her brave mask there was fear, and maybe something that I couldn't put my finger on, but surely there was fear. Why didn't he understand? She was never going to be prepared to use the back brake. Her apprehensive expression confirmed it.

"_That doesn't sound right,"_ she complained with an all-or-nothing expression on her face. _"Aren't both brakes kind of important?"_

_"Forget the back brake, okay?"_ he said than he moved closer to her, muttering _"Here,"_ then he wrapped his hand around hers squeezing the lever down. _"That's how you brake. Don't forget,"_ and he squeezed unnecessarily her hand once more.

"_Fine,"_ she agreed in her characteristic voice when someone else was winning over her stubbornness.

"_Throttle,"_ the guy asked and she twisted the right grip_. "Gearshift,"_ he continued and Bella prodded with her left calf. I had to admit that she new the parts, but was she going to put those into practice. _No, _my mind shrieked.

"_Very good,"_ he congratulated her. _"I think you've got all the parts down. Now you just have to __get __it moving."_

"_Uh-huh,"_ she whispered bleakly. God, why wasn't she stopping this entire masquerade if she was so afraid?

_"I want you to hold down the clutch,"_ he told her on a commanding tone which I disliked, but I had to be rational. He was right. _"Now this is crucial, Bella,"_ he insisted. _"Don't let go of that, okay? I want you to pretend that I've handed you a live grenade. The pin is out and you are holding down the spoon."_ The kid's imagination surprised me. It was a comparison I would have chosen too if I had let her drive that bike. Unfortunately for her, with me that would have never happened.

Bella squeezed the clutch tighter and out of the blue the vision ended. My hands caught Alice in a second and my eyes were locked with hers.

"Come on, Alice, concentrate. Please do it," I begged. Why in the world her vision should have ended in that second? When my true torture was supposed to begin. Was I such a monster that I had to be submitted to the agonizing pain of not knowing what was happening to Bella in those moments?

She closed her eyes pressing them with her fists, but it was useless. She couldn't restart the vision from where it had ended. I knew better than begin screaming or throwing things around her. Usually, silence was helping her so I kept my mouth shut waiting for her to show me what I was craving. Meanwhile, I felt like I was dying inside.

"Please, Alice," I whispered lifelessly.

Jasper was by her side stroking her back and sending waves of comfort to her. I didn't know if it helped or not, but her hands fell down in her lap and she remained motionless.

"Alice," Jasper whispered encouragingly under his breath, kissing her temple and in that instant her head snapped up and her eyes opened wide, finding mine immediately. Jasper froze by her side and I froze too as the vision continued.

"Thank you," I whispered almost inaudibly.

"_Are you sure you want to do this? You look scared."_ Finally he was noticing that.

"_I'm fine,"_ Bella lied, kicking the gearshift down one notch. Why had I hoped she will quit this stupidity?

"_Very good,"_ he congratulated for the second time like she needed to be encouraged into such a thing. "Now, very gently, ease up on the clutch." I was terrified to watch and my anger was boiling inside me. I was angry at Bella for risking her life, at _Jacob _for letting her risk her life and at me for leaving her alone to risk her life. And most of all I was angry that I was a vampire and that I couldn't save her from the dangers surrounding her as much as I wished.

The guy took a step away from the bike, giving Bella her space.

"_You want me to let go of the grenade?"_ she asked in disbelief. If I hadn't known how this story was going to end maybe I would have laughed at her expression. I couldn't be mad at her as much as I tried. Now all my anger was directed to me.

"_That's how you move, Bella,"_ he explained. _"Just do it little by little." Don't do it, don't…please don't,_ I kept begging in my mind, but apparently wishful thinking was not working for me.

She began to loosen her grip and my desperation and anger reached their limit. I was seething on the inside and on the outside, forcing Sonya to increase the pressure of her grip.

"This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella," I finally burst and she gasped letting go of the clutch. Had she heard me? I tried to suppress the emotion I felt. It wasn't the moment for that.

The bike threw her on the ground and I had to keep from screaming as it fell half on top of her.

"_Bella, are you hurt,"_ Jacob asked her, jolting the bike off her. It seemed too easy for a human to do that.

"I told you so," I murmured icily. Only if she knew how hard it was for me to see her getting hurt of her own accord and not be able to do anything.

"_Bella,"_ Jacob shook her shoulder, too brutal for my liking.

"_I'm fine,"_ she muttered without looking at him. I had to fight back the emotion of knowing that she'd really heard me.

"_Did you hit your head,"_ he asked still preoccupied, but Bella didn't seem to even notice him. I could say she was almost happy for some reason.

"_I don't think so,"_ she answered uninterested, but checking to calm Jacob_. "I didn't hurt the bike, did I?"_ So her biggest problem was to keep the bike safe, not herself. A new flood of anger invaded me and a threatening hiss escaped my mouth. I hoped that Sonya hadn't sent that too.

"_No. You just stalled the engine. You let go of the clutch too fast."_

"_Let's try again,"_ she said with a weird enthusiasm on her face.

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Positive."_ To my anguish, the fear from her features was gone. Maybe, my message hadn't had the effect I intended. A new kind of torture ached in my heart, but I couldn't dwell on that. I had to keep going.

She was too stubborn to relinquish her idea to drive and too eager to make the bike move. I closed my eyes, squeezing the bridge of my nose with all the anger that was whirling inside me. I could still read Alice's mind.

Bella jumped obstinately on the pedal to slam it down, but every time she did so, the bike was about to fall again. The image of Jacob being ready to catch her caused the resurrection of the monster inside me. How could I be that selfish to want to smack his head in that instant? He was only trying to help Bella.

"_Easy on the clutch,"_ he warned when the engine roared to life. They both smiled and behind those smiles I could read a deep familiarity. My insides swirled and I felt like thousands blocks of concrete fell on top of me. She was going to drive it. She really was going to do this foolishness voluntarily.

"Do you want to kill yourself, then? Is that what this is about?" I spit out as the rage devoured me. I thought I'd seen a trace of a smile on her face, but apparently the intensity of my fury was blinding. "Go home to Charlie," I tried to order, but it sounded almost like a supplication.

"_Ease off slowly,"_ Jacob instructed. He was definitely getting on my nerves.

"_I will,"_ I heard her voice saying and my eyes popped up open in confusion. Had she answered me? I trembled with that exquisite feeling that she might have answered me, but I became stone still again when I realized that the answer wasn't addressed to me.

My entire body quivered convulsively, like millions of knives were cutting into my soul, and I couldn't control myself anymore. I growled wrathfully, but that didn't seem to affect her. She relaxed her hand by tiny degrees beginning her ride, far from protection or safety.

As the wind blew in her face, a mixture of feelings crossed her features. She seemed happy and satisfied, but something totally different stood out from all her emotions. She was defiant. But, hasn't she understood already that by defying death she was killing me?

Her foot moved toward the gearshift and I was sure what she wanted to do. I could hear in my ears the wind whizzing past her like a funeral song. Like's death voice. She stepped on the gas, driving at full speed to my own personal insanity. That was the eve of my destruction and she was the angel of my death.

"No, Bella," I cried furiously, dying inside. "Watch what you're doing!"

As soon as she took notice of the danger that was waiting for her, she panicked. She was looking desperately for the brakes and instinctively she pushed with her right foot on the brake that she shouldn't have used. The bike began to wobble as it was heading too fast to the green wall. I couldn't watch anymore, but I was forced to do it. She tried to turn the handlebar the other direction and that was the worse move she could have made. The bike threw Bella to the ground, to my absolute horror, landing on top of her. I was growling madly as her head hit the trunk of a tree. She was hurt. She was bleeding. And I could only stare at that. In that precise moment I hated myself and my nature more than ever.

The impact of her awful landing made her dizzy and weak. I could sense the haze in which she was moving. I couldn't breathe, knowing that this time it was really happening. That Bella was hurt…

"_Bella,"_ Jacob screamed, running to her and snatching the bike off her. She rolled over gasping for air and I remained dumbfounded at her sight.

"_Wow,"_ she murmured. Why on earth did she have that stupid satisfied look on her face? Was it such a pleasure to have near death experiences?

"_Bella,"_ he called again checking on her with anxious moves. _"Bella, are you alive?"_

"_I'm great. Let's do it again,"_ she said enthusiastic. For the sake of all that's holy, what was in her mind? Didn't she feel the blood pouring from her cut?

"_I don't think so,"_ he quickly opposed to the idea. "I _think I'd better drive you to the hospital first."_ _Yeah and quickly,_ I thought.

"_I'm fine,"_ she uttered like a spoiled kid.

"_Um, Bella? You've got a huge cut on your forehead and it's gushing blood," _he informed her. It was gushing too much blood actually.

She lifted her hand to touch her forehead and her surprise grew when she realized Jacob was right. I was expecting her to faint every second now.

"_Oh, I'm so sorry, Jacob,"_ she apologized, pushing with all her force against the cut like she wanted to stop the blood from seeping. Her reaction shocked me. It left me immobilized. My mind began to search for reasons why she'd done that, but Alice interrupted my meditation.

"Edward I can't keep it for much longer," she spoke in a low voice through her gritted teeth, emphasizing each word.

I didn't say anything as I watched my last image of Bella. Jacob wrapped an arm around her waist pulling her to her feet. _"Let's go. I'll drive,"_ he murmured and the vision faded as Alice clenched her fingers in her hair. She was dangerously close to exploding point.

I was still worried and the pain of not knowing, not feeling Bella's presence was destroying me inside, but now I had to watch over Alice. After all, I knew what was next. _A visit to the ER and seven stitches_, like Alice had said.

Firstly I tried to calm myself and then I had to make the more difficult job of calming her. When it came to the point of criticizing her visions she was her own worst enemy.

"Why I can't see," she kept whispering as she moved back and forth like she was in a trance. She was so fragile now. I didn't like to see her in that posture, especially when it was my fault.

"Sweetheart, you've made a great job," Jasper murmured in her ear, but she didn't pay any attention to him. She was killing her brain to see more, to show me more.

These were the moments when I could see how far Alice was ready to go for me. Even hurting herself. But I couldn't permit it.

"No, Jazz, no. I have to see more." Now I really was scared. Did she fall into a trance? Because her comportment definitely looked like it.

I knelt beside her, feeling like my mind would burst out from the pain I felt. Pain of hurting Bella. Pain of hurting Alice. Why hadn't I already gotten used to that? I was hurting everyone around me.

"Stop, Alice," I begged. I couldn't deal anymore with her being so broken. "You've seen enough. More than enough," I told her in a thankful tone.

"Aren't you mad?" she asked childishly.

"How could I be mad when you saved me again from going crazy? No, Alice I'm not mad. I'm grateful, actually." I tried to smile despite my still vivid anxiety, but her eyes were a pool of confusion.

"She'll be alright. The Black kid will drive her to the ER and she'll be fine. I promise. I swear, Edward." She'd talked so fast that even a vampire had to concentrate to catch her every word.

Jasper eyed me anxiously. He couldn't handle this part of Alice. It was burning him inside to see her suffering and not do anything. Just like it had burned me. I could feel his pain like my own. I pointed with my eye to her. It was now one of those cases when I was grateful to Jasper for having his gift.

"I know, Alice." I finally told her as Jasper tried to calm her. "I believe you." She looked deep in my eyes and I almost believed that she was going to have another vision, but she was absorbing Jasper's comfort. She was breathing in his love, the only thing that could make her feel better.

She focused her eyes on his and we stood in silence as they talked to each other only with their eyes. The love that the two of them were emanating was intoxicating. It was one of the few things that could save the world from downfall. Seeing them I couldn't believe any longer that vampires were fated to be monsters. They were angels.

When she moved her eyes away from Jasper's face, she pressed her little hands on her eyes, still irritated with herself.

"_I should see more…I'm such a plague,"_ she thought internally.

"You should never feel like that again. You're not a plague. You're my everything. You're the reason why I'm still living on this world," Jasper sighed softly in her ear, brushing his lips against her cheek.

I leaned forward to lift her head and find her eyes. Besides Esme, Alice was the only vampire that could make you believe that she was crying when she was sad. She looked at me sheepishly, not daring to keep her eyes fixed on mine for too long.

"Let's take a walk, Alice," I whispered as I caressed her shoulder. Jasper nodded a little reluctant.

"_Take care of her,"_ he thought and I nodded in my turn.

Just when I moved my arm to wrap it around Alice's waist I realized that Sonya was still gripping it. Hard. My head snapped to her and she quickly removed her hand from my arm like I'd startled her.

"I'm sorry," she murmured taken aback. I couldn't think about the possibility of her not being able to send my message to Bella. Yeah, I knew she was almost okay now, but still I needed desperately to know that Bella had heard me. "Message sent," she said trying to give me a small smile. I couldn't even mirror that.

"Thank you," I muttered and then I turned to Alice. I definitely had to talk to Sonya later.


	14. Memories of April sun

**Since I've began to write on a new fanfiction from Alice's point of view I thought it would be nice to make a connection between the two stories and here is the result. I'm surprised to see that I've reached chapter 14 and I still have some ideas to write down. **

**The next chapter is the chapter that I've been waiting for since I began to write the whole story and I think it will take me even more time to write it. I just wish to be able to put into words what I see in my mind.**

**Chapter 14: Memories of April sun**

All the time we walked through the ferns I kept my arm around Alice's waist. I was afraid that she'd fall if I removed it. She looked so fragile and helpless and I had to be the though one. I had to be the one who would pull us out from that suffocating anxiety.

I wanted to comfort her, but I was running out of words and I was almost afraid to speak. It seemed that the silence surrounding us was a protective shield to our mind. I tightened my grip on her waist, holding her closer to me and she lifted her eyes to find mine. As I met her stare I found peace. I could sense that we remained alone in the woods, just me and her like we used to.

"They went to the cars," she whispered and I nodded to indicate her that I knew it already. She tried to smile, but all she could do was twist her face into a painful grimace. I sighed, infuriated for what I'd succeeded in doing to her once more and I carried her to the nearest stump of a tree, sitting with her in my lap.

I froze with her in my arms, incapable of comforting her as I wished I could. Her eyes were closed and the pain was smoldering on her face while a frown of despondency kept her brows tied together. My fingers made their way to her frown, trying to smooth her features, but she remained still like a statue as she made her best to see more. Somewhere inside me I was hoping for her to see anything that could put me out of my misery, but for once in my wretched existence I had to truly think of her first.

Still, for a moment I couldn't resist but let my own anguish eat me up, devour my heart and soul, with my eyes fixed upon Alice's face. She kept her eyes shut under my unfocused scrutiny, but she was watching every twist of my features in her head. And she was painfully blaming herself. I'd tried to convince myself that Bella was going to be fine and that Jacob will take care of her before I forced myself to speak with Alice.

A soft sigh escaped my lips and she shuddered in my lap, not opening her eyes yet. I frowned at that, but when I spoke, the words came more delicate than I expected and I was glad for that.

"Alice, please, open your eyes," I managed to whisper and timidly her eyes shimmered open. It killed me to see the pain reflected in them, pain that I'd inflicted. "Please, stop thinking and feeling like that," I begged and again she looked puzzled. Was I such a terrible brother who had never understood her that she was looking at me like that? All her unexplained amusement from early on when she'd had for the first time the vision was buried and forgotten.

"I don't understand you," she muttered the words, breaking twice. "I have more and more holes in my visions. They end exactly when I need to see more. I miss things that I shouldn't. I hurt you when I just want to make it easier for you. I'm a total mess," she finished sobbing uncontrollably in my arms, shaking me with her.

"Stop, Alice, stop," I begged again. I couldn't deal with her like that. Now it was my turn to make it better for her and I had no clue of what I should do or say and I decided that speaking with my heart was the best way to go. "I can't bear to see you like that," I moaned, sensing her body relax little by little. "Not when I know it's my fault. You've always helped me get through my life and I've never thanked you how I should have. I've never returned your many favors. Actually, what I've succeeded in doing is hurting you every time you tried to do something for me. That can't go on, Alice. I can't be a witness anymore to the happiness that's fading out from your eyes. I can't deal with that." I muttered the last words separately through my clenched teeth, but that didn't help me to hide my broken voice.

"That's not true," she burst, her eyes shocked and her mouth hanging open in surprise. I tried not to make this discussion about me, but it was all about me. It was all my fault, just like always.

"No, Alice. Let me say it. It's my fault that this family is suffering. I'm the one who forced you all leave your…our home. I'm guilty for the constant sadness in your eyes, Esme's eyes, Carlisle's eyes. How long has it passed since Emmett, Jasper and I had a good time?" I asked rhetorically, but she didn't care. She answered anyway.

"Less than two hours," she answered in an irritated voice.

"I'm the one who messed all up and despite everything, every one of you is still protecting me from suffering more," I continued, not paying attention to her interference. "For God's sake, how am I supposed to ever repay you for what you've done for me? I can be only grateful for your help, Alice. You've not only made my existence bearable, but you've inflicted in my life some kind of hope that I've never thought I'll have again. So don't tell me you're a mess or that you are hurting me. You should not apologize for anything to me and to anyone. I should be the one apologizing. You're the heart of this family, Alice. Without you, I'm not sure I would have made it here. Not sane, anyway."

She stood motionless for a second inspecting my features as I inspected hers and she looked like she was about to cry. With her I didn't need to be Jasper to understand her feelings. Every emotion was clearly imprinted upon her face and now the mixture of feelings I could read in her eyes was overwhelming. I could have drowned in her eyes and die a happy man. Her unconditional love for me it had never ceased to surprise me and its force was healing scars inside me that until now it had bled incessantly.

"Edward," she sighed my name, grabbing me in her arms and stifling me in her loving embrace. "I couldn't have made it without you either," she whispered in my ear.

I let myself enjoy fully the exquisite sensation of having her in my arms, forgetting about everything else or almost about everything. Because it didn't matter what I was doing. Bella was always there in my heart, in my mind, in the centre of my existence. And Alice was right beside her.

"Can you do me one more favor," I finally asked in a casual voice, though I needn't have said it out loud because she already knew, but I had the necessity of making it clear. "Could you promise me that you'll never hurt yourself over me? That you'll never suffer because of me?" She moaned and loosened her grip on me, withdrawing her head so as to lock her eyes with mine. I couldn't believe how dominant that stare could be and I almost needed to close my eyes, but somehow she forced me to keep them open.

"You know I can't do that," she barely murmured, closing her eyes and letting mine to close too.

"You have to," I implored her, squeezing painfully my eyes, but she didn't say a word. "Please, Alice," I asked again and again no word from her. I opened my eyes to make sure that she was still in my arms. And she was…standing like a thoughtful fairy with her arms crossed in her lap.

"Do you have in mind the first time we've met? It was spring, remember?" she suddenly asked, keeping her eyes shut which gave her an even more innocent air.

"Yeah," I barely whispered, confused at the way our discussion was developing. She opened her eyes, studying for an instant my face then she gave me a natural smile, the smile she'd had on her face the first time I saw her. I responded with a smile too, not being sure if it was the kind of smile I wanted to have in that moment. She closed again her eyes, leaning her head upon my chest with her ear pressed on the place my heart once beat.

Of course, I had in mind that day. Maybe then it had been the true beginning of my existence. And thinking about it I realized that I'd expected it for months before it happened.

_The dawn was breaking to my utter relief and a light was shining in the distance of my eternity. I kept my eyes out the window on the forest surrounding the house as I'd done the whole night. Motionless, lifeless, useless, I was lying on my couch without any desire to lift up from there. I run through my mind to find something to cling to so I can keep my mind busy, but it was hopeless even to try. I was tired and bored to death by my very existence and that was going to be just the beginning of my journey in the cold darkness of life. I was living through a moonless night._

_Like an old man I managed to rise to my feet and jump from my window exactly in front of the back door. I was surprised to see that I've been burrowing more and more habits from Emmett since he came in our lives. And most of them were not so civilized to be honest. As I made my way to the living room, Emmett was descending the stairs with a huge grin on his face, which left dimples on his cheeks, joining the rest of the family. I nodded in their direction and I took my usual sit, on the piano bench._

_Playing Esme's favorite song, I was stepping into a new day of monotonous hours and seconds with my mind worn-out of so many trivial thoughts. I let my fingers touch the keys as my eyes found Esme's fascinated face and I couldn't suppress the smile on my face, like I couldn't suppress the strange feeling that was whirling inside me. I used to be dead inside ever since I've been turned, but now something was different. Like a point of light was rising for me. Like something essential was going to happen._

_I couldn't help but feel anxious by the second like I was reacting to a weird kind of premonition, a premonition that only my body had knowledge of it. The song was flowing and no one beside Carlisle noticed my increasing hesitations. When I considered I'd had enough of playing for the morning I turned to my audience composed of Esme and smiled at her._

"_You're mesmerizing, Edward," she declared breathless and I would have blushed if that had been possible._

"_Thank you," I muttered hugging her._

"_So the concert is over," Emmett said in a false tone of disappointment and I rolled my eyes at his poor attempt to appear sad because of that. "Dude, why are you not composing something for me," he suddenly exploded, almost making Esme jump. He looked at me like an excited kid with an expression that would have fooled everyone that he really wanted a song for himself. I arched an eyebrow in disbelief, as Carlisle, Esme and Rose chuckled silently, and he twisted his lower lip like a cry-baby, that being the drop that filled the glass. I burst into laughter and the whole house was echoing around me._

"_You don't represent a source of inspiration for my music," I replied between laughs._

"_You're wounding my soul," he moaned leaning his head on Rose's breast, who patted him gently on his shoulder._

"_Don't cry my lover," she soothed him jokingly._

"_I see you're consoling yourself very good, though," I trailed off, my breath being taken away by a new round of laughter._

_I teased him for a while longer as he teased me back and I prepared my mind to take over the day which of course I couldn't expect to be different from the others, but that feeling that didn't want to disappear from my heart was warning me of something I couldn't distinguish. I rolled my eyes in exasperation when I thought no one could see me and I jumped to my feet in time to avoid to get pissed off of something without importance._

"_I should hunt," I muttered, smoothing down my white button down shirt._

"_Who," Emmett asked surprised and the words flew out from my mouth without being able to stop them._

"_You," I said, smirking stupidly._

"_Do I sense some kind of challenge," he inquired skeptically. "Are you trying to offer yourself as my toy for the day and you are too shy to say it aloud," he spoke the words like a tornado was behind him and was threateningly close to break out into his usual booming laughter. I frowned, slowly shaking my head, like I was trying to say "I don't know what you're talking about," and he watched me for one more second then erupted like the primitive he was into a deafening laughter._

"_Like you could make me your toy," I sneered closing my eyes. He knew that I could perfectly wait for him with my eyes shut and I would still know what he was about to do. That it had always exasperate him and it was one of my favorite past times to annoy him._

_He moved slowly by my side putting his right hand on my shoulder as I opened my eyes chuckling. I looked into his eyes, feeling the grin on my face spread wider and when he couldn't manage to see my face anymore he distorted his features in a funny grimace, making me laugh again._

"_So," he began in a serious voice, not helping me to stop laughing. "What do you want to bet that I'll beat your ass this time?" I looked at him for a moment, calculating my possibilities, then I answered._

"_You dress like a woman for a week and you show your astounding beauty in public," I finished laughing uncontrollably just at the thought of him wearing a skirt and the others laughed along with me._

"_OK," he muttered slightly discontented with my choice. "But if I win, my brother, and I will, you'll dress like a girl for the whole month," he exaggerated like always and I nodded confidently. We shook hands, then he turned us both back to face our family, stating with gravity:_

"_My dear, family, my brother and I are a little busy at the moment. We have to hunt. So we'll see you in a few," he finished wrenching me after him._

_I followed him out of the door without putting resistance and as soon as we were outside I jumped on his back, almost knocking him to the ground. I needed just that split second of him losing his balance to outrun him. He hissed behind me some words of my origins, which only succeeded in making me chuckle. If I was getting on his nerves from now, I was on the right track. I laughed wholeheartedly running faster and making his game. I didn't want to win our little competition for glory's sake as much as I wanted to win it to have the chance to see his face afterwards. Just the thought made me burst into laughter and the entire forest laughed along with me._

_In less than ten minutes, after avoiding Emmett's every attempt to jump at my throat and letting him wrestle alone, I was rolling on the ground of laughter and he was staring disgusted at me. I'd never said I would be fair. Not that I could, anyway. My extra-hearing resulted to be in my advantage for once and he was fuming with rage that I'd beaten him once again._

"_Dude, I can't help it," I muttered between laughs._

"_You're a moron cheater," he cried heatedly. "You wouldn't even be able to move one thread of my hair if you didn't hear what goes through my mind."_

"_Your fur," I corrected him and he snarled slyly at me preparing to jump again in my direction, but I evaded his strong arms exactly in the second he crushed to the ground._

"_Oh, don't get mad," I said sarcastically as I lifted into a straight position and immediately he was on my heels, but to his increasing fury I was always a step ahead of him._

"_Seriously now, do you honestly believe you'll catch me," I asked, my voice colored in disbelief. "You know I'm faster than you are." Of course, it wouldn't have had any effect if I hadn't put the due emphasis on the last words. He couldn't stand that someone could be better than him, no matter in what aspect._

_I kept on running and enjoying the day. I'd almost forgotten about my strange feeling from early on. It shocked me, froze me in place when I got in hearing's range and I could take notice of Carlisle disrupted thoughts. I chocked for air as I moved to the next member of my family, focusing on Esme's thoughts. She was terrified, but not for herself. She was frightened that our family could be destroyed. In that second I observed the new figures in their minds. Someone was there, someone unknown…_

"_Vampires," I whispered in the second Emmett threw me to the ground._

"_Gotcha," he yelled with satisfaction. I didn't pay attention to him. I rose to my feet without even turning my head to him. I could feel the anxiety boiling inside me and I could feel that I was unable to do anything. "What the he…" he trailed off when he caught a glimpse of my dead face. He knew me well enough to realize that the sudden unease on my face was not the result of our game. It was something much more serious. "What's going on," he asked, taking a tense position beside me._

"_We have visitors," I answered. "Vampires. We have to come back now."_

_I didn't have time to finish my sentence that he darted toward the house, forcing himself to run faster than ever. All he though about was Rose and all I could think of was my family. I run at full speed, but the air seemed to suffocate me, to hinder me from reaching my destination._

I chuckled silently as I remembered my stupid overreaction and I run my fingers through my hair to clutch on to the present day and my purpose of being here in the forest with Alice.

"And do you have any idea what that day represents to me," she finally asked, breaking the silence of my meditation. I lifted her chin to find her eyes, but she didn't say anything more. She just remembered and then I let myself drown in her memory.

"_It was April,"_ she pointed out in her mind. Seeing that day through her thoughts it seemed that I'd never lived it. It was so much beautiful. I'd never imagined how many things I missed before I met Bella. Those days I couldn't appreciate a sunny spring morning or a sunset, I couldn't smell the flowers or hear the birds' songs.

My existence had been so meaningless that everything around me lost its value. Until I met Alice. She was the first to show me that there was more than blood and doom. She showed me that there was love out there. Even for me. She kept me alive all those years to prove me that I was capable of love.

Everything was green around them as they drew near Forks. Watching like a spectator their approach they seemed to be dancing. The chemistry between them was stunning, like a heart split in two. One without the other would have been senseless.

Alice, dressed in a short sleeve summer dress, walked along Jasper holding hands and always watching his face. The adoration in their eyes was from another world. It couldn't exist on this world, but still it did. He moved so easily around her, but yet the movement seemed to be unwilling, like he was dragged in Forks.

Later I understood this little mystery. He wasn't sure about our way of living or if he could survive without drinking human blood. He was apprehensive toward us, but he was ready to do anything that Alice wanted. And Alice wanted us. Out of all the vampires in the world she'd seen her life with us and she didn't think twice. She had immediately set out to look for us.

With every step they took they got closer to our home. It seemed strange and stupid that once we've feared that they may represent a danger for us. It looked so normal their arrival now. Like someone waited for too long.

"_They will accept us,"_ she whispered to him lovingly. I couldn't imagine Jasper startled by anything except Alice's voice. Every time she spoke a thrill rushed through his whole body, feeling the desperate need to have her in his arms. Just like I did with Bella. Just like Em did with Rose. And after all this time all of us felt the same.

He leaned his head to kiss her lightly on her lips, but didn't answer. He was totally focused on reading our emotions, the emotions of their new family. Years of craving and hatred were like a scar on his face, twisting his features in pain. Only Alice's love could erase that and he was deadly in love with her. He walked along her like a blind man guided by an angel of light. He trusted her completely.

The house that seemed to be deserted stood out in front of them and Alice lifted on her tiptoes kissing Jasper once more.

"_You have no idea how much I love you,"_ she murmured softly making him chuckle.

"_I can feel all your love. That's why I am here. That's why I don't feel like a monster anymore."_

She gave him a tender smile than guided him toward the house.

"_Let's go. Edward and Emmett will be back soon."_

I couldn't stop myself from laughing. After all those years it still seemed unbelievable how she'd known all of us before we even met.

She danced cheerfully by his side trying to loosen his aura, but I could tell she hadn't succeeded in doing so. By the time they reached the door everyone had felt them coming but not even vampire ears could distinguish movements in the house. Jasper arched an eyebrow like he was asking Alice _"Don't you think it's better to knock?"_ and she rolled her eyes keeping their hands grasped together as she made their entrance.

Despite the enormous love I had for Alice I was compelled to admit that she didn't look so sane by bursting into people's homes and greeting them all by their names. Of course, she'd know all this, but she couldn't care less.

In all her glory she'd sprang into Esme's arms, who froze in astonishment, before Carlisle even got up from his chair, like she was meeting her mother after a long time of separation.

"_Esme,"_ she chimed gracefully. _"Carlisle…Rose. We're glad we've found you. We'll be so happy together."_ Everyone looked in shock at them both, but Alice seemed to ignore their frightful expressions. _"Mmm…Edward and Emmett will arrive in just three minutes,"_ she gave them the last blow.

Carlisle was the first to come to his senses after those unforeseen events and took a defensive position in front of Esme and Rose, which hurt Alice's feelings. Even if she'd never told me, I could notice how her face fell and retreated two steps, joining Jasper's side for support. Maybe then, it had been the first time when she doubted that we'll accept them. Jasper frowned taking a step forward and looking Carlisle in the eyes.

"_My name is Jasper Whitlock. She is my wife, Alice."_ His features soften as soon as he muttered Alice's name, but Carlisle didn't lose sight of him. I knew what had preoccupied him the most. Jasper was covered in battle scars and he seemed more than dangerous for our monotonous life. Besides, their unannounced arrival and the fact that they knew all of us were beyond doubt scary.

"_What can we do for you since I see you know us very well,"_ Carlisle spoke in a wary tone measuring every move around him. He wasn't the fighter type. He would have done everything possible to avoid fights, but his family was more important than anything else. If it was necessary he would protect it at the expense of his life.

"_We're here for peaceful reasons. I can sense you are scared by our sudden appearance, which maybe wasn't the most appropriate of all,"_ he said rolling his eyes at Alice, who stuck her tongue out at him, _"but we're here to join your coven if it's possible."_

"_Family,"_ Carlisle corrected surprised.

In that moment Emmett and I had landed by their sides, me in front of Esme, by Carlisle's right side, and Emmett in front of Rose wrapping her in his arms, still with his back at her. Everything happened at the blink of an eye. I've barely had time to straighten myself that Alice was in my arms whispering my name.

I remained still with my hands lifted by my side in a surrender gesture as she held me tight. I needed a second to remind myself that I could read her mind and solve the mystery. That was the first time I invaded her thoughts.

"_I was so anxious to meet you. I've seen you first than everyone else and I've seen that we'll be a happy family. I love you already,"_ she thought, then she remembered her visions.

Shock took over me as I watched her visions. All of us were together and enjoying ourselves. They were not a danger. They were the part of the family that had been absent for so long. My arms wrapped slowly around her waist and it felt like a normal gesture. Everyone gazed at us stunned, even Jasper.

She showed me exactly what I had to know. Who was she and who was Jasper. The fear of his scars vanished the moment I saw their first meeting, how Alice had expected him and how they'd fallen in love since the first touch. It was stupid to think that they wanted to harm us.

"_You've read my thoughts,"_ she inquired after a while, smiling and flying to Emmett's side to give him a loving hug. His eyes seemed to pop out of amazement.

"_Who's that?"_ he laughed internally.

"_I'm still reading your thoughts,"_ I answered back chuckling.

"_Good then,"_ she uttered satisfied. _"Then you know I'll stay in your room."_

My mouth fell open and my eyebrows rose without my accord. She was most probably joking. My room was my room and no one else's.

"_Well…it's called my room because it's mine to have,"_ I told her like a stubborn child. _"You can have the guest room."_

"_I don't like it. Yours has the best view."_

It had been surprisingly easy to have her around me since the first day. All I'd needed was to read her mind and then I knew she was my sister and that I could never live without her. Since the first moment we've fallen involuntary in our silent conversations and since then Emmett have been pissed off at us.

"_Could you enlighten us, the normal immortals, if you don't mind please,"_ he asked, folding his arms on his chest in a bored gesture. I motioned for Alice and Jasper to take a sit and tell their story.

Alice gladly _enlightened _them, speaking like she was being chased by barbarians, informing them about her gift of seeing the future and her vision of us. From time to time Jasper would cut in adding some details that Alice had missed or clarifying some things about his past and his ability. All seemed so natural. The entire atmosphere had changed completely. We were grateful that they'd chosen to live with us, eager to continue our existences with them so Alice's last question stunned us all. It made no sense after all the discussions.

"_So, we want to know if there is a chance for us to gain a place in your family? If we can stay with you?"_ her uncertainty was disarming.

"_Of course,"_ Esme whispered motherly. _"You are already part of the family." _Carlisle just nodded relieved that his assumptions had been wrong. _"Now, let's go upstairs to take over Edward's room,"_ Esme continued to my utter surprise. My head snapped up in disbelief.

"_I can't believe it,"_ I muttered as Rose and Emmett were dying of laughter. My attempt to look annoyed didn't move anyone, especially not Alice.

"_You'll love me, anyway,"_ she told me over her shoulder as she climbed the stairs along with Esme and Rose.

And she'd been right like always. I loved her more than my own life and I hated when she was beating herself up over me. I tried to understand why she remembered all those things only to recall that I'd asked her to promise me that she will never hurt herself over me and that she eluded the answer. I lifted her chin up to face me and she sighed resigned.

"That day represents the beginning of my life and since I've met you, I knew I loved you and that I'll always do. You can't even imagine how your eyes looked that day. So sincere and loving, but still hiding so much rage in their depths. I knew that all your hate can be healed. Just like Jasper's. I knew that by loving you, I will make you see the light at the end of the tunnel. So I vowed to myself that I'll always love and protect you. As strong and detached as you wanted to appear you couldn't fool me. In your core you were screaming for help and affection. You were weaker than a bird. And after all this time you finally found the light that had stayed away from your eyes for a century. I can't put it into words so you understand how immensely happy I am for you. Edward, this family is the reason I'm still living so don't tell me to not hurt myself over you. I'll always suffer when you do and I'll always try my best to make you happy. You can't change that."

What could I say to that? Nothing…nothing at all.

I embraced her tightly. Her bones would have turned to dust if she'd been human. I wasn't holding her anymore. Even if she was the one staying in my lap, she was holding me. Holding me in once piece like she'd always done. The wind was blowing in my face and I felt like it was whirling through my whole being, but I didn't move an inch.

"You've been right, Alice," I finally whispered. "I love you more than you can imagine."

"I think I have a pretty good idea," she whispered back. "Since I'm still living in your room." Her teasing clearly meant the end of our emotional moment. I chuckled quietly trying to get a grip of myself.

"So tiny and so annoying," I said under my breath, trying in my turn to lift the mood.

"And I have an eternity to annoy you," she smirked.

"Besides, she's perky too," I continued winking playfully at her and she tried to pinch my belly, which fortunately was too hard to feel anything.

It had passed less than ten minutes since we sat there holding each other, but it seemed an eternity of staying still. I rose to my feet putting her in a straight position and took her hand in mine. Jasper was without a doubt on thorns and it was time to put an end to his waiting.

We walked at a human pace, just holding hands and breathing in the moment, like nothing had ever happened, like we were returning from an enjoyable trip between brothers. The world died away as Bella's face appeared in front of my eyes. It was so clear like I could touch her if I reached out. A gasp escaped my lips in the exact moment when Alice's eyes went blank. I was dazzled by our synchronization, numbed by the vision in her head. For once, I didn't feel the need to keep from falling in the abyss of my pain. There was no use in hiding my pain now. For once, I wanted to drown in it, just to feel the sweetest ache of seeing Bella's face.

She stood motionless as Dr. Snow gave her an anesthetic and closed her cut with seven stitches, working patiently and carefully not to hurt her. I was so glued to her image and so grateful that after all she was alive that I hadn't noticed the presence of the intruder. I tried to impose to myself to see him otherwise than an intruder, but I couldn't change the way I felt. It was like a warning from my heart that alerted me of the danger he meant for me. I grew colder than I already was when I saw Bella's hand slid in his. He was holding her hand as she was bleeding and every part of that picture was normal. He was not fighting against every cell of his body not to jump at her throat and kill her. He was breathing her scent in without straining his whole body. He was there looking at her with loving eyes and Bella was returning that look. As soon as I grasped the information I felt all the pain filing up my body. A new kind of pain. Stronger. Sharper. Colder. Impossible to bear.

The vision in Alice's head came to an end or perhaps she'd stopped it intentionally, but the damage had been already done. I sighed the deepest sigh that had ever escaped from my chest. Now I knew the taste of disgrace. I knew and I felt in every bone of my body the flavor of ashes. I was defeated and my downfall was smiling at me with its ugliest smirk.

Alice eyed me with concern, but I couldn't force my lips into a smile to hide my pain. I was the captive of the most intolerable torture of all. The torture of really losing Bella. Everything I'd wanted for her, now it seemed to have become real. Maybe she'd finally found that someone perfect for her. That someone that will make her happy. And I was powerless, bound to let him live. The only option for me was to linger in the dark and watch her being happy together with that someone. And that someone was not me.

"_She moved on, she moved on, she moved on…_" I kept repeating in my mind, but the knowledge that she might be happy didn't have any amelioration on me. I was still destroyed without a hope to recover from this last blow.

I closed my eyes focusing my attention on Jacob Black. The man that was stealing my life and the man that I had to protect even if it went against every instinct I had. Because if Bella loved him I had to keep him alive for her, despite how much I suffered. Even in the deepest of my miseries I couldn't think of hurting Bella.

He was a normal guy that could so easily hurt her and break her heart. I gulped, remembering that I'd been the first to break her heart and that I had no right in judging him. But how could I not judge him when the happiness of my Bella was at stake. He was weak and powerless against all the dangers that could threaten her life, but most of all he was human. Normal. He could offer her a safe life without being afraid that he could kill her at any second.

Feeling the stinging wounds of sharp claws penetrating my soul I had to admit that Jacob Black could be her perfect match. Her future…her everything. And that I had no place in that future. I had to admit that I'd lost her completely. All the pain that I'd once felt was nothing comparable with what I was feeling now. Was it never going to stop?


	15. Waltzing between agony and ecstasy

**Chapter 15: Waltzing between agony and ecstasy**

Once again I found myself crouching up in a ball trying to cling to the finest thread of sanity I had left. The pain staggered me in a vortex of misery, chaining me to a permanent disgrace. The darkness was closing in on me and everything was so familiar, but still so different. Now, like a bad joke from God, my mind was so clear and empty, focusing only on the pain I felt, increasing it with every second's passing.

Now I couldn't see Bella's face smiling at me behind my lids. All I could see was Jacob touching her. All I could think of, from now on was that she'd finally found her soul mate. And I was alone. Wandering toward an endless ocean of grief.

In a flash second the promise of never hurting my family again had been broken, just to begin where I left from. Around me everything was soundless except of the irritating buzzing in my ears. Even the silence was hard to bear. I was drowned in pain, chained inside flames and buried under stones of loneliness. And how ironically. Now I didn't need to be alone anymore. I needed everyone and most of all I needed _her_, but I couldn't have them. Not her, not anyone.

The motionless state which I'd dragged myself into hadn't allowed me to hear or feel anything else besides infernal scratches and slashes for days in a row. I'd thought I reached the pick of the absolute pain. How wrong had I been. As I heard a terrified scream, shrieking with the most horrendous anguished voice, my head snapped off the ground looking toward the door. My stare seemed to be piercing through the door, down the stairs and right to Alice. Her level of anxiety was passing beyond any limits. What could put her in that condition? What could she have seen to frighten her so much? And most alarming of all was why had she called for me before calling anyone else?

"Edwaaaaaaaard," she shrieked another time. I wanted to dart toward her, but my bones seemed to be glued to the floor or melted inside my stone body. Why was I incapable of making myself move? Why something was knocking me to the ground each time I tried to jump to my feet, telling me that I don't want to know what had worried Alice so much and why hadn't I read her mind already?

"Alice, darling, what's going on?" Jasper hurried to her side. I could see the scene through their minds. I could hear everything they thought but something in my brain was stubbornly opposing to reading Alice's mind.

Esme caught her in her arms trying to soothe her as Carlisle struggled to make her come to her senses. Everyone hemmed her in and everyone had a different perspective of her face. I gleaned little pieces and glimpses from everyone's minds to create the whole of her face. It was devastated. For once, hopeless and powerless. The death look in her eyes was foretelling the end. The end of everything.

With the eyes of the doctor, inspecting her meticulously, searching for any sign of malfunction or ailment in her system, Carlisle patted her shoulder, gently calling her name, but all she could do was screaming my name. And I was lying like a stupid, brainless wreck on the ground.

I didn't know what it had finally made me get up from where I was, icing up in ache or how many seconds had it taken me to get to Alice's feet. All I knew was that I was lying at her feet with my hands on her knees gawping deep in her eyes. She didn't say a word and I didn't dare to steal that unsaid word from her mind. As the time rolled over us we stood in silence and I was more convinced that I would sign my death sentence if I dared to look in her mind for the reason of her upright concern.

"Alice," Jasper and Carlisle murmured in the same time, putting each of them a hand on her shoulders. What came next I'd never expected. She shoved their hands aside and she moved at the further end of the room. She was shaking violently and she was frowning at us like we were her enemies. Like we wanted to attack her. It was too much for everyone to see her like that. It was too much for Jasper. He was chocking with Alice's anxiety and he couldn't deal with that pain. Not if it was coming from the side of his beloved.

I took a step closer to her and she straightened her unexplainable defensive position. Her eyes were warning me not to come closer and for once the look in her eyes was blaming me for everything. For once I could read her own pain shimmering in her eyes, a pain that I'd never known had such a dreadful magnitude. A pain that was seeding more pain to my own.

I sucked in the destructive feeling of having her condemn me and I took another step closer to her. I breathed once, a cutting unnecessary breath and I prepared myself to invade her mind. I could hear her disquieted whines somewhere in the background of my mind. I knew that all I had to do was turn the volume up and they will be crystal clear. Painfully clear.

As I took the third and the most cautious step of all I listened to her thoughts. None of them was coherent. None of them made sense. None of them was showing the danger I'd anticipated. And yet none of them put an end to my torture.

My eyes never left her face and hers never left mine, but I felt I was missing so many shifts of her face. Or were my eyes too tired to perceive the changes in front of them? Was my mind to afraid to understand the obvious reason for Alice's sudden madness?

Swiftly, without catching every one of her moves she was in my arms emitting sounds that not even a human in his grievous cry could ever produce. The words that burst out of her mouth I obstinately strived to ignore. My sanity was depending on the successful result of that attempt.

"She's going to DIE," she screamed like a lunatic.

Which had been the second when I moved away from her and stumbled back staring far away toward another world? Staring into my hell. Which had been the moment when I finally understood what was happening? When I finally understood that I received my death sentence. Which instant had I felt the hand of unconsciousness closing my eyes?

I was parting slowly from this world, powerless in front of the destruction that was threatening me…her…us. I knew I was literally falling down. The mask I'd worked so hard to keep on my face was cracking into pieces and the open wounds were bleeding freshly on my face. Then, I couldn't feel anything.

As slices of consciousness came back to me I realized I was still immobilized to the ground by something unknown, something stronger than I was. Just the thinnest part of a second it took for the pain to grind forcefully into me. I was aware of everything around me like I'd been a decade ago while I was changing into this monster. I could distinguish every move around me, every whisper and still I couldn't move a finger to tell them that this lifeless stone somehow was living. Each of my senses were sharpened, each thought that I had was directed to one thing and one thing only.

I was fighting with those heavy weights pressing upon me but failing miserably. The memory was clear. Alice's face and voice were fresh in my mind. And I could, without a doubt, understand who was going to die. Deep inside me I knew Bella was in mortal danger. I felt it in every bone and the pain was surprisingly increasing with every second. It was amplifying and pulsing in the hole of my chest. Only the urge of saving her could have awakened me from my deathly sleep.

"He's coming back," I heard Alice whispering. Her voice was back to normal and also her attitude. Her smooth fingers were touching softly my forehead, waiting for my awakening. I snatched her hand before I opened my eyes, then I straightened up in one move.

Everyone was looking intently at me with terror in their eyes. Everyone seemed to know what was happening or what was going to happen, except me. Jasper, with cautious knowing eyes, and Emmett, too serious to be recognized, were closer to the door, ready to spring out of it if necessary. Carlisle and Esme were stunned, but all set to react and Rose and Sonya were gazing at me transfixed waiting for a sign to follow the others. Everyone was prepared for a fight.

"What have you seen, Alice?" I asked in a commanding tone. She wasn't shocked or afraid anymore. Her face was business-like, concentrated upon a solid goal. She wondered for a second how to put it into words so I won't explode right there and then, but in the end she decided to let me see her vision since everyone else was clued up.

How long had her vision lasted? A second or an eternity?

The vision began with Bella in our meadow, with Bella broken lying on the ground and then everything shifted in the most atrocious way. Laurent was beside her, his eyes glistening with fury and lust. He approached her, talked to her, played with her…She had no escape. She was cornered and the end was imminent. He was poisoned to kill and Bella…Bella was the most fragile human being.

Laurent was preparing to jump at her throat and quench his miserable desire when the vision ended. But it was not an end. I knew there must have been a continuation. Only that, Alice couldn't clear it up.

"I can't see because there is nothing more to see after that point," she explained, clashing her legs to the ground in frustration. "Her future simply disappears. Vanishes. And I don't know why. Because Laurent hadn't even attacked her when her future faded away."

How was that possible? How could someone's future simply disappear? But, once again, Bella was not just someone. Bella was Bella. Prone to find death in the safest of places. A magnet for any type of danger.

I shook my head confused. Everything seemed to be a big bad prank. I couldn't understand it. I didn't want to. Alice caught in her mind a glimpse of me having a totally inappropriate reaction to this information, but she didn't try to stop me from doing what I was maybe unconsciously planning on. She put the vision in her head on repeat. Slower now. Clearer. But still, slower in vampire's dictionary meant from one second to maximum three. Everything lasted one lonely second and the accuracy of her vision convinced me entirely of the enormity of the catastrophe Bella was going to face. The disaster was going to hit both of us, not just one. We were not two pieces. We were the two halves of one piece tied together. Halves that had been apart for too long.

"_Bella,"_ Laurent muttered, not believing his eyes. I was disgusted even by the way he'd pronounced her name. Or was going to, anyway.

"_You remember,"_ she smiled delightedly. Even after all this time she couldn't mark out the dangers loafing in front of her.

"_I didn't expect to see you here."_ He rambled toward her and Tanya's sofa was turning to dust again under the pressure of my fingers.

"_Isn't it the other way around? I do live here. I thought you'd gone to Alaska."_ Yeah. He'd been in Alaska, but left. Gave up on everything, including Irina. The one he'd alleged he loved. Fortunately for him, he'd left before I got here.

He stopped ten feet away from her titling his head to one side than the other. The game had begun for him. He was analyzing every part of Bella. Certainly planning where to bite her from. How to hunt her. Whether or not he should let her run, give her the feeling that she could escape from him. A cold shudder crossed my body. It was worse than death to live through what I was living.

"_You're right. I did go to Alaska,"_ he admitted. _"Still, I didn't expect…When I found the Cullen place empty, I thought they'd moved on."_

"_Oh,"_ she chocked, biting her lip. Her face distorted with pain for a second. I wondered why she'd reacted like that at the mere sound of our name. The ache that had been like a broken wing of an angel on her face ground my dead heart and I knew it was going to grind it from now on without a second of ceasing. _"They did move on,"_ she finally whispered under Laurent's curious eyes. How could I ever move on without her?

"_Hmm,"_ he reflected. _"I'm surprised they left you behind. Weren't you sort of a pet of theirs?"_ Even the outrageous way in which he was talking to her was going to count in his final second. I had no intention to be merciful.

"_Something like that,"_ Bella answered.

"_Hmm," _he considered, not moving his eyes away from her. Cold red eyes, filled with yearning.

"_Do they visit often?"_ he inquired casually, beginning to pace toward her. Again. I was horrified and still my lips parted mechanically. The words came out from my mouth reflexively.

"Lie," I whispered anxiously, but she could not hear me. This wasn't happening yet. And what would be the use of her hearing my words? Would that save her from death? Of course not. But the trance and helplessness that were ruling over me didn't think or care about that. I was enslaved to the desire of saving her and the utter indignation of watching Laurent threatening her was taking the words out of me.

"_Now and again. The time seems longer to me, I imagine. You know how they get distracted."_

I didn't know whether or not she was going to hear my words. I couldn't read Sonya's thoughts in that second. I was all focused on Alice. Bella's attempt of lying was so weak, so like her. She was in no capacity of lying. Not even if her life was at stake.

"_Hmm. The house smelled like it had been vacant for a while."_ The game was suddenly exciting for him.

"You must lie better than that, Bella," I complained. How had I found the time of feeling that sweet thrill melting my bones and thinking that maybe she was going to hear me uttering her name, in an instant of absolute terror?

"_I'll have to mention to Carlisle that you stopped by. He'll be sorry they missed your visit."_ She paused deliberately for a while. Her face was see-through. She could have never lied to me with those poor attempts, but I hoped frantically that she will convince him. That she will sow the seed of fear in him_. "But I probably shouldn't mention it to…Edward, I suppose." _If a mountain had fallen in my head or hundreds of flaming stabs had penetrated through my body I wouldn't have felt more pain than I did in the second I heard her forcing out my name. She hadn't muttered it like before…easy, melodically. It seemed to be against her every instinct to murmur my name. The sound was so broken that it took my breath away. I was aching again, but inside my scars were flowing rivers of honey. Her voice, not matter how broken it was, was a cure for my pain, but knowing that her pain was because of me brought me about more pain. I couldn't suffer when I was listening to her voice, but I couldn't keep the pain away from my soul when I knew she was suffering. It was a hard line to walk on. _"He has such a temper,"_ she continued after she composed herself. _"Well, I'm sure you remember. He's still touchy about the whole James thing."_ She rolled her eyes, waving with her hand like the _James thing_ didn't matter anymore.

"_Is he really,"_ he asked her skeptically.

"_Mm-hmm,"_ she answered simply. In that short answer I could make out that she was having doubts whether or not I still cared. But, of course. She was under the infamous impression that I didn't care about her. That I didn't love her. I wanted to scream loud enough for her to hear me without Sonya's messages. I wanted to scream that I loved her. That I will crawl back to her and I will be her eternal servant. I wanted to scream for her to take me back. Right there and then I knew I could no longer live without her presence.

Laurent glanced sideways making a step closer to Bella. I snarled without moving my lips.

"_So how are things working out in Denali? Carlisle said you were staying with Tanya?"_

"_I like Tanya very much,"_ he answered in a dreamy voice. Obviously, he was contemplating over something else. For example, how to kill the fragile being that was standing in front of him. Again, I felt something turning to dust under my fingers. _"And her sister Irina even more. I've never stayed in one place for so long before and I enjoy the advantage, the novelty of it. But, the restrictions are difficult. I'm surprised that any of them can keep it up for long. Sometimes I cheat."_ He smiled diabolically. I'd never wondered why he left Denali and first of all why he left Irina. This seemed a reason good enough for his departure. Some monsters never change.

Shock appeared on Bella's face and she made an effort to move her foot back, but Laurent caught the movement before she even had time to actually shift her position. She turned to ice as his bloody eyes glinted to the ground.

"_Oh. Jasper has problems with that, too."_ I was grateful to Alice that she kept on concentrating for me, letting me take notice of the entire threat. If Bella retreated one single step she would die instantly. If she took that step back my run for her life would be in vain.

"Don't move," I ordered. _Give me time to rescue you…_

"_Really? Is that why they left?"_ My irrepressible fury was growing with each word he verbalized.

"_No. Jasper is more careful at home."_

She was afraid. Her eyes were swimming in pools of dread and to think that I'd left her to keep her safe. How ironical. Now I was about to run back to save her from my own kind, from the ones I hoped will never haunt her again. Laurent was not only haunting her, but also hunting her.

"_Yes. I am, too,"_ he agreed taking another step forward. A step that was looming his approaching assault.

"_Did Victoria ever find you,"_ Bella suddenly asked. She'd obviously understood what he designed in his mind to do. She was only buying some more minutes for her life. The minutes I needed to get to her.

"_Yes,"_ he muttered confused. _"I actually came here as a favor to her. She won't be happy about this." _

A favor. What favor? My mind was running back and forth like a wild mountain lion. The last time I met her at that lugubrious party she hadn't thought about Bella at all. And she'd spoken about James which of course would have led to Bella and me, but she hadn't had the slightest inclination of thinking about her. How was possible that after all Victoria decided to take revenge on us?

"_About what,"_ Bella inquired nervously, taking a hurried step back as Laurent was glaring somewhere in the depths of the forest.

"_About me killing you,"_ he replied nonchalantly.

I was out of control and I couldn't stop growling. I was beyond any type of insanity. Any punishment I could think of seemed too feeble for him. I fumed my anger out while Bella recoiled another step.

"_She wanted to save that part for herself,"_ he explained matter-of-factly. _"She's sort of put out with you, Bella."_

"_Me?"_ she peeped innocently, but Laurent only shook his head and chuckled like the wretch he was.

"_I know, it seems a little backward to me, too. But James was her mate, and your Edward killed him."_

"_The same Edward that is going to kill you,"_ I thought grimly. As Laurent pronounced my name another wave of pain covered her face.

"_She thought it more appropriate to kill you than Edward – fair turnabout, mate for mate. She asked me to get the lay of the land for her, so to speak. I didn't imagine you would be so easy to get to. So maybe her plan was flawed – apparently it wouldn't be the revenge she imagined, since you must not mean very much to him if he left you here unprotected."_ A mask, so similar to my own, seemed to crack open on her face revealing hidden wounds known just to her. Why had she believed such stupidity as me not wanting her? Why had been my lie stronger than our truth?

Laurent shifted his weight almost unnoticeably and Bella lurched another step back. She was dancing with the devil.

"_I suppose she'll be angry, all the same,"_ he thought.

"_Then why not wait for her?"_

"_Well, you've caught me at a bad time, Bella. I didn't come to this place on Victoria's mission – I was hunting. I'm quite thirsty and you do smell…simply mouthwatering." _He looked at her greedy and I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore. In all this, it seemed unbelievable to hear my own voice.

"Threaten him," I commanded terrified by the future outcome of those frightening images.

"_He'll know it was you. You won't get away with this."_ Her power was slowly wearing out.

"_And why not?"_ he smiled broadly. _"The scent will wash away with the next rain. No one will find your body – you'll simply go missing, like so many, many other humans. There's no reason for Edward to think of me, if he cares enough to investigate. This is nothing personal, let me assure you, Bella. Just thirst."_

"Beg," I implored. If only it was possible to spare her all this. If only I could get there fast enough, soon enough…

"_Please,"_ she gasped drained by the fear.

"_Look at it this way, Bella. You're very lucky I was the one to find you," _he clarified in a false tone of kindness.

"_Am I?"_ she tottered a step back and Laurent followed without difficulty.

"_Yes. I'll be very quick."_ Just the sole concept of him being quick terrified me because it was reducing my chances of saving her._ "You won't feel a thing, I promise. Oh. I'll lie to Victoria about that later, naturally, just to placate her. But if you knew what she had planned for you, Bella. I swear you'd be thanking me for this."_

As he finished his hideous discourse the vision ended abruptly. Like Alice had said, everything had vanished. I chocked in pain, gasped for air, suffocated as I breathed it, all in just a second, though this time my mind didn't protect itself by shutting down. I needed to remind myself that this hadn't happened yet. That I still had a chance. The slimmest of all, almost inexistent, but a chance nonetheless.

"How long do I have?" I asked like a worker who was inquiring for how time he had to finish a job. Professional, detached…Just that my real question was _"How long do I have to live?"_ Because if Bella was going to die so was I. Then the fright appeared again on Alice's face.

"We are running out of ti…of…of time," she mumbled nearly inaudible. My detached mask was crumbling again. Had I heard her right? It couldn't be possible.

"What?" I whispered in a haze. "We are running of what?"

"Of time," she cried desperately, fear crossing her features.

There were so many things a vampire could do in a short amount of time. There were even more things possible to accomplish simultaneously, but out of all those things stopping time was not one of them. And I didn't have a second to spare.

I felt the ground splitting under me, but it wasn't swallowing me up. It permitted me to live through my absolute misery. If I'd believed that living without Bella was unbearable it was because I'd never actually thought that I could lose her forever without a chance to get her back. Now everything was against me, against us.

The pain threatened to kill me once and for all, but I couldn't die now. Even if I had no chance to win this last fight to keep Bella alive I was going to do my damn best. I couldn't conceive the possibility of not succeeding. Because failing at saving her meant not only the end of my existence but the end of everything as well. With her gone I had no reason to exist on this world anymore.

Everyone looked at me waiting for my reaction. What were they expecting? I had one way of making all this right. As the decision took form in my mind Alice's eyes glittered in the light.

"Maybe the message will convince her to stay home," she tried to soothe me, but I knew too well that Sonya hadn't sent my words yet. And I knew that those words couldn't make any sense to her if she heard them earlier. Those simple words could not save her. But I could. I needed to believe that I was capable of saving her. "Maybe she won't go to the meadow, maybe she'll be safe, maybe we'll have time," she trailed off desolately.

"Oh, Alice," I spitted out. The words didn't come out exactly as I'd wanted. The anxiety in my voice transformed them into an unexpected kind of scorn. I loathed the world in that second and I was out of control. I headed to the door, prepared to scuttle against everything. Against time if possible. Not even a second had I expected to be obstructed.

I considered Tanya's family like my own, but hindering me in those moments from saving the one I maddeningly adored, was pure insanity. My upper lip curled up revealing the razor-sharp teeth that hadn't been used in a fight for decades. I was ready to attack her if she wanted me at any price. I couldn't believe that someone was capable of irritating me even more in that precise instant. I thought I'd reached my limit. But I was so wrong.

Irina smashed her weight into my body pushing me two feet back. She expected me to back off at least ten more feet than I'd done with all the effort she'd put into that reckless feat. She was trembling with rage and fear, but it wasn't fear for her. It was fear for her poor little Laurent. As I put together her thoughts with her actions I growled uncontrollably, ready to launch at her throat if necessary. I didn't want to be the cause of disaster for Tanya, but I wasn't going to let Irina stand in my way either.

"Irina, shrink back, now" Tanya ordered and she moved away like she'd been caught by invisible chains. She couldn't oppose to her orders.

Once she'd retreated in defeat with her back touching the cold wall I didn't pay further attention to her. The beast inside me darted into its fastest run. My mind couldn't process anything else beside the fact that I had to rush as fast as I could toward Forks.

The power of the wind blowing in my face was suffocating me for the first time in almost a century. I was almost repelled by the scents flowing in the air, maybe because none of them was what I wanted to smell or maybe because everything smelled like death. Even the moss or the ferns, even the flowers of the locust tree had a tint of a sickening stench.

My senses were clearer than they had ever been. Intensified, perfected to the highest level and focused only on saving the one I was absolutely and completely in love with. The one I adored more than life itself. The pain I felt was a ghoul in the midst of my concentration. I didn't have time to pay attention to it. Every drop of energy that I had was taking part to my wild run.

Somewhere behind me I felt my family running toward the same target with the same purpose. Esme, Rose, Alice and Sonya were running in the middle, with Carlisle in front of them, while Jasper and Emmett were flanking their sides. It was a typical stance for attack. They were ready to fight and still prepared to protect each other's back. Me? I was alone. I was faster. And I was even more poisoned to kill Laurent then I'd been to kill James. It was like a toxic virus had taken over my body. I had to kill him even if he changed his mind. Even if he wasn't going to kill Bella after all. As I thought about that a lethal growl escaped my lips. He was not going to touch a thread of her hair.

Speaking faster than her usual jabbering, Alice instructed Sonya to send Bella a new message. To warn her. To make her stay home. I couldn't allow myself the privilege of believing that this horror will be avoided. That everything will be easy in the end. I couldn't because inside me I knew this time she was truly in danger. However, hearing Sonya think and then mutter sheepishly "I couldn't send the message. It felt like she has rejected it," almost knocked me to the ground. What if she couldn't hear my words either? What if she won't find a way to buy herself some time? What if I was going to make it there too late? It was not the best moment to authorize myself to be weak. I had to run. Further…faster…toward her.

The chain of trees that was stringing out in front of me was visible even if I was more than ten kilometers away from them. I was so close now, but so far. I knew that Laurent was most likely in that forest hunting. And I knew that in less than two minutes he was going to run into Bella. Even if I was running beyond my limits, faster than ever, I wasn't going to make it there in two minutes. I was pushing myself to dash more rapidly. I was trying to make my legs move faster, but my attempts, no matter how desperate they were, couldn't make the five minutes I needed to cover that distance equal two. I needed five minutes to reach Bella, he needed just two.

The realization stung into my brain, but it didn't upset my focus. The animal, Laurent had made me become, was thirsty and savagely craving to kill, to destroy everything that threatened to demolish that little happiness he had left. The happiness of knowing Bella alive.

As I got nearer to the forest I bumped into the hum that Laurent had left behind him. I needed just ten strides more to become aware of his presence. It was surprising how I managed to run faster the instant I identified his trace. A trace that I knew so well where it was leading. Twisting and turning through the trees, his trail was inevitably directing to the meadow. The meadow I'd once showed Bella. A meadow that could become her graveyard. I shuddered. I couldn't think about that. Not as long as I wanted to be completely in control of myself.

I blinked disgusted as his thoughts invaded my mind. It was revolting to hear his slanderous thoughts and be physically unable to annihilate him. Yet. I was closer now. I couldn't only read his thoughts, but also hear his voice. And besides his, I could hear the one voice I'd missed like hell. The voice that sealed my internal wounds as soon as I grasped the beautiful melody of it. There was no pain anymore. It felt like it had never been. All I could feel was the devastating desire of saving Bella and killing Laurent. Just for daring to threaten her. Just for dreaming of hurting her. Usually, crimes are followed by punishment and his crime had been horrific. My punishment was going to be million times more terrible.

I paced forward without noticing that Alice and Emmett had caught up with me and that they were tensing up by my sides. Emmett was more eager to attack than I'd expected. He actually was furious that Laurent was putting Bella in danger. I felt grateful for his concern. For everyone's concern. But in the same time I felt afraid. What if I couldn't save her? What if I lost her exactly when I got her back? Exactly when I breathed the aroma of her scent which brought me back to earth? Which gave me peace again? What if she slipped through my fingers without giving me a chance to catch her and keep her close to me? Forever close to me?

The vision that had ended so abruptly, striking me with horror, changed and the three of us landed in the meadow, but something was uncertain. Alice eyed me while we were running. I didn't know for sure what I was going to do first. Of course I wanted to save Bella, but in the same time I wanted to kill Laurent myself. However, I couldn't do both. And I needed to make that decision. Quick. Now.

"_I'll guard her for you,"_ Alice thought. _"You and Emmett can finish him."_

It wouldn't be the first time Alice kept Bella safe for me. She'd done it when James tried to kill her. I knew I could have faith in her. Entirely. Still…this time it was different. This time I necessitated to protect her myself. To wrap my arms around her and snatch her out from harm's way.

Jasper was quickly getting closer to us and I knew they could finish off Laurent without my help. I knew I could protect Bella without the fear that someone will get hurt. But how could I give up the maddening desire to tear him to pieces? It was a difficult decision to make. I couldn't make it. And apparently I didn't have to anymore. Fate was going to make it for me. As we took another step forward he sensed our presence and his eyes flickered toward us, though Bella couldn't notice our light paces yet.

"I don't believe it," Laurent whispered, pricking me with his stare. He knew Bella was not alone anymore. He knew that he had only milliseconds to bring to an end his spitefulness.

Bella looked at him surprised by his sudden lack of concentration. I didn't need to read her mind to know that she was aware of the fact that she hadn't escaped yet. She didn't know I was there. She couldn't see me, but I could. And she was so breathtakingly beautiful. There was no comparison possible for her splendor. Neither angels nor goddesses could come close to her astonishing charm. Nothing was pure enough to emanate her delicacy. She was one of a kind, the only one capable of making me think that my heart could beat again. Something was vibrating inside my still chest and I was stunned.

Even with her features twisted in pain and fear she was flawless. It felt like I was discovering her beauty again. The second I met her eyes every day of pain I'd lived through had been erased from my mind automatically. I got trapped in my dreams and wishes as soon as I caught sight of her, but I didn't need too long to awake from my reverie. When the veil of shock left my eyes I saw exactly what I wanted to do.

Laurent was standing three feet away from Bella, but now I was close enough to put myself between them at the right time. At least, I hoped to have that time. I flew in her direction without thinking anymore and Alice and Emmett followed me.

Unlike Bella, I could see every little thing around me as I darted to her, every part of her. Everything was clear, not only a haze. She couldn't notice me. She couldn't even make a blur out of me in that second, a second that seemed the shortest, yet the longest of all. After so much time I was in such a close proximity to her that I couldn't believe I'd ever left. That small space which was keeping us apart was unbearably hard to cross because by reaching my destination I was not only going to save the reason of my existence, but become even more tied to her than I'd been before. Once by her side, another theoretical departure was meaningless. Leaving again her side was beyond any strength of mine.

In a second happened three things simultaneously. I hurried in front of her, throwing my hand behind me and wrapping it around her waist, without even glancing down to her face, as Alice positioned herself behind Bella and Emmett yanked Laurent by his right shoulder, pushing him backwards as far as possible from Bella. I sighed in a swift relief, my eyes never leaving Laurent. I was ready to jump at him and rip his head off any minute now.

I could see the image in my head. I was so focused on it. It almost startled me when Jasper landed by my left side. Maybe I was paranoiac, maybe I was overreacting, but I didn't feel comfortable with Jasper standing two feet away from Bella. He was too close and the last time he was that close to her he'd almost drained her out of blood. I shuddered internally trying to get a grip on myself. Jasper was capable of controlling himself. His thoughts were peaceful towards Bella. On the other hand, he was all set to kill Laurent.

The _filth_ needed just the smallest part of that second when I got distracted by Jasper's arrival to release himself from Emmett's seizure. He was one against four, or three to be exact, because as critical as the situation might have been I couldn't let Alice get into a fight of this kind again, but he was willing to fight with us. Like James had wanted, Laurent wished to taste the blood flowing in Bella's veins on his lips. Just that some wishes can't be satisfied.

I growled as I heard his thoughts. Behind me, Bella was hardly breathing. She was definitely in shock. I prayed for her to be strong enough to hold up three more minutes. I wasn't about to allow the scum to continue living.

"_This hunting-on-claimed-territory thing becomes more and more entertaining. Maybe Victoria will thank me in the end. If you got here, maybe she'll make an unexpected appearance too. Maybe she will have the pleasure of watching me sucking the blood out of this poor little human. You see… I'm thirsty. I'm not in the mood to share."_

"I'm not in the mood to share, either," I said, breaking the silence. Two birds took flight from a branch scared by the sound of my stern voice and leaves scattered their way down. Bella gasped for air, jumping behind me and dinting his warmth on my skin, spreading her perfume all around me. I breathed it in. Deeply. Keeping it inside me. It was a necessity for so long unsatisfied. I needed all my self-control not to look at her. Any lapse in my concentration could have been lethal.

He laughed stupidly, gazing over my shoulder to meet Bella's terrified stare. I could see her image in his mind. In Emmett and Jasper's minds. She was broken. Devastated.

"Oh. We were talking about you," he answered politely. "I'm glad we have a reunion. Like old days."

"Like old days," I replied on the same cynical tone he'd had.

Jasper and Emmett were preparing to crouch themselves, making plans to attack and end this story. Both of them had clean shots at the scum's throat. Glancing from a side to another I dismissed their attempts. I wanted to have a word in this matter. The final word.

"Emmett, Jasper, please behave. We don't want to cause any discontentment for our friend here, do we?" I ordered roughly.

Reluctantly they straightened up, keeping a close watch on him. Laurent smiled again, but for the first time he was feeling the heat. For the first time he understood the big mistake he'd just committed. I could read it in his mind and on his face and Jasper could feel it too. I had just one thing to do before I dismantled him. I had to draw as much information as I could out of him. I had to know what Victoria's plans were.

"So, to what do we owe the pleasure of having you intruding again on our territory?" I asked him, putting a terrific smile on my face. I wished Bella couldn't see it.

"Nostalgia can be sometimes a strong feeling. It directs you toward places you could not even imagine. Like Forks, for instance," he giggled humorlessly. "Besides, some needs have to be satisfied."

"Like your smutty thirst?" I hissed. It was so easy to lose that little control I had left. Jasper's eyes flashed to me and back to Laurent and then I was calmed a bit. But not enough.

"Let us be fair," he requested, his eyes shimmering with desire. His thoughts were insufferable to read. He was actually imagining himself with Bella lying lifeless in his arms. My jaw tightened and a snarl escaped from my chest. "You burn with desire to kill her too. She knows very well. There is no need for you to be hypocritical." Even if his statement was revolting every part of me, it made me realize that I hadn't thought about that part of me at all since I got by her side. I hadn't felt any impulse of pleasing my own thirst. Even now with her flavor penetrating my nostrils, I couldn't think about tasting her blood. Feeling her scent was a gift from God, not a punishment anymore. It seemed that I didn't have to restrain myself anymore in her presence.

"If I let you philosophize over my needs you won't have time to experience your personal death. Some chances can't be missed. I couldn't live with myself if I made you lose this one." With every word I said Bella was moaning lowly behind me. I could feel her breath. I could almost taste it. I frowned involuntarily as the thought of never tasting her breath on my lips crossed my mind. Saving her didn't mean I got her back. I had to understand that.

"_Focus, Edward,"_ Alice thought and my head snapped back to Laurent.

"Are you afraid to admit the truth, Edward? Are you afraid you'll lose her if she hears from your own lips that you want to kill her?" I'd lost her already, but when all this had turned to me? When had I become the monster of this story?

"_Probably when my path intersected with hers," _I thought. Bella's head leaned over tiredly. I was supporting her entire weight now.

"_She's going to faint,"_ Alice informed me. I knew she was right. It had been too much for her already_. "I'll hold her."_ At one moment Alice was going to hold her either she would faint or not. The moment I killed Laurent Bella had to be in safe hands.

"I think that problem is solved. There is no risk about me trying to harm her so I won't be constrained to eradicate myself again. On the other hand, you, Laurent…" I trailed off waiting for him to shift his weight a foot back. "You, Laurent, are the embodiment of the scariest danger I could think of. You along with Victoria." He burst into laughter. An almost hysterical type of laughter. "You see," I continued without paying attention to his reaction, "I don't reckon you have any special abilities, am I wrong?"

He frowned irritated. He knew I trapped him in his own snare. His internal answer came flat and angry _"No."_

"You can't run away from me," I paused after each word. I was running out of time again, as he prepared to spring into a run. I had only seconds left to find out what Victoria was up to.

"Even if you kill me, your favorite _pastime_ will die in the end." My whole frame was trembling and Jasper was trying pointlessly to calm me down. It didn't work. The mutt had dared to call Bella _my pastime_.

"Bella is not my pastime," I spitted out threateningly. She moaned again, almost suffocating as she made a weak attempt to clasp my shirt.

"Isn't she? Then, what do you call her since you left her behind?"

"Asking idiotic questions won't buy you time. It won't save you either," I tried to avoid his question. I couldn't answer it with Bella in hearing range. "So tell me, what has Victoria to do with all this?"

"Can't you imagine," he strived to put on a surprised face. "Not so long ago you killed her mate? What did you expect her to do? To send you a card for Thanksgiving and invite you on the shore to chat happily how she is alone and James turned to ashes? You're too naïve, Edward."

I arched an eyebrow. If I only moved my lips to speak I would lose my concentration and kill him before I had my answers.

"She obviously wants to kill her and when she'll succeed you'll be sorry you met us. You'll regret every single day of your miserable life." His eyes narrowed, his nostrils flared and his feet were moving slowly back. This was it. The second of my revenge had come.

"_Hold her and cover up her eyes,"_ I thought. Alice was going to see immediately that I wanted to ask her this.

My hand left her waist grudgingly and her fingers unwrapped from their frail hold on my shirt. Leaving her side had become unbearable even for the few seconds I needed to finish off Laurent. As he recognized my intentions he scuttled away and Jasper and Emmett were right after him.

"No," I yelled. "He's mine." What messed up world did he think he was living on? How did he imagine he was going to get away with his woe? He was forcing himself to run faster than ever, to run for his life, but three strides of his matched one of mine. He didn't move twenty yards away from the clearing when I flung him to the ground. I hurled myself on top of him. Faster than he could perceive my teeth were close to his neck. I took the time to look him in the eyes with the most spiteful stare, then my teeth were cutting into his hard skin.

As I dismembered his body he didn't even had the slightest strength to put resistance, to try to save his life. The noise was shaking violently the forest and I was completely and irreversibly out of control. No one, not even someone of my family, should have approached me in those moments. I was intoxicated with the longing to reduce him to nothing, but Carlisle didn't care. I felt his paces getting nearer to me. Against my will I started to be uncomfortable and a frightening hiss broke out from inside me. My head turned abruptly to him. My lips were coiled up my teeth and shreds of Laurent's skin were falling down from my mouth.

"It's enough, Edward," he whispered with the voice of the commander. "He's dead."

My eyes twinkled back to Laurent's body. It was past mutilation. No one could ever recover from this. Not even a vampire. But I craved for more. It had passed so quickly I didn't have the time to enjoy it. There was so much rage left inside. So much anger to bleed out. I leaned forward prepared to make dust out of his body, but Carlisle's hand hindered me.

"Edward, enough," he said, more serious. "You should take care of Bella. We'll end this."

Her name reminded me why I'd come here. To save her. To annihilate the harm out of her way. And she was safe now. And I was burning to have her in my arms. For once, I didn't give a damn on the fact that I was a dangerous monster. For once, I let myself overpowered by the need to squeeze her to my chest. One moment I was crouching over Laurent's remains and in the other I was kneeling beside Bella. Alice gave her to me as soon as I reached them.

It was so inexplicably healing to finally hold her in my arms. My eyes couldn't leave her face. I was totally dazed by her presence. I was drowning in her sweet smelling perfume. The world meant nothing to me. The world didn't exist to me anymore. The only one existent for me was Bella. She was the centre of my universe, the point that was awaking me from the hollow where I'd been sleeping my death, the light that was dragging me out from the abyss in which I'd been swamped.

"Bella," I chocked, my breath brushing her skin. Her eyes fluttered, but didn't open. She squeezed them shut. She didn't want to see me or she was afraid of me. I closed my eyes too, feeling the stabs in my heart. "Bella," I muttered again, a painful sound. She didn't respond.

I couldn't move. I hold her still, close to me for as long as she was going to allow. I knew I'd lost her. I implored the God that Carlisle claimed it did exist, to bless me with one single word of Bella's. Nothing escaped her mouth. The stillness around me was scorching.

I thought again her name, but I couldn't force it out anymore. I was afraid of the soundless answer. I was afraid to find again that there was no answer for me anymore. I clutched my teeth together, holding the pain inside. This was the end for me. An end more terrifying than anything else. She didn't want me. It was clear.

I sighed defeated and ruined inside. I sighed with the ache of knowing that this was the last time I was going to hold her. I was preparing myself to open my eyes and face the reality when something warm touched my forehead. I stood motionless, breathless, thoughtless, just letting myself feel those two fingers lingering on my skin, trembling over my eyes, my nose, my lips, my chin, my chest…Despite my paralyzing fears I felt hope.


	16. Fluttering wings of love

**Chapter 16: Fluttering wings of love**

Though her fingers had left my skin for a while I could still feel their tips loitering on me. Their warmth was spreading throughout my body, startling me with those emotions I hadn't felt for what it seemed like an eternity. How many times had I imagined her touching me again? How many times had I prayed to hold her in my arms just one more time? Those times were vivid in my mind and yet vanished forever, faded into a dusk of misery. Now, I was freezing inside myself with her close to my chest, being deathly afraid to open my eyes. Now, I was the one who couldn't respond. I was sure that she would disappear in a puff of smoke if I opened my eyes. My eyelids couldn't flutter open. They were hanging heavily over my eyeballs hindering me from facing the reality.

I squeezed my eyes and pressed my lips in a hard line of fear. What was I going to do if she asked me to go away from her life? To leave her alone? After all, I'd promised her to never interfere in her life again. That promise had been broken as soon as I made it. I couldn't keep it anymore. Every part of me was longing to stay in that place forever. Just for holding her. Just for breathing her in.

Her body shifted inside my hold, breaking my line of thoughts. Was she about to set herself free and reject me? Against my most terrible fears I expected her to make her way out from my grasp, pacing away from me, leaving me broken behind, but she surprised me in the most astonishing way. She didn't shove me aside. She moved closer. Her warmth was tying me to her permanently and her breath was blowing in my face. My memories had been so weak. Her scent was million times stronger than I reminded. It was as sweet and perfumed as I'd expected, but its intensity was overwhelming. I hadn't had the time to prepare myself for this.

I inhaled deeply, making up for the months I hadn't been able to do the same, but I stopped short when two quivering hands caught my face in their loving grip, drawing me to the sheerest kind of ecstasy. I let myself be her prisoner. I didn't care what she was doing to me as long as she was beside me, touching me. I waited for a moment, listening to her frantic heartbeats and accelerated breaths. Her hands were losing power in their attempt to squeeze my head and I was scared that she will decide to give up on me. I spent my time of waiting counting her heartbeats, drowning in that beautiful melody. A melody that was my song of love. A melody that was her lullaby.

She shifted her weight again, gasping for air and thrilling my numb heart, stirring me up from a long haze of grief. A moan trembled inside her chest and then her lips were pressing forcefully on mine, making the little self-control I had left to simply disappear. I wasn't breathing anymore, but I was responding with even more power than she had to her kiss. I abandoned myself to her. I let her do whatever she wanted for as long as she pleased.

Her hands locked behind my neck and mine behind her back, securing her body close to mine. Her lips were dancing briskly over my mouth, melting around my own lips as they made them part open. She pushed her upper lip between mine chewing nervously on my lower one. I couldn't be sure if this unexpected gift was reality or a product of my imagination. I wanted to open my eyes to check if this was real, but I wasn't prepared to break the dream. I could feel the softest texture of all pressing against my lips in mind-blowing ways. Her left hand clenched into a fist in my hair as the other moved back to my face caressing my cheek and dawdling on my lip. Then, she stopped for a second. I couldn't handle the pause so I continued where she'd left from. Decided to taste as much of her as I was allowed. She didn't stop me, but went on in synchronization with me, sighting softly.

I moved my hand up from her waist, along her warm, but still cold arm, until I reached his face, cupping her cheek gently. I couldn't believe that after everything I'd done I was receiving this gift. I was clouded with the exquisite emotions that she was sending to me through those kisses, but the fear of having her sooner or later cringing away from me didn't leave me in peace. It was like a big sea spider had taken hold of my heart and its tentacles were darkening every feeling of happiness that was able to infiltrate inside.

My lips slowed down unwillingly, overpowered by the intensity of that moment. I didn't want this second to stop. I wasn't sure if I could stand it. I'd lost her once and surprisingly I survived, but most certainly I couldn't deal with the fact of losing her again. Slower and slower my mind was turning into a total mess of confusion. I couldn't allow myself to hope. I couldn't elude myself that this kiss was going to end all my suffering and make up for everything else. All the same, I knew that after this, leaving her side, even for the smallest period of time or the shortest distance was going to be near impossible.

She traced with the tip of her tongue the outline of my bottom lip, making a last attempt to hold me there and I tried desperately to hold on to her. Both of us could sense that this paradise was due to have an end. I caught her firmly, refusing to let her go. I wanted to swallow her in and my despair was already obvious. Although my mind was focused only on Bella, the violent growl coming from behind us couldn't be disregarded. I became stone-still, incapable of maintaining that magnificent kiss.

Overwhelmed as I'd been by her passionate kisses I hadn't sensed the hysterical edge in her actions. Seeing that I stopped so abruptly, she froze too, her lips quivering against mine, her hands falling down from my hair. She hadn't seemed to have taken notice of that ferocious growl coming right from behind us. A tear made its way to my cheek, burning where it had trickled. Another infuriated snarl echoed in my ears and Bella flinched like she'd been awakened from a dream, staring over my shoulder to the source of those noises, her eyes popping wide open in a strange sort of fear. A reeking smell filled my nostrils and I didn't need any further clues to put the pieces together.

I knew perfectly well what creature could emanate such a smell and come up with such sounds. My head snapped back and Bella's finger tumbled from my lips, keeping hers on my cheek. Involuntarily, my arm tightened around her waist and a snarl of my own began to build itself inside me. Despite the fact that I knew my grip on her was too strong I couldn't loosen it. My instinct to protect her was hugely more powerful.

I turned awkwardly to face what I thought it was a werewolf, but in front of me, there was not just one werewolf. Behind Carlisle, six wolves were crouching defensively with their eyes pointed at me and Bella. Remembering that we'd made a deal with them and that we'd promised to stay out of their land as long as they did the same, it was strange to have them so near to us, phased into animal form. Let alone having them actually pissed off. Between the six of them I could clearly distinguish the Alpha. It was the largest one, with its black fur and commanding posture. The look in his eyes betrayed the responsibilities a leader carried, even in that animal body.

Yet, he was not the one leading the party. Another one, with russet brown fur and outraged eyes was in front of the others with five paces, fuming his irritation out at all of us, especially at me. Considering the clearness of the situation, it took me more than it should to realize who he was.

"Jacob Black," I muttered inaudibly through unmoving lips, but he seemed to catch my words. Though he didn't have vampire ears he had certainly heard me. _"Good, then,"_ I thought, curving up an eyebrow, which only made him snarl louder. That was the moment when my eyes flickered to Bella's. Her eyes had remained as confused as before. She didn't know. She had no idea at all about Jacob Black being a werewolf or any of the others. She was clueless about their existence.

Even if I was unexpectedly having an advantage over the Black kid, I couldn't see it exactly that way. What advantage could it have been, if by using it I would have ended it up hurting Bella? I was definitely unable of that.

He'd lied to her. He'd prowled around her, putting her in danger. A threatening sound rolled out from my barred lips, followed by the weak noise of Bella's clenching teeth. In the corner of my eye I could catch a glimpse of Carlisle's warning face. Slowly, my eyes adjusted to the outside world. I rose to my feet, lifting Bella up in my arms. It was too soon and too dangerous to let go of her. She made no movement to complain. She just kept staring from me to the six wolves in the meadow.

"Edward," Carlisle's voice filled the encumbered silence. I didn't need more to understand that he was asking for my translating services. I nodded, holding Bella closer.

The Alpha, Sam Uley, was talking directly to Carlisle, though he couldn't hear him.

"We prefer," I uttered on his behalf, "to keep this form as long as we are outnumbered. Before we retire from your land I'd want to get some points straight. Given the outcome of these events I don't think our interference should be considered as a violation of the treaty." By the time I'd finished, Bella was crying, burying her face in my chest. I wanted to soothe her, but I felt like I was the one guilty for her tears. And in fact I was. Still, I couldn't help, but brush my lips against her forehead.

"Your interference has not broken the treaty by any means," Carlisle shook his head. "If truth be told, my family owes you more than just gratitude. If we hadn't arrived in time your presence would have been essential for Bella's safety." At the sound of her name she sighed, but didn't raise her head. "We want to thank you and assure you that our return has no perilous purposes." Their eyes widened in shock and the words I'd worked so hard on blocking out cut through my brain like knives.

"_So, is that it, bloodsucker?"_ Jacob bleated internally. _"You go back on your word? You break the only good promise you've ever made her? You come to tarnish her life again with your presence, exactly when she'd begun to get over you? You come to hurt her again?" _his words were unbearable and I wanted so badly to make him stop, but ripping his head off under Carlisle's eyes would have been inconceivable.

"You're wrong," I mumbled breathlessly. Unexplainably, I couldn't force his name out. Whether it was the fear of acknowledging his existence or the urge of protecting Bella from getting into a shock, his name froze on my lips, without being materialized into words. His growl for an answer made Bella lift her head from my chest and glance wondering and sleepily at us. She was so beautiful. I was having a terribly hard time keeping my eyes away from her for too long. Judging after her bewilderment, this was the first time she took notice of the fact that we were talking to the wolves. She was perceptive. Less creative than others of her age, but she was certainly perceptive. How long was it going to take her to put together the wolves and the talking part?

"_Jake, we don't want this to generate a fight,"_ Sam cautioned him and he had no options, but to obey the Alpha's voice. "We haven't considered your land as yours anymore after all of you left," Sam addressed to Carlisle and I said the words out loud for him. "We thought your move is a permanent change. We didn't expect you to come back."

"I understand," Carlisle answered thoughtfully. "And we don't dispute your decisions. We want to let you know that we are here to stay. Indefinitely."

I was growing more and more impatient as Bella's breath was slowly fading. Another news for her and she was going to have a heart attack.

"Well, that means our business on this territory has come to an end." Without further ado they stepped back. Everyone except Jacob, who remained still, gnashing his teeth and piercing me with his blaming eyes.

"_If you tell her anything I'll be more than willing to kill you, even if that means Sam would kill me afterwards for breaking the treaty." _I didn't like the threatening tone in his voice and my answer would have been _"As you consider best, __Jacob__,"_ if Alice hadn't warned me.

"_Keep your tongue back,"_ she ordered irritated. I turned my head dumbfounded to her. She was hitting nervously into a trunk, standing as far as she could from the wolves, along with Rosalie, whose hands were on Alice's shoulders, looking like she was making an effort to keep her from combusting. On one hand, I couldn't blame her. The smell was intoxicating. But on the other hand, she'd carried her attitude too far. I swiftly looked in her mind for the answer of her behavior, but there were only infuriated incoherent thoughts_. "If you say something he'll have the perfect excuse to slice you in pieces, so shut up."_ Under other circumstances she would have been even funny.

I let Jacob boil in his fear, just like I was doing in mine until Sam snatched him by his throat and dragged him back into the woods. He didn't have the advantage of knowing what I was thinking. He was compelled to live with the doubt and assessing a young werewolf's character he was going to show himself in his true colors without my help.

None of us said anything more. My eyes remained glued to the spot where the wolves had stayed, but Alice's irritation caught my attention, not before I inspected Bella's face. Even in her sleep she seemed confused and scared. After all she'd gone through she needed just a second to fall asleep. I kissed the tip of her nose and turned to Alice.

"What's gotten into you?" I asked relieved that I had Bella in my arms and that I was now able to take her home.

"Oh, nothing," she minced. "What could possibly be wrong with me? Nothing. Except the fact that I haven't been seeing anything for as long as those dogs were here. Now I understand why the vision had ended. Because those dogs," she cried louder, disturbing Bella for a millisecond, "had broken into my vision."

"Chill, Alice," I chuckled. It took me a second to realize that the sound had come from me. The surprise put on my face the worried veil again. My eyes flashed to Carlisle as Jasper moved by Alice's side, throwing an arm over her shoulders. Instantaneously she became calmer and he hadn't even used his powers on her.

"They're gone now, darling," he murmured in her ear.

Carlisle nodded before I had time to express my request and came toward me and Bella.

"Carlisle, will you check on her," I pleaded, nonetheless. He approached slowly brushing two fingers over Bella's forehead and listening closely to every sound her body was giving off.

"She's fine. Physically, at least," he concluded. "She needs rest, though."

"I'll take her home," I said under my breath, turning to leave, but I stopped in my tracks when he called my name.

"Edward," he murmured softly, sounding almost guilty. "Have I been wrong to assume that we'll remain in Forks?" after a decade of living with him the possibility of him not knowing what I wanted or what I thought didn't exist. He'd been right as always.

"No," I responded, watching Bella's face. "I can't leave anymore and I can't force you into doing this again, either. You've told them the right thing. We're here to stay." All the irritation Alice might have had previously disappeared straight away as I confirmed their assumptions.

"Splendid," she chimed. "So I get my room back."

I rolled my eyes and toiled to remove my jacket without waking my beautiful angel. My arms shaped perfectly around her body and danced graciously until the jacket was safely unfastened and placed between our bodies to prevent her to get cold because of the frosty temperature that was oozing out from me. She looked at ease cowering inside my embrace. A smile hovered about the corners of my mouth.

I debated for a second whether I should run as fast as I could to get Bella in bed or walk at a normal pace to not wake her up. In the end I decided that my run was smooth enough to be comfortable for her.

"And Edward," Alice said before I departed. "Thank you for the song." I smiled as I saw in her head a little piece of a vision where I was composing a piano song for her. I had no idea yet about how the song should sound, but I was going to focus on that later. Alice, surely, deserved that much from me.

My legs carried me to her bedroom with the precision of those blind men who can find a place without looking for any sign of help. It was the road I knew best than anything else. Every rock and every thread of grass along that road was familiar and so deeply missed. To my surprise and sudden relief I noted that the house was empty. Therefore, I had no need to jump upstairs through the window with Bella in my arms.

I headed to the door, careful not to be seen by any curious neighbors passing by and reached eagerly to open it. As I paced inside, Bella mumbled something inarticulate in her sleep and a wall of emotions threatened to sweep me off my feet. After my most aching sunless night I was returning home. In the sweetest fluttering wings of love.

The stairs leading to her room seemed to be endless and my legs were slowly giving up, not because of weariness, but because of the passion that was consuming me. The necessary power of carrying Bella and laying her down on the bed stuck in me, though.

I backed off smoothly, sitting down on the rocking chair that used to be my safe place at night. I'd spent so much time watching her sleep from that chair, I'd fought back so many desires and fears, I'd dreamt about so many things from that spot, things that I'd thought I would never recoup again, things that I'd given up the moment I left. And still…all those things that meant more than the entire world to me, flooded back to me unexpectedly, reviving the ghost inside me.

Her scent was so powerful now in this sacred place, but it didn't bother me. Once, I would have held my breath in fear that I would lose my control and I would attack her. Now, I was being drawn in by that scent, now I was begging to inhale it.

I got up without a sound and walked back to her bed. I knelt beside it, letting my eyes rest on her face. I felt like I was praying in an altar to the most beautiful angel. The one I wanted to worship forever.

She twisted her features in a light shade of what appeared to be pain. I winced. What could I do to erase all the reasons which could inflict suffering in her heart? Quickly, the thought of her not letting me be near her to help her in any way, set me on fire. Now that I was so close to her it was impossible to think that eventually I was going to be forced to leave her side.

All my memories of her rushed back in my mind, memories of a time when I could hold her close to me and memories of a time when life seemed meaningless without her. Now I was inches away from brushing my lips against her skin and nothing could stop me from touching her. It felt like that first time when I crawled up in her room and I abandoned myself to this love for all the eternity. I wanted to know everything about her, the things that I'd missed while I was gone. I wanted to absorb as much of her as I could.

I was discovering this sanctuary and the angel living in it for the second time. Nothing gave the impression to be new and yet everything was old. Everything was intensified in importance, fitting in the right place in my heart. Even the sheet of paper lying on the ground filled me with happiness. Everything in the room was a part of my life and I could never give it up again.

Bella moaned quietly and reached out toward me. The air iced over in my throat. My hands remained numb on her pillow. And my eyes run like crazy all over her face. She was here and I was finally having her next to me. I kissed the tip of her fingers, tasting their warm texture.

"Edward," she mumbled. For a second I thought she'd woken up, but her breath remained even and her eyes closed. My heart would have surely beaten if that had been possible. Exactly like that first night, I was suffocating with all my emotions. She had called my name in her sleep. She was dreaming about me.

The energy I was supposed to have, had been drained out of me. I was only able to watch her sleep. I didn't want that moment to end. I was finally in my safe place with her and I was happy. Happy like I hadn't been in a long time.

"Bella," I whispered. She didn't hear me. She was fast asleep. While I glued my eyes to her shape I wondered what was waiting for us next. What was she going to tell Charlie? What was I supposed to do? Leaving was not an option anymore. With Victoria poised to kill I couldn't move an inch from Bella and yet I knew I wasn't going to loaf too close to her. The damage I'd done was enormous to return and claim her love like nothing had ever happened. Maybe she didn't want me. Maybe she'd realized I was a monster and she was an angel. Angels don't look down at fiends. They deserved the best. Bella deserved the best.

My future, our futures were going to be a new edition of the past. Somehow it didn't feel like a new chance, like redemption. The difference between the past and the future was that now I had to fight against my mistake. Now I didn't have to hide my true nature. I had to defeat it. And now I didn't have to run, afraid that I would hurt Bella. There was no question about that. I could never harm her. Now I had to live through every day with the gap I'd created, with the wounds I'd produced, with the empty space inside me. Nothing was going to be the same, but I needed desperately to regain even a portion of that past. I needed Bella. Without her I couldn't exist. I wanted her forever by my side, but the only problem was that I couldn't and I wasn't about to keep her near me against her will.

Outside the sun was going down and the wind was whooshing around something or someone who was in motion. That run, faster than any human could perceive, with boorish leaps and animal-like moves, echoing with the sounds of strong feet plunging in the dirt, could only betray Emmett's approach. I frowned, not knowing why he was coming here. He was in my hearing range, though, and I couldn't make out any thought that should disquiet me. His mind was ninety percent filled with images of Rose in all the possible positions and situations, even in hypostasis I would have killed to not see.

I snorted disgusted as he appeared in the window frame. A perverse smile danced across his face, but quickly disappeared as he took notice of my face. I was far from being pleased with his visit. He rolled his eyes and let himself in making me jump to my feet in dismay. Though he hadn't made any sound at all I didn't want in Bella's room anything that could disturb her. He winked at me, glancing toward Bella and shaking his head mockingly.

"_You've wearied her out already,"_ he joked internally. Apparently everything came back to usual. Even his ill-chosen teases. I would have hissed if I hadn't been afraid of waking her.

"What are you doing here, Emmett," I inquired irritated under my breath? There was no way that Bella could catch those sounds.

"I'm here to visit," he joked. "I want to be a charming big brother."

"You can be charming on your way out," I muttered moving my eyes back to Bella's face. He watched me for a second without saying anything. I could see my reflection in his mind. He drew a parallel between my appearance from the day I left Forks and my current one and he was glad that I was finally looking normal. I peeked at his face in the precise moment when the thoughtful look disappeared.

"Anyway…duty calls," he informed me. I read in his mind what he was about to tell me before he spoke aloud. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I listened to him. What he was telling me, it was the right thing to do. Just that it felt utterly difficult to obey. "We are waiting for you at home. Despite daddy Charlie is on his way back here. And he's a cop. And he might arrest us. And lock us in dark cell. And we'll die of starvation." He'd spoken each word louder than the last sounding in the end like a blonde having hysterics. I knitted my brows threateningly and he stopped pouting his lips like an innocent child. It was so like him to monkey around.

"And we should go," I sighed unwillingly. Charlie was truly close to the house now. I could hear him. I looked one more time at Bella. What were my chances of succeeding in staying by her side, anyway? Despite, she was going to wake up and I had nothing coherent to say. I stumbled on my way to the window, struggling to find my balance. I was like a human freshly come out of a coma.

"I can carry you," Emmett offered in jest and yet frowning at my insecure steps.

"I can handle it," I answered humorlessly and he jumped out of the window. What would Charlie have said if he had seen us jumping outside of his daughter's room? Would the perplexity of seeing two men jigging from a window have won over the indignation of knowing that they had been in Bella's room? I was sure he wasn't going to approve of my return. I photographed her in my mind and then I skipped outside, following Emmett.

We hadn't even covered a quarter of the distance to our house when Charlie pulled up in front of the house. His mind was charged with worried thoughts about Bella, but he didn't have the slightest idea about what she'd lived through that afternoon. His imagination couldn't see into such scenarios. The door closed behind him while his eyes went around the room. Everything was exactly in the order he'd left it. Except my jacket which was lying on the floor behind the couch. My inner eyes had caught that image before Charlie consciously noticed the presence of that foreign piece of cloth, which it might have slipped as I'd made my way to Bella's room. He turned his back to the incriminatory evidence that would have given away my presence from earlier on. I was more scared that he could find out I'd been there than I've been the day when I exposed our secret by saving Bella from being hit by that van. I was terrified because inside me I knew he was the only one who had the actual right to prohibit me to see Bella.

"Emmett," I barely murmured, freezing in place. "I left my jacket there. I left it in the living room." He stopped too and turned his head to me, but didn't go over those ten strides that separated us to get back to me. Though he didn't have Alice's perception he got my edginess effortlessly.

"We'll take care of that," he whispered back. His outer voice was lighter than his inner one. He didn't think it was a good idea to flit around Bella for now. He thought it was better to keep some sort of distance between us until I got used to the present situation. My jaw tightened involuntarily. Just the thought killed half of me. I couldn't bear to be away from her anymore.

"You've read my mind, haven't you?"

"Yes," I droned. He avoided my eyes and I didn't try to hold his gaze either.

"It's just a thought. No one will impose you anything," he explained. Even the thought hurt. Even the possibility was unthinkable. I nodded despite my feelings, refusing to accept that he might be right, and motioned him forward. He turned without a word.

As we went back to the house, my family's house, I didn't compete with him to see who's faster. I just thought about what had made me leave in the first place. I'd left because I thought it was the best way to protect Bella. What a huge mistake had I made. How careless and naïve had I been. Had I really thought that Victoria was going to quit overtime and give up the opportunity to avenge James' death? Apparently I had and because of that I've blasted everything and everyone.

I've hurt Bella and now I didn't even have the excuse that I'd done what I'd done for her safety since she's been in my absence in repeated risky situations. I've hurt my family by depriving them of having a normal life or as normal as they could have gotten. I've hurt Alice, who has gone beyond rational thinking and legal actions to protect and reconcile me with the world all over again, without a break or a slim intention to stop. And finally, I've hurt myself by hurting them. Not that it mattered.

Those wounds that were still raw in our hearts, beating or dead frozen, weren't going to simply disappear. I was going to face the unleashed wrath of destiny. I knew I had to fight with everything I had and even more to have the right to hope that I could, at least, mend the situation I'd created by hardly any grades.

When we crossed the threshold, the house was drowned in darkness and the air was filled with phantoms of isolation. Right there, from every corner of the house, corners that I could clearly see despite the obscurity, the shadows of our absence were being unlocked. I paced inside the house, but I didn't feel comfortable or welcomed there. The memories, the guilt, the uncertainty, the pain, all of those feelings were hitting me directly in my empty chest, harassing me in unimaginable ways. As I took in the view of the house I'd deliberately left from, I realized the enormity of the mistake that led our lives to this point, a mistake that was all mine.

Everyone was gathered around the table in the dining room, a place we rarely used and when we did it was strictly for discussing family matters. Just like this. I closed my eyes to hold myself in one piece as I run from mind to mind to cull answers. Like Emmett, they were fearing about this sudden change in my life, by the outcome of today's events, by the near future, by how I was going to conduct myself around Bella, by how our lives were going to be. Though it appeared that my desires were slightly different from theirs, I feared about the same things that they were.

Carlisle stood up in front of the chair that was closest to the door as Esme sat down to his right, as well as Rosalie, who titled her head to the chair next to her inviting Emmett to sit in his usual place, and Jasper, Alice and Sonya to his left. I lurched my way forward shakily and took the chair that Carlisle pointed me to, the one opposed to him. It was moving to be offered to sit to the other head of the table.

Seeing that both Emmett and I sat in our assigned places, Carlisle sat too and crossed his hands in front of him wearing a deep expression on his face. It pained him to acknowledge the recent past and bring such painful memories to life. They had no idea how it was for me.

"This is a decision as important, if not even more important, than the one we made when we left. Edward settled on staying in Forks. Therefore, there is no impediment for all of us to continue our lives here, but in the same time we have to understand that nothing will be like it has been before we left." He suddenly stopped and my eyes flashed to him. I didn't expect that abrupt lack of focus from his part. His eyes bored into mine, not allowing me to blink or move at all. "Son, are you absolutely sure you can handle being here one more time?" If I could handle being near Bella, was the question spinning in his head, but a question that he didn't dare to say out loud. I was dying to handle being near her. I craved for her presence.

"There is not even a thing on this world that I am more certain about than being capable of living in Forks." Their stares were glued to my face. I knew this conversation was not about the situation of the family. It was all about me. My decisions were not only affecting me, but also my family. Any decision I might think of making, was going to be influential for the future of all of us. "I know all of you doubt my capacity of being here near Bella, of accepting the prospect that she might have gone on with her life. It is an option I considered the moment I decided it was best to leave her side."

"No," Jasper cut in, totally opposing to what I'd said. For an instant I couldn't understand why he was so fired up. I raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to explain himself. Haven't I interpreted their fears right? It was unlikely. His mind couldn't offer me the answers I wanted before he spoke them, for it was full of memories from today's afternoon. "Nothing has changed in these months we've stayed away from Forks. You, Edward, you still can't read Bella's mind, but me, on the other hand, I could sense every emotion that crossed her heart. You may have been too absorbed of the danger that threatened her while on the meadow. All of us have. But that haven't hindered me from reading her like an open book. I'm actually stunned that after the immense love you bear for her you don't have the faculty of noticing how maddeningly in love with you she still is. Edward, the distance you've put between the two of you didn't change in the slightest her feelings. In point of fact, I can say she adores you even more, if such a thing is possible. I'm impressed she didn't break with the intensity of her love. There are few creatures on this world that can carry that amount of adulation and devotion in their souls. Beside Alice and Esme I've never stumbled across someone else who can. Until today. Until the moment, Bella caught sight of you. If you had been able to feel what I felt you would have sensed how a spirit is freed from hellish pain and blessed with divine delight. At first, both of you emanated the same feelings and then your emotions blended into a mixture of exhilaration and fear. You're not the only one afraid, Edward. She was deathly afraid. I'm not quite sure she has realized yet that what she lived today has been the mere reality. You can't even imagine how hard it was for her to see you there close to her and think that she might lose you again. She fears that you don't love her and that you came only because you felt like it was your obligation to save her from Laurent. Taking these into consideration I don't think moving on with her life is an issue to be discussed. She hasn't moved on with her life. She's been waiting for you all this time, exactly the way you've been waiting for her."

This was one of Jasper's longest speeches since he joined our family. He never talked too much, but when he did, his words carried such a powerful aura that it usually left you with your mouth hanging open. My mouth was not hanging open now, but inside I was beyond jolt and disbelief. His words had had an effect more affecting than the one of being kicked in the teeth. My mind was spinning and I had no pillar to clutch on to so as to break out from the tornado I found myself hurled into.

They give me my time to recover from what he'd said, but I would have needed an entire century to wrap my mind around that. I looked him in the eyes and I knew he was telling me the truth. What were the chances that anyone could ever lie to me? Still, I couldn't fathom how Bella still loved me after everything I'd done. In that split second, without wishing for or planning on, my dormant heart had been filled with the excitement of having her again, with the hopes of being allowed to love her forever. In the next split second everything disappeared. As much as I didn't care to be hurt, if that kept Bella happy, I couldn't afford the luxury of actually hoping. I could endure everything except being spectator to the destruction of my hopes. That, I couldn't deal with again.

"Beside the obvious fact we are here again we also have to keep up our make-believe world," Rosalie stepped in in the conversation, taken me aback. It was so like her to think about what people might think of us. However, she was right. We were back in town so the charade was due to commence again.

"All of us are going to continue doing exactly what we've done before. I am going to call to the hospital and say that my wife didn't like to be in Los Angeles so we decided to come back to our house in Forks and so you will attend classes and go on with what you used to do." As he spoke, Carlisle's eyes never left mine. I'd heard him, but my mind was not unerringly attentive to what he'd said. I was still blocked in the middle of my tornado and it was unlikely that I would get out of it too soon. "Edward," he addressed me, "Are you sure you'll manage to be in the same building with…Bella every day?"

"Of course I am," I stated eagerly. I would have darted to school in that moment if I had known she was there. I was ready to be near her and I wanted that more than anything, but it seemed I was missing their point.

"Are you sure you'll manage to be in the same building with her and keep the necessary distance," he rephrased his question. I didn't want to understand those words, but unfortunately for me I'd already had. I stared into his eyes dumbfounded. The point I'd been missing was obvious now. They wanted me to keep on staying away from Bella. As I deciphered that I withdrew my hands from the table immediately. I didn't want to break that table. Esme loved it. She quivered in surprised then frowned thoughtfully.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't. My tongue couldn't throw the words out. I closed it and tighten my jaw fiercely.

"I think it is best this way, Edward," Carlisle whispered in a soothing tone. I let my head fall down and shook it angrily, laughing humorlessly. I could feel their stunned expressions. Raising back my head I confirmed my guess. Everyone looked in shock at me, almost wondering if I was going crazy with my pain. Jasper was frowning, weighing my emotions. The only one who didn't looked odd at me or frown at my reaction, the only one who kept her cold posture was Sonya. Beyond that mask of detached stance I knew she was the one who understood my feelings best, for she'd gone through love and pain too.

"So what am I lacking in that you still have doubts about me?" I spit out, scarcely keeping myself together.

"We don't doubt you," Jasper answered in Carlisle's stead. "It appears that you haven't understood what I tried to tell you." If he'd intended me to understand that she loved me and I loved her back, but I couldn't have her, that would have meant he wanted me to understand that I have to die. "You've long passed the point when you might have put her in danger or anything close to this," he continued. "We don't doubt you. We doubt her." My eyes popped wide open in surprise. He didn't make any sense.

"She can't hurt me," I slurred.

"Can't she?" he asked rhetorically, curving up both his eyebrows. "Anyway," he went on, alarmed by my immediate change of vibes, "My point is not that she might hurt you. My point is that I'm not so sure she can handle this situation as well as you can. She's still human, Edward. She needs time to wrap his mind around these modifications, around the fact that you're back."

As much as it hurt to admit they were right. Not even a second had I thought about that. I'd come back unexpectedly like a hurricane and I interfered in her life for the second time. Wasn't it right to give her some space, to let her ponder over the changes, to permit her to decide what she wanted? If she still wanted me? I squeezed my eyes shut, sat up and turned my face to the wall. It was better if they didn't see me, but Jasper still could feel me.

Realizing that they had been right not only prove me that I had to start slowly and cautiously my journey through the paths I'd once walked on, but also showed me that I'd already let myself hope. It stung deep inside to think that I should and would put a distance between us for as long as she needed to figure out things.

"All we wanted to say, son," Carlisle murmured and I turned back to face them, "is that you should take things little by little, that you should take every step, thinking about all the consequences of it. You are the one who has to think for both of you and you are not allowed to mistake." I nodded absentmindedly. Esme wanted to reach out to me, but I didn't give her the time. I found my way out of the room and walked lifelessly to my piano.

Outside a beautiful twilight marked the end of a day, but that twilight meant also the beginning of my second and more violent turmoil. How was I going to live like that? The good part, though, was that I could see her, smell her, feel her, even if not how I wanted and the bad part was that I was still forced to avoid her. Anyway, it was an enhancement for my situation. At least, I got to see her every day. Like I'd promised…I would linger in the wings if that was what it remained for me.

No one followed me and I didn't bother to follow their thoughts either. I had my own to process. The piano was covered in dust and the keys were cold and different from the ones I'd left behind though I knew they were the same. I wanted to play something. Usually, playing piano was a method to work things out faster, to grab a grip of myself and go on with my life. I touched the keys, but I didn't have the nerve to push them a notch down. Any sound would have echoed hollowly. I wanted to see Bella again. And despite my better judgment, I would probably have plunged toward her room instantaneously if it hadn't been for my annoying little sister who obviously had seen my not-so-hidden intentions.

"She's awake," she informed me as she danced her way to me and jumped up gracefully on the piano. I didn't give her any answer. "And she's actually going crazy with the doubt. Like Jazz said, she's not sure if all this has been true. Of, course she's going to find out in some minutes that everything has been real," she trailed off and my eyes snapped up to her.

_The jacket…_

"Hasn't Charlie found it," I asked, burning with fear.

"No. Bella will find it or better said Bella will pick it up. I've seen her going exactly to that spot so she must remember something." I shook my head. That was impossible. By the time I'd gotten her in the house she was having forty winks.

"She was sleeping when we reached her home," I let Alice know.

"Feminine intuition then," she shrugged it off. "She needed something real to prove that you've been there and she found it. You have probably not noticed that you too are like two magnets. It doesn't matter if you or she is at the other end of the world. Somehow you manage to get back together. You can't oppose to this immense bond of yours."

"And still I have to stay away," I mumbled. Saying it out loud was even more painful. It made the reality a fact, not only a plan for the future.

"Things will get worked out," she comforted me.

"I doubt you see that," I smiled bitterly. It couldn't be that easy. I had to carry out my sentence.

"No. Not yet. But I will…soon enough," she claimed sure of her words. "Meanwhile," she muttered, avoiding my gaze and drumming her fingers on the top of my piano, "someone has to talk to her. I don't think she'll stand to lie in the darkness until Monday." My eyes brightened. I could feel them sparkling in my head. Uselessly…

"I can…" I started, but she dismissed me with a wave of her hand.

"Edward, I think it's better if I talk to her first," she concluded jumping off the piano and heading to the door. In a blink of an eye she'd given up her sympathetic attitude and adopted another one, more nonchalant and commanding, but one that was only a façade. It was difficult for her to get in my way exactly when I obtained what I'd been desperately longed for, what she'd helped me ceaselessly to find.

I sat up, ready to follow her out of the door, despite the fact that I'd already had an impressive picture of her thoughts and she wasn't inclined to let me come with her. She stopped in front of the door, turning to me with a baffled face.

"Mmm…what are you doing, Edward?" she asked widening her eyes in a derisive manner.

"I'm coming with you," I answered as coolly as I could manage. "You'll talk to her and I'll wait for you outside." Her mouth fell open at my words in disbelief. In spite of my best efforts I knew that it was pointless to argue with her over this problem.

"Huh," she sniffed. "You're not going to eavesdrop on me. I need my privacy from time to time." Going up against what Alice wanted was usually an idiotic attempt, which was most likely to end up with her bursting out and making the brave one who had dared to contest her plans be sorry that he'd ever been born. Still, I was willing to try. "Don't bother," she warned.

"And what will I do here, Alice?" I inquired like a punished kid.

"Oh, you can clean the dishes," she suggested with a devilish grin upon her face.

"We don't have dishes to clean, Alice," I mumbled bored and defeated.

"Well…there's an awful lot of dust in the house. Actually, I'm chocking with clouds of dust. You can dust the rooms, while I'm gone. It will certainly be entertaining," she made mock at me before she stuck her tongue out at me and let herself out.

"Alice, let me come," I pleaded, catching up with her.

"No, no and no. And don't you dare sneak around because I will see you and I can assure you I won't react pleasantly. Besides, someone really has to clean up the house."

"Please, Alice," I tried one last time. I knew it was useless.

"No," she breathed, letting out a trace of annoyance, which quickly turned to understanding as she caught a glimpse of my face in her visions. "But, I promise you, I'll show you everything without sparing you the details."

Clinging to that promise I stood motionless in place and watched her snaking through the trees like an arrow directly to my sanctuary. The anticipation, the impatience, the longing suffocated me as my eyes raked deep into the shadows of the forest, long after her silhouette had gone out from my range of view.

* * *

***My apologies for not making her talk yet :) ****but I promise she'll speak soon enough.**


	17. Night of candor

**Chapter 17: Night of candor **

The clock in Carlisle's study was ticking from second to second to my unqualified frustration. Clocks were supposed to do that. To mark how life was pumped out of someone. Though I wasn't in physical danger of dying I felt like it. The increasing torment inside me was growing more and more intolerable. I could choke with it. I couldn't handle it for much longer and Alice was nowhere to be heard. She was a few miles away from my hearing range, but it seemed like the longest ones.

I'd been staying on the piano bench since she left and not once had I made my fingers move on the keyboards. I was too stressed, too stifled to be able to move an inch. My phone was placed on the top of the piano in hope that Alice will call me. I didn't need to be able to see the future to know that my waiting was in vain.

I wished I could move. At least, I'd have something to do, but nothing I came up with helped me stir my muscles. It seemed like my body was sleeping. I wanted it to be brought back, just that the one who had the key to awaken it was Alice. And Alice was currently in Bella's room, around her magnificent presence. I sighed longingly.

My mind was full of questions. What were they talking about? What had Alice told Bella about our departure, about our sudden arrival? How could she possibly explain that we intended to remain in Forks? What reason was she going to give for that? I didn't expect Alice to tell her the truth. That Victoria was lurking in the dark ready to kill her as soon as an opportunity popped for her. There was no necessity to worry Bella and force her to deal with more than she'd already had to.

Impatiently, I grabbed the phone from the piano and flipped it open. There had barely passed half an hour since Alice left. It felt like an eternity. My eyes smoldered for a moment on the display while I debated whether or not I should call Alice. I was surely going to make a fool of myself, but who cared about that. The eagerness to know what was happening was driving me insane. I could hardly keep myself in that spot.

Somewhere in the corner of my eye I noticed Esme looking at me with motherly tenderness and fret. The emotions she felt were discernible all over her face. If Jasper had hung around the house after Alice left he would have hit the roof because of our feelings, especially mine. As soon as Alice's form disappeared through the trees he put his best leg forward and went hunting. Since we were going to take over our living routine in Forks it was recommended for all of us to be completely fed, even over the limit if it was necessary and he had the best excuse.

His absence, though, was truly noticed given that Esme was rubbed off to the core by that sickening anxiety that was soaring above our heads. She needed his soothing ability, but he couldn't absorb such limitless concern. It was beyond his capacity of bearing. I remembered for an instant that he'd felt guilty for running away when he knew his presence was needed. He'd apologized to me in his head. I'd understood him better than he imagined. I was feeling those tormenting emotions first hand. I wouldn't have wished that for my greatest enemy.

"Edward," Esme called from behind. My head automatically turned to her. The sudden interruption made me shiver with a strange sort of panic. Apparently I couldn't deal any longer with strong emotions and to think that she'd only called my name…

She was sitting on the sofa beside Emmett, who kept an arm around her shoulders, watching TV. Although it was absolutely normal for her to watch TV and hang out with us, it was still strange to have her in the same picture with Emmett. She looked so fragile next to him.

"Could you play my song," she pleaded with a sincere smile upon her face. I smiled back as my hands stretched out to the keyboard mechanically. For the first time in a long time.

The song was flowing smoothly, my fingers touching the keys effortlessly. I knew that song by heart. Nothing could have erased it from my mind. She kept smiling contently, satisfied that she distracted me even for a bit from my anguish. But my mind had plenty of room unfilled and playing her song hadn't even occupied the hundredth part of it.

Bella was right there in front of my eyes, inviting me in. I had to make one single step to join her, but a massive outward appearance got into my way. It was a wolf. It was Jacob. It was the past the now was hampering me from reaching the absolute delight. I blinked twice to focus on the present second, but that image didn't go away.

As Esme's song ended, my fingers froze on the last note and my gaze remained glued to the keyboard. A slow rhythmic hum kept whirling inside my head and the more I tried to catch it the more it grew louder and clearer. The sound was not unknown even if it was the first time it pierced my mind. Every bit of it was describing a movement or a whisper, a laugh or a shake of hands, a wink or a wholehearted grin, a smug expression or an infuriated attitude, an impatient up and down walking or an ecstatic run, a sobbing chest or two loving hands wrapping around me in my time of need. It was nothing but Alice's song. And it matched her perfectly. It seemed like that sweet heartwarming melody that was played of its own accord in my head had been waiting for an endless time to be brought to light.

I let my fingers float over the keyboard. The song was composing itself. Every note was mingling together with the rest. Every swish of the keys, trembling under the pressure of my confident fingers was a smile stolen from Alice's unique face, a heartbroken look that she'd once tried to hide, a comforting word that she'd sighed in my ear when I needed the most. This song, which came out natural as the air, represented everything that Alice was. Everything that she meant for me.

Playing the notes I knew were the last, I felt deeply sad. It had lasted for too short in comparison with Alice's never-ending spirit. I was almost decided to go back a few notes and change something, just to make the song longer, but I knew that every modification I would make it would only ruin it. There was nothing that could have been added or cut out from it. It was purely Alice. It didn't need anything more.

I sighed pleased with what I'd done and hoped she would like it. It was hard to surprise her and she'd already known about this. However, a new kind of excitement and impatience took control of my mind. I wanted to play it for her as soon as possible.

"It was beautiful," Esme murmured fascinated. I could feel the childish grin spreading upon my face. _"It has passed so long since you last composed, sweetheart,"_ she went on internally. It was easier sometimes for her to express her feelings without enunciating them out loud.

She was dying to ask me what the occasion was or who the song was for. She could almost bet that it was for Bella, but in the same time wondered if it was for Alice since she'd heard her thankfulness in the clearing. Of course it was for Alice. Bella had her own lullaby and any other melody wouldn't have fit the delightful drum of her heart.

"It's for Alice," I clarified. Her eyes widened for a second, but then she composed herself, looking touched. From upstairs, Carlisle gently called her name, like he didn't want to startle her. She sat up reflexively and headed toward me before ascending the stairs.

"It's so nice of you. She'll love it," she assured me kissing me on the forehead. I closed my eyes inhaling her love. I was overwhelmed. "So what's its name?" she asked eagerly to know.

"Oh, I try very hard not to think about it," I winked and she smiled. On the sofa, Emmett trembled with laughter.

"You realize that she'll find out before you will have the chance to surprise her, don't you?" To a certain extent he was right. The chances of fooling Alice were usually slender, but not inexistent, especially now when her mind was focused entirely on something else.

"Well, I'll do my best to succeed."

"Not that I'd want to ruin your hopes, but you won't."

"Do you want to bet?" I asked him. As soon as the words flew out from my mouth I froze shocked in place. I couldn't believe I'd challenged him to a bet. It had passed so long since the last time I did the same. He turned to me as shocked as I was and stared pointedly.

"What have you just said?" I rolled my eyes and repeated the words. It felt good to discover that I was capable of doing such things again.

"I asked you if you have the mood to lose another bet." He grunted and made strange signs with his hands.

"I'm going to lose nothing and you'll have to go to a cathouse for a month." He was already animated by this sudden turn that things had taken, but there was no way I would go to such a besmirched place.

"And since you're going to lose you will sing Barbie girl in the Forks High School parking lot for a week." He raised an eyebrow in defiance and I smiled in response. It was not in his nature to give up.

"So Esme," he turned to her, "who's going to win this glorious bet?"

"I'm impartial," she giggled. "But it will be a true show to see you singing."

As she made her way upstairs I laughed at Emmett's revolted face, letting my eyes follow her gracious shape. She was angelic. Even if I already knew every note of the song by heart I wanted to write it down on paper. I drew out a sheet of paper from the piano desk and depicted the notes on the stave. It had taken me less than a minute despite my efforts to linger on every sign. I could have done that with my eyes closed and still finish faster than anyone else.

Now, I was again with nothing to keep my mind busy and awfully close to give in to the temptation of flinging to _her. _My eyes rolled around the dim lit room catching a peep at Emmett's face. He was bored without a cure. Since Esme left he had been sitting on the sofa alone flipping through the TV channels and yawning theatrically just to grab my attention, but each time I ignored him successfully. I wasn't in the mood for his affected airs.

He'd been watching for some minutes a baseball game, then his mind quickly drifted to other paths, more familiar and appealing. And still, disgusting. He was remembering the last time Rose and him had a heated moment, which was barely two hours ago. I felt nauseated. And to think that he was recalling those memories just to annoy me.

"Dude…you're disgusting," I scolded in repugnance to his memories.

"No one forces you to watch," he replied satisfied. "Still, you have an advantage. You don't have to watch television for this." My face twisted in disgust and I shuddered. For God's sake, how could he come up with those stupidities?

"And here you are the same old foul," I said rolling my eyes.

"Exactly. Did you miss me?" he asked in a false expression of excitement, winking with unorthodox implications.

"You have no idea," I breathed. And in truth I had missed him or at least his always so joyous side.

He turned his attention back to the TV, but there was nothing there to hold it. In my peripheral view I could notice Sonya amused by Emmett's boredom, coming sheepishly inside. Her thoughts, though, were not concerning him.

"Dude, it's sickening," he burst, annoyed by the monotonous routine our life had turned into, again. "I need Jasper, you know? To calm me down a little."

"I don't think he'll accept of his own free will to take in all your tedium," Sonya chortled, leaning upon the back of the sofa facing me. She didn't look at me, but glanced over her shoulder at Emmett who tried to appear deeply hurt by her words.

"But I am his brother," he complained.

"And he has a system that requires protection against these types of emotions."

"Anyway, I'd rather attend an English class and talk about the prolific eras of literature than sit here doing nothing." Despite my tense mood and lack of enthusiasm, his words were something that could make me die of laughter at any moment.

The sound of my unchained laughter seemed to be like a bolt from the blue for Sonya. She turned her head to me, her eyes widening more and more as she noticed the smile on my face. For once I hadn't forced myself to laugh. It came natural and it felt good.

"That's news for you," I muttered and he snorted.

"I'm a very studious person," he smirked. "It's an accomplishment to be admired that I'm graduating every time despite my best efforts not to."

"You're a natural talent," I said sarcastically.

"Exactly."

Sonya's eyes wandered lazily from Emmett to me. It seemed that every time she met my eyes she felt the need to avoid them. The only reason I could find in her mind was that she was still feeling ashamed and guilty for her past. She thought she was so much worse than any of us and that she didn't deserve to be in our home. I shook my head without realizing what I was doing before I composed myself, putting on a smooth face.

The silence that glided between us for some moments was not helping me direct my concentration to things that didn't include Bella. But what part of my life was not touched by her? What portion of my endless existence didn't rope her in?

"Would you arm wrestle with me, Sonya?" Emmett suddenly asked her, sneering in anticipation.

"I don't think so," she replied still amused.

"See, no one wants to play with me. Of course I'm bored," he trolled rolling his eyes.

"Erm…" she cleared her throat to catch Emmett's attention. "I think someone would play with you. Rose needs your presence in the garage." She would have blushed if nature had permitted her. Even if she hadn't meant anything inadequate, Emmett couldn't help, but think of indecorous circumstances.

"No, I don't," she asserted as she dashed into the room. "I've just finished checking on your car, babe. I will have to change some pieces there. I'm surprised you haven't turned it to dust by now, which reminds me of…" she paused, raising an eyebrow in my direction. "Edward, weren't you supposed to clean up the house?" she struggled to keep an even face.

"Sure, Rose. Do you want me to do the laundry too?" I asked sarcastically. Both Sonya and her giggled looking away from me.

"If you want," she murmured sitting beside Emmett. Certainly he wasn't going to feel bored anymore even if his activity remained the same. By the time Rose looked him in the eyes he'd already forgotten that the TV was in the room.

Sonya came closer to me with a wary mind-set, eying a chair near the piano. She didn't want to disturb me. She had no idea how disturbed I wanted to be. That was the only way I could survive until Alice came back.

"I didn't know you play so marvelously the piano. Actually, I can't even remember when the last time I listened to someone playing the piano was," she confessed. I was afraid that the conversation could reach painful subjects. I didn't want her to be sad.

"Thank you." What else could I have said? I had always been a little reluctant to appreciations. It wasn't any different now.

"Everything will be alright," she ensured me after another pause of silence. "You'll sort things out. I have a hunch." My eyes found her blinding smile. For a second I couldn't doubt her words, but in the next I remembered that I was still waiting for Alice to come back. The reports she was going to give me were crucial to my future, to my sanity, to my life.

"Thank you," I repeated. "I would give anything for your words to be true."

"Well, I'm not Alice, but a woman's sixth sense never lies," she tried to joke.

"It never does," I whispered under my breath remembering Alice's words the night I decided that we should leave Forks for good.

"_You won't be able to stay away from her,"_ she'd told me and I had bitterly contradicted her. Now we were back here and I was dying to lurk around Bella. Alice's sixth sense hadn't been mistaken.

"Sonya, check this out," Rose called her all of a sudden. I chuckled under my breath as I took notice of the reason. They were planning on getting her a car and it wasn't even Alice's idea. She looked at me expectantly, but I shook my head, not giving her any clue about what was looming for her, before she sat up and headed back to the sofa beside Em and Rose.

I could have sat up too from that bench and participate in their conversation, but my legs didn't want to move, my lips were shut and my mind was fully and undeniably stirred by what was happening at Bella's house. I would have gone hunting, just for something to do, if I hadn't known Jasper was in the woods too. I didn't want to disturb the little peace of mind he had. Besides, I wasn't sure about my ability of fully controlling my feet and keep them from running toward the only place I was forbidden to run to. Alice had already made her point pretty clear and she didn't want me to be there as long as she talked to Bella. Maybe it was better that way.

Being glued to that spot I decided to press my forehead to the piano and wait as patiently as I was able to. The clock's ticking from Carlisle's study begin buzzing in my ears again. I let out a few breaths, but I could feel how I was slowly suffocating inside myself. I was trapped and I couldn't free my heart all by myself. I needed help.

When finally that blissful help was on its way to me, when Alice was close enough for me to hear her, I didn't dart to meet her. I surprised myself by realizing that I had left the compulsory restraint to wait for her in the house. Sonya, Rose and Emmett, all turned to look at me as if they'd expected me to burst in flames when this moment would arrive. To my amazement, I could see in their minds that I was looking reasonably calm and casual. In truth, I could scarcely breathe.

She came directly to me jumping again on the top of the piano, stretching on her back and looking deep into the ceiling, without saying a word. Words were senseless now. She put me out of my misery and opened up her mind for me, remembering her visit. I breathed carefully. Surely, it was my last breath for as long as I was going to be caught in her memories.

She took stand in front of her house three hours ago. I could hardly believe that I'd subdued myself for that long. It felt like I was right beside her, standing in front of the door and hesitating to knock like she had. Her face looked sad and yet happy, terrified and yet calm. My eyes dropped to her face and immediately she tried to cut out that part of the memory. My hand gripped hers and her frame tightened under my clutch.

"Don't spare me the details," I reminded her. She loosened her posture and let me see everything.

She had hesitated for ten minutes before she decided to knock at the door, a time not too long for a common vampire, but endless for Alice. The wind was whirling in her hair, ravaging her outfit. She didn't care. She didn't even try to smooth her dress. Her hands were trembling and her eyes were glued to the door, but her fingers didn't clench into a fist and thumped at it so her presence could be noticed. I could understand perfectly well what had been in her mind. How hard it had been. Watching her memory I grew more and more impatient and scared. What had happened? How had Bella dealt with Alice's visit?

She pressed her hand against the door like she wanted to feel the pulse inside the house when the light on the porch had been turned on. She jumped and tensed defensively, then composed herself when she realized she had been startled only by a light. Her fragility was striking me like a thunder from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. I could still not understand why she hadn't let me come with her.

Taking a last breath she forced herself to knock, then she waited. I knew those two minutes it took Charlie to answer the door must have seemed the longest of her life. Stiff steps, that betrayed the strong attitude of a policeman, approached the entrance and suddenly the door was wrenched open revealing Charlie who was staring down at Alice in shock. His mouth was hanging open and across his face were dancing hundreds of emotions. There was surprise, fear, anger, but what stood out from all those emotions was the happiness of seeing Alice again. Charlie had always loved her.

"_Alice,"_ he breathed. She faintly shifted her weight forward and put on a smile that visibly fooled him. I could read that smile better than my own and it was heartbreaking. I couldn't understand how it was possible for humans to be so easily duped.

"_Charlie,"_ she sang, struggling to act casually_. "It's been such a long time. Can I come in? I am so happy to see you."_

He motioned her inside speechlessly and closed the door, turning to face her. Despite the careless attitude that Alice had adopted she'd been aware of every little move or sound in the house. Charlie's heartbeats were unsteady and he was truly shaken by her sudden appearance. I knew what he must have thought. That he was living a dream, or maybe a nightmare. His brows furrowed and his eyes glanced involuntarily upstairs. Though his protective shield that had always guarded Bella was now between the two of us I couldn't help, but admire and respect the love he bore for his daughter.

An awkward silence threatened to tumble between them given that words were clearly failing Charlie and Alice was digesting the situation by dint of great exertion. It was truly obvious what he wanted to know the most. If I was back too. He was actually scared of the possibility that I might be the next to knock at the door. I was certain of that.

Alice ran her fingers through her hair and sighed heavily. It was the moment of truth, the worst one, or at any rate the moment she had to make up a truth. Her lips quivered weakly, almost imperceptible, sign that gave away her tremendous emotions.

"_You're back,"_ Charlie murmured in consternation. Alice nodded, waiting for him to speak. It was easier that way. _"Alice, I don't mean any disrespect, but what are you doing here?"_ Suddenly his mood changed, his usual easy-going and endearing behavior turned into a hostile posture, drawing a defensive armor around himself, but especially around the one who was wheezing upstairs. He was a warrior. He was ready to fight against everyone and everything. For Bella. I knew it. Alice had made an excellent job out of absorbing everything inside that house and yet allowed me to make my own impressions of each and every thing said and done.

"_It has passed so long Charlie. I…I missed you so much. I missed Bella,"_ she moaned. He'd read the truth in her words and he knew how fond of Bella she was. _"I'd want to see her if that's alright."_ She wasn't asking. She was demanding.

Charlie didn't answer, didn't move. If I had been the one asking to see Bella and using that stern, but still overwhelmed tone I would have most certainly been hurled outside without even touching his heart a bit. Having Alice in front of him, though, it was a completely different situation. His expression was past bewilderment and concern. He actually was afraid. Like Alice had done, I could read on his face so many emotions blooming and melting to make room for others. Those were emotions I'd never seen, emotions that I'd missed. He'd taken part at every moment of Bella's life that I'd been away, he knew what I didn't and now all those memories and feelings were haunting him.

"_I don't know if this is a good idea."_ Alice wanted to object, but he dismissed her with his hand and continued. _"Alice, you don't know how it has been for her, how hard it has been. So don't accuse me if I'm reluctant to let you see her now when she's finally giving signs of rehabilitation. She has just begun to move on to a life without…without the memories."_ Without me…I tensed to keep from breaking into pieces. In fact, I couldn't blame him for trying to protect the most precious thing he had. I'd tried to do the same, although I'd failed miserably and in my attempt I'd hurt her like no one else before.

"_I think I know better than you can imagine, Charlie. This hasn't been easy for us, either."_

"_Really?"_ he asked sarcastically. _"Because the last time I checked he left her behind without as much as a glance."_ I sighed, letting out the pain as both the Alice next to me and the Alice from the vision frowned in irritation.

"_You are just being unfair. It has never been easy, not even when we decided to leave. So now, when we are back I think Bella has the right to know. I think it's better if she finds out from one of us."_

"_What?"_ he cried. Alice didn't flinch, but upstairs Bella gasped worriedly. Even through Alice's memory I could distinguish the sounds made by my only love_. "Are you telling me that you are back? All of you?"_ His protective shield was back on, shining brighter than ever. Being stronger than ever.

"_Yeah, we are back. All of us."_ His eyeballs threatened to explode in his skull, his heartbeats accelerated and he was fuming all his accumulated anger. There was no room for pushing him further. _"Los Angeles proved to be too dry and crowded for Esme's health and liking. The whole environment was unfavorable to her and she'd rather be here anyway, so Carlisle decided we should come back and here we are,"_ she explained neither forcing too much information on Charlie nor trying to reach his limits and give him a heart attack. He had no reaction. It was already too much for him. He seemed to ponder his thoughts for a while before he snapped, battling to keep a smooth face.

"_Alice, I won't let him break her again."_ I tautened harder.

"_He will never do this on purpose,"_ Alice chocked. Her suffering face dragged me out from my pool of anguish. It was still difficult to grasp her wish and efforts to protect me or how she suffered every time I did. That bound that tied us was unlikely to ever wear off, but every time I saw her aching like that for me I couldn't help, but feel more miserable and guilty.

"_He's done it when he left her. He has no right to come back in her life when he pleases,"_ Charlie puckered his brows and Alice frowned right back at him, taking a step toward the spot which he was glued in.

"_You don't know how it has been for him either. So don't judge him."_ She had always had a talent for leaving people speechless, but now Charlie was not only speechless, but also outraged. The fury hindered him from speaking, not Alice's seriousness and authority.

"_I guess we don't have the same opinion about this,"_ he spat through his barred teeth.

"_I guess you are right,"_ she smiled, attempting to return to better feelings. He couldn't hold back a small smile of his own. _"Please, Charlie, please let me see her."_ He dwelled in his mind for a moment, then he came closer to Alice putting a hand on her shoulder.

"_If I let you now see Bella that will not mean I will be any more considerate regarding your brother than I've been two hours earlier. I won't allow him to be near her, either."_ She smiled sadly and nodded. Firstly, she had to regain her territory in order to have control over Charlie's heart. After that, I knew she was going to regain the necessary territory for me too. Just like she always did.

"_I know, but if you knew what he feels you wouldn't say that."_ Without another word he led the way to Bella's room and Alice followed obediently. My heart would have beaten if that had been allowed by nature. It was a matter of mere seconds until my mind would be filled by her presence.

The door opened and Alice peeked inside under Charlie's arm. He wanted to announce her presence, but stopped in the last second and let her enter in the room, leaving silently. Alice stepped in shyly and closed the door behind her. Bella was lying on the bed with her back to the door and her face to the window, curled up into a ball. You could have said she was sleeping, but she was not. Those sobs that were shaking her chest couldn't come from a sleeping person. Alice knew it. She closed her eyes looking for the strength to go on, then took a hushed step toward the bed like she feared that any sound could shatter the beautiful creature resting on it. The room was crammed with an air of tears as she whispered carefully _"Bella?"_

She couldn't answer. A painful sigh escaped her lips and made her body twitch in ache. She'd recognized that voice. She must have known who had called her name as soon as the word parted from Alice's mouth. I watched the memory transfixed. I had no idea what to expect.

"_Bella,"_ Alice whispered again, taking slow steps toward the bed. Bella trembled her way into a sitting position without turning her head toward the one who had called her name or moving in any other way. She was just acting like a machine. I caught my breath, focusing only on watching her.

Alice hedged around the bed and planted herself in front of Bella, but she still didn't move. I could feel Alice's emotions burning through my eyes. They had a magnitude I'd neither expected nor imagined that could be possible for her to bear. Feelings that had been hidden for so long were now coming alive, biting through the fortress she'd built around herself to keep me away from more pain.

It seemed that Bella wasn't planning on speaking too soon and Alice knew she had to offer her the needed silence. After all, her presence there did nothing, but confirm her that everything that happened, including her near death experience has been the sheer reality. She sat on the bed next to Bella, patiently waiting, while her eyes bored into her blank expression. After a couple of minutes, Alice tensed up instinctively. She knew what was coming.

"_I'd been debating for an hour whether I'm hallucinating or everything that happened was in fact real,"_ she talked like someone afraid that will be caught doing something prohibited, _"before I finally made myself go downstairs and look for any kind of proof that could show me that I haven't lost my mind entirely. And behind the couch I found this,"_ she gestured with my jacket in her hands. Alice's gaze dropped to the blue fabric in Bella's hands as did mine. Even if it was the second time she was living this, she was still taken aback, which was more atypical than seeing Emmett clumsy. He'd once predicted that the day Alice will be surprised by someone or something that day will be the eve of the Apocalypse. Lately, there had been a lot of surprises and unexpected events. _"So I guess I hadn't been dreaming and neither lost my marbles."_ She made another pause and my chest was crossed by another arrow of burning pain. Though I'd heard her voice through Alice's visions more than once in my time of exile, now it felt completely different. It felt real. Like she was right beside me. Like I could touch her like I could breathe her staggering scent. Alice didn't say a word and for once I couldn't tell if it was because she wanted to let Bella pour her heart out or because she was way over the top with her emotions_. "I picked up the shirt,"_ Bella resumed_, "and I knew it was…I remembered…I recognized everything about that shirt,"_ she stammered. _"But Charlie came in and I turned around in that precise moment, drawing back instinctively the shirt. I didn't know what to say. By that time I was definitely sure that I hadn't been making up scenarios, but I wasn't prepared to talk about it and I didn't know what I was supposed to explain to him. I managed to get back in my room quickly, but he noticed that something was out of its normal course. Luckily he didn't come up here until…now."_ She stopped again as she took a deep breath. I only imagined how it would have felt if she had exhaled near me. Her breath blowing in my face, her warmth making my hair stand up on the back of my neck, but not because of fear, but because of the incredible pleasure I would have gone through. _"Why have you come back, Alice? Why haven't you let Laurent kill me?"_

"_Kill you? Oh, now I think you're losing your marbles,"_ Alice snapped so abruptly that Bella flinched an inch away. Being a witness to her impossible to disturb attitude I would have thought she will remain calm to whatever Bella would say. I wouldn't have conceived the possibility of seeing Alice slipping off the handle. _"How can you say such a thing? Don't you realize anything at all?"_ Bella looked utterly puzzled as Alice could hardly breathe because of the anger. She was angry for me too because I could only suffer now hearing her say that she'd rather have died.

"_I realize that I'm alive because you've felt obliged to save me and I'll have to live through another day knowing that you will leave again. I don't want to live like that anymore. I can't,"_ she moaned. The pain was reaching an unbearable peak, but somehow I was capable of breathing and Alice seemed to be too. She composed herself immediately and smiled somberly.

"_You've understood nothing when you should have known this from the beginning. We are not here because we felt obliged in any way to save you. We are here because we love you. All of us. And we would have returned anyway. Or at least one of us would have…"_ she trailed off mysteriously. Obviously she was referring to me.

Bella took a minute to recover from Alice's words, allowing me to explore her angelic features. She was in pain, but still her face was lightened up by something. I couldn't tell what. I didn't have the guts to hope. She seemed to be pondering what she had just heard, but in the end her expression singled that she didn't believe what Alice said. She smiled depressingly and run her fingers through her head. The motion of her body made my mind run wild.

"_And that's why I'm here,"_ Alice broke the silence. _"We thought it would be the best way if you found out from one of us. We are going to stay in Forks."_ Bella's mouth dropped open in disbelief and a strange kind of anxiety quickly took over her. Was she afraid of us? Of me? I winced at the thought and crossed my hands in my lap to keep from breaking something.

"_You're not leaving?"_ she threw each word out, speaking above a whisper.

"_No. Can't you see, Bella? We can't go away now. He can't leave you."_ The instant the conversation return to me Bella squeezed her eyes shut and held her breath. It was obvious how painful the subject was for her_. "We are here because we wanted to,"_ Alice hurried to add foreseeing Bella's reply.

"_You don't have to do this. You have no obligation for me and you are not responsible…"_ she trailed away panting and fighting back tears that squashed me completely. I was so close to run back to her and beg forgiveness. Alice's hand caught me in the same second I thought about that and went on with her memory.

"_I've told Charlie that we are back because the weather wasn't favorable to Esme and that Carlisle decided to come back and take up again our normal duties here,"_ Alice tried to ignore the limitless skepticism that Bella was baring. _"For us it will be school again, for Carlisle his job at the hospital, which I've already seen that they will happily hand it back and as far as Esme's concerned, she'll still be the angel who puts us in motion and keeps us sane. That's the story for humans to know, but we both know that things are totally different."_

Bella was just listening, but she seemed to be in a dream. She didn't believe what she was hearing. In point of fact, it would have been surprising if she had believed that she was truly awake.

"_So you're really staying?"_ she asked again.

"_Have I ever lied to you?"_ Bella's head turned to Alice and looked her in the eyes for a while, then her two chocolate crystals turned to pools of bitter tears. She threw herself in Alice's arms, sobbing and panting, and let the tears flood out.

"_I missed you so much,"_ she mumbled between sobs.

"_I missed you too."_ Tough Alice kept herself in one piece and resisted the urge to sob and cry in her own way, she was beyond any belief engulfed in her feelings. Finally, she was exhausted to hide how broken inside she was. She was letting all out.

There was something in that image that cut my dead heart in slices. It was the moment I truly understood my big mistake. I should have never left Bella. Not after I'd fallen in love with her irrevocably and dragged her into my love too. We couldn't be apart and by thinking that we could, I had not only killed myself, but also reduced her to a wilted life.

"_You still don't believe me, aren't you?"_ Alice solicited. _"You don't believe that we are back here to stay and we are not confined by any kind of obligation?"_

"_I do,"_ Bella forced out unconvincingly.

"_Then why do I see that you'll ask me again if we stay in less than ten minutes?"_ Alice inquired with half a smile upon her face. Bella freed herself from Alice's embrace and tried to explain.

"_I've lived without you for what it seems an eternity. It's not so easy to get used to the fact that you are back. It's not easy to get rid of the fear of losing you again."_ Unexpectedly, Alice chuckled at her words. I was as bowled over as Bella. She stopped short and straightened staring interrogatorily at my sister.

"_I wasn't trying to wound your feelings,"_ she explained. _"But it's amazing how you and Edward use the same words, same phrases, without thinking or knowing."_ Bella grimaced at my name and immediately Alice realized she had let it slip. She waited without insisting upon the matter. As we all had known it was going to be difficult to get things into their previous groove._ "By the way,"_ Alice carried on, _"we are really planning on staying. After all, in Denali you'd sooner walk naked than wear decent clothes. On one hand, it's too cold for any kind of fashion and on the other hand there are hardly any people to see you. So it's useless to live there."_ Bella watched her for a moment then gave a small smile. Alice's record at making people laugh when she wanted was clean. She smiled back at Bella pleased with her feat.

"_Time hasn't changed you," _she muttered timidly.

"_And to think that they have been living with me for almost a decade and I'm still alive,"_ Alice joked. I knew what she'd tried to do. She was successfully lifting up Bella's mood. Therefore, I couldn't comprehend why she was cheerless now.

"_Jasper will keep you alive,"_ Bella went on. Alice's eyes widened and her lips glued together. Bella had the time to breathe once then something clicked in her mind_. "Oh…"_ she whispered almost ashamed. Why on earth had she felt ashamed to pronounce Jasper's name? She'd been the victim, the prey. She'd been the one suffering. There was no justification for her to feel ashamed or anything close to that. But Bella was always going to be the kind and selfless type. _"How is he?"_ she managed to ask. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I was in my time of bleeding. Or maybe I was feeling jealous like an idiot. Stating that she was willing to discuss anything, but me was certainly heartrending.

"_He's fine. He's been repentant ever since…"_ Bella winced in pain, not giving Alice the time to hold her words. Clearly, that moment was as spanking new in her mind as it was in mine. _"That moment,"_ she mended her mistake frowning slightly. It was a subject as sensitive for her as it was for us_. "He's taken all the blame on himself and he almost hates himself for doing what he's done, but I swear to you Bella that he couldn't control himself. It was too much. He would never do that again."_

"_I know,"_ Bella cut in. _"I understand completely."_ Of course she did.

"_And in the end his precautions have been extreme and pointless. He knew it even if he played the role of the tough one."_ She tried to ignore her last words, but I couldn't and a small hiss escaped my mouth. On top of everything else I was rude too. Too bad the thinking came after the display of my poor manners.

"_How are the others?"_ she barely murmured. Alice's brows furrowed slightly – perhaps she'd noticed the not so subtle attempts of Bella to avoid any subject that included me – then she answered the question.

"_Esme is delighted that we are back since she truly felt uncomfortable in Denali, not because of Tanya or anything, but she loves her home and that was not our real home. Carlisle would be anywhere just to be with us and he will be back at the hospital tomorrow morning. But no need to run into the ER as soon as he gets there,"_ Alice messed about Bella's tendency to get into trouble and involuntarily I chuckled at the same time Bella did.

"_I'll try to stay clean for a while,"_ she promised.

"_That's the spirit,"_ Alice grinned widely. I didn't know why, but I had the feeling that she'd foreseen something. Something that she didn't show me now. Her smile wore something too secretive to be above suspicion. _"Em and Rose are getting into their usual selves again, which is no miracle. And I've been trying to figure out for the last couple of minutes why Em might sing this week in the parking lot, but I have no answer. But thinking about it a little it's not that hard to guess,"_ she winked and I burst into laughter as Bella put on a confused face. _"It's surely a bet and in spite of the fact that Emmett loves to bet he usually loses them."_

Emmett voice boomed into my ears, but I couldn't make myself turn to him. I wasn't triumphant yet. I still had to focus to think about anything, but the name of Alice's song.

"What? What is it?" he demanded from the couch. He got no answer and the memory went on.

"_And Edward…Edward is finally behaving like a living being. Given your lack of confidence you'd be stunned to know how happy he is that we are back. For the first time in a long time he seems alive,"_ Alice oozed the words in a downpour, not giving Bella time to shy away or to stop her. She was clearly affected by what Alice had said, but I couldn't decide whether it was because she cared or because she'd rather not know anything concerning me.

"_Have you stayed only in Denali?"_ she asked playing the same avoiding game. _"I thought you'd be traveling, meeting new people. Vampires get distracted easily,"_ she uttered like a machine. I knew those words were mine not hers.

"_Do you actually think that's true?"_ Alice raised an eyebrow expecting an answer, but Bella just shrugged_. "Mostly, yeah. We went out of town for eating purposes."_ Though she was maintaining her tactic of keeping a stress-free atmosphere she was slowly growing upset. She wanted to get to a point, but she didn't know how_. "Bella,"_ she finally decided to let it out, _"I wanted to ask you this from the first time I set out for your home. No. Actually, I wanted to ask you for a long while."_

"_What is that?"_ she sniveled warily.

"_Why have you tried so hard to kill yourself?"_ she challenged straightforwardly. Bella took a sharp breath and pulled away from Alice. She looked like a thief caught with his hands on what he's just stolen.

"_I don't understand,"_ she moaned evading Alice's pointed stare.

"_You understand perfectly. You've approached those scoundrels across the street back in Port Angeles because it was like deja-vu. You thought no one will be there to save you again so you took a crack at it with the main goal to get hurt. You've started to ride motorcycles for the only purpose of getting hurt and you've been successful. Because you ended up in the ER with seven stitches on your cut. And you've been so close to getting lethally hurt when you haven't even expected to,"_ Alice chided her. More than anything Bella looked surprised.

"_How do you know all these?"_

"_Hmph,"_ Alice puffed_. "Did you except me not to?"_ Bella moved her fingers to her temples pressing pitilessly. _"To be honest I haven't watched your future after we left. Edward forbade me to because he said he'd made you a promise,"_ she droned rolling her eyes. _"Like he could have ever kept it. But after four months a vision stabbed my brain and it wasn't to be ignored. Because you were putting yourself into harm's way of your own accord."_ She paused for a minute, watching Bella's mortified face. _"Do you have the faintest idea how he felt when he found out? Can you imagine how hard it has been for him not to come back immediately?"_ As Alice finished her sentence, Bella clenched her fists into the quilt on the bed and struggled to collect herself. Her features were flustered into the most anguishing form of pain.

"_He shouldn't have felt responsible,"_ she faltered.

"_Oh, Bella,"_ she complained frustrated. _"Haven't you understood anything from what I've been telling you? He wouldn't have returned because of duty's sake, but because…"_ she stopped and I wondered what he'd wished to say.

"_Because…?"_ Bella waited.

"_That's something he has to tell you, not me,"_ she made things clear, then arched an eyebrow waiting for her answer too. If it was my turn to tell the continuation of her phrase it would be "_because he loves you"._

"_That night in Port Angeles I saw those guys and I could focus on nothing else,"_ Bella finally decided to put in plain words her behavior. Alice listened to her intently_. "Their presence lugged me toward them and I couldn't fight that feeling. It was too powerful. I can't explain it properly, but I felt the need to go nearer and nearer. Maybe, I wanted to finish everything off for a change. At that point I was only alive because of Charlie and Renee, but there were times I couldn't even think of them first. There were times I couldn't deal with the pain,"_ she chocked. I turned stone still. How I'd wished to scream so my stupid mistake could be vanished. But it was impossible. Alice reached out to Bella and stroked the back of her head as she struggled to calm down. _"And seeing them across the street seemed like and end for everything. I walked toward them in a haze, but I stopped frozen when I heard a voice, which was not coming from anywhere near me. I needed some time to realize the voice was only in my head, but I needed no time to know exactly whose voice was. It was…Edward's."_ As she sighed my name my whole body shivered with all the possible feelings. I was tossed between pain and pleasure and I could taste on my tongue the bittersweet flavor of the past that was always going to haunt me. _"I knew that it was not possible to hear his voice, that I was hallucinating, but that didn't stop me to take a step forward. I know I might sound idiotic and thoughtless, but I needed those hallucinations to keep going and I sought them as hard as I could." _

One moment she was sitting on the bed beside Alice and the next she was standing in front of her window covering her face with her trembling hands. Was it possible for my heart to throb inside my chest? At once, Alice was beside her patting her shoulder and humming reassuringly in her ear. Despite her best efforts she was crying. I wanted so dreadfully to hold her in my arms, but maybe she didn't want me to. The doubt was killing me softly.

Alice had been doing a great jog in hiding her feelings, but now her feelings melted into Bella's, piece by piece. It was like I hadn't left just one of them. It was like I had left them both. I exhaled, but the pain remained inside and it was sucking the life out of me like a leech. I needed her more than ever.

"_Maybe I am truly insane since I let those hallucinations go so far,"_ Bella blubbered out between tears_, "but they were like an antidote to the pain. I kept deluding myself, but I guess it's time to stop now."_ Alice took her hand and pulled her toward the bed making her sit as she drew a chair to take a seat in front of her.

"_Listen to me,"_ she ordered while wiping her tears. _"You're not insane, you've not been letting anything go so far and you haven't been deluding yourself. Because nothing has been up to you. I am more or less the one responsible for everything you've been hearing."_ Bella's eyes burst wide open, staring disbelievingly at Alice, then frowned like she thought Alice was making fun of her.

"_It's not funny,"_ she peeped, proving my assumptions.

"_After we left I couldn't just watch him waste away and think about you doing the same. I knew everything was wrong, but I had to do as I was told. However, my patience has been quickly consumed and I set off to find something, anything just to make the situation bearable."_ Alice was trolling without even breathing, but Bella appeared to be too impatient to listen to the entire story. _"OK. The point is that I found someone with a gift I had never seen before and so we managed to send you all those messages. Actually it's been a surprise that you've received them. We haven't been sure until the first message was confirmed to be sent, which was the moment you took that step forward in Port Angeles."_ Slowly her voice faded out and her eyes zeroed in on Bella's expression. I was dying for her to have a reaction, but she was too shocked to do anything. Her lips pressed together and her jaw tightened as she tried desperately to hold back tears. How much I'd wished to know what she'd do if she knew I was in fact sending those messages to her, I still wished to know, but deep inside I was terrified. What if she'd told Alice that she'd be better off without me? When I left I'd told her no differently, but I couldn't think that I'll hear the same from her. It would have been too much for me to put up with.

"_So you're telling me that…No. It can't be true."_

"_But it is, Bella,"_ Alice contradicted her sternly, clenching her teeth. I knew how much Alice had disapproved of Bella's behavior even if at the time she committed those reckless actions, she'd tried to understand her and prevent me from losing my mind due to the ache that pierced through me mercilessly_. "And he saw every little attempt you made toward your potential destruction and he felt powerless each time. Because he never had the necessary time to reach you early enough to save you."_

Bella kept gazing at Alice, thunderstruck, her lips quivering slightly as her eyes bit by bit filled with tears. She seemed to be incapable of doing anything. Perhaps she needed all her energy to grasp what she'd taken notice of. I was overwhelmed by sadness as I become aware one more time of how rapidly she'd believed I didn't want her and how strongly she still did.

"_He saw…everything?"_ she gasped both in horror and distrust. Alice nodded gravely like someone who has seen too much. I was gradually preparing to stand up, seeing how Bella was on the point of fainting, though what I was watching was already a thing of the past. She threw herself in Alice's lap and let those violent tears rain heavily. Alice hovered over her stroking her back, her arms, her head as she tried to make her stop crying, but the more she tried the harder Bella cried. _"But he promised he won't interfere again. He didn't care…"_ she sobbed. Alice shook her head exasperated and pulled Bella upright putting her index finger under her chin and lifting her head. Those crying eyes were the death of me.

"_And you believed him?"_ Alice demanded almost angrily_. "Did you really believe a word he said? Was he that good in lying to you?"_ Bella could answer none of her questions and I was so pained that I almost couldn't look. Her devastated face carried a ghost of my own. She was trying to speak, but each time she opened her mouth she would throttle with tears_. "I was almost certain that you'll burst into laughter as soon as he would start his speech, but you actually believed. I was counting on you that we'll stay."_ They looked into each other's eyes silently for a moment, Bella's tears making their way down her cheek leaving behind red eyes, stinging with pain. It took her less than a second to blink and fill her eyes again with tears. It looked as if her eyes were the mouth of a river. But these new tears were tears of guilt and she had no right to feel guilty. I clenched my teeth and breathed deeply. Bella's scent was all over Alice's clothes. _"Stop crying,"_ Alice strived to console her_. "I wasn't telling you these to feel at fault. I was telling you these to realize that whatever he has told you it was not the truth. He had to go, but not because he didn't want you. Do you have the slightest idea how horrendously broken he's been? You are surely thinking that all this time he's been bright and breezy when in truth he's been killing himself little by little with his pain. He hasn't just left you. He has left everyone. He couldn't even stand to be around us. He couldn't stand to be around anyone, and that's not exactly because he was too buoyant to see the world."_

Her voice broke as she cupped her face with her tiny hands trying without succeeding to hide the helplessness dancing across every part of her body. The misery was right there in her eyes and I could find my own melted with hers. All that time of waiting for Alice to come back from Bella's I hadn't stopped once to think what the real reason was for her to want me to stay behind. I hadn't thought it would be so hard for her to talk to Bella about me and so hard for me to hear her do that. The entire image was bringing back memories of a time I could barely keep myself alive. Those memories were stories of my own personal hell.

"_He said he didn't want me,"_ Bella repeated robotically.

"_But he'd told you before how much he loves you. You should have believed that, not this stupid lie." _

Both were at a loss of words and seemed to be too tired to speak so Alice outstretched her arms to squeeze Bella in a tight hug. They stood in silence grasping the turn that things had taken. I felt so close to them that I could hold my hand out and touch the smooth hair of my beloved angel. But I was in front of my piano and Bella most likely was sleeping in her bed.

"_And you…"_ Bella spoke up, disrupting the silence and making my fingers trembled with excitement. Her voice was lighter, her eyes opened and all the pieces of evidence that could have given away the fact that she'd been crying were gone. She seemed like she's awaken from a long sleep. I wondered if she was thinking about me or if she still believed my cruel lie. _"How have you been? You've told me about everyone, except about yourself."_

"_Me? Torn between dragging Edward out of his misery and keeping an eye on you, I haven't had a lot of time to do anything else, but besides that I've been the life and soul of everything."_

"_I'm sorry,"_ Bella whispered and Alice shook her head.

"_I guess I need a break,"_ she went on. _"Though the others will have to put an end to their endless holiday and go back to school."_ For a second Bella seemed so shocked that she couldn't breathe, though Alice had mentioned before that we'll resume our courses. It was like she heard that for the first time. She even gave the impression to be afraid.

Alice encircled the room with a single look and her eyes stopped on the clock on Bella's nightstand which was showing past midnight. She sighed soundlessly, obviously thinking about what Charlie would say. As far as he knew Alice was a human who slept at night and traveling from Los Angeles to Forks must have surely exhausted her. It was time to leave.

"_Argh,"_ she jumped, startling Bella, who was dropping off against her will. _"I think I should leave,"_ she announced and Bella rose terrified to her feet. _"Home,"_ Alice clarified, pulling Bella back on the bed. _"Charlie will kick me out. I've already abused too much of his tolerance for a single night."_

"_Then he would be forced to kick us both out."_ She was pleading with her eyes for Alice to stay and Alice noticed that. She adopted her best soothing face to convince Bella that they'll see each other again. Moving swiftly she skipped out of bed and flatten her dress with one hand as the other rested on Bella's shoulder.

"_So school begins three days from now and I really have to renew my wardrobe. I doubt that three days will be sufficient to find everything I want, but I'll give it a try."_ The doubt and fear didn't leave Bella's face not even for a second._ "I'd take you with me if I knew Charlie will quit the theatrics, but I've already seen he won't agree so what do you say about letting him get used to the facts?"_

"_Why would Charlie disagree of me coming with you shopping?"_ Bella asked confused.

"_Because he doesn't want you anywhere near Edward,"_ she replied more frankly than the situation required.

Bella's eyes dropped to her fingers and took a deep breath before she murmured _"It's not of his business."_

"_You should sleep now,"_ Alice indicated, somehow satisfied with her answer. _"You too have to get used to the truth that we are here to stay. I'm not yet totally sure that you've believed me."_ Winking Alice headed for the door, but as she reached the handle Bella called her name.

"_Alice,"_ she summoned, _"can I ask you something?"_ Alice turned to discover a complete embarrassed Bella glancing everywhere except where she was standing.

"_Of course,"_ she consented.

"_Have I…have I kissed him?"_ she mumbled hesitating on each word. My face melted of emotion and my lips parted as I remembered her soft lips on mine and that sweet sensation of having her close to me.

"_Yes,"_ Alice smiled. I was barely keeping myself in place. The urge to hold Bella again was more powerful than everything I'd ever experienced. My eyes focused only on Bella's silhouette and my inner eyes got blinded for the tinniest part of a second. Had she smiled in response to Alice's answer or was I imagining? _"I suppose I haven't brought you the answers you expected,"_ Alice suddenly continued_. "But there are not my words to say. There are his…and he is the only one who should clear this entire situation up for you both." _

As she finished she let herself out of the room and closed the door behind her. I could still see Bella lying on the bed. When she touched the last stair, her eyes found Charlie waiting half asleep on the sofa, but she was not in the mood to give explications. She wanted to leave as much as I wanted her to come back home. Like a ghost she approached the door, but she didn't move fast enough for Charlie not to sense her. After all he was the chief of police. He had sharper senses than most humans.

"_I'm glad you're here, Alice,"_ he whispered just before Alice could touch the door handle. She turned to him, finding him sitting into an awkward position on the sofa and making great efforts not to cry. His eyes were red in the corners.

"_I am too,"_ she stated simply, rushing to pull him into a warm hug. _"I know you don't believe me, but I am his sister and I can assure you I've seen more of him than any other person in this world. And I also know that Bella is your daughter and that you're trying to protect her, but he will never hurt her just for something to do. You can't even imagine how it had ground him the thought that she might be suffering or what he had to endure."_ Whether he had no answer for her words or he was too tired and uncomfortable, but he didn't say a word. He just kissed her cheek and reminded her once more _"I will not tolerate anything that could hurt her, Alice."_

"_Neither will us,"_ she promised wending her way to the door.

By the time her display came to an end I was too dazzled to realize that I was still sitting on the bench of my piano. Turning stiffly from a side to another I came across an empty room. Everyone was outside. I could hear them near the edge of the river. Alice slid down from where she was lying and handed me the jacket I hadn't even noticed she was carrying.

"Well, I've already checked whether or not you'll conduct yourself tonight and I have no reason to doubt you so they shouldn't have either. And if anyone has something to object I'll take upon myself the responsibility to make them shut up. Now you may go and see her. She's probably sleeping." Yet again I wasn't sure if I was really hearing those words from Alice or if I was making them up, but I couldn't decline her offer and I wasn't about to stay so she could change her mind either.

I took the jacket from her hands and didn't spare a second more. The world was whooshing around me as my feet danced toward my very own redemption.


	18. Rejoining the vortex

**Chapter 18: Rejoining the vortex**

Three days may seem a fairly short period of time, but not when your name is Edward Cullen and you are waiting desperately to see the most wonderful person on earth, Bella Swan. This time, my presence in the house was inconceivable not because I was too miserable to be around anyone, but because I was excessively fervent to set my eyes on my angel. Unnatural forces were tempting me every second, luring me toward the place I wasn't supposed to go. I had fought against my instincts and desires for so long that now I was too weak to resist anymore. I was giving up slowly, bringing to an end my long battle with my destiny. My future was now in fate's hands. I was tired and I needed to rest.

Once Alice had returned from Bella's house our first night back in Forks I drank the memory out of her mind, then I darted to find my angel sleeping peacefully and wordlessly. For her it was uncommon to sleep without mumbling something. That first night she'd said nothing. As the sun had gone up and Charlie awakened I found myself forced to leave. It felt like suicide. Only Alice's unshakable confidence in me made me move from the chair I was sitting in. I didn't want to disappoint her. I had no right.

When I got back home Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle were ready to set off for Denali. Tanya had called to announce that Irina was in too much pain for what she knew had happened and that she couldn't forgive me because I'd killed Laurent. Just to think about him, I could feel the anger whirling in the pit of my stomach. She didn't need to tell me that I wasn't welcome there any longer. I knew it the moment I'd run out of her house and I didn't care.

As it was to be expected, the next day Alice, Rose and Sonya headed out to the biggest and most eccentric and expensive mall of the state. And the only one who didn't have plans was Esme. I wasn't opposed to the idea of spending time with her, but I could read in her eyes as well as in her mind that she'd like to go out with the girls and beside that I was definitely not a good companion. My attempts in persuading her that I was alright and that she should go and have fun had seemed to be endless until Alice, who had been screaming at me internally from the car that it will be my fault if she won't be able to buy everything she wanted, jumped out and came to fetch her.

Watching their car growing smaller in the distance and then vanishing completely from my range of view I knew that I was alone and that I could break any rule I could think of. I could have flitted to Bella immediately, but I haven't. Instead, I lurked around the house, exercising my self-control. Though it should have grown stronger as the time passed, it grew weaker with every second flying by.

I felt thirsty, but no blood could satisfy my need. I went hunting just for something to do. My mind was focused exclusively on Bella, regardless my endeavors to concentrate on my preys. I couldn't even look at them.

On my way back home I needed all the power I could find inside myself not to change course and direct toward the place I really wanted to go, instead of going obediently to my house. Nothing could have kept my mind so busy that my thoughts about Bella could take a second place. Except of Bella herself. The reminiscence of her kissing me, of her being coiled against my chest with her hands on my skin it was driving me insane with pleasure. But recalling that memory hadn't had just a good effect on me. By reminding myself that I'd held her in my arms and tasted her fragrance once more did nothing but weaken me even further. I had tasted from the forbidden fruit and now I had to pay the consequences. She was like a drug which I had to taste from again and again to keep living. Without her I couldn't exist.

As I hit the river bank I didn't prepare myself to jump in order to get home. I unfastened my shirt without thinking and took off my jeans, then crumpled them into a ball and hurled them on the other side of the river. The clothes landed into a fragile body of a tree, which quivered then shattered in two pieces. It was safe to swim without being seen, but my purpose was not to swim. I let myself go under, until I reached the bottom. My eyes were wide open, taking in everything around me. I lay on the smooth floor of silt and gazed up. The sky was blue, but I was fed up. I hadn't moved an inch or taken a breath until the sun set down and I knew it was time for me to go back home.

The house was empty, but my phone was ringing insistently on the piano, vibrating and spinning for, what I could tell, a long time. I picked it up to hear Alice's amused voice chattering in my ear. Not having her in close proximity to me I had a considerable disadvantage. I didn't know what to expect of her so I waited patiently for her to inform me.

"Have you finished your mud bath," she giggled. Behind her I could clearly hear the quite laughter of Esme, Rose and Sonya. In spite of that I couldn't bring myself to feel embarrassed.

"I suppose I have," I answered untouched.

"Guess what I've found," she continued, not paying attention to my not so excited tone.

"Enlighten me," I requested on the same tone I knew sooner or later would get on her nerves.

"Clothes." The sound of their chuckles rang again in my ear and this time I couldn't help myself.

"And what did you expect to find?" I sniggered. "The spirit of Tutankhamon?"

"I haven't left yet so there might be a chance in finding that too. Don't worry," she went on with my joke. "Anyway, that's not why I've called. Tell me what do you prefer? White, blue, purple, scarlet or green?"

"Yellow," I replied, obviously not succeeding in hiding my confusion. Why was she asking me what color I liked?

"Huh, funny. Answer the question, Edward," she ordered like a great commander.

"Haven't you already seen my answer?"

"No. Because I don't know what you've been doing since last night considering I can barely see you. Speaking of…why are you keeping me in the dark?" she screamed the last words to my complete amusement.

"Well, it's not like you haven't kept me in the dark before, so…" I teased her.

"Tell me what color," she growled a little irritated.

"Blue, maybe," I told her between laughs.

"Great," she murmured as she hung up the phone without even saying goodbye. It appeared that I was doing a more than a great job to hinder her from seeing the name of the song I'd written for her.

The only theory I could make up out of her questions was that she had gotten into one of her charitable periods and that she was buying clothes for me too. In place of feeling grateful I felt a bit annoyed. I had never liked anyone to buy me clothes, but me. Though, I had to admit that she really did have good tastes, just the idea of obligatory wearing the clothes bought by her, whether I liked them or not, was sickening.

Later that night, Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper got back from Denali with our cars. The house remained as silent as before, though there were four people in it and not just one. Carlisle was deeply saddened by the latest events and none of us dared to disturb his meditations. Not even Emmett, who was actually thinking about catching up with Rose and the rest of the party.

I went round and round the living room until I decided it was time for me to go to my angel. No one asked me where I was going. For Jasper, at least it was pretty clear. My sudden overjoyed mood could not betray anything, but the fact that I was about to see Bella. He smiled as I let myself out of the door and wished me luck.

When I climbed in her room she was sleeping as I expected. But what I hadn't expected was to find her mumbling my name. It was the umpteenth time I was hearing my name materializing off her lips, but I couldn't avoid the shock, the fascination, the craving. I was so close to break any barrier left between us and pull her in my arms. The more I thought about it the more attractive the idea sounded. Surprisingly I managed to just look at her. Even that was a sweet enchantment.

That second night I spent it fighting with myself every time she murmured my name. Every one of her whispers was enticing me further and I would have given in each time to the temptation, but each time something was holding me back. It was like I had wrapped around me invisible arms that wouldn't let me make another mistake. As much as I wanted to touch her, to hold her close to me, I didn't fight against that mysterious power. I knew it was better that way.

The sun had come up earlier than the day before or maybe it was just my imagination. I was perfectly aware of the fact that I couldn't consume my day by lurking around the house again so I called Carlisle as soon as I was under the shadows of the forest to let him know that I wouldn't come home. He didn't dispute my choice, but warned me that Alice had foreseen a sunny day. I had to remain hidden behind those shadows.

I didn't even think about what I had to do. It was like I'd been expecting for this moment for a long while. When I'd returned to Forks Laurent had made it clear that Bella was not safe any longer and that I had to take additional measures of protection to ensure her well-being. Victoria was still out there, free and determined to avenge James and the danger she represented for us was not to be underestimated. I wasn't that stupid. But she could try her hardest and she was still going to face me before she could even catch a glimpse of Bella. And it wasn't going to be pleasant. Not for her at least. For me it was going to be insanely pleasant. As I imagined myself tearing her apart I knew my thoughts were going too far. That was not what Carlisle had taught me and I could not allow myself to become a monster again, but one way or another she was going to wind up in ashes as her sweet mate.

It was common knowledge that Forks was a small rainy town lost somewhere in the Olympic Peninsula. That day, however, it had been too small and not at all rainy, which was a serious obstacle thrown in my way. Although I couldn't smell anywhere near my surroundings the scent of Victoria or hear a thought coming from her mind I felt like it was my duty to make sure that no danger was lying in wait. And it was definitely a method of finding my peace. As long as I knew that something, no matter how little it might have been, was ready to attack Bella, I couldn't live until I found it and killed it. Victoria was my target, a target that had to be rooted out.

I've been rounding up the entire city of Forks for hours and when I finished without finding anything dangerous and having too much free time on my hands I decided to make a large encircling of the Olympic National Park and went all the way down to Hoquiam, passing through Port Angeles and Bremerton until I got there, then I headed back to Forks. It was merely afternoon when I finished my inquiries and it was going to be an awful long time until midnight. The road back home was not tempting at all, but the only one left and whether I wanted or not I had to come back. In the bottom of my heart I felt like I was missing a crucial point, like I was skipping over an essential piece of information, a piece that I had, but I couldn't bring it to light. I hadn't found anything suspicious within my radius of control, but the danger was still present somewhere and something was screaming inside me that I knew where the danger was and which plan it had. However, I couldn't make my thoughts clear.

"What do you think Victoria is planning?" I asked Jasper as I run into him. Out of all of us he was the most experienced with these kinds of problems. He'd been the witness to the vampire psyche for more than two decades.

"She's seeking revenge and I don't expect her to want only to kill Bella. I think she's wounded, more wounded than any of us thought and that means she will try her best to not only take the life of your mate, but also to torture her until she will beg to die."

His honesty felt like thunderstruck. After he finished, I was too dumbfounded and fighting back too much anguish from glistening bright on my face that I couldn't articulate a word. He understood the impact his words had had on me and he felt everything I did. From anger to the most agonizing type of ache, he was experiencing every one of my emotions and I could tell he was sorry for his harshness, but despite the difficulty of bearing the truth, I would have chosen it at any moment. Better to know what was coming for us than delude myself that everything was painted in pink. The longer I was thinking about it the more factual I was finding Jasper's statement.

"She's probably waiting for a favorable moment to attack," he added.

"But that moment will never exist. She must know that," I hissed under my breath.

"You would have said the same about Laurent and unfortunately he enjoyed his chance." I growled without thinking, but he ignored me. "Well, his chance of dying, but that doesn't take away the fact that he might have killed her."

Words were failing me. He was right and his sincerity was too much for me. As I looked him in the eyes begging for mercy I felt sorry for soliciting his judgment. At the moment, at least, his gloominess was not suitable for my frame of mind. I'd been living in an ocean of misery for too long to continue on living in it. I needed just some days of tranquility, even a touch of happiness, if I wasn't asking for too much, then I was going to submit myself to his never-ending and always too stark truthfulness.

"Enough Jasper," I pleaded and he nodded in agreement. His mind, though, was full of theories and prepared for any sort of ambush. Firstly, like it was predictable, he thought about making Alice's safety a certain fact, then he did his utmost to find a way to keep Bella safe too. As much as I was grateful for his thoughts I didn't like that he was still feeling guilty for our departure and that he'd taken it like it was his responsibility to make a narrow escape for all of us.

The third night I made my way to Bella's room again, and again I sat powerless watching the sun go up and leave unwillingly in hope that I will return again to her. Alice, Esme, Rose and Sonya had come back for a short time when I stepped into the house, but Alice was already running up and down accommodating everything she'd bought. Why had I expected her to buy just clothes? She'd purchased everything from pencils and notebooks to new curtains, cushions and carpets.

"Huh…here you are," she shouted the moment she caught my eye.

"Here I am," I murmured a bit amused by her hustle and bustle.

"Help me move this couch here," she ordered as she shoved in my hands the white couch from our living room. I smiled though I wasn't in the mood for a day of redecorating with Alice.

"Alice, what are you doing?" I asked her with a tone frequently used for talking with crazy people.

"Spaghetti…What do you think I'm doing? I'm revamping things around here," she blustered out pleased with herself, then continued into a more aggravated pitch. "If you're going to say what I've just seen you will say you'd better shut up and move the couch where I've told you." I burst laughing to her exceeding annoyance and moved the couch where she'd indicated.

"But why haven't you asked Emmett to help you?" I asked anyway, keeping the smile on my face.

"I said you'd better shut up," she scowled at me. "And to answer your question, Em and Rose have left to do some work for Carlisle."

"For Carlisle?" I asked taken aback.

"Some old friend called and he needed Carlisle to help him sort some things out and since Carlisle can't leave Forks now, he sent Rose and Em," she finished, sounding almost affronted that Carlisle hadn't sent her and Jasper. In fact, she was a little upset about it, but she was trying with might and main to calm herself down.

"To sort some things out?" I uttered on the same surprised manner.

"Yeah, to sort some things out," she rolled her eyes, speaking with me like she was speaking with a three-years-old. "Look, I've already seen that you'll get all furious by this so I thought it would be better if you didn't know until they were back, but I suppose I won't get rid of you easily."

"Exactly," I agreed.

"This friend is an old acquaintance of Carlisle and even if he's not exactly a family guy or a vegetarian, he doesn't kill people just to kill them. He mostly hunts old people, people that are likely to die anyway.

Carlisle said he's not a bad man so he wanted to help him. Clarence has been at the wrong place at the wrong time, for him, but not for the people he saved, and prevented two vampires from slaughtering a group of teenagers walking in a park. Obviously the thing ended with a fight and one of those two vampires has been killed by Clarence and now it's not hard to guess that the other seeks revenge. He felt like he needed protection and pleaded Carlisle to give him a hand. Now he thought it would be best to send Em there, but Rose didn't even want to hear about it so in the end they decided to go both." She made a pause fighting back her discontentment that Carlisle hadn't sent Jasper, then hurried to add. "They'll be fine. I've seen it." Although I knew her premonition could not be mistaken I was past irritation with the present situation. Why on earth had Carlisle involved our family in a matter like this? The first thing I thought about was the Volturi. If something went wrong and they were involved, they could make a trip here and find about Bella…I shuddered. I would never allow them to get near her or endanger her safety.

"Where exactly did they leave?" I demanded between gritted teeth.

"Canada…Victoria County," she murmured hesitantly.

"What?" I shouted, remembering our last visit there. What if Victoria was around there? What if she thought that taking Bella away from me was not sufficient? What if she attacked Rose and Em too?

"They'll be fine," Alice emphasized each word, clearly seeing my thoughts. "Victoria won't cross their paths. I don't even think that violence will be needed. I'm confident Em will make a great impression upon that vampire."

She'd returned to her business leaving me speechless there and battling with my confusion and irritation. I would have darted after them, I would have talked to Carlisle, I would have done so many reckless things that I would have apologized for afterwards if it hadn't been for Jasper's calming thoughts.

"_You think I would have let them leave without me if I hadn't trusted Alice's vision completely? Calm down. They'll be fine as she said."_

I thought a moment about what he'd told me and decided that he was right. I tried to turn and go to my piano just to find that it wasn't in his usual place.

"Alice?" I hissed.

"Yes, Edward," she answered innocently.

"What have you been doing?"

"Shopping…isn't it amazing how many things I managed to buy in such a short period of time? I'm a genius," he trolled casually, enjoying my obvious exasperation. "The place really needs a new touch."

"And by a new touch you understand turning everything upside down?" A strange smirk covered her face, then she started laughing in a way I hadn't heard her for some time.

"And you haven't even seen your room yet," she stuck her tongue out at me, running toward her new victim. Jasper caught her in a tight embrace and kissed the top of her head then accepted unquestioningly everything she told him to do. I didn't stay to watch them. I raced to my room afraid of what I might find there.

I had expected to hate every piece of whatever Alice had changed inside the room. I had been absolutely sure that I would fume and spit my anger after I took in the adjustments. Yet, I was standing in the entry, goggling my eyes inside and unable to believe what I was seeing. I couldn't hate what Alice had modified. Actually, I adored it.

A big bed for two was positioned almost in the middle of the room, thrusting the glass wall opposite to it, with two nightstands, one on each side and a small bench in front of it. Under twenty black and white cushions, a white velvet blanket with wild large black roses drawn on it was smoothly stretched on the bed, hanging heavily down like the fur of an animal. My music wall had remained untouched and every one of my discs was arranged as I'd left them. The old couch that had been my only spot for sitting had been dragged to the wall opposite to the music one and coated with black and white cushions like the bed. Everything was garnished with good taste, obviously it had Alice's magical touch, but not the immensity of the bed or the black and white contrast impressed me the most. What touched my heart and made me tremble with unexpected joy were the framed pictures spread all around the room. On each of the nightstands was placed a picture of Bella, pictures I'd never seen before, on every shelf of my bookcase there were at least three pictures with my angel. In some, I was holding her or even kissing her, in the pictures from our prom, but in most of them she was alone laughing her heart out and being happy. Alice had never ceased to surprise me, but now she had surpassed herself. My mind was not even rich enough to make up ideas of how she managed to get her hands on those photos. I was staring in disbelief and celestial delight when she materialized like a fairy by my side.

"The theme for today is black and white as you can see," she stated waiting for my reaction.

"It's beautiful, Alice," I told her. Beautiful was not even remotely close to the appreciation the room deserved, but in those cases simple words were more meaningful than a hundred high-flown ones. "I can't thank you enough," I continued, not taking my eyes off of the pictures.

"I'm glad you like it. I thought it would be a nice present to thank you for my present," she winked and my head moved down to find her eyes. She was obviously referring to the song I'd written for her, but she couldn't possibly know its name. Immediately I searched in her mind for any sign that she might suspect anything, but I calmed down as soon as I learnt that she had no clue. I smiled to her and she beamed radiantly.

"How did you get these pictures," I let my curiosity out.

"Well, I lied to you or to be more correct I haven't told you everything from what I've been doing that night at Bella's house," she informed me nonchalantly. "I've returned so late because after I left I waited for her to fall asleep and I sneaked back in and burrowed some photos. After I duplicated them I took them back."

"And when was that?" I asked folding my arms on my chest and fighting back a smile.

"Half an hour ago," she whiffed. "She was cooking for Charlie so she doesn't even know I've been there." I nodded approvingly and pulled her into my arms.

"Thank you, Alice. I have no words to express how I'm feeling."

"Oh, Jazz will tell me," she grinned and turned to leave, but I stopped her just in time.

"I don't want to seem rude, but what's the bed for?" I demanded a little surprised by the existence of such a thing in a house where no one slept. She simpered and pursed her lips to keep from laughing.

"It will be useful in the near future," she asserted and flew back to her business, without giving me the opportunity of pressing the subject. She had definitely seen something that she wasn't telling me about. I just hoped it was something good and it had to be, judging from her huge grin that she wore as she continued her tornado of changes.

I walked inside my new and yet old room and relished every one of those pictures. Every one of them was beautiful and unique in its own way. In the end, it was Bella portrayed in them. But the one that reached my heart the moment I saw it was the one showing Bella smiling and looking intently ahead with a slight arch of her left eyebrow. Watching that image was like I had her stare piercing through me and seeing everything that was inside my heart.

As the night had fallen over the momentary peaceful town of Forks I managed to not be surprised of the fact that I had spent all day watching my Bella. It had been so comforting to have her close despite the distance between us. I was going to be forever grateful to Alice. Though it would have been normal to remove myself from the room unwillingly I'd done it gladly, knowing that some miles away the real Bella was waiting for me. Or I was waiting to find her.

Descending the stairs I focused really hard on keeping my mind away from everything and still focus on something that would surely mislead Alice. Her suspicious eyes had followed my every move and her drumming fingers were a clear evidence of her annoyance. Apparently I'd done my job well and Emmett knew it. Alice had been frowning at me for as long as it took me to get to the piano, which auspiciously was back on its place.

Firstly I'd played some wrong notes under her surprised, but not fooled stare and Sonya's amused smile and then went on with the real one, bringing to life in tuneful sounds what my sister meant for me. I had never been more nervous before while playing the piano. But never before had I given a special performance for someone that represented so much for me. Apart from Bella. But that time I'd been so lighthearted that I couldn't think about anything else than the fact that I loved her and she loved me too.

I kept my eyes on the keyboard just for some seconds, then I let them bore in hers to find the answers I was afraid of looking for in her mind. She had taken the hint from the first real note and looked at me transfixed, torn between thousands of emotions. I could tell that she wanted to thank me, but in truth there was nothing she had to thank me for. I went on with the song while her eyes were widening gradually and her features were dissolving in strange and warm sentiments. As I got close to the last notes, I experienced for the second time the feeling of wanting that song to never end, but at the same time nothing I would have added could describe Alice any further. The last note faded in the air and she hurled herself in my arms so fast that I nearly missed her movements.

"This was for you," I told her softly. "Pearl of light…" For the first time I was uttering the name and it felt like it should. The most appropriate for the most wonderful person.

"I love you, Edward," she sighed with all the feelings hiding in her heart.

"As I love you."

Breaking off our little moment I snapped open my phone and dialed Emmett's number. Just for letting him know that he should prepare for his amazing performances in the parking lot. Alice giggled as it became crystal clear for her too what was happening and whispered under her breath "You two are unbelievable."

"My dear brother I called to congratulate you for your next week's recitals," I told him in a single breath.

"Fantastic," Emmett grumbled loudly. "That's why you called?"

"Yeah, isn't it? You'll delight us with your delicate voice le week prochaine," I teased him. "Which gives me an idea," I continued sadly, "I should have made you sing something in French. That would have had quiet an effect."

"It will have, nevertheless," Alice guaranteed.

"And how do I know that you're not cheating?" he demanded, maddened that he lost the bet.

"Because as much as she'd like to listen to you singing I think she'd rather see me going to a cathouse. In case you haven't noticed she takes a great deal of pleasure in watching me tortured."

Paying no heed to Emmett's menacing roars that he will get his revenge, I laughed to his exasperation and flipped the phone closed as I followed the familiar path that was leading to my sacred place. Although I had climbed in her room every night since Alice gave me the green light and watched her sleep I hadn't had enough and this night felt different. Because once it ended and the sun would come up a new day would begin, the day I was going to return to the vortex of humanity. I was going back to school where I could see Bella all day, where I could attempt to mend my mistakes. Little by little as I promised. This time I was desperate for the sun to rise and what once had been my purgatory, almost my hell, was now going to be my paradise.

When the first rays of light broke through the mist of darkness and the first signs of Charlie waking up came to my ears, Bella had reached her 6720th breath since I took my every night sit on her rocking chair. I didn't expect for Charlie to come and check on her or for Bella to open her eyes to a new day. I rushed out of the window and to my house to change my clothes and prepare for what was going to happen. Somehow I knew I needed to talk to Alice before I would set a foot on the grounds of the school and subject myself to everyone's stares, babbling and drooling.

She was waiting for me outside the house like it was probable and eyed me apprehensively. I walked past her, nodding in gratitude for her concern, but letting her know that it wasn't anything serious. She followed me to my room sifting me from head to toe. Apparently she'd found for herself that there was nothing to be worried about. I had just some questions I wanted to be answered.

"So what do you want to talk to me about?" she asked, already fighting a smile. When she knew what I wanted to ask her, but she still demanded to know, it was because she was not going to answer my question. I rolled my eyes and asked her anyway.

"When you showed me how things went at Bella's house that night I got the impression at one moment that you've foreseen something. What was that?"

"It was just an impression," she muttered dancing across my room.

"It was not an impression because if it was you wouldn't enjoy so much the fact that you're keeping me in the dark."

"Probably. But you honestly expect me to tell you what I've seen? It will spoil all the fun."

"Please, Alice," I tried unsuccessfully to persuade her.

"No. Anything else you want to know?" she blinked innocently, still smiling at me.

"How many people will I kill today?"

"None. Though Mike Newton is seriously in danger," she let me know, then she headed for the door saying that it was her duty to pick the best outfit for her comeback and hurried to her room.

Minutes later both of us along with Jasper and Sonya were gathered downstairs and getting ready to go to school. Due to Carlisle's influence over the community of Forks it hadn't been hard for him to pull some strings and gave Sonya a place at our school. She was nervous and scared. As we got into my Volvo, Jasper threw a glance at me from the passenger seat and asked me timidly _"Should I comfort her?"_

I thought about it for a moment and then decided it was a good idea and necessary for her to be relaxed. I nodded and immediately she loosened up and started talking more freely with Alice. Except for their conversation we drove in silence. I was too tensed myself to chat and Jasper was obviously having doubts about his ability to be around humans. It wasn't a surprise anymore. When had he really had confidence in him?

The parking lot was as I remembered it, crammed with rusty old cars and noisy people killing their time in the best way they could. While I pulled up in my usual spot, which seemed to have been vacant in our absence, I looked anxiously for Bella's truck. It was nowhere to be seen. I took a quick look at Alice, but unlike us she looked as if being confident and in full feather. I thought about asking her when or if Bella will come to school, but even to me the question seemed a ridiculous one. Nevertheless, she's seen me asking and answered it.

"She'll be here in fifteen minutes. Will the fact, that you know when she'll come, help you go through those fifteen minutes of waiting? I don't think so, but you asked for it," she said quietly before she opened the door and jumped outside. Sonya and Jasper followed her and I knew I should do the same, but I wasn't prepared yet to mingle myself once again in that current that was going to invade me so powerfully that I knew I couldn't bear it without Bella. And Bella wasn't here yet.

Despite the fact I'd been the last one getting out of the car, everyone's stares turned to us the moment I stepped outside and closed the door behind me. It looked like the sharp click of the door closing drew every eye from that parking lot when in truth it hadn't even been heard. In a blink of an eye I distinguished Jessica, Angela, Ben, Eric and obviously Mike Newton. They had been gathered in a circle talking animatedly and laughing their lungs out before they caught sight of us and turned stone still with their eyes bulging out of their skull and their mouths hanging open.

Their stares were all directed to me like I was alone and not surrounded by three other people. The way they looked at me with incredible disbelief and a strong tint of accusation paralyzed me to the spot. The last straw would have been to point their fingers at me and yell that I was a monster. If truth be told, I was a monster in every possible meaning. Alice caught my arm and helped me come to my senses.

"Be strong," she whispered and I could finally move.

As we made our way to the front office their thoughts and muffled whispers were echoing in my head, amplified as the news spread in mere minutes in the whole school. The Cullens were back. Out of all the beliefs and brain waves they got about our return nothing stood out more than the thoughts blaming me, criticizing me as sharply as it was humanly possible. I tried hard not to listen to their internal or external meditations, but it was out of my capacity. Even trying to fill my head with my own thoughts was pointless. Their thoughts were ringing louder and spinning faster inside my mind. I would have run and hid myself beneath a rock to avoid what I was living if it hadn't been for my Bella that was due to come in a short time.

Alice stepped inside the front office with her cheerful façade and asked Ms. Cope for our schedules, making small conversation as she looked for all of them including the ones for Rose and Emmett. Up to that point the thoughts of the receptionist were the only ones kind toward me. Maybe she was the only person happy for our comeback. She peeked outside monitoring me like everyone else and then moving her eyes to Sonya and Jasper. Her face crisped as she found the distant posture of Jasper. He was truly frightening when he was that serious. Though I knew what the reason was for his exaggerated seriousness I had to distract him to make him move. He looked too much like a vampire standing so still.

"You should consider shifting your weight, Jasper," I suggested sternly under my breath. He subtly moved his head to look at Alice, then took a step toward Sonya.

Alice hopped outside after she explained to Ms. Cope that Sonya was her cousin who she recently met for the first time and that she was her only relative so Carlisle and Esme have been elated to include her in the family. To me her story didn't seem too believable, but her gift of persuasion had no holes. Ms. Cope almost shed a tear as Alice sighed softly and contently that she had someone of her own blood on this world. If she only knew that she'd been lied to and how much Alice used to laugh at her fantasies about me.

We headed to the cafeteria as we had half an hour left until our first class and maintained our apparent oblivious attitude, even if we were aware not only of their presence, but also of their thoughts, emotions and plans for the future. Alice continued to be the only one happy and carefree. At least we had someone making conversation. Hadn't been for her, we would have appeared like the living dead we actually were.

Like my usual parking spot, that had seemed vacant for as long as we'd been gone, our table bore the same abandoned sense. We took our chairs and tried to engage in a normal conversation, without too many futile giggles or too many unnecessary pauses. However, as hard as we tried our attempts led to no results. In a matter of minutes, Alice was talking alone, Jasper was tensing uselessly to keep from jumping at someone's throat, Sonya was delicately looking around to register the reaction of her new schoolmates, who hadn't even taken notice that she or anyone else beside me was at the table and I was striving to block out their annoying babbling and focus on what was really important to me. Bella. And she hadn't arrived yet.

Exactly when I opened my mouth to ask Alice if she was sure about those fifteen minutes she burst out irritated at us.

"Are you really going to stay like three ghosts all day?" she demanded with a smile. The smile was for the human charade. Beyond that smile I could read her frown. "And yeah, Edward I'm sure about those fifteen minutes," she growled, succeeding in making me laugh.

"_He's laughing. Oh, God, Edward's laughing."_ Like I was pulled by a magnet I turned toward the one that had thought my name. It was no one, but Jessica. I couldn't stop myself from rolling my eyes. After a considerable time of standing her silent insinuations and colorful imagination, I grew incapable of tolerating her daydreams to any further extent. She'd noticed me rolling my eyes, but she calmed herself down by thinking that it might have been my response to something my siblings had said. _"I don't know why he's back, but he's as gorgeous as ever."_

"_I wonder if Bella knows. She'll probably have a shock when she'll see him." _As always Angela was compassionate and thinking about Bella's welfare instead of making up scenarios about why we decided to come back in the end.

"Who is that girl?" Eric asked Jessica in a soft whisper. It was Mike who answered, though.

"Maybe she's the new girl ingenuous enough to fall for the Cullen freak," he muttered scornfully.

"Don't call him freak, Mike," Angela chided him. "He's a nice guy." Although she tried to believe that, she had significant doubts concerning me being worthy of the word _nice_. I deserved her mistrust.

"You name _nice guy_ someone who indulges you in illusions, making you believe that he loves you, then he leaves you all alone to live your life like a vegetable? I don't think so."

Before he could even finish his sentence, I turned my head and gasped in pain. His harshness was so real that I could barely stand my ground. Inside my chest my wound opened up again, bleeding the guilt and pain I'd preserved there. Sonya looked at me with concern in her eyes as Jasper shot a threatening look at Mike and Alice whispered again "Be strong."

"They've finally noticed you," I managed to tell Sonya. She gave no sign that she'd heard me.

"No. I don't think she's his girlfriend. She looks older than him," Jessica retorted vexed. If I hadn't been so maddeningly in love with Bella I would have flirted with Sonya just for annoying Jessica. I giggled at the thought and Sonya immediately straightened herself asking me frantically what was going on.

"It's nothing, just that there are people here with a very vivid imagination."

"And people who should move their butts to their appointed classes," Alice cut in, jumping to her feet and sliding her hand in Jasper's. I sat up too and followed them out with Sonya by my side, ignoring the stares burning on my back.

"Good luck," I told her before swinging over and following my own solitary path toward the Biology lab. Our paths were forked for this morning and all of us had to endure the first class on our own. Jasper had to turn up for a Chemistry class, Sonya for Spanish, Alice for History and me for Biology with Mr. Banner.

"Good luck for you too," Alice wished me with a smirk before Sonya had a chance, then she started singing the anthem of Russia. She was hiding something from me and she didn't even bother to screen her effort. Actually she was enjoying that I knew what she was doing.

"It's no point in asking what you're not telling me, right?"

"Oh, how can you think that I wouldn't tell you if I saw something concerning you," she moaned offended, but prolonging her teasing. "I was just testing my talents. Sonya has just taught me the anthem of her grandmother's country.

"I bet she did," I grumbled and headed for my class.

Unlike Sonya's, my path was familiar and ineffective in surprising me. Or so I thought. How many times hadn't I followed it hoping that I would find Bella at the end of the line? How many times hadn't my heart neared the point of beating again just at the thought that I might see her face? Hundreds and hundreds of times. Now my heart was too terrified to hope for anything.

The crowd around me was dispersing the moment I was passing through their midst, turning to catch a glimpse of me. Perhaps I should have felt self-conscious, but I could feel absolutely nothing. Bella was supposed to arrive at any moment now and every sense I got was focused on finding her. To read her mind was out of the question, I still couldn't do that, but to feel her presence was unquestionable in my power.

The only way I could find to avoid the curios gazes of everyone I passed by was to keep my own glued to the ground. Yet, their thoughts couldn't be avoided so easily. Jessica and Mike were heading toward the same Biology lab as I was and despite the fact that they were walking silently, their heads were full of questions, theories and exasperating assumptions.

"_Maybe he's here to show Bella that he has cheated on her,"_ Mike mulled over. The growl building in my chest escaped my lips before I could get a grip on myself and stop it. Fortunately, the sound had been too weak for them to hear as they were several feet backwards. How brainless could a person be to think something like that? Even if I tried I could never betray Bella's love. My heart was chained to her for every day of my never-ending eternity.

I continued walking at a human pace, keeping off my face the anger I felt toward Newton and the anxiety to set my eyes on Bella. I had no clue if I was successful or not in my attempt. Around me the jumble of scents was more powerful than I had remembered it could be. The long time I had been away from humans diminished my ability to ignore human scents. I focused on regaining that skill and as I did that I distinguished the scents of everyone, overlooking them the second I took noticed of them. I was pleased with the quickness I was recovering my old habits and tried to turn my back on another scent. The last one that had reached my nostrils.

As I stumbled upon it I struggled for breath. Contrasting to the other scents that were moving away from me, directing to courses opposite to mine, this one scent was swiftly advancing toward me. I should have stopped in place, but something was dragging me forward and I was unconsciously scuffing my feet to reach that scent.

The smell was getting closer and closer. I could almost taste it on my tongue. I went forward glancing down to the ground and breathed in what I knew was inches away from me. I took one more step and then she bumped into me and my arms circled around her waist reflexively. Both looked up stunned and dazzled. Though my actions had been self-willed, they had been uncontrolled. I'd moved toward her like I was dragged by a magnet. Still, having her in my arms surprised me.

"Bella," I whispered like I was hypnotized. She looked at me the way she'd done in the meadow and said nothing. I could hear her heart hammering, feel her hands trembling on my chest, and see her eyes swimming in all sorts of emotions. All those things didn't help my drained self-control. My arms tightened around her waist and my heart could have exploded the moment I heard her moan softly inside my grip. I was so lost in her presence that I could barely comprehend what I was doing. I leaned down toward her confused face and parted my lips without thinking. She blinked twice, like a little bird, and Mike snarled internally five feet behind us. In that second something snapped inside my head. I unbent, but couldn't let go of her. She didn't free herself either.

I was making mistakes from the first day. Leaving the house I'd promised myself that I won't impose my presence to her as long as she didn't want it. And now? Now I was doing the exact opposite. But I couldn't help it. Deep inside I wanted to know for sure. I wanted to check if she still loved me or not even if by finding that she didn't would have destroyed me for good.

"Problems, Bella?" Newton asked sharply. On his right side Jessica was working to hide her dribbling face that was more obvious than a jealous young human's frustration. Bella grasped slightly my shirt before shaking his head absentmindedly and finally releasing herself from my arms.

"No," she said in a startling strong and irritated voice. I couldn't suppress the internal smile and I could feel the corners of my lips faintly twitching. It was like she was annoyed that Mike had interrupted our moment.

"So, Cullen…you're back," he ascertained.

"As you can see," I replied hardheartedly and almost reached my hand to take Bella's to lead her to the classroom. My face fell as I remembered that I wasn't supposed anymore to do that. Her eyes registered my desolation immediately and glanced at me even more confused than she'd already been. Evidently I was not the only one who needed answers.

"Did you know about it, Bella?" he asked her, almost certain about her negative answer.

"Yeah, I knew," she responded stiffly, erasing the smile off his face for a moment.

"And are you planning on leaving again because it wouldn't surprise us," he sneered diabolically. I made a huge effort to remember why I shouldn't kill him. Bella's suddenly rigid body reminded me why. I couldn't afford to be a monster anymore or at least not what I used to be at the beginning of my vampire life.

"Well, to your disappointment I don't have such plans," I spat through my teeth. He was ready to say something more when Mr. Banner stepped out of the class to demand our immediate attendance. His eyes popped wide open in shock and his breath caught. I was truly a shock for everyone I was coming across with.

"Please come inside and take your seats," he said after he found his breath. Mike moved reluctantly from the spot he was standing and walked off haughtily, followed by Jessica and a lurching Bella that wouldn't move her eyes away from me. My eyes pierced deep inside hers trying to reassure her and making her understand that what Alice had told her, what I'd just said was true. I wasn't going anywhere. I shifted my weight to enter the class too, but Mr. Banner put a hand on my shoulder to hinder me. Bella stopped for a second worriedly.

"Mr. Cullen," he said, "I am pleased with your comeback. You are one of the best students I've ever had if not the best. It's a pleasure to teach you," he declared.

I nodded and answered him respectfully "Thank you. It's an honor to know that you consider me a good student."

"The best," he corrected me and invited me to take my place, pointing toward my seat. I turned to see the spot signed by his finger and wasn't surprised to discover that it was the one besides Bella. It was the only one empty.

I marched there so fast you could say I was running. This picture was so well-known. It had happened before just that I'd been the one sitting and waiting for Bella to take the seat next to me instead of the one who was strolling to sit by her side. She neither lifted her head when I reached my chair nor acknowledged my presence. Apparently the roles had changed. I was the one ignored now and to be honest it felt insanely painful.

I breathed, trying to compose myself and let her have her time. Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to sit by her side, but where else could I have sat? And even if I had had another place to go to I couldn't have made my body direct elsewhere. This was my place. Near her. No matter what I tried to do the end of my path was her. No matter how many times I would diverge from the main road, another one was going to lead me to her.

When I glanced at her again she was drumming her fingers on the table and clearly forcing herself not to speak or maybe not to break down. This time I was the one who should take over the situation. I had to find my words even if I had to look for them in the darkest smallest gap of my chest. And I had to put them in such a way that she could understand everything – that I loved her and that I needed her.

Mr. Banner started speaking about something, but my attention couldn't be divided. It was all concentrated on Bella and she could feel that. She stood without a sound, rigid and tensed next to me, keeping her eyes all the time on her textbook. I wondered if she was waiting for me to speak or praying that I would never say a word to her. I began scribbling what the teacher dictated after I positioned my chair so I could be half turned toward her. I was watching her without hiding it. I was drinking her in and I could not believe how happy I was. Second by second I was growing more afraid that one single word could destroy the happiness I'd found at last.

I noticed randomly that there were left just five minutes of that hour and I hadn't said a word to Bella, but neither had she. I racked my brains to hit upon something I could tell her without hurting her or saying too much from the beginning, but I came up short. I leaned against the back of my chair and noted her giving a small start before she steadied herself. Was this a reaction to the thought that I might leave? I frowned. Maybe it wasn't, but if it was I couldn't forgive myself.

Although the whole universe was reduced to one person and I was entirely immersed by her, I sighted out of the corner of my eye a sharp distortion of the table on Bella's right, the one where Mike Newton was sitting. The pointed end of the table was threateningly close to Newton's hand, but he didn't pay the faintest attention. I realized I was looking at him just when his hand angrily hit the spike of the table and a stain of blood colored it.

"Damn," he swore.

He pulled his hand back checking out the damage and shot me a murderous look. In that tiny second several things happened at once. Mr. Banner turned disturbed toward Newton ready to give him a warning for his bad behavior, Mike traced his wound with the index finger of his other hand as unexpectedly too much blood gushed out from his cut, Bella's head snapped up and I leaned toward her instantly.

"Don't look," I counseled her. She understood that I meant not to look in Mike's direction and turned her eyes to me. My expression melted and my eyes seemed to be burning inside my skull when I met hers. I was drowning in those two pieces of chocolate. I was falling in love again.

Though she hadn't looked, the scent of Mike's fresh blood reached her nostrils faster than it was normal for a human. Her face contracted and her hands clenched into fists under the table. When the bell rang she was holding tenaciously her breath. I looked quickly around me. Everyone had jumped to help the boy in pain and not even a person was staring at us. In fact, we were the only ones who hadn't sat up yet. On the spur of the moment I sat up too and held my hand for Bella, forgetting everything about how I should keep my distance or the fact that she might not want me any longer. My instinct to protect her from suffering, even in the most painless way, didn't permit me to let her stay in that room a second more.

"Let's get you out of here," I said with the conviction that my words will be enough for her to follow me. I wasn't as surprised as I was delirious the moment she rose to her feet. As she moved, her leg caught the foot of the table and she would have surely fallen down if I hadn't been there to catch her. It was startlingly divine to have her in my arms, even for the shortest second.

I pulled my right hand securely on her waist while I held her left hand with my other. Once out of the classroom she began to breathe again, taking wary breaths until she couldn't breathe anymore. My grasp on her tightened automatically and that seemed to put her together. Bit by bit she regained her proper breathing and that made me breathe normally too. I sit her on a bench and positioned myself next to her, as close as I could. I wanted so much to hold her in my lap, to apologize for my enormous mistake and tell her how much I loved her. I had so much to tell and yet it was so soothing just to look at her and savor the moment.

"Are you alright?" I finally asked her. "Is there anything I can get you?" She looked at me surprised to hear me talking and shook her head in response. I used to read her eyes as well as I could read the others' minds. Now her eyes were overflowing with so many emotions, some of them I couldn't distinguish and others I couldn't dream that were real.

My hand reached toward her of its own accord and looked as if it was unattached to my body. When I touched the silky texture of her skin every part of me connected and I could act deliberately. I cupped her cheek and looked as deeply as I could in her eyes, looking for everything I've lost, while she was looking for something in my eyes too. I let them open for her. I didn't blink and I didn't move. The world ceased to exist around us. There was just the two of us and nothing more.

"Is there anything I can do to put everything I blighted together?" Realizing that it had been me who spoke I took a sharp breath and drew myself closer to her. I tried to keep our eyes locked – it was like an antidote for all the pain I'd once felt - but Bella succeeded to free her face and hide her eyes.

"You could stay," she murmured after a long moment of silence.

"No, Bella, not that," I disagreed. Her body quivered and my hands weren't fast enough to reassure her. "Make me do something that will punish me for what I've done. Don't give me the sweetest and most brilliant bliss of all," I said as I caressed her cheeks with my thumbs. "Make me do anything that could take your pain away." I haven't even finished the last word that her eyes flickered to mine. For a second she looked incensed, then her features twisted into a throbbing wince.

"You wouldn't take my pain away by hurting yourself. You'd only swell it up," she said barely above a whisper. That invisible power that was dragging me toward her was now in full motion and I didn't have the smallest intention to offer resistance. I bent forward drinking in the flavor of her skin and feeling the warmth of her lips. I wanted so bad to kiss her. I was about to. She definitely knew it and she stood still waiting patiently my advance. She looked almost like she'd waited for this moment all along and now was contented that it was happening. Either it was so or I was seriously fooling myself.

I took a deep breath, keeping as much as I could of her scent inside me, under her surprised stare. She knew how it had pained me to feel her scent daily and ignore it all the same, how much of a torment it had been, but she had no idea that now it was my absolute pleasure to sense it. I continued slowly and carefully my approach and in spite of my efforts to find a reason why I shouldn't kiss her I found none. Her lips parted and mine imitated hers immediately. There was an infinitesimal part of a second left until we could come together in a graceful kiss. But life proved me yet again that the unforeseen can always destroy what you've strived to achieve.

"_The prat has left her and now she is stupid enough to allow him to kiss her,"_ Newton cried angrily in his mind and reminded me that the world, despite my exertions to brush it aside, did really exist. Impulsively and too abruptly I turned my head toward him pinning him to the wall with my own anger. Even if he was across the lot he backed off several steps. I could literally kill him if it weren't for Bella's frightened start. I refocused my eyes on her, making great efforts not to dart to that wretch and teach him some manners. It was perfectly fine with me if he had the limitless desire of insulting me, but I wasn't about to permit him to do the same with Bella.

"What's wrong?" she questioned softly. Her voice washed my irritation away. I gave her a small smile and lowered my hand from her cheek to take hers.

"Would you come for a walk with me?" I pleaded, too hopeful for my own good. I shuddered the moment I remembered that I'd told her the same words the day I left her. She seemed to recall that memory too. "It would be easier to talk without everyone's stares glued to our backs." She nodded, accepting my offer, and get to her feet clumsily. My arm steadied her at the right time. The smile looming on her lips took my breath away. Was she actually smiling at me?

As soon as she was able to walk without my support I removed my arm from her waist. I was trying to cling to the promise I'd made myself if the circumstances permitted. She was pacing unhurriedly and I had no reason to speed up either. My eyes were always directed to her face even if I was running the risk of making her uncomfortable. I was so absorbed by her that I hadn't even felt my own phone ringing inside my pocket. She cocked his head up, waiting for me to answer it, but I was stupidly gazing into her eyes.

"Aren't you going to answer," she asked baffled. The fact that the phone was ringing clicked inside my head and automatically I pulled it out of my pocket as I brought us to a halt.

"What is it, Alice," I demanded a bit put out.

"Edward, are you trying to keep me in the dark again?" she required without any introduction.

"No," I replied simply and momentarily puzzled.

"Then why can't I see your future? It's just disappeared."

What she was saying it was impossible, but as I turned and caught a glimpse of a familiar face I froze with rage. It made sense why Alice couldn't see me anymore.

"I think I know why," I told her and closed the phone putting it in my pocket.

With slow dallying steps and wearing a mask of absolute fury Jacob Black was approaching us. My hand reached reflexively for Bella and shoved her behind my back.


	19. Soft shadows of the past

**I'm sorry for the long delay, but my computer has been giving me some problems that I haven't solved yet, but at least I've been able to finish the chapter. I'm really sorry again and I hope that my sweet CPU will let me write in peace the next chapters. I wish you like what I've come up with.**

**Chapter 19: Soft shadows of the past **

"Get away from her," Jacob snarled as he came reasonably close to us. His body was shaking angrily, his hands were clenched into fists by his sides and his face was distorted in the most outraged way. I had enough knowledge to know how dangerous a young werewolf in that condition was. He was about to phase into his animal form. And I was terrified that he was so close to Bella. He didn't even seem to be bothered by the fact that he might reveal his nature to the world, that he might betray his pack's trust by doing that.

Bella had jumped to her feet the instant she caught a glimpse of him. The nervousness, extended to the point of uncontrolled fear, she started to radiate as I shielded her from that mutt's view, I couldn't begin to comprehend. Wasn't she confident in my ability of protecting her or was there more than that?

"Jake, calm down. Everything it's alright. We were just talking. Listen to me. Sam will be mad at us. Just calm down. Please, Jake," she chanted, but he could have been deaf for all the good it had had. His anger was all channeled on me and any other sense, except the capacity of hating me, was shut down.

"Don't you dare come a foot closer," I warned him in a low menacing whisper, holding Bella tighter behind me. I didn't know what I would do if I lost touch contact with her even for the most fleeting second. In fact, God knows what would have happened if she hadn't been there. Jacob's face caught an acute tint of defiance as his chin jerked up arrogantly.

"And if I do, what will you do then?" he demanded, clearly doubting that I could stop him. He had no idea who he was talking with or how far I was willing to go when it came to Bella.

"Then you'll force me to show you that your head stands better between your legs," I shot at him cold-bloodedly. Bella trembled behind me, muffling a "No" against my shoulder.

I fought the urge to turn to examine her face to understand her reactions and persisted in firing Jacob Black with the entire wrath I had inside me. Insolently, he looked right back into my eyes and gnashed a furious snicker. Defying me again, jeering at me. By the time he spoke every pair of eyes was focused on our yet too peaceful collision. It could get a lot worse, it was on the point of getting a lot worse and I was riotously waiting for that moment.

"OK, Bella, let's go," he said at the same time he reached to grab her hand. I snatched his arm reflexively and flung it simultaneously. A bark sizzled on his lips before he smashed his hands into my chest. I took a deep breath, which I regretted immediately, since his reek was more powerful than Bella's aroma, to avoid curling back my lips and showing what I was capable of. My teeth could so easily rip his throat off. "Don't you touch me, bloodsucker," he spat between clenched teeth. Instead of responding to his words and actions, I let out a low amused laughter. He was not supposed to know that I was a vampire as far as Bella knew and he'd let it slip out, even if it had been in a metaphoric form. His first mistake had been made. I was there to enjoy it.

"What have you said, Jake?" Bella murmured, both scared and surprised. She unglued herself from my back and took a step to the side so she could see him better. Tough every instinct was telling me to screen her completely, I stood where I was.

"I told him not to touch me," he repeated, aware of his blunder.

"No. How have you called him?" she insisted, not being able to recover from the blow of hearing him labeling me as a bloodsucker. She was too shrewd to believe that entitling a vampire as a bloodsucker could be a mere coincidence.

"He was being polite," I stepped in the conversation, without really wanting to do that. I got a lot of pleasure from watching Jacob Black racking his brains to come up with a deplorable excuse for his words. Despite my unwillingness, however, I had to lead Bella away from this subject. As much as it surprised him that I was helping him, I couldn't tolerate anything that could make my angel unhappy. I knew that if she found out it would depress her very deeply. If it was in my power to postpone that pain I was ready to do anything without complaining. "Taking in consideration his thoughts too," I whispered only for her to hear, but I knew he'd heard me too. I didn't care.

"I don't understand you, Cullen," he pronounced my name like it was a disease, a calamity. "Why have you come back when everything started to work out for Bella? Are you so egotistical that you love to destroy the little peace she'd found at last?" I was listening to the same thing though phrased differently. Nevertheless, it didn't distress me any less than before.

"Jacob, that's not your business," Bella scolded him firmly.

"Well, it seemed that the town was not as safe as I expected it to be, though there are _people _here who claim that they are the ones protecting the territory. It appears they have failed since inadmissible things were happening and outside individuals were faster to arrive at the crime scene than the locals. It's pretty dubious, don't you think?" I asked him conventionally, though my sarcasm was see-through as I wanted it to be. Bella's eyes narrowed in deep confusion and waited keenly for the mystification of my words to be cleared up. It wasn't going to be clarified yet.

"Still, everything was better without you," he hissed, trying to conceal the longing of shedding light on the real facts, without running around a circle that he knew was going to lead him to his demise. "And now that your affairs are settled why don't you scuttle away and leave us alone for good?" His remark wouldn't have had any impact on my emotional state if it hadn't been for the part where he lumped himself together with Bella. I couldn't look at them as a whole. They couldn't be…_us._ I cringed at the thought and struggled to stand my ground.

"I don't think you are in position to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, Jacob," I affirmed gravely. For the tinniest moment I forgot that I was half screening Bella to protect her from a young unrestrained werewolf. My pain got in the way and I was blinded by it. In my ears was ringing a single word. _Us…_ what if it was me who was not in position to be by Bella's side? What if now I was only an intruder?

Jacob needed only that second to walk past my defensive stance and grab Bella's shoulders. I turned my eyes to them bemused, like I wasn't really there. He was holding her too brutally to glow with any sort of romantic emotion and her eyes were stubbornly stuck to my face. Perhaps that was what had stopped me from hurling him as far as my strength would allow.

"Bella, be rational," he muttered hurriedly. "He left you here, alone and wounded. Why are you even paying attention to him? He hurt you so bad that he didn't deserve a glance from your side. Go home with me, please. It's not good for you to be around him. The only thing he has ever done was to inflict pain into your life. We can go back to our life and continue as if nothing happened. Come, Bella," he attempted to persuade her and held his hand for her, but she ignored it, though she moved her eyes grudgingly from my face to his. I kept staring from my cage of fear and pain.

"I could never go on like nothing happened, Jake. I'm so sorry," she whispered. Why was she sorry? Because she had the strength to oppose to his stupid demands?

"Bella, we should go. It's not safe for you," he hissed awkwardly. It was starting to get on my nerves and I wasn't sure if I could act according to Carlisle's liking.

"Jake, it's not safe for you to get so enraged. And for me, I think everything is fine. Let's solve this tonight."

"He's dangerous."

"He is not," she contradicted him, looking again at me.

The picture was not too much to bear only for the intimacy that betrayed, but also because of the fear and submission Bella showed toward him. I was witnessing their conversation without being able to cut in and lead Bella back to class.

"Bella, honey," he softened his voice, cupping her cheek as he noticed that he was losing ground. "You don't want this. You don't want to be hurt again. Let me protect you" It was actually laughable to hear a werewolf uttering such things as _"Let me protect you"_.

"Don't promise her what you won't be able to fulfill," I chuckled humorlessly. As the sound of my voice touched the back of his neck he stiffened and removed his hands from Bella's body, just to turn belligerently to face me. I saw in his mind his intentions before he had time to put them into practice, but I didn't do anything to avoid them. He pushed me to the wall and blocked me with his forearm jetting flames out of his eyes.

"You listen to me," he threatened. "If you cross her path from now on I'll make sure you lose your appetite to lurk around her. Do you understand me?" It was funny to be threatened by someone I could so easily kill with a twist of my fingers. I was actually embarking myself on a quite satisfying journey which was composed only of Jacob Black's annoyance.

"It would be wise of you to step back," Jasper ordered in a whisper, coming smoothly toward us with Alice by her side. He seemed really irritated whereas Alice was struggling to hide her enjoyment. I ignored their interruption and switched sides with Jacob instantaneously jamming him to the wall with unexpected fury and satisfaction.

"Don't you think I should be the one telling you that?" I groaned silently in his ear. "You say I'm dangerous, but how do you describe yourself when she doesn't even know what you are?"

"Edward, relax," Alice advised me, but I didn't back off immediately. My fist was still clenched on his shirt.

"Listen to her, Edward," Bella pleaded, putting her small warm hand on my arm. I felt like I was in heaven. She'd said my name, consciously and so musically like only she could. I couldn't combat against her desire.

"And Jacob," Alice continued when I took several steps away from the dog. "You'll better return obediently to Sam like you're supposed to. No matter what you're going to do I've already seen that they will talk so why going up against it," she winked innocently. He glared at her, then turned to take a look at Bella.

"Maybe I can't do anything," he told her. "But Charlie can. And he's on his way. I'm sorry Bella, but if it's something I can do to keep him from hurting you I'm going to do it."

"Why did you do that, Jake? Why did you call Charlie?" Bella inquired. I couldn't deal with the sadness in her eyes. She looked at him like she was begging him to tell her that he was joking, but his shameless face quickly triggered an intense sense of anger in Bella.

I fought against the urge of ripping his head off, of tearing him apart only for trying to keep me away from Bella, but as Alice had said I was going to talk to her, no matter what. This gave me a little bit of comfort, though I was still anxious because of his presence. Alice, however, was confident that we would return to class and Jacob would leave without any more tantrums. I couldn't be so sure when his eyes were shooting arrow after arrow of despise. Jasper was preparing to invite him to take off, but Bella surprised both of us by taking charge of the situation.

"Look, Jake," she said. "I'm going back to class and you should do the same. I don't think Billy or Sam approve of your daily ditching to check on me. I'll be fine." She waved him goodbye and turned to leave for her next class. "And, hey," she muttered after she took three steps. "Thanks for calling Charlie."

I looked after her withdrawing silhouette, struck with pain as I thought her last words through. So their relationship, regardless of her nature, was more intimate and stronger than I had imagined or expected. They were seeing each other every day and he was allowed to check on her. I couldn't imagine that to be against Bella's wish. She seemed to know a lot about him, although she was missing the vital point. I wondered what he'd told her to excuse himself for his always-trembling hands, for his sudden mood swings, for his body's inhumanly hot temperature. I turned toward Jacob to look fiercely inside his eyes. He was not thinking at all about what I wanted to know. His mind was only preoccupied by his next discussion with Bella. He knew she was going to reproach him his behavior and it seemed that he was not as sturdy when he was alone with her as he has been with an audience. I looked deeper inside his mind to uncover my answers, but he had the same thought through and through. I wasn't about to just let go this matter. It was too much at stake. I needed to know how shamelessly he was lying to her.

"Tell me, Jacob, what lie did you manufacture to keep her in ignorance and with that by your side?" I asked him bluntly. His mind stopped working for a moment then it filled with all the thoughts I needed. Just like it was normal to happen. He was still too human to have the ability of hiding something from me.

"If you're reading my mind I'll…" he threatened without threatening me at all.

"You what?" I demanded insubordinately. He was at a loss of words and managed only to shoot me one last arrow of anger in my face before he twirled away, hardly sticking to a human pace.

"_Don't think about it…Just…Mike Newton had the flu…That night I changed for the first time…Don't think about it…Bella called again and again and Billy told her I had the flu too… I haven't seen her for two weeks…Damn it, I have to think about something else…I miss our bonfire nights. I bet Bella does too…She was too stubborn to give up. She came to my house and waited for me. Billy told her I was sick, but she wouldn't go…For God's sake…am I not able to think about anything else?... She saw me with Sam and the others. She panicked, but I convinced her in the end that they were good guys. I couldn't help, but yearn for her presence…she is so kind and beautiful…she eventually picked out the changes, but one night Billy told her that everything was because of my sickness. She believed…she accepted me as I was…she protected me…she didn't run away from me as the leech did from her."_

From that moment forward, his thoughts turned again into angry ones directed to me and I blocked him out. Although his line of thoughts had been rather incoherent, I understood most of what he'd jabbered. I would have strolled after him to shake the sickness out of him. He had been coward enough to let his father lie for him. I was disgusted by his mind and even more by the fact that he thought that Bella had believed the lie. It was too lame for her to believe it. I knew it. Yet, this conviction didn't bring me peace of mind. On the contrary. It made me ask myself why she didn't avoid his company, why she didn't confront him, why she remained by his side if she knew something was so wrong with him. But when has she really seen any danger too dangerous for her. I chuckled to myself grimly. After all she'd been in love with a vampire.

"Edward, do I need to get a tank to move you from this spot?" Alice hissed in my ear. Apparently she'd been talking to me for a few seconds until I took noticed of her tugging on my arm. "Come, we have class together."

I entrusted myself to her, though I would have given anything to run to Bella. I was desperately in need of talking to her and given the latest events I had no clue about how I should approach her. I endured without complain the Chemistry and Calculus class, refraining myself from talking. If I had opened my mouth to speak I would have been incapable of stooping the flood of outraged thoughts, uncertainties and wishes I wanted to let out. Alice kept throwing glances at me from time to time even if she knew perfectly well my condition. She was looking in the future for the most trivial thing that could happen.

I was forced to part from her when Spanish class began and headed as she instructed to the right building. As I entered the class, Jessica caught her breath looking at me like I was something to eat, whereas Ben Cheney hardly kept Newton in his place. His thoughts had annoyed me enough to want to annoy him too, so I sat in the form I usually sat with Emmett. Oh, how I missed him already. It was hard to imagine that I could go through this class without him. My already planned game to annoy Mike Newton was a two-edged sword. I was certainly going to exasperate him by standing in such a close proximity to him, but I was also running the risk to be forced to bear his accusations and his memories of a Bella I'd deliberately wrecked.

Like I expected, he babbled all time long about how much he hated that I was back, how he wished Bella had chosen him instead of me, how he would have taken better care of her than I have and how he was going to fight me off if I dared to come close to Bella again. At that small insignificant thought I found myself chuckling. He frowned at my back, both internally and externally, and whispered under his breath "Besides being a freak he's demented too." I would have bothered to hide my chuckle with a cough if his thoughts hadn't been so impertinent. As a replacement for my earlier intention I leaned backward to rest against the back of the chair.

"_Did he hear me?"_ he thought edgily. Obviously…

When the bell rang I was already out of the door, heading as fast as it was possible for me to move under human stares to the cafeteria. I knew I would find Bella there. At our table, Alice, Jasper and Sonya were already talking, animatedly enough to pull the wool over naïve eyes. I took my sit rummaging around for Bella, not that I didn't know already that she wasn't in the cafeteria. I could tell her heart was beating from the English building.

I looked to the ground before I took courage to face the critical stares of my siblings. The moment I met Alice's eyes, her face darkened and the charade of the happy talking vanished. I'd expected Jasper to be more disappointed with me than I'd expected her. I hadn't even considered the possibility of having Sonya displeased too. Although vampire mind was like a house split in countless rooms, allowing us to think about many things simultaneously and even if I was certainly capable of that, this time I needed to take one's mind at the time. Alice's mind was definitely the last one I was going to check and despite the fact that I was curious to know why Jasper was so calm and lenient I was more intrigued by Sonya's discontentment. I started with her mind.

"_I know you're reading my mind and probably it's easier to communicate with you this way. What you've done today it was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever seen from anyone. The bond between Bella and that kid is strengthened by the time they spent together, but hugely weakened by their lack of honesty. If you are smart you should understand how important an advantage you have over Jacob Black and how meticulously and carefully you have to explore it. I admit, it is a good choice to wait for him to reveal his nature on his own, but your slyness is not as cunning as you believe. On one hand, he knows what you're trying to do and he's making some efforts to trick you. And on the other hand, you're very vulnerable when it comes to Bella. In order to protect her, you can make a mistake that you'll regret. And by mistake I mean that you're so close of prohibiting Bella to see him. That would be unimaginably wrong and he would give you a dose of your own medicine. Be careful Edward. It's a dangerous game you're playing and a very painful one. I think she loves you, but she is also very grateful for his support. That's something you can't forget. I lived through it. I would never forget how much Don helped me and she would not forget, either. You have to be conscious of what you have as long as you have it not after is dead and gone…buried in the past." _I just nodded in her direction. I was still mesmerized by how this woman succeeded in surprising me each time she put her heart in her thoughts. It was overwhelming how she wished the best for everyone in place of wishing them the same unfortunate life she had had.

I went on with Jasper's mind and almost gaped at his thoughts. Was he the Jasper I knew? Was he the Jasper that sometimes I had to remind to act human? He was positively changed into a thoughtful person, uninterested in a fight. Usually, Emmett was the one willing to fight at any time, but Jasper would be right behind him. Now it seemed that I was the most quarrelsome of my family. Oh, how I missed Emmett. I would have forgone his artistic moment in the parking lot, subsequently his fulfillment of the bet, if he had come back that instant.

"_You should not actively push the truth on the table for Bella to see, but wait patiently and work quietly on his insecurities so that he offers it himself. If you know what nerves to touch he'll drop the mask in less than two weeks. Besides that you have to stick with the treaty and you can't harm him. At all. Do you understand, Edward? No matter how much he might piss you off you don't hurt a hair of his head,"_ Jasper ordered. I nodded to let him now that I heard him. I wished otherwise, but I had to agree to his requirement. He was right. _"And don't torture yourself like that. I experienced her feelings first hand and I can tell you for sure how much she still does love you. I may possibly say that the despair of losing you again put an edge on her emotions. It brings more into prominence her love for you. Don't consume your thoughts fearing that you've lost her, consume them by finding a way how to save her. Victoria is looming on the horizon. We don't have much time."_

I cringed as he reminded me that. Of course, there were much more important things to think about. I should have felt relieved by what he'd told me. I believed in Jasper's capacity of reading emotions entirely. Yet, I had to see it with my own eyes, to hear it with my own ears, to feel it with my own dead heart. I wanted to learn from Bella's mouth that she loved me still.

I meditated for an infinitesimal part of a second what Sonya and Jasper had told me. Their thoughts harmonized at the same point. That I had to play this game carefully, using Jacob's weaknesses and discreetly push him to the point where his pretenses were to fall over. Though, I had thought about that myself, I was obviously making a mistake, if not more, in my actions. The hole in my wily armor had to disappear. Quickly.

After I nodded to Jasper, Alice broke off her insistent drumming on the table and shot me a piercing look.

"What would you have done, Edward," she burst out, being incapable of keeping her thoughts silent. I knew I had to confront her storm of reproachful words now. "If we hadn't got to you at the right time? Would you have dismembered him in public?"

"No."

"Then trashed him in a corner and do it?"

"No," I repeated, still thinking about Jasper's words.

"But you'd have punched him, anyway."

"Though every part of me was craving for that, I wouldn't have done it either."

"You'd have surely strangled him, right there in front of all those people, Edward."

"Have you seen that?"

"No I haven't. You know I can't see _them," _she whined. The conversation was passing by so fast and my concentration was so weak at the moment that I barely had time to catch every single word of hers. Let alone think besides that.

"Then you're supposing."

"Am I supposing wrong?" she inquired.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"For the simplest annoying fact that Bella seems to care about him enough to be hurt if something happens to him," I spat, regaining my ability to think coherently. I looked at Jasper for approval, though my eyes were begging the contrary.

"I can't contradict you on that," he said, avoiding my eyes. "But you should know that she doesn't feel about him as you imagine. Though, he does." He paused for a second, then set his eyes on Alice. "And darling I'm surprised you're so hasty to presume such things when you usually reprove us for it. He wouldn't have done anything. I can assure you that he was too preoccupied to keep Bella safe to feel anything else. I think he needs some time to realize what he's just felt."

I didn't listen to them, though they started to talk silently about me, about Bella, about our family. My mind could only sketch out the thought of Jacob loving Bella. It was confirmed now. Obviously he didn't love her as much as I did since he was lying brashly to her, but it was love, nonetheless. What if eventually she would respond to that love? What would I do then? My mind crammed the most somber thoughts and I was close to lose my control. I had no idea what I was about to do, but certainly it wasn't something admirable.

"Now I can see that you'll demolish half of the forest and you can't contradict me on that too," Alice smirked, though she was still upset. Honestly, it was an idea to reflect on.

My bad mood faded into the past as the one I was waiting for stepped inside the cafeteria. Her face was still troubled by what had happened, but that was not what stood out. The uncertainty of what she should do next was overpowering anything else. She was at a complete loss exactly like I was. It took her more than it should to order an apple and a soda and then sit beside Angela at that table where I'd seen her for the first time.

"I wouldn't do something like that to the poor trees," I defended myself in an angelic tone.

"Sure…" Jasper murmured letting out a small laugh. With Bella inside my radius I could be considerate.

"You should wait until school's over to talk to her, anyway," Alice advised me.

Under my outrageously happy eyes Bella was struggling to make conversation with Angela. The girl was preoccupying for Bella's welfare more than her own in that moment. There were no words to express how much I appreciated that. Jasper giggled next to me, suddenly invigorated with my emotions and warned me to blink, to breathe, to do something. I couldn't. My eyes wouldn't move from their supreme target. Bella knew I was watching and she was growing more and more uncomfortable. That was not my goal, but I couldn't help it. I would have lobbed myself to her immediately if I hadn't trusted Alice's judgment completely.

I was praying for her eyes to lift up from the apple in her hands and look at me. Maybe it was too much to ask. Or maybe it was just faith. When her eyes crossed mine, Angela let out a gasp, imperceptible for Bella, even though she was centimeters away from her, but deafening for me, though I was across the room. I was aware of every sound and stare directed to me and Bella and yet I had eyes only for her. This coming back and resuming our past duties thing was generating a strong feeling of deja-vu with each second's passing. The only exception was that now I wasn't starting from the beginning. I was picking it up where I'd left off. Now I had to deal with my big mistake and now I was insanely in love with Bella. I had no intention to stay away. And even if I had I couldn't act in accordance with it. Beside me I could feel Alice fidgeting and trying to decide whether she should go over to Bella's or invite her to our table.

Our eyes locked with a force I should have expected, just that I hadn't. The sparkles given off from her eyes were mesmerizing, attracting me toward her, torturing me for not being able to comply with that desire. I was itching so bad to touch her. But I was forbidden until nightfall. Fortunately, her fragrance was all around me, dancing inside my head and driving me crazy.

I shook my head like I had been awakened from a sweet dream when Alice bounced in all directions beside me, and still managed to sit on her chair. I've blinked, perhaps for the first time, since I met Bella's eyes, and realized her eyes were not focused on mine anymore. With an expression that seemed to be dazzled, Bella shifted to watch Alice waving at her like a madcap. For one short second her eyes traveled slowly, but determined to get on my sister's face. Just one tiny obstacle stood in her way and that obstacle made her freeze and whiten like a bone. Her stare was too pained for me to bear and her breath caught as her heart was throbbing painfully inside her chest. Hopelessly. She was gaping like she couldn't actually see a thing.

As I registered those changes I froze along with her. I didn't need to turn my head to see what she'd seen to make her stare so terrified and powerless. My brows furrowed just a little bit and my hand reached faintly in her direction. Surprising me, like she'd always done, she jumped to her feet and darted as fast and resolutely as she could handle away from us and out of the cafeteria. She hadn't thrown a glance toward me. I imitated her previous gesture and tried to sit up, without thinking about the consequences. I only wanted to go after her. Alice's hand gripping my arm, though, had been faster than my attempt to rise to my feet.

"Alice, tell me you've told her who Sonya is," I hissed under my breath gazing through the door Bella had just slammed.

"Mmm…no I haven't, not exactly" she mumbled. I growled quietly, or so I thought and tore myself away from Alice, but once again her hand was too fast for me to avoid. I was half straightened up and ready to try again to free myself. With her little, but irritatingly strong fingers tightly clenched around my forearm Alice pushed me back on my sit, foiling my thoughts. Jasper was dwelling whether or not he should calm me down, but in the end he decided not to. It would have been a lot worse to have his invisible fake waves of relieve washing over me. It would have angered me a lot more. "Until school is over, remember?" she murmured soothingly, though she sounded frustrated and guilty.

"You've seen this?" I hissed again at her, ignoring her regretful tone.

"Not until Bella saw Sonya. Sorry."

"Sorry doesn't make this right, Alice," I told her, loosening my rigid frame. There was no point in running after Bella now. Her truck was buzzing noisily down the highway. She was probably heading home.

"I know, but you'll make it right," she said like it was for sure. She'd most likely had seen something, but now she was only focusing on Bella arriving to Charlie's house. "Yeah, she's heading home," she answered the question I'd wanted to ask before I saw her vision.

The moment Jessica with a group of guys walked inside and caught a glimpse of me I knew it was time to get away from that place. I wanted to get entirely away from it, but I could only get out of the cafeteria and head to my next class. Like an obedient student that had followed the same courses over and over again, for almost a decade. Jasper, Alice and Sonya were right behind me, with Sonya barely keeping herself together. The guilt was grinding her. I sighed and made the effort to put my worries about Bella in the back of my mind if only for a second. I turned to her so abruptly that I had no time to control my movement. It seemed that my body had acted of his own or this crack at not thinking about Bella was entailing my whole capability of self-control, not leaving room for anything else. She jumped a foot back and thought against her wish if I wanted to attack her.

"I don't want to attack you, Sonya," I reassured her. "I'm sorry for startling you. Would you walk with me?" I pleaded, smoothing my features, as well as my emotions. Jasper and Alice disappeared from our sides without saying a word.

"Edward, I can't read your mind. You have to tell me what you're thinking because you're certainly confusing me," she harped on, arching an eyebrow. _"He's not trying to make a pass at me, but what does he want? What does he plan? Bella imagined the worst she could possibly imagine and their situation has just complicated because of me. He should deny my presence and never talk to me again,"_ she beat herself up internally.

"It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. If anyone's…is mine. Bella has always been too insecure on her too powerful charms. It doesn't surprise me that now her tendency is even more acute."

"Like always you're blaming yourself for everything," she stated sadly.

"Am I not right? It was me who left her, not you, not Alice." At this, she had no answer, just a shake of her head waving off my words.

After those flying words, my day seemed to be a limitless cup of anger and anxiety. Its passing felt like the run of a drugged snail. I thought about ways of making it easier for me to wait, but keeping my eyes clasped to the clock did surely not help me. So, when I let myself out of the school building and headed to the parking lot I felt an overwhelming sensation of relief. Like my tenseness had been washed away by the wind. I walked with my head up, for the first time that day, sensing the anticipation whirling inside me.

Jasper, Alice and Sonya were already waiting for me some meters away from my car, each thinking about their own issues. Jasper was satisfied with his restraint for the day, Alice like always was on multithinking mode, meditating over Jasper's day, my interaction with the wolf, my unexpected control of giving Bella her time and space, my looming future, my every breath and step. I felt at fault to have her worrying so much because of me. There was not even a thought in her head about herself. The total opposite of Alice's mind was Sonya's. She was not thinking about more than one thing at the same time, though she had that ability for sure, she was not worrying about anyone in particular. She was only blaming herself.

"_It's my fault that the poor girl left so quickly and heartbroken. She must think that I'm here for a purpose that it's forbidden for me, that I've stolen the love of her life, that Edward forgot her because of me. If I hadn't agreed to join them at school…if only she knew me…"_ Sonya trailed off the second I reached them and my forearm brushed hers.

"She'll know within minutes," I told her before I made myself meet her eyes. Her expression was between gratefulness and shame. "Or hours…" I added as my eyes stumbled across an uncommonly purple sky with a pained sun going down.

I was growing impatient, but still the sensation of relief I'd had the moment I stepped out of the school grounds was pungent and somehow reassuring. Jasper felt me and his thoughts took another course as his eyes lifted from the ground in search of mine.

"_Are you going home?"_ he asked, not expecting a positive answer.

"No," I replied to his thought, tossing my keys to him. He nodded, grabbed the keys and turned toward the car. Sonya immediately followed him. I could see that she was consciously avoiding me and I couldn't understand why.

"I'll go now," I announced Alice after they climbed in my Volvo. "You said I'll have to wait until nightfall. I can't stay here anymore. I'll wait in the woods." She nodded in agreement and headed to my car too, but stopped when she reached my side.

"Be careful what you're doing and keep your eyes _wide_ open. I'll be waiting for you at home." The way she emphasized almost each word, the warning behind her apparent simple words and most of all, the look on her face ignited a low burning fire inside my chest that was painstakingly expanding and digging deeper to the core of my existence. It was impossible for me to feel warmed up since I was a deadly cold stone and yet I felt that way. My body was caught in a strange lace of fire and my head felt as if it was frighteningly getting smaller and smaller under an insufferable pressure that couldn't be a part of my system. I found myself incapacitated to push away that pressure or to fight against the overwhelming feeling of being suffocated. I felt for a short second how I was strangled and ground under gigantic iron wheels, before I could feel nothing more.

That odd annoying feeling was so familiar, but still so different. I couldn't see and I couldn't move, but I surely could think and feel a desperate need to rush to Bella to protect her. This time the need was so powerful that nothing could have ever stopped me from fulfilling my goal. There was no doubt that Bella was about to fall in harm's odious graces again. My body and my frozen heart could not betray me that way.

When I regained full control of my senses I could perceive everything around me at a new stronger level. Every second I was lingering around Alice felt like murder. I inhaled deeply and exhaled my last breath around her. Even if the world was against me the next it had to be around Bella. I felt capable of slaying anyone who dared to cross my path or put himself between me and my angel.

"I would say that I'll come back as you see me, but your empty mind and what I've just felt makes me think otherwise. This time I would really appreciate if you told me _what will happen to Bella_." Even though I had shrieked the last words, Alice didn't seem to be impressed, although I had to admit she was worried.

"I've seen what would probably happen, but I've also seen what would happen if I told you what I've seen. Between those two choices I've chosen you not knowing and I believe I've made the right choice."

"Indeed you believe," I muttered slightly irritated by her lately mysterious ways of handling my behavior.

"If you know it will be worse for everyone. Especially for Bella." If nothing could have shut me up this certainly had had the power. My eyes roamed her face, then I dashed to my car. I couldn't run at my normal speed from the school's parking lot and running like a human toward the woods would have been not only conspicuous, but also agonizingly slow. Jasper was already behind the wheel and ready to hit the gas as soon as both, Alice and me, stepped inside. No one murmured a word until the car came to a halt and the door snapped open. I realized I'd been the one opening the door when I was already making my way through the bushes and trees to Bella's house.

Around the house everything was silent and motionless and I would have thought that she was safe and sound, maybe deeply absorbed in her sleep, though it was too early, if it hadn't been for the reeking smell soaring in the air. It was fresher and stronger with every step I took nearer the house. I didn't want to imagine the stench inside it. It was one thing to bear that violently fusty odor in an open space and a completely different thing to be trapped with it and inhale it inside a small living room. I would have surely puked on his shoes. The thought amused me a little. Too bad it was not possible for me.

I needed less than a flash second to remember I had to be fully focused and all the amusement I must have felt flew away. I shuddered considering the possibility of Jacob Black being the danger threatening Bella that had pushed me into blackness. He was now inside her house, probably at her table, within inches of her, consequently closer to harm her than I was to save her.

My mind could not conjure up another solution than hasten in the bounds of her house and shelter her from anything that could threaten her when Jacob's voice boomed from inside. In response to his authoritative voice my body tensed into a hostile crouch and my eyes looked desperately for any glimpse of the two of them that could find. I nearly erupted into fierce growls when my view lit on Bella's crying face.

"_The mutt has made her cry…" _I thought furiously, clenching my fingers in the dirt underneath me. The fury was boiling inside me pushing me to the point when ripping his head off was not an option, but a necessity. If I wasn't going to get a grip on myself soon, Alice's fears would become true. I trembled at the thought even though I didn't know how considerable an importance they had. But if Alice feared something I surely must fear it too.

"_Wait until nightfall,"_ I reminded myself. But how was I supposed to wait when my angel's tears and sobs were burning me from inside out. I sighed dejectedly, knowing that I had to comply with Alice's instructions, and made the effort to find myself a better position to peer inside without letting them know I was there. I stopped dead when Bella threw her eyes out the window. I could swear she'd looked me in the eyes. I could feel she'd seen me, but she returned to her chair too soon for me to be entirely sure that what I'd thought was real and I was not imagining.

I felt an overpowering urge to whisper her name, just to check if she could hear me, if she would glance outside once more. My lips parted to utter her beautiful name, but my mind forced them closed immediately. The wolf had sensitive ears and I was too close not to be heard if I made any wrong moves. For the moment, I could tell he hadn't taken notice of my presence. That was a relief. I was not in the mood to argue with him again. I wanted Bella and I wanted her now. I had to explain to her everything, then it was up to her whether or not I was allowed to be delighted by her gracefulness and stay around her.

"That was what it took you to fall again for him? Just a glance at him?" Jacob shouted inside the house. My body convulsed with distinct sensations. I was battling under two opposite instincts. One of grinding him to dust for daring to speak in such a manner to Bella and the other of following Alice's advice and wait for the right time. "Have you forgotten what he did to you," he continued. "How you felt after he left, who was there by your side all those times you broke apart, who was there to cheer you up when you so stubbornly kept wasting away for him? Answer me, Bella."

I could see her now, every part of her beautiful body was under my pained eyes. The ache was so visible on her face as she shook her head to dismiss Jacob's words that I found it difficult not to go to her and take her in my arms. I wanted to comfort her, but I still didn't know if she wanted any comfort from me.

"Stop, Jake," she pleaded, but he ignored her. Mercilessly.

"I should have taken a picture of you just so you can watch it and remember what he did to you. You seem to forget the irreparably condition he'd thrown you in. You've never seen the dead look you've had in your eyes. I have. You were not human anymore, Bella. And as much as it hurt you to think about him I doubt that you've ever stopped thinking about him. I did my best to squeeze you out of your gulf, the trap you've locked yourself in. And I guess I've been successful. Little by little I managed to make you happy. You've just started to have a normal life, to leave your self-imposed exile and interact with people, to smile without holding back tears. You've worked so hard. _I've worked so hard_ to get you to this point. And now you're just throwing all this away. For what? For getting your heart broken instead of my love?"

"It's not like that, Jake," she muttered weakly. She looked as if she was tired. Like she wanted to sleep and never be forced to suffer again. I could offer her that. I could hold her and sing to her as long as she slept her tranquil little sleep.

"Than how is it?"

"I can't stay away from him. Even if I wanted to. And I don't. I can't." Once again she sat up and staggered her way to the window. She looked exactly where I was, then she eyed somewhere far behind me. Was she asking me to leave? She went back to her chair without looking at me anymore. Maybe I was hallucinating or maybe our connection was stronger than I was worthy of.

"Because?" His husky controlling voice was starting to get on my nerves.

"Because each time I tried to be happy it was because I'd promised him to go on with my life, because each time I've made those stupid and reckless things it was because I was breaking my promise and I could hear his voice and each time I breathed here alone I prayed for him to come back. And now he's here."

"To hurt you, Bella," he cut in. I didn't know how much longer I was able to resist the desire of playing baseball with his head. He turned to face her with his whole body and placed his hands on her cheeks. It felt like acid was burning my bones. "Tell me, Bells," he softened his voice, though his thoughts were angrier and especially hateful towards me. "Am I not enough? It's not enough the love I gave you, the love I'm still giving you?" I couldn't see his face as he spoke, but I really doubted that any trace of real pain could be found mingled with his features. He seemed so phony to me. Why hadn't Bella noticed that already?

"Jake, you are my friend," she murmured. Instantaneously, I understood why she hadn't seen the play-actor beyond the mask. She truly loved him and as she felt for everyone she loved she couldn't stand hurting him. This was his biggest advantage and my main burden. "You'll always be. He is my…" she paused, sighing deeply and freeing herself from his paws. I couldn't see her face distorted in ache for too long. She leaned against the counter and got out of my view. I still had the sensation that she knew I was there and she was struggling to end this conversation by avoiding as much as possible to answer what she really thought. "But why does it matter? He's probably something that I'll never have," she breathed quietly the last words, her heart throbbing with hurt and her eyes filling up with bitter tears. Though the image I'd picked it up from Jacob's mind, its impact on me was past imagination. I was literally feeling sick, contrary to vampire's nature. How have I been able to hurt her like that? So profoundly and so long-lasting. My mind raced for ways to make her the most exultant woman on earth, but everything I came up with seemed so insignificant in comparison with the amount of sorrow I'd inflicted in her life. Maybe it hadn't been such a great idea to linger in Forks. Maybe I was a complete plague for her and maybe she needed me out of her life.

"Then why chasing him? Just answer me this one question? Hasn't it been better with me? Haven't you been more unperturbed with me?" He expected his answers, but Bella evaded his pointed stare and peeked outside, once again in my direction, just to glance immediately away. "You don't need to be stressed around me," he added.

"I wasn't stressed around him," Bella defended herself, but it looked more like she was defending me. A small chortle hummed its way out of my mouth, making the wolf shiver in disgust. Coming in my view again, I could remark that she wanted to demand further explanation for Jacob's last sentence, but she only shook her head to wave off any thoughts she might have had and whispered in a drained manner.

"Jake, I just want to talk to him," she sighed tiredly. "I don't even know what I want to hear from him."

"Well, Bella, I hoped you've understood by now that I can't let you do that," he quit his façade of the good caring guy. "I don't care if the psychic told you that you'll speak with him. You won't. I won't tolerate anything that might hurt you." Out of thin air his hands began to tremble angrily and his lips pressed into a hard line. He was surely the danger I'd foreseen, so why hadn't I made myself move and run to rescue my love when she took a step closer to the young werewolf and put a hand on his arm.

"Calm down, Jake," she pleaded. I took a deep calming breath. It was unnecessary and unhelpful.

"Promise me you won't meet him if he asks you to and I'll promise you I'll be here protecting you of anything. Of him if it's necessary." I was taken aback to hear the stinging level of sarcasm in Bella's chuckle. When Jacob met her defiant eyes, his little attempt of stifling his anger that was due to result into a catastrophic outcome, was nothing in comparison with the wave of unparalleled rage that took over him.

"I can't promise you that," she uttered deadly serious now. "And I don't want you to promise me anything."

"Bella, just think about what you're saying and what you're about to do," he cried between clenched teeth.

"I've thought about everything."

"Then I see no other option than to force you to stay away from him," he informed her, suddenly relaxing and making internal plans of convincing Charlie that the best for Bella was to have me as far away from her as possible.

"Don't make me laugh," I spat as a response to the words he'd just said as well as the ones he hadn't before I could refrain myself and think of my mistake. He'd noticed my presence by the time I realized I'd made a mistake.

He froze and snapped his head toward my direction, glaring as he probably got a glimpse of my eyes. Bella followed his gaze and held her breath for a moment. I could read on her face the confusion. If she knew I was there, then Jacob Black had just made a mistake by acknowledging my presence. She could sense my presence. After all we've been through a lot together. But Jacob, why would he sense it if he was just a human being with normal hearing and normal sight?

Out of the two of them, I was sure that now one knew about my being there. I felt contended that he knew Bella was not alone, that I hadn't left her alone. I wasn't about to gave her up if she didn't want me to. From that point forward his thoughts were incoherent again. The fury was not leaving space for anything else and I was more and more disturbed by what could happen any minute now. Surprisingly, I still haven't felt like rushing to save her though I was watching the danger with my own eyes.

"How, Jake?" Bella asked calmly. His eyes were still focused on me.

"The only way I know," he mumbled and rushed outside.

Charlie was in every thought he had as he stepped barefooted into the fuzzy evening, throwing a last warning glance toward me, and Bella closed the window and screened herself behind the curtains. Her sobs were agonizing sounds for my ears. There was no point in hiding my presence any longer. He knew I'd been there all along and deep inside I felt pleased with it. I straightened and jerked my head up looking boldly into his eyes. He dwelled on the possibility of finishing me off as he sensed that I was alone, but he didn't consider it too much. It was too tempting and Sam's fury would have been too terrifying afterwards.

"Coward," I caught myself whispering. His whole frame iced up and started to tremble like a hysterical person. I imagined what was going to happen just seconds before it really did. Pieces of clothing sparkled around him and a swift wind circled his changing body. If I had blinked I would have missed his transformation. I thanked God that he'd had the necessary restraint of putting off this reaction for the moment he was not near Bella.

"_You have no idea how willing I am to prove you what this coward is capable of. But I guess this is neither the time nor the place. Anyway, bloodsucker, you've won only a fight. Enjoy it. You won't get a glimpse of her if I can prevent it."_

"I haven't called you a coward because I doubt your ability of being a caveman. I called you a coward because your only way of imposing your presence to her is by asking for Charlie's help," I continued whispering, watching his retreating form.

"_I'll ask for any help that can put you at distance from her," _he thought, then he ran toward the heart of the forest. His scent though lingered behind him like a disease.

By the time I made myself look away from the spot where he had disappeared with his tail between his legs Bella was already up in her room having her heartbeats and breath intakes even. I would have thought she drifted off to sleep if it hadn't been for the clattering of a pencil and the thud of, perhaps, a notebook falling down to the ground. I listen harder to every sound coming from the house and I could distinguish her messy handwriting being scribbled on a smooth piece of paper. What was she writing? I had the chance to know, but my legs didn't want to carry me inside. It was the right time now, as Alice had said and yet I felt the need to wait more. Maybe having what I'd been waiting for within my reach scared me. Seeing that now it was possible to talk to my angel, to have her close to me, made me reflect on my near future. I knew now better than I could have possible known before that I could not survive to walk out of her house with her rejection. I wanted to receive answers and also give some of them, but I was afraid of doing both things. What if I was a worse monster than Jacob Black and in the end she'd choose the less dangerous one – the one that hasn't left her? But who was there qualified enough to tell who was more dangerous between a werewolf and a vampire?

If she only knew how much I loved her. I sighed and took a deep calming breath, then put my leg forward to follow the path to her door. It was now or never. Before I had time to take three steps out of the woods, the door screeched open and Bella appeared in the entryway poring over her surroundings and evidently finding nothing as she closed the door with her key then hurriedly run to her truck. As she climbed in and started the engine I felt an all consuming need to grab her from her car and wrap my arms protectively around her. As long as Jacob Black had been near her I hadn't felt the slightest fear that she might get hurt even if it had been predictable, considering she'd been in the same room with a werewolf, but now when she was alone heading to God knows where, I was going crazy with anxiety. My body knew before my mind could think of it that I had to follow her.

She drove slowly and carefully with her eyes focused on the road. From time to time she would glance sideways to check for something. Even if I was running by her side I was confident that she couldn't see me. I was well covered by the thick forest. And even though she'd seen me I was there to protect her. I just hoped my presence could still give her a sense of safety and not the other way around.

With every step I took and every meter her truck moved forward my dead heart seemed to die again. My sharper senses were sharper still in those moments. I thought I could read anyone's mind in a ten mile radius and not only three or four as I usually did. I could hear every sound around me. If someone dared to get close to her it was going to bump into me first. And it wasn't going to be funny.

Somehow it didn't surprise me when I realized she was driving toward Port Angeles. It surprised me, though, the fact that she'd chosen to go there at that late hour. It couldn't possibly be because she wanted to buy something. But maybe it was because she had to meet someone. I sighed in exasperation. Every idea that occurred to me was not enough to calm me down. That overriding feeling that was crossing my entire body didn't allow anything to convince me that I was probably exaggerating and she was safe. I wanted her to be safe and I was going to keep her that way even though I had to break some necks on my way to achieving that.

The darkness covering the surroundings was uncommonly thick as she pulled over and got out of the car. My mind was running marathons in hope of finding the reason why she'd chosen to park her truck on that murky street that was evidently not safe for a girl. Especially for Bella. I found none. Hadn't she understood yet that she was a pure magnet for hazards? Like she'd done when she stepped out of her house she glided her eyes around herself then turned firmly to follow a path that I could feel in every pore of my body that was leading her to something terrible. Something I had to prevent.

I paced silently behind her keeping my eyes glued to her back and moving as if I was laced with an invisible cord to her body. The forest was not helping me anymore as Bella walked out of that sinister street and strolled into a better lit one. I had to follow her. That had been long ago decided. But I couldn't hide now. I took a deep breath, then found the courage to reveal myself in the light of a gloomy night, shifting my weight as a ghost – as a blurry shadow obediently pursuing its angel. I still had the feeling that she knew I was behind her, that I was present, but she never turned to check. She kept walking as hurriedly as she'd done when she left her house. There was no doubt that something strange was happening. And to an extent she knew what.

I've stopped chasing her only when I saw the big bright lit sign of the coffee shop Bella was obviously heading to. I thought about finding myself a place to watch her and keep myself out of her view at the same time, but a stabbing scent pierced my nostrils making me go over the entire place with a single glance. I knew it was not Jacob Black waiting for her. It was definitely not his scent. But who else could it be? I gaped in disbelief as I noticed Bella approach a stressed brunette who was anxiously looking all around her. I needed a second to pick her thoughts up from the concoction of contemplations and ideas and discover something that was not as unbelievable as it was inexplicable.

"Bella…you came," the girl greeted distantly my angel.

"Leah," she simply answered and took the sit in front of the girl. She was the only female werewolf existent on werewolves' history. Leah Clearwater. I knew about her, but I've never met or seen her. As I had expected she was not allowed to be here.

From their first exchange of words it was clear that the two of them were not sharing an unplumbed and intimate relationship, but a merely typical, if not a forced-to-have relationship. Perhaps, I was wrong, but there was no sign in their body languages to prove me that. I felt a tremble of concern in my heart knowing that Bella was meeting at that late hour someone she didn't even feel comfortable with.

"Bella, you know very well I'm not supposed to be here. If Sam finds out…I don't even want to think of that. What I'm about to tell you it's not a law breaking as it is a betrayal for my family, for anyone on the reservation." Leah paused, glancing away from Bella and checking one more time her surroundings. When she felt safe to continue she raised her head and spoke in a swift whisper. Bella leaned forward to catch her every word. "I assume you've already noticed the changes in Jacob's behavior. He makes them so obvious I'm afraid everyone will notice one day. And I know that you are not stupid either. After all you've experienced since you came to Forks more than a person does in an entire life. So, you have to come up with some theories to be able to continue living with Jacob. I'm sure you love him, but I am also sure you don't know him. You don't know what he's capable of."

"He's a good guy," Bella cut in with the air she wore when she was stubbornly defending someone.

"I haven't said he isn't. I've just said you don't know what he's capable of. You don't know him…entirely." They both stood silent for a minute, Bella digesting what she'd just heard and Leah thinking of ways to put her thoughts into sentences that wouldn't give away too much of the truth she wanted to reveal, but at the same time that would tell enough for Bella to have a solid lead in her quest to finding the truth by herself. I wanted to tell Leah that she was getting into trouble unnecessarily. Jacob was going to get unmasked one of these days.

"What do you mean?" Bella finally broke the silence, fighting the confusion off her face.

"You know what is the most frustrating for me right now? That I can't explain myself. I've already broken the pact with my family. I can't reveal_ everything_. I can only tell you he's not what you think. Think of what I've told you this way: there are people you see every day, but they are not what they seem. They are different, so different that no one thinks it's possible for them to exist." Bella blinked twice then let her head fall as she stared to the table. Watching her I managed to swallow down the lump in my throat. Leah had thought about me, about my family. She had just showed Bella a resemblance with what she knew so well. Could she possible have missed that comparison? I really doubted it. She lifted her head to expose a strange sparkle in her eyes, the sparkle of understanding. "There's something about him that not everyone can understand, but, Bella, you are an experienced smart girl," Leah added, subtly urging Bella to understand what she was telling her. "You'll figure it out. The only clue I can give you is that Jacob is not suffering from any strange disease."

"Why have you told me this?" Bella asked softly. "You've never liked me much."

"This is not true. What I've never liked about you were your decisions. I still don't like them. But that doesn't mean I don't want to protect you. If I were in your place and you in mine I'd want you to tell me the truth or at least to give me a hint of it."

"I don't even know what to think anymore," Bella sighed painfully, gazing down again.

"Think that his trembling hands and sudden angry explosions are not the result of stress or illness. They are just the characteristic of his nature." With that Leah sat up and turned to leave, but Bella was by her side before she could move ten feet away from the table.

"You can't leave me with this uncertainty," she moaned.

"I'm sorry, but I have no other choice. They will know that I've been here talking to you, no matter how hard I'd try to hide it from them. Besides you know more now than you did when you got here." Leah marched out of the shop, thinking only of the moment she would turn into a wolf again. She was terrified of Sam. Of Jacob. Somehow I wanted to offer her some protection, but I knew she would neither accept it, nor need it. Her idea of reminding Sam that what happened to Emily could also happen to Bella was probably going to work just fine for her.

Standing there petrified and aching in the night, Bella seemed like a tortured angel. It hurt me so bad to see her like that. This was one of those moments I truly wanted to be able to read her mind. I was on the point of pacing toward her and finally make my presence known – officially – but I didn't know anymore whether or not she wanted me to or if it would be more disturbing for her to appear before her.

I was just staring at her from across the street, being absorbed by her beautiful eyes when my phone buzzed in my pocket and Bella darted after Leah. I took a step toward Bella at the same time I flipped open the phone and lifted it to my ear.

"Leah, wait," Bella cried. My eyes seemed to run along with her.

"So know you're stalking her, Cullen?" a husky voice came from behind. As I recognized it I closed the phone and put it back in my pocket, then turned to face Mike Newton. Bella wasn't going to get too far away from me so I considered the distance between us was pretty safe. If anything happened I would get to her instantaneously.

"Are you stalking _me_, Newton?" I demanded with the same angry edge in my voice he'd just used. For a second he truly seemed scared and couldn't help, but take a step back.

"What did you want to say by they will know no matter how hard you try to hide it from them? How will they know?" I heard Bella inquiring. Though I was speaking with Newton, my mind was always focused on Bella.

"I can't answer you that. Go home, Bella," Leah instructed.

"Why would I do that? I know that you feel like the center of the universe, but people have their own lives. People change, people move on. So did Bella. That's why I don't see the point in harassing her." His last words really got to me. It was unbelievable how much power of annoying me this little insignificant human had over me. I let out a humorless chuckled in my attempt to hide my irritation.

"_Arrogant,"_ he thought, as it was to be expected. I chuckled again.

"You can't leave me like this, Leah. Give me something more, please," I took firstly notice of Bella's voice murmuring.

"Goodbye, Bella," came Leah's rapid answer.

"Look, Mike," I forced out. "You're neither her father nor her boyfriend to question me what I do regarding her, but I want to assure you that I appreciate your gesture of worrying for her." Though I was being sarcastic, to some extent I meant what I'd said. "Now…your concern is incredibly useless. And if you expected me to ask for your permission to get close to her you're deadly wrong. I think you've already gotten on my nerves enough since I came back, so what do you say about attaining another hobby to spend your time on, other than Bella and me?" His eyes bulged out with fury and surprise, but also fear. I was concentrating on making my voice as frightening as it could get, but still innocent enough. The incessant buzzing inside my pocket was a real disturbance.

"You are not my hobby," he struggled to hiss. The corner of my lips quivered a notch up, without my consent. "I just want to protect her from the one who wrecked her." It was funny how everyone wanted to protect her from me. Surely, I deserved it. I had earned it when I took the decision to break us apart.

"Yeah, you do that," I muttered, already annoyed by the tremor of my phone. "But keep your distance while you do it," I added, then I twisted to leave. I had offered him more attention than he was worthy of. If I thought well I had talked more to him than to Bella.

"What is it, Alice?" I demanded as I finally answered the phone, leaving Newton way behind me. I hadn't checked the display to make sure it was her. I already knew.

"What are you doing, Edward? Don't lose her from your view," she shouted, bringing back all of my worries. My dead heart was screaming again that warning at me. There was no need to hear it from Alice to know what I had to do.

"I won't," I told her.

"You already have," she corrected me. "Just go and find her, but don't get too near to the wolf, either. I have to see," she ordered. Whatever she wanted to see I knew it was better to listen to her and don't get too close to make a mess of her visions. "Edward," Alice muttered again in my ear. "Carlisle wants to talk to you." Normally, nothing could have ever stopped me from launching myself after my angel, but hearing that Carlisle wanted to talk to me did the job. My eyes rolled over my surroundings and the dim lit street until I glued them to the ground underneath me. Carlisle picked up the phone and breathed cursively.

"Edward, in spite of what may happen tonight I want you to remember what you are, what you want to be and who you want to be a better man for. I want to search deep inside your soul before you do any rash things. Understood?"

"Yes," I replied, but I wasn't sure if I knew which question I'd answered yes for. We hung up the phone at the same time and as I put my phone back in my pocket I lifted my eyes to find my Bella where I'd left her. Right in front of me. Just that right in front of me was a blur of nothingness. She'd disappeared. How was that possible?

The desperation took over me instantaneously just to be erased by a dangerous clearness of mind. I quickly darted after her, without bothering to keep a human pace. This hunt for my beloved seemed so familiar. Not long ago I'd done the same. Also, in Port Angeles in a shady cold night. The exceptions were that now I didn't have my car with me, but I had my strong feeling that seemed to direct me exactly to my target.

I took five more steps and then several sounds hit my ears. It was the dull sound of something falling to the ground, followed by the harrowing sound of a piece of cloth being tore to pieces, the vicious thoughts of two scoundrels, a muffled cry for help intertwined with a moan of pain and my teeth clenching together as my feet injured the ground the moment I set off.

The danger I'd been waiting for was just around the corner, beaming radiantly at me. I flashed my most terrifying smile and growled so loud that the forest floor quivered in fear and anticipation. A beast was in motion.


	20. The truth beneath the rose

**Chapter 20: The truth beneath the rose**

Love and agony are two feelings tied together once your heart and soul drift from you to live inside your significant other. You love that person with your whole heart, but when you're separated from her the unbearable form of pain squashing you, it's sheer agony. It's like you're empty, hollow of any emotion without your other half. The best of you becomes your love and when your love is threatened by something as inconsequential as low-life creatures your mind cannot comprehend or allow their existence. Something inside your head clicks together and the decision is made. They have to be annihilated.

For a human, a powerful love is his utter source of relief and content. When that paradise is put at risk the worst of one's behavior is imminently going to burst out. The need to protect your love is like the need to breathe in and out. As for me, the need to protect my Bella was indescribable and beyond anything and anyone. She was the most important thing in my universe. Life shouldn't have to exist without her.

"Hi," I heard a voice purring.

In that split second, my mind got bombarded by awful memories, memories I'd worked so hard to erase. Once upon a time, a vampire named Edward Anthony Masen Cullen lived to kill and feed upon his preys. He hunted filths that should have never existed and finished jobs that God seemed to forget about. He killed them without blinking. That was the beginning of the monster I'd become. When I met Bella I thought something had changed inside me. For the best. But how wrong was I. Nothing had changed. Not for the best at least. The monster had only been hibernating and once awaken it was unstoppable. Thirsty, hungry, maddeningly craving blood and death.

That voice was like a rhythm for danger, for villainy. That kind of voice had penetrated my ears for decades and apparently it still didn't want to avoid me. Now, however, everything was different. That voice that had threatened women all over the world was not threatening any woman anymore. It was threatening my Bella. My all. I forced myself to run faster, but the mutt went on.

"What would a beautiful defenseless girl do outside at this hour, I wonder?"

"Why would a beautiful defenseless girl stroll around in the darkness, I think it's the correct question, my friend?" I gasped when I realized he was not alone. There were two.

"See, you are whether very unfortunate or very lucky to stumble upon us. I know I feel lucky that I've stumbled upon you. You are like no other, my sweet."

"And she is so unripe."

"Tell me something honestly. Are you a virgin?"

"She's a virgin. Fresh meat."

"Oh, let's end this game."

By that point I'd lost all ability of distinguish who was saying what. My mind could only focus on one thing. _Kill…_The alley I was storming on was leading me to what I knew would terrify me. I was pacing at my own speed and still it felt like I was covering an endless street. It didn't help that I had ceased to breathe the moment I heard Bella moan in pain. My ears were buzzing with my anxiety and Carlisle's words. Alice had known that this would happen and she still hadn't told me anything. I snarled irritated at her, but the sound froze on my lips.

"_Search deep inside your soul before you do any rash things…"_

"_I've seen what would probably happen, but I've also seen what would happen if I told you what I've seen… it would be worse for everyone. Especially for Bella."_

Their words were like ancient echoes of a time I was a man and my mind could rationally think. At this point I was a monster, a terrible fiend that could not think. It could only watch in agony and frenzy.

"He–"a sweet sound cracked through the horror of the night. Her voice was carrying an infinite amount of fear. It outraged me. Like I needed any more reasons. I wanted to whisper reassuringly in her ear, but what she heard next was certainly not my voice.

"Do you like this, beautiful?"

I could see them now. And I could also see their end. I knew how I wanted to kill them. Agonizingly slow and overwhelmingly painful. I wanted them to live to see themselves dying. I wanted them to crawl desperately into the darkness of death. Knowing that I was close enough to prevent any harm that they could inflict upon my beloved I stopped and approached them leisurely. Like a predator.

I let out a diabolical roar that shook the ground beneath my feet. Animals and birds surrounding the area run away, anticipating the danger. The stupid filths, though, turned around to greet me. I was so close now that I could note every twist of my beloved's features. She was in pain. She was worried. And the fault was mine. I should have never lost her from my eyes.

Her eyes popped wide open and met mine in an instant. She was breathing fear. Those rogues were still keeping their hands on her. Hadn't they understood yet what was waiting for them? How bestially they were going to die? I curled my lip up and fumed with anger as Carlisle's words rang in my head again.

"…_before you do any rash things…"_

How I hated to disappoint him. But he had to understand that I had to kill them. I needed to. And then…then I saw Bella's expression, her pleading eyes, I heard her heart, beating forcefully like scared drums. I knew what those loving eyes were trying to send me. Faculty of reasoning. A crumb of thought flashed in my mind and though every instinct guided me to the opposite, I knew it would be wrong to kill them.

Bella jerked frenziedly in their arms, unsuccessfully trying to escape them. The way they shut her in and clutched her arms clouded my mind once more. A red mist was blurring my senses. I inhaled for a brief moment the scent of their blood. It tasted as mucky as the owners. As she gave a last struggle for freedom I snarled loudly, angrily, lethally.

"Step away from her," I ordered like I was the devil himself.

They froze, obviously being scared. They had understood at last the big mistake they had done, but their hands remained glued to my Bella. I was fuming with anger pacing slowly toward them. Pinning them with my eyes. Though I was mainly focusing on the mutts I could perfectly watch my Bella to. And she was scared. She was on the point of crying. How I hated that I had to kill them in front of her, to rip them apart. I clenched my jaw struggling to keep my mind on the target. If my eyes lingered on her face much more I would never be able to finish what I had to. She was such a diversion.

"My friend, you seem to be very unsatisfied," the taller one chuckled in spite of his fear. A hiss was forming in my chest and traveling fast toward escape.

"We can share," the other spoke as he moved his hands off of my Bella. The mutt had probably realized what I would do to him or his self-preservation instinct told him that.

"_What on earth makes him look so dangerous? So bad we couldn't rape her,"_ the first thought. My eyes slowly, ever so slowly, wandered to his face.

That was it. My face contorted in the very features of craziness and any rational thought I had ever had disappeared from my system. They were going to be exterminated. Now. I dashed to them not caring in the slightest to protect my secret. What was the point if they were going to die, anyway? With one arm I secured Bella safely to my chest and with the other I hurled them ten feet away from her. I made sure she was steady on her feet before I reluctantly removed my arm from her waist and strode unhurriedly toward them. It was almost hurting me to move so slowly, but I had a plan and every intention to stick to it. I wanted them to suffer.

They had landed with a shattering noise and the smell of blood penetrated the air as they gasped for air. In that small second it had taken them to throng down to the ground several sounds of broken bones swirled past my ears. The beginning was promising. I couldn't wait for the end, though. When it seemed it had passed forever I reached the body of the taller guy, the one I thought was in charge of the maneuver, the one I wanted to slash in tiny pieces until the pain would drive him crazy.

I knelt beside him as slowly as I'd walked and watched him hatefully first. His face was screwed up due to the pain he felt, but it was not enough. It was far from being enough. His eyes cracked open and fear was soaked in them, all traces of arrogance gone. His thoughts were incoherent, barely focusing on the pain and the need to escape from me. However, there was no hope. That much he could comprehend.

Although I was so deeply drowned in my own need of killing them I was the entire time aware of Bella's presence behind me. How could I be otherwise? I could sense the fright pouring out of her and I knew I didn't have a lot of time to kill them. She was surely going to faint and I had to catch her from falling. I just had to feel her in my arms. Just a half thought of her, had the power of distracting me. If I allowed myself to listen to her, to listen to the hummingbird sound inside her chest or to imagine her sweet fragrance floating over my skin I would be lost and those scoundrels saved. I shook my head unnoticeably for a human, but the nagging sensation in the back of my mind that I had to concentrate on Bella and snatch her away, sparing the lives of those dogs, became more and more pronounced.

They didn't deserve to live. They only deserved to suffer. Rage took over me with such force that it shook my whole frame. My hand stretched out automatically and grabbed the filth by his shoulders. Roughly. I sank my fingers in his fragile skin and relished every second of his torment. He was squirming powerlessly under my grip, but I had immobilized him with a single hand. The pain coursing through his veins was completely weakening him and bit by bit I was taking him over the edge. I was leading him to the insanity he had been so close of leading me to.

In the corner of my eye I noted the other toiling to rise himself to his feet. I chuckled darkly. He had his right foot utterly broken. Even if I didn't kill him he would never support his weight on that foot again. I didn't pay any more attention to him. Watching someone die was often more painful than actually dying of your own. Thinking of that I felt almost sorry for not killing the other first. That would have driven the rapist-leader mad. But no. I was too outraged, too keen on killing him to delay the moment.

I moved forward so his eyes could clearly see my demonic face and in that instant Bella let out a moan of fear. Either I was really crazy or really accustomed to her being, but I could swear I'd felt her hot breath caressing the back of my neck. It took all I had not to turn to her. And still I should have. I knew I should have. I could nearly hear her inner voice calling out to me.

"I'm the one who doesn't share scoundrel," I spat indignantly. "You've made an unspeakable mistake by touching her." His eyes flickered with fear, but again…it was not enough.

I scraped my fingers up to his throat and dug ruthlessly all the way in. He bawled and squalled, his voice echoing all around me. It sickened me to the core the pleasure I felt as I watched him clinging to a feeble thread of life. He was slowly passing away. As time eddied on the desire of killing them didn't cease, but consciousness crept in. Bella…Carlisle…Esme…Alice…my family. What was I doing? Certainly something very bad and certainly something that I couldn't stop anymore. Not now when I was so far gone.

My other hand clenched around his collar while I bared my teeth and rose to my feet glancing at the other mutt. He was next. My fury was to be unleashed on him in mere seconds. I dragged his body tantalizingly slow, making sure that he was bumping into every rock along the way, then stopped to take in the terror of the other. He had too much life pulsing through him. He didn't deserve it. I knelt once more and grabbed them both forcefully by their throats, then I let my hands work on their own. I watched them in their dying eyes and felt the blood warm my fingers as they plunged inside their gullets. They choked with blood and wriggled beneath my hold, letting infernal sounds slicing the silence. Screaming was only going to make it worse for them. For me it was pleasing.

_But for Bella?_

I winced. This was definitely not the time to think about how badly I had terrified her. Most certainly I would never be able to mend this, maybe she would always be afraid of me after this. But how was I supposed to stop when the sleeping monster had been awaken and was so incensed that he could barely breathe. Not that I needed it. Fortunately. Knowing that I had no other option than finish what I had started I let myself drown in the sensation of killing them. It was as disgusting as it was pleasant.

Sooner than later their hearts grew weak and tired and their bodies turned into limp carcasses. Just a little squeeze and they would have been dead. I would have done it if it hadn't been for that irksome feeling that was inexplicably holding me back from completing my task. I clenched my teeth, irritated at my hesitation and crouched forward to smile at them with the sweetness of death. The air smelled like incense and wax, like death and hell. This was the end. I knew it. I felt it. I flashed my teeth at them like an animal as the forest quivered with their shrieks. I was ready to destroy them and at the same time I wasn't at all.

"Edward, stop. I'm begging you, stop."

One second my eyes were sickened by the view of two criminals and the other they were drowned in Bella's very own pieces of chocolate. As her voice filled my universe, my head had snapped to her instantaneously. Something seemed to click together. Reality maybe? I was still confused and still poisoned to kill, but now it didn't matter that much. However, I didn't understand why she had stopped me. They'd wanted to harm her. I needed to…

"_Search deep inside your soul…"_

"_I'm begging you…"_

Their voices were spinning in my head, clouding the uncontrollable desire to kill. I felt close to relief. My brows knit together in utter bewilderment. What was I doing? What had Bella seen me doing? I shuddered, inspecting Bella from her first thread of hair to the shoes she was wearing. She was afraid and she was trembling. If possible, that hurt me more than the time I had been away from her, then the times I had put her in danger. That hurt like nothing else. In that second I knew that I would be able to do anything as long as she wanted me, as long as she didn't fear me. When this was going to change, my heart would smash in pieces. My eyes grew wide with my own terror as the reality of what I had done, of what I had been so close of bringing to an end consolidated in my brain.

"Please," she pleaded, trembling harder and not taking notice of my retreating hands, of my apologetic eyes. I gasped in pain at the ache I saw on her face and didn't dare to make a single move. A tear warmed her cheek, wandering down to her neck while her body quivered once more than melted toward the wet ground. I was by her side in less than a second, struggling with my emotions.

The monster that had been so vivid inside me hadn't fallen back to sleep yet, but my love for Bella overwhelmed everything else that I might have felt. My numb heart sobbed in its silent cage and my chest rose and fell nervously. Was she ever going to forgive me for putting her through this?

I held her tightly to my chest, lifting her off the ground, afraid of speaking. I wasn't ready to speak yet. I wasn't ready to hear her answer, her rejection. I wanted to hold her a minute more. She sighed to my increasing confusion. To some extent I had imagined she would throw punches at me to let go of her. But she was weak, really tired and only human. I must not fool myself. She was surely clinging to me for support not because she really wanted to. As she shook into a near swoon I tightened my grip on her and froze with anger. Anger at me. Anger at the world. Anger at the idea of losing her.

"Stay with me," I forced out through gritted teeth. If I had been able to cry I would have surely done it by now. I was suddenly afraid that if she fainted I would lose her. Forever. Though I was trying to push that thought out of my mind it was screaming at me, attacking my sanity. I could not…would not let her go away from me. Not like that. I breathed heavily and gently shook her in my arms.

"Bella don't dare to give up on me. Stay…" I pleaded, fisting my hands in her jacket.

Her eyelids vibrated with fatigue and didn't open. She appeared so worn out. My mind quickly formed its plan. I had to put her in bed as soon as possible. The first image that crossed my thoughts was – as I should have expected – her room. Charlie's house. I knew before the idea veiled itself somewhere between my overwhelming concern and my throbbing love that I didn't want to take her there. As another idea outlined its shape more prominently in my head I realized how selfish and profiteering I was. And still…

"I need you," her voice broke through the haziness of my musings. Something squeezed my heart painfully. Was I so delusional that I was imagining those words? Or had she really uttered them? Emotions I had not long ago believed that would never fill my chest again hit with full force. It almost knocked me to my knees. My weak control was slowly disappearing and now I didn't want to hurt anybody. I just wanted to kiss her. Fiercely. But she was slipping away from me. With each breath we took she was diving toward nothingness. I moved one hand desperately to her cheek to cup it, afraid all the time that I was not as gentle as she needed me to be. The rage of losing her all over again, each time feeling more powerless than the last, made the words that jolted from my mouth to sound rough, to the point of violence.

"Bella, stay…Don't. Leave. Me," I commanded each word distinct. It had sounded even to my ears more or less ramblingly.

"You're angry at me," she murmured softly. Her voice was as sweet as honey and as tormenting as a smoldering fire. My muscles tightened, unable to keep a loose hold on her.

"Just stay here…with me," was all I managed to say. "Please, Bella, I'm begging you." This at least was true. She didn't continue speaking and I didn't dare to say anything else. Inside me, acute fire was boiling.

"Bella, please," my mouth spoke of its own accord. She was slowly, but surely spinning toward nothingness. I couldn't allow that. I couldn't handle it. Though in my deepest thoughts I had the knowledge that she would wake up from her swoon after some minutes or if any complication would happen Carlisle was only minutes away, I couldn't get rid of the feeling that I might lose her forever.

I had nearly given up on my chances of keeping her awake when I felt her head leaving my shoulder and her hands traveling up my arms to my cheeks. It felt like blazing flames. I breathed with the most exquisite of relieves and shifted so I could see her eyes, but she was firmly avoiding mine. I frowned confused and hurt. Was she avoiding my eyes scared that she would see the monster I'd always told her I was?

She distracted me from my guilt-loaded thoughts caressing my forearms on her way up and stopping for the tiniest moment on my neck. I ceased to breathe and remained as motionless as a stone. In a flash second I thought about how I should be overwhelmed by the proximity and the sweet fragrance of her blood, how I should crumple to my knees begging forgiveness and how my body should collapse with all the love that I was afraid it would never be shared again.

I was set on going on with my self punishment, but absolutely everything disappeared from my mind. I couldn't sense anything beside those two soft lips pulsing love on my lips. The moment her mouth brushed against mine I gasped loudly and her hands tangled in my hair. She was kissing me after all I had done. I let myself be free and for once I didn't care what would happen if I drowned in the sensation. I responded to her kiss as fiercely as I had previously wished I could. I kissed her for all the days I'd been gone and embraced her with all the power of my love. In that blessed moment I dared to say that she loved me still.

"Bella," I whispered after a long, long time. She didn't answer, but snuggled deeper into me and closed her eyes, propping her head on my shoulder. This time I didn't feel desperate. She hadn't fainted. She had just fallen asleep. And that helped me breathe normally again. I wasn't feeling like I'd lost her. She was in my arms…just the way things were meant to be.

I pulled her safer in my arms and took off smoothly under the cover of the dark forest. Although Charlie must have surely been worried and I should have headed to his house, I decided to be selfish until the end. I pressed a kiss on her forehead and run with a light heart toward my house. We had to talk and we had to do it the moment she woke up. Besides that, I needed to have her close without being forced to leave her side if her father fancied checking on her.

_It hadn't passed more than two hours after we arrived when Alice paced inside my room with her hands linked behind her back, eying me playfully. I read in her mind before she said it out loud that she wanted me to leave, to let Bella alone. I didn't understand why she bothered to verbalize her thoughts. She must have seen my negative response._

_"You should leave now," she said matter-of-factly. "That rose is waiting."_

_"Beg your pardon?" I asked confused. Was she in her right mind? Having a husband who altered your feelings whenever he felt like it or you asked him was definitely a comfort, not really for her as it was for the others around her, but going from limitlessly angry to truthfully cheery was strange even for Alice. Jasper chuckled downstairs, feeling us and thinking about the same rose._

_"I have already seen you giving her that rose so don't bother to argue with me that you won't leave her side because you will. I'll stay here even if it's useless. Now get your pretty butt outside and run quickly with your sprightly little legs north. She'll wake up in two hours."_

_After that, she kicked me out the window and knowing it was pointless to be against her wishes when she was so sure about something she had seen, I obeyed and headed north. In the beck of my neck I could feel her eyes supervising my route._

_"I know where north is, Alice," I whispered. She heard me and started laughing, then sat on the couch, breathing silently._

_I had been running for half an hour when I stumbled upon a strange bush of roses. It was strange not because it looked different from other roses, but because it was the only one in the middle of a forest full of old trees and a sea of ferns. I walked deliberately toward the spot, knowing what I would find. In my hand I was playing Alice's vision while I was also living it in the present. As she had foreseen I picked out a mesmerizing rose. In all my years of existence, or non-existence to be more accurate, I had never seen such a curiously beautiful rose. The outer petals were purely white and the more it approached the core the more it blended with a deep crimson. Those white petals that were protecting the rose's pink and red middle, its passion and suffering, looked like wings of innocence. That simple rose was so like Bella. I ripped it from the bush and made sure I removed all the thorns then headed back home._

Now the rose was resting on the nightstand waiting for Bella to wake up and underneath it the note I had left her. In those words I'd scribbled, I had poured my soul.

_"See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."_

It was well past midnight when I sensed her waking up. She mumbled my name softly, sending jolts of delight through my chest, then rolled on her back, throwing one hand over her head and finally flickered her eyes open. Through the heavy darkness she surely couldn't see anything. I was leaning against the big glass wall in front of the bed staring at her transfixed. As long as she had been asleep I chose to keep my distance. She needed to rest and my control was wearing thin with every second. If I had been even closer to her than I already was I wouldn't have been able to retrain myself from touching her, from feeling her warmth and beauty. And now that she was awake I couldn't make myself move from that spot.

She took in a shaky breath as a frown creased slightly her brows. She must have been remembering what had happened earlier. She slashed the darkness with her sparkling worried eyes, but they were too weak to allow her to see what she wanted. For a moment I deliberated whether or not I should switch on the lights. Her heart was pounding faster and faster with each second she couldn't distinguish her surroundings and her anxiety was soaking the air. If I stayed much longer glued to that wall I would force her into having a panic attack. Downstairs Alice confirmed my thoughts.

_"You'd better tell her she's safe unless you want her running around screaming like she's raped." _Her poor choice of words pushed me over the edge. A low menacing hiss escaped my lips and she rapidly took back her words. _"Sorry, I mean you should tell her she's with you. That will calm her down."_

Her certainty succeeded in relaxing me a little bit, but when I saw Bella staring exactly at me, breathing heavier than before, all attempts at relaxations died down. My little hiss had given me away. I took a step forward, careful not to scare her with a rash movement. The silence was spread perfectly smooth around us as I came closer to the bed.

However, she sighed like she wanted to shove aside her fears and turned her head to the side and looked for the button to turn on the light. Was it possible she hadn't noticed me yet? The lamp on my nightstand illuminated dimly the room, outlining the existence of a rose and a piece of paper. She reached out and touched lightly the two objects. My body tensed instinctively when she picked up the note, then the rose. I waited for her reaction while she wordlessly read my words. She didn't make any move or let out any sound. If it hadn't been for the pounding in her chest that was growing faster and faster and more uneven I would have thought my words hadn't affected her at all.

"Bella," I barely whispered, unable to be quite anymore.

She jumped, dropping the note and the rose and fisting her hands in the sheets, gradually lifting her eyes to meet mine. When our eyes locked for some strange reason I smiled brightly at her. It was like all of a sudden my body warmed up, like my heart started beating, like I was whole again. She looked at me wearing a veil of confusion on her face, but the corners of her lips twitched into a small smile. I moved to her side and sat down beside her, still cautious not to do anything that could bother her. She didn't cringe away or made any gesture of discomfort. She even leaned closer to me. I tensed to the point of explosion to keep from taking her in my arms and suffocate her with my love.

"You are safe now," I told her looking deep into her brown eyes. She nodded, not taking her eyes from my face. Her features were melted with different emotions. Some were mirroring mine and some were foreign to me. I swallowed the lump that had abruptly formed in my throat and looked away from her. I had showed her the worst part of me. I'd let the monster loose and she'd watched it in action. I shuddered at the memory. I knew she was too pure to have a grudge against those filths. By now it was possible she had already forgiven them. But I hadn't. I've just given her another thing that she couldn't forgive me for. As far as she knew I had nearly killed two people. I knew better, though. The instant I stepped inside the house Alice spilled everything out.

_"Why haven't you answered my calls, Edward? What were you thinking you were doing?" she hissed not even looking at Bella who was sleeping in my arms. _

_Carlisle and Esme looked at me understandingly and those eyes made me comprehend how much I've done wrong. Emmett rolled his eyes at Alice's hysteric tone and Jasper tried to alter her anger into a normal mood. Perhaps they understood me and Alice did too, but that didn't take away the fact that I'd been wrong. I could still see red in front of my eyes, but now, having Bella safely inside my house I could also see the damages I'd done. I hadn't only hurt human beings like I'd done in my first years of being a vampire, but I had also broken my own promise of never hurting Bella. I didn't even want to think about what could have happened if she'd gotten to close to me or if she hadn't had that immense power over me. Nonetheless, I had a lot to do to mend up this situation. I looked at my family ashamed, but not repented. If keeping Bella safe required killing them, I would do it all over again._

_"They were about to hurt her, Alice," I blurted out, suddenly focusing only on her. "They wanted to rape her," I spat between clenched teeth. The anger on her face softened into understanding, but her brows were still furrowed in disapproval. Explanations were needed, but now it was not the time, so I headed to the stairs, telling her what came first in my mind. "I haven't killed them anyway," I muttered, unable to conceal the regret._

_"Actually you have, son," Carlisle cut in. I turned so abruptly to them, that for the shortest moment I thought I had woken Bella up. She nuzzled my chest and continued sleeping._

_"They were alive," I explained perplexed. He nodded, wearing no expression._

_"They were and Alice gave an anonymous tip to the hospital, but for one of them it was too late when the ambulance arrived. He was dead. The other survived though, but he needs intensive care."_

_I exhaled nervously through my nose as I watched Alice's memory. The one that had died was the leader. Probably I was a worse monster than I thought. I knew him dead and I knew the other critically ill, but still I couldn't bring myself to feel sorry. Alice shook her head and looked outside through the wall of glass. In her mind I watched myself giving a response to Carlisle. Knowing that it would be too much for everyone to hear my contentment, I only whispered internally._

_"Good." Then I warily ascended the stairs._

_"I'll talk to you later," I said before I disappeared down the hall to my bedroom._

She cupped my cheek with her warm silky palm and caressed it with her thumb, startling me out of my reverie. How was it possible? Though I knew she should have been running terrified of me, I was grateful she kept her calm and stayed by my side. I locked my eyes on hers once more, feeling that unbearable need to take her in my arms and kiss her deeply...endlessly. I sighed instead, knowing that I had to explain myself to her first. To make clear why I had left, to apologize for everything I kept on putting her through. And finally, but most importantly to beg her forgiveness, and maybe, just maybe hope that she won't hate me so much as to not want to see me ever again. I nestled my face in her hand involuntarily, kissing it softly. She didn't recoil, but moved nearer.

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me." I whispered pitifully against her skin. She slightly curled her fingers around my face, then let her hand drop into my lap. I took her petite hand in mine and started drawing circles on her creamy skin as I struggled to find my words. She shook her head sadly, then surprised me as she always did.

"Why should I forgive you for?" she started in a low soothing voice, letting her eyes wander across my face. I was heating up under her scrutiny. "If it hadn't been for you I would have been dead by now. I should be thanking you for coming back in time to save me again. Probably Alice has seen what would happen and it is really remarkable that you found the time to check on me. But you shouldn't feel responsible for me. I will try to be more careful from now on so I won't be a bother an-"

"Bella stop," I moaned, incapable to listen to her cold words any longer. She thought she was bothering me. She thought I felt responsible for her. Suddenly the pain that had ceased to exist since I came back was now pulsing vividly through my chest. In a flashing movement I crossed the room, standing in front of the glass wall with my hands above my head, flat on the smooth surface. Bella was motionless on the bed, breathing carefully not to scare the stillness.

My mind processed her words on fast mode and still it didn't come up with any results. I needed her to clarify what she'd meant. Was the coldness in her voice due to the fact that she was still experiencing some sort of shock or because she didn't want me anymore? I pushed the last possibility away from my mind, remembering Jasper's words. She loved me still. I had to prove my love to her, not doubt hers. I returned all too soon beside her and she let out a small sight of relief.

"Bella," I repeated. "Is this really what you're thinking? That I feel responsible for you and that you are a bother to me?" She didn't answer, but looked completely confused at me. "You have no idea," I told her silently. I took her hand again in mine and lifted it to my chest to the spot my heart should have been beating. "You see, my heart hasn't been beating for so long that I can't remember how it feels, but for you it would beat again. If it were possible you would bring me back to life. You've already done it. Can't you see, Bella? Can't you see that without you I'm nothing?"

She stared at me without seeing. That much I could read on her face. Her eyes welled up with fresh tears, making me realize that my confession had begun too brusquely for her. I hadn't thought she would need an introduction and I was too eager to let her know the truth. As the tears poured down her cheeks I couldn't help myself. I pulled her in my arms and whispered her name all over again, pressing now and then cold kisses on her hair. She freed herself from my embrace minutes later and I gave her reluctantly her space.

"But you left," she murmured baffled, gazing into my eyes.

"I did," I agreed in a dead voice. "But I lied to you Bella. I lied to you so badly that I don't know if I'll ever gain your trust again." She opened her mouth to speak, but before she said another word I needed her to know everything.

"Listen to me," I begged. "I lied when I told you that I want to move on. That I don't want you anymore. I wanted you too bad Bella to accept that my simple presence represented a danger for you. Pushing my selfishness to the side I realized there were more powerful things out there than I was and my staying with you was not an option anymore, though it killed me to admit it. I was tempting hell as long as I was by your side and so I decided to go away. To give you a chance at a human life like you deserved. I thought I could make it. That I could stay away from you. It was never in my plan to look for distractions. All I could think of was you. I knew that my decision wasn't difficult only for the two of us, but for my entire family. Somewhere in my heart I knew how utterly wrong it was to leave, but I had to try. When I left you there in the woods, Bella, I left my soul behind, right in your hands. You can say I've never been gone since I couldn't be whole without you."

"At first I tried to stay with my family in Alaska, but inflicting pain on them brought even more to me. I needed an escape and I needed to be alone. I crawled from one place to the other. God knows where I've been. The only thing I managed to do while I've been away was to track Victoria down. I thought she was planning something concerning you, but resulted I was wrong so I had no reasons to lurk around my family. Alice, however, didn't comply with my wish of being alone and in one way or another she dragged me out of my cave. She brought me back to you." Though I had much more to say I took a pause allowing her to sort out my story.

"You're telling me," she sighed after a tormenting break, "that you left for me? That you still wanted me, but you left?"

"Yes," I nodded guiltily.

"And didn't you think I should have a say in your decision? Didn't you think I deserved to know these before you left?"

"You would have convinced me to stay. You would have fed my desires and selfishness and made me stay," I breathed, searching for her hand. She let me take it and dropped her gaze to our intertwined fingers.

"Of course I would have stopped you. You thought you'd give me the chance at a normal happy life, but you've never considered the hell you dawned on me. On both of us," she sobbed, shaking my chest into pieces.

"Bella, love, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had to do this to convince myself that I would never be able to stay away from you. I'm sorry I've hurt you so bad."

"Me too," she murmured. "I'm sorry you've hurt yourself. I'm sorry you didn't come back when you felt like you couldn't resist anymore." I took in a deep breath astonished by the ease she was reading me with. Then, I remembered. She had felt exactly the same.

"Will you forgive me?" I asked her hopelessly, almost trembling in wait of her response.

"There's nothing to forgive, Edward. I just want you to promise me something," she pleaded.

"Anything," I granted sinking into her eyes.

"Promise me you'll never leave me again. Never, Edward, no matter what." I realized instantaneously what that implied, what she meant by never leaving her, but I didn't hesitate a second in promising her what she wanted.

"I promise," I told her from the bottom of my heart. Her body quivered, begging for my embrace and I tugged her to my chest, brushing my lips against the soft skin of her face. Though I was aching to touch her lips, I restrained myself. "Bella," I whispered after a while, being sure that she hadn't fallen asleep. "Remember you've promised me something too," I asked, struggling to keep the anger out of my voice. I had her safe in my arms, but I was still furious at her that she had put herself in harm's way on her own accord.

"Yes," she replied sheepishly.

"And you've broken that promise," I stated.

"Yes," she agreed with a voice like she was waiting for punishment. Being mad at her had never worked. Now it wasn't any different.

"Why, Bella? Why have you endangered yourself?" I asked tortured. She shifted in my arms so her head was up to me. She tensed, clenching her teeth and clutching my arms, then frowned deeply, looking away.

"Because I could hear you," she mumbled honestly. In that instant Alice's discovery didn't seem so glorious. It was true I had been able to stop my angel from doing horrendous stupidities, but in the same time my voice pushed her farther to her destruction.

"You've put yourself in danger because you could hear me?" I tried to understand. She nodded, still avoiding my eyes. I cupped her chin and turned her head to me. She didn't oppose. "You listened to me," I pointed out.

"For which I'm sorry now," she sighed, a smile playing at the corner of her lips. My brows furrowed in confusion, but she didn't hurry to enlighten me. "If I hadn't listened to you perhaps you would have come back sooner," she finally spoke. Grasping her point and knowing she was right I shook my head. Yes, I would have come back sooner, but to find what?

"Bella you should never put yourself in danger for me to come back. As Alice told you I've always been late in saving you and that's why I've used Sonya to send you the messages. That's why I've kept my distance for that long. Because I knew it hadn't come the time to save you in person. You've made it easier by listening to me." At one point Bella stiffened against my chest, but I stupidly missed it. I ran my hands up and down her arms in an attempt to discover that point without mentioning it, but she beat me to it.

"Sonya," she muttered. Then, everything was clear.

"Sonya," I repeated, failing to conceal the hint of satisfaction I felt at her jealousy. As soon as I saw her pained face, though, I felt guilty for even allowing such feeling as the one of satisfaction to bloom inside me when Bella was hurting. I erased all traces of it and pressed my lips to her temple. "She's just a friend," I whispered against her skin. She shivered and closed her eyes. She didn't believe me. Not yet. "Bella, look at me," I suddenly demanded, unable to deal with her not watching me. I could bet she could read the truth on my face if she paid just a little bit of attention. She opened her eyes slowly, like she was afraid to see me. I bent forward until mere inches were separating us. She breathed heavily, her eyes growing bigger and bigger. "You remember how unbelievably frustrating is for me to not hear what you're thinking? Please, tell me."

"Edward," she moaned, dropping her eyes down. I didn't want to force her. To a certain extent, I already knew what that beautiful head of hers was visualizing.

"Please," I tried again, bowing closer.

"I thought...maybe...you mentioned you needed distractions," she stuttered, still not looking at me.

"Which I've already told you was a lie." We both fell silent. I could feel how the stillness was driving her insane.

"You looked so comfortable by her side at the cafeteria. I couldn't think of anything else than..." she trailed away, not succeeding in stifling her sob.

"That we were together," I continued for her. She nodded in my chest. The pain that she was soaking into me was staggering with her force. "Sonya is an amazing person. She's what every man could dream of, but neither she nor I wanted more of our friendship. She helped me be _forever close_ to you, but she has never replaced you. I have never thought about her that way." I stared at her beauty for a moment, watching how the pain dissolved into understanding and slowly into relief. She knitted her brows together, trying to measure my truthfulness, then plainly let her eyes skim my face.

"_You're wounding my feelings,"_ Sonya thought from downstairs jokingly.

"Sorry, Sonya," I finally murmured, knowing she could hear me, and giggled softly. Bella's mouth fell open in surprise and she raised her free hand to cover it. I kept chortling as realization crept on her face.

"She's here?" Bella asked desperately. I chuckled at her nervousness and brushed a lock of hair out of her face.

"Love, everyone is here," I informed her. "Actually Emmett is buoyant about seeing you. I'm afraid he'll break the walls if you don't make an appearance downstairs soon enough." Like it was to be expected from downstairs boomed my brother's voice

"That's right Bells. Come here." We both laughed at his spooky voice. Gradually my Bella relaxed in my arms, breathing evenly and gaining control of her usual erratic heart.

"Should we," she started doubtfully, glancing to the door, but I cut her short.

"No," I muttered gently. "Not yet." Even if I got to hold her in my arms for all eternity I wouldn't feel like I had enough. Now, after such a long time, I found it impossible to let her go or share her with the world.

I let a peaceful silence glide over us. It washed my pain and her anguish into a tormenting past of great mistakes and aching abandons. I opened my eyes to the future and saw it without feeling selfish. I could never let Bella go. I could never give her up. I needed her with me. Forever. My mind raced to a shadowy past and back again to a brilliant present. Bella was in my arms and that was all that counted.

"Do you believe what I've told you?" I whispered, making her moan out of her cat nap.

"Do I have another choice?" she asked back, giggling softly.

"I guess not," I agreed, joining her in her sweet laughter.

"It's beautiful," she cooed all of a sudden, straightening herself and bringing the rose I'd given her to her nose. "And this too," she added fingering the note.

"It's the truth," I answered simply, hoping that she would understand how much I meant those words.

"Too bad the rose will wilt away," she murmured looking at the flower with adoring eyes and pressing a soft kiss on top of it. "It's exactly like you." Her words shocked me. I had thought the same about her. I chuckled lightly and she lifted her head to meet my eyes.

"It's curious," I said. "I thought it was exactly like you." She blushed and brought the rose to her nose again taking a generous whiff.

"It's like you because in spite of having fire in its core, it is pure in its essence. The red, the fire, the anger washes into purity, into love," she explained sweetly. If possible her words made my heart tighten with pain, but also with endless love for her.

"Bella, I'm not pure," I contradicted her grieved. "You know that."

"You are," she uttered firmly, ignoring my pessimism.

"I'm not," I spoke through gritted teeth. The sole idea of letting her know what I'd just done was terrifying and repulsive, but in the same time necessary. I didn't want to have her fooled. I wanted to give her the chance to know what kind of monster I was and then to make her own decision whether or not she still wanted me. "I've killed people, Bella." She responded to my death voice with a single acceptant nod.

"I know that," she breathed eventually. "I knew it before and I didn't care." It was so like her not to condemn me. To take me with all the monstrosities I'd done. This time, though, I wasn't speaking of a far-off past, but of a barely finished job.

"I've killed again," I clarified. She needed a moment to understand, then she nodded again.

"You were protecting me," she sighed like she wanted to convince herself.

"No," I immediately countered. "I wanted them to die. I'm not repentant because one of them died." She closed her eyes and let out a heavy breath through her mouth. Was rationality filling her senses? I waited frightened about what she would tell me.

"You've made mistakes," she started gravely. "That's a fact. But your soul is still pure. There's still love in you Edward." I shook my head at her quick indulgence, but I couldn't argue with that. There still was and all of it was for her.

"I love you," was all I could manage. She blinked at me expectantly and I bent down agonizingly slow, drinking in the light from her eyes, then pressed my lips against the soft texture of hers. Heaven was not beautiful enough. If paradise was in the sky I never wanted to get there. I wanted to live in my own paradise, the one Bella had created for me. I drowned into her and she poured herself into me, tangling her trembling hands into my hair, pushing me closer to her. I moaned against her lips and pulled her back into the pillows and devoured her warmth. I could have continued on kissing her all night and all day long if it hadn't been for her need of breathing. I removed my mouth from hers, allowing her to inhale fresh air and danced down her neck to her collarbone, pressing light kisses. It felt like it should never end.

"Oh for God's sake, give the girl a break," Emmett cried. If I had been the only one hearing him I would have probably let it pass, but Bella had clearly caught his words too. She blushed, sending heat into my skin and I hissed under my breath.

"Guess I have to stop now," I complained, making her smile sympathetically. That smile told me she didn't want me to stop either. "Or I could go and fling him outside the house and we could continue," I offered. She blushed deep crimson, running her hands nervously over her face.

"No. It's okay. I missed them too," she confessed. I smiled at her, a trace of the barely lost pain, ghosting on my face. I curled my arms around her body and lifted her up in my arms in a flash second. She gasped, startled, then rolled her eyes.

"Out of practice, love?" I asked teasingly.

"Certainly," she replied just as sarcastically as I knew she would. I led us to the door, but stopped in my tracks when she tensed her muscles and lifted up to press her lips on my ear.

"I love you too," she sighed, driving me insane with pleasure. I trapped her lips between mine in a dizzy second as I walked us down the hall to the stairs. To say that I felt so whole in such a short time perhaps was a mistake. But it was only the truth.

"And here comes the groom and her bride," Emmett voiced mockingly, as we came into view, wearing, though, a happy face at seeing Bella well and awake. I put Bella down and took her hand in mine, supporting much of her weight as we descended the stairs. The first face I caught a glimpse of was Sonya's.

She was sitting as far from the others as she could, struggling to conceal her emotions from her face. Hard as she was trying she couldn't hide them from me and especially not from Jasper. Walking slowly toward the center of the room I noticed that Jasper was keeping a safe distance between them. Poor man was probably swimming in guilt as did Sonya. This woman, though I didn't bear other feelings than strong gratitude and undeniable friendship for her, was triggering in me the need to comfort her each time I saw her so miserable. To some point, I could understand what she was passing through. Though I had Bella back in my arms I could remember how terribly painful it had been without her. I didn't even want to begin to imagine how it might be, knowing that your beloved wasn't on this earth anymore. I shuddered, hoping that Bella hadn't noted my little tremor, but she raised her head up to me watching me worriedly for an instant.

I couldn't hold her tight to me for much longer as Emmett dashed to clasp her in his strong arms. Watching Bella in Em's embrace it was like watching a bear hugging a doll. I started laughing softly, unable to believe when I saw Rose doing the same. She looked at Em with that immeasurable love we all had for our loved ones and actually sympathy for Bella. I wondered where it came from. I moved toward the end of the couch that was closer to Sonya's seat and waited for Bella to join me. Knowing her as I did, I imagined she would be uncomfortable sitting so close to an unknown person that seconds ago she thought was her replacement, but it was essential for her to believe what I had told her and for Sonya to understand once and for all that she was part of the family now. That she wasn't guilty for anything that happened to us.

"You, little human, did give us a scare," Emmett chided her lightly, twirling her around.

I kept my attention on Bella, but mostly on Jasper. His thoughts didn't betray anything that should worry me and I had true confidence in him, but my system was urging me to be wary of any threat to Bella's safety. The second when Jasper lounged at her to drink her dry of her blood was still pretty vivid in my mind. He looked at me from under a frown that wasn't addressed to me. It was addressed to him. He was blaming himself right that second and I wasn't helping him at all. I tried to control my emotions to let him comprehend that the past was the past and we had to move on now, that I didn't hold him responsible for anything, but trying did not really equal succeeding. I sighed under my breath and wished he could read minds instead of me. That way he would have known I wanted him to be there as much as I wanted anyone else.

_"I could leave,"_ he thought uncertainly. _"And come back later when you'll bring her back to her house?"_ It wasn't a statement. It was more of a question.

I shook my head in place of responding verbally, but my gesture didn't remain unseen. Alice looked at me, then at Jasper and shook her head too. She dwelled for a second whether or not she should take Jasper by the hand and lead him to Bella like you would with a child, but she dropped it instantaneously. Her vision frightened even me. Though I knew I was capable of it, I couldn't recognize how possessive I looked in her premonition. The way she saw me thundering to Jasper to step back convinced her that it wasn't a good idea and decided to greet Bella by herself.

She danced toward Emmett and Bella and freed my angel from my brother's animalistic hug, only to wrap her into a demented grasp that knocked the breath out of Bella. She started hopping around, forgetting that she should allow Bella to breathe. Esme and Carlisle chuckled at her enthusiasm, but she was acting only childish to me. However, I had to admit that I loved she was back to her usual cheery self.

"Alice," I mumbled tiredly.

"Okay, okay," she breathed, not setting Bella free. "I'm so happy we're back Bella. We have so much to tell you." Bella smiled timidly, glowing with happiness. At some point Bella looked over Alice's shoulder to find Jasper clenching his jaw and nodding faintly to her. She returned his nod, her features blended in remembrance.

"I'm happy you're back too," Bella asserted. If it had been possible I swear Alice would have cried and perhaps Esme too. She tugged Carlisle to where Alice was torturing Bella with kisses and gave her a motherly embrace, welcoming her warmly in the core of our family once more.

"I'm glad you're safe Bella," Carlisle voiced after he released her from Alice's claws and his own squeeze. "I promise you'll never be forced to experience such a terrifying moment. I'm sorry."

"No. It's my fault. I shouldn't have been there," she grimaced at the memory. I took in a deep breath and spoke as temperately as I was able to.

"Laurent would have found you even if you had stayed safely inside your bedroom, Bella." I pursed my lips, imagining without my accord that monster inside her house, crawling his way up to her bedroom, playing with her as he delivered death upon a divinely innocent creature. I wanted to build him up to life to kill him again. I motioned Bella to come and sit by my side, but she hesitated for a slight second. There was no need to be inside her mind to know that the reason of her hesitation bore the name of Sonya. I reached my hand out to her, convincing her to take those few steps that were separating her from me. She sat beside me, without glancing at anyone else, but me.

"Bella," Rose's voice interrupted the small silence that had fallen over us, making Bella tense. She loosened her posture when she noted Rose's still smiling face. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," Bella answered immediately. Apparently, her habit of promising without thinking twice hadn't gone away.

"Can you please play some box with this thing's head," she purred sugary pointing toward me. "Or chain him to you? He's been pissing me off for more than I can take." Bella laughed leaning into me and I hissed playfully at my sister.

"I would chain myself willingly to her," I muttered, watching my Bella's face smoldering with emotions. "But I'm not sure yet if she'll take me back."

"Oh, you have to," Rose cried amused. "I don't think I'll be able to stand him a day more sulking around."

"I thought I made that clear by know," Bella whispered watching only me. She blushed as soon as she remembered, we were not alone. In that moment, I remembered something too. Everyone had greeted her beside Sonya. I sat up, startling her before she realized I wasn't planning on letting go of her hand, then turned to Sonya.

"Love," I told Bella, dragging her up to me, pulling her in front of my chest. "This is our new sister. This is Sonya."

They both looked at each other for a moment before Bella reached out her hand and shook Sonya's. Sonya was still overwhelmed by my calling her our new sister to react in any way. She felt happier than she felt in many years. She thanked me for that internally and I smiled in response to her, encouraging her to be part of our family.

"I'm glad to meet you Bella," Sonya chipped, relaxing bit by bit. "Edward has told me lots about you." Bella grinned at her wholeheartedly, then stared up at me. It would have been a moving moment if it hadn't been for a certain abnormal person.

"This is weird," Emmett boomed in laughter.

"What's not weird to you?" I demanded scowling slightly at him, then rolling my eyes.

"Do you honestly want me to answer you?" he smirked to Bella's surprise.

"No," both Alice and I yelled at him. As Alice made a disgusted face and I rolled my eyes again at him, realization dawned on Bella and the others. What could possibly be normal for Emmett? The more than graphic images in his mind made my stomach turn in disgust and my lust reached unexpected dimensions. I tried to swallow it, but it captured me, unwilling to leave too soon.

By the time Alice jumped like a lunatic from Jasper's lap, Bella was relishing into comfortable conversation with Esme and Carlisle. The responsible doctor my father was, advised her to eat properly and promised to give her some medicaments for appetite when she mentioned she had been having trouble eating lately. That concerned me a little. Well, a little more I had to admit.

"Edward," Alice shouted like I was on the other side of the continent. "You forgot to tell her something." With her hands on her hips, her foot tapping impatiently the ground and her petite figure, Alice was looking without a doubt like a girl freshly escaped from a mental institution. She fumed when she saw me telling her that and I only laughed, knowing there was no need to tell her verbally. My laughter, however, died down, when I read her thoughts. She wanted to tell Bella about my inexplicable trances, about how I felt she was in danger, about things that I wasn't prepared to share with Bella yet. Strangely I felt like it was better for her if she didn't know. She must have seen my reaction, though she hid it from me, because she changed her train of thoughts immediately.

"Seriously," I demanded, attempting to appear nonchalant. "Like what?"

"Like we're going on a cruise," she exploded, making Emmett roll with laughter. Quickly Jasper joined them too and I relaxed gradually under Bella's warmth. I chortled, stroking Bella's arm, who had turned to me bewildered.

"Yeah, love. We're going to Crazyland," I explained to her, mocking Alice. She stuck her tongue out at me, but I just smirked at her.

Bella giggled at our not so subtle exchange. I felt so happy to feel her happy. It wasn't a forced feeling. It was normal. It was pure. And it was for forever. I enfolded her with my cold arms, closer to my chest and she moaned against me. She was perfect and she was mine. In that night I didn't want to worry about Victoria, about the dangers that were lurking outside. I only wanted to savor Bella's presence.

"Since we've just left Sulkyland, probably we're going over there," Alice retorted a little annoyed, then her mind raced faster than a Porsche, in search of the perfect exotic spot. "We can go to," she finally decided, but she didn't finish her sentence. Her eyes clouded with a dark thick haze of madness and fright as she clutched Jasper's arm painfully tight. She snapped out of her trance much too late, to my infinite torment and instead of enlightening us about what had happened she chose to ignore all of us. Unlike my family, I should have known what had happened, but as shadowy dread hung over her once sparkling eyes, she successfully kept me out of her mind. I groaned, suddenly hit by an aching blow into my chest. This was my warning. This was my turn of being overwhelmed by darkness.

"We have to go," Alice chocked, tugging at Jasper's arm insanely. He felt her. He didn't oppose to her wish. My family was too stunned to react. I was too blind to come to understand why the earth was falling apart underneath me.

"Alice," I screamed as the screen of darkness was removed from my mind and they headed to the door, squeezing Bella painfully tight to my chest and raising us up. It was too late. They were gone. And everything was over.


End file.
